43. Opal
FORTY-THREE
Opal
I t takes a while to find a parking spot at Target, finally I spot one in the middle of the lot. Pregnancy has definitely made me lazier, the short walk to the store’s entrance is practically exhausting, that fact is made visible by the way I’m huffing and puffing by the time I walk inside. I’m thankful for the rush of cool air that hits my face.
Alex tried to get me to ride with him, but I refused. An hour alone in the car with him would be torture. I’d have to deal with all of my conflicting emotions, and that’s hard enough to do when we’re not alone together.
I spot Alex in the dollar section in the front of the store, along with a tall brunette giggling and standing dangerously close to him. My gaze slides down her slim body, and a familiar sick feeling settles in my gut.
People talk about how bad it hurts to be cheated on, but nothing can quite prepare you for the trauma that particular type of betrayal wracks on your mind. I don’t know if there will ever come a day where I don’t compare myself to her . Even if he claims he didn’t cheat on me, I’ll always consider it a betrayal nonetheless.
I was fully convinced that Alex only had eyes for me, and in a matter of seconds, all of the trust that took years for him to build up came crumbling down. Since then, I’ve had to pick up the pieces on my own and build my self-esteem back to where it is now.
Now, I know my worth, and I’ll never let him or anyone else make me doubt it again. But just seeing him laugh flirtatiously with some other woman is enough to pick at the wound.
It’s stupid, he isn’t mine anyway, and I’m the one that chose not to be with him. But my pregnant brain seems to be even less logical than my regular brain.
I turn on my heel, walking back through the automatic door that I just came in, leaving the crisp A/C as I swiftly march through the parking lot toward my car.
“Opal!” The sound of his voice instantaneously speeds up my pulse, but I keep walking, my head facing forward. “Wait,” he places his hand on my shoulder. “Where are you going?”
I twist my head slightly to look at him, but yank my shoulder out of his grasp. “Home.”
His brows twist in confusion. “You just got here. What do you mean?”
“Go shopping with your friend instead.” I’m being a bitch, but I can’t find it in me to care. I’m hangry and my pregnancy hormones are out in full force today.
“What? What friend?” he shakes his head.
“That girl you were talking to, it looked like you knew her.” My cheeks flush, and I blink away the nonsensical tears that are threatening to fall. What is wrong with me?
This isn’t who I am, but it’s who he’s turned me into. And I hate that. It’s why the possibility of us working out is zero. We’re fire and water.
He twists his head around to glance at the store’s entrance, and then back at me. “No… She told me her boyfriend was a fan and she recognized me because they went to a show together. She was asking if I had any plans to tour again soon.”
And now I feel like the craziest of crazy-ex-girlfriends.
“Oh,” I huff and slump into myself. Alex isn’t such a huge celebrity that he has paparazzi following him around or anything like that, but he does have avid listeners that closely follow his music. I shouldn’t feel jealous about that, but somehow I still do.
He gives me a slight smile and offers his hand. “Do you still want to shop?”
I blink a few times, the feeling of inadequacy still gripping my heart even though I know it shouldn’t be. “I’m kind of hungry,” I mumble.
“Let’s go eat then, we can shop after.” He weaves his fingers through mine before I can protest, and leads me to the other side of the parking lot. “I’ll drive.”
He opens the door for me and I reluctantly crawl up into the passenger’s side of his van.
“Where would you like to eat?”
I sit there silently for a moment, my lips pressed together into a straight line.
“Opal?”
I glance over at him, but still can’t find any words.
He sighs. “I’m sorry if I made you angry.”
“You didn’t,” I shake my head. “I just feel…crazy. I don’t feel like myself.”
He shuts the door and rounds the front of the van before climbing into the driver’s seat. “Did it make you upset that I was talking to that woman?”
Shrugging, I nod my head reluctantly.
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
He’s quiet for a second, studying my face like he’s unsure if he should say anything else.
“I never told you this, but I saw you with Ian one day, on main street,” he sighs. “It fucked me up for days afterward. Seeing him touch you the way I used to, it hurt. A lot.” I had no idea he ever saw us together, the only time I saw Ian since this whole situation started was when I broke up with him. “I know the feelings between us are complicated. I’m not trying to make it worse, I promise.”
They’re complicated alright . “It’s fine, Alex. You didn’t do anything wrong, let’s just drop it.”
“I just want you to trust me,” he whispers.
“Well, I don’t. I don’t trust you.” My voice is clipped, but the pain in it is evident.
His eyes flash with hurt for a split second, but he quickly blinks it away. “What can I do to change that?”
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter, let’s just go eat.” I’m definitely not in the right state of mind to try and deal with the unresolved trauma of our past relationship, and plus it’s not like it matters. We’re co-parenting, we’re not a couple.
He stares at me for a few more seconds and then sighs before turning the key in the ignition, his van rumbling to life. I briefly wonder how many more miles he can put on this thing, it seems like it’s seen better days. “Tacos?”
A tiny smile plays on my lips. Tacos have always been my favorite food. Our first official date was spent sharing a plate of tacos. “That sounds good,” I say.
He drives to the nearest Mexican restaurant. Luckily there’s one on nearly every corner in north Texas, so it doesn’t take long. I’m starving now, my stomach grumbling. My morning sickness hasn’t been as bad this week, thankfully, but now I have near constant hunger pangs.
I order three chicken tacos, and immediately start inhaling the chips and salsa as soon as they’re placed in front of me.
“So I was thinking we could buy a travel system today. We can look at cribs, too, while we’re there.”
I flick my eyes up at him from my chip that has a mountain of salsa and queso piled on top of it. I’m a bit taken aback by his words. “Already?” I shove the chip in my mouth, too hungry to pause my eating for too long.
“Yeah, I mean we might as well start getting prepared, right?”
I feel like we’re both ignoring the elephant in the room: who is going to pay for all of this? It’s no secret that I don’t have a lot of money, but I really have no idea what Alex’s financial situation is. Was he raking in the dough while on tour? I figure he wouldn’t have gotten a job if he were sitting on piles of money, but who knows.
“We don’t have to buy all of it today. I just figured we could get an idea of prices and start planning things.” Our waiter brings our meals out to us and the smell of fresh fajitas makes my mouth water instantly.
After we make our way back to the store after lunch, we pick out a stroller and car seat combo, well he mostly lets me pick it out, but he agrees that it looks good. We bring it up to the front, along with a few gender-neutral onesies. This was the first time I’ve gone shopping for anything baby related, and seeing all of the cute, tiny baby clothing did make me excited, I can’t lie.
“That’ll be $205.16,” the cashier announces.
Alex slides around me, and before I can say or do anything he pulls his card out and pays. I stand there feeling a bit awkward as he loads everything back into the cart, then I follow him as he pushes it out the door.
“Mister money bags, huh?” I go for a light, humorous tone, but I worry it may have come off more intrusive or jealous than anything.
He chuckles. “Hardly, but staying with my dad for free has helped me save a bit.”
I point in the direction of my car and he leads the way, I use my fob to pop the trunk as we get closer. “Yeah, living with family definitely makes life more affordable.”
As he loads the stuff into my trunk, his eyes flick over at me. “I’ve been thinking about that, actually.”
“About what?”
“Our living situations.” He closes the trunk, one hand still holding onto the red shopping cart.
“What about them?”
“I mean, neither of our houses seem to be ideal places to raise a kid. I was just thinking, maybe we should consider other options.”
My brow arches. “Maybe you have money to rent a fancy apartment somewhere, but I don’t. And plus my grandma needs me.”
As stupid as it sounds, the thought of living with Alex still sends a thrill through my veins. That was teenage Opal’s dream, to move out and start a life together.
But now? Shacking up together just seems crazy.
He sighs and turns around to push the cart back where it goes right as my phone starts buzzing in my purse.
My mom’s photo and name flashes across my screen. I’m a bit surprised to see it. Although we’ve been talking more since I told her about the pregnancy, it’s still rare to hear from her randomly in the middle of the day.
“Hello?” I hold the phone up to my ear.
“Opal?” Mom asks, her voice cracking slightly. There’s something distinctly unusual about the tone of her voice that immediately puts me on edge.
“What’s up?”
“Mom…Sh-she had a stroke, I think,” she stutters. “She’s at the hospital. They just called me, I guess I was her first emergency contact on the list. I’m driving there now.”
My stomach dips. “What? Oh my god.” Panic engulfs me, a wave of adrenaline shooting through my veins that makes my limbs feel numb and my lungs incapable of catching my breath.
Of course this would happen the one time I’m almost an hour away from home. Guilt settles into every crevice of my body. Even though I know logically I couldn’t have stopped her from having a stroke, I still feel like a horrible granddaughter anyway, like it’s somehow my fault.
“What’s going on?” Alex asks, at some point he made his way back over here, but I didn’t notice. His face is full of genuine concern, his eyes bouncing over my face and his hands reaching out towards me. “Are you okay?”
“I’ll be there soon,” I manage to say to Mom before hanging up. Without another word or thought, I spin on my heel, opening my driver’s side door and tossing my purse inside.
“Opal, what’s going on?”
“I have to go. My grandma.” My breaths are still short, making it hard to form full sentences.
I feel a warm hand grasp my arm softly. “I’m driving you.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not driving in this state. Whatever’s going on isn’t going to be any better if you end up getting in a car accident.” He winces slightly at the last words in the sentence. Letting go of my arm, he softly places his hand on my back and leads me to the passenger side of the car.
I’m in too much shock to put up a fight right now in the middle of a parking lot, so instead I silently relent, crawling into the passenger’s seat.
“Where are we going?” He asks as he starts the engine.
“The hospital,” I choke out.
His eyes flash with alarm, and then he nods before backing out of the parking spot. “Willow Grove Hospital?”
“Yes.”
He doesn’t say anything else during the drive which I’m thankful for. The hour-long drive is mostly a blur as I oscillate between thinking it’s already too late, and praying that it isn’t. When we finally arrive I run through the front doors of the ER, and quickly rattle off my grandmother’s name and my relationship to her to the receptionist.
“She’s currently in surgery. You’ll have to wait to see her.” She sounds eerily calm, like she’s used to telling people bad news every day.
Surgery? I know next to nothing about strokes, or anything medical for that matter, but that doesn’t sound promising at all. Even more panic grips at my throat. I stand there motionless, searching for words that aren’t coming.
“Just let us know where we can wait.” Alex’s deep voice is calm behind me, and he rests a hand on the small of my back as she directs us to a small room with a few chairs. I’m thankful that we don’t have to be in a huge room full of people at least.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on now?”
“She had a stroke,” I mutter, staring at the floor.
“Shit,” I hear him say under his breath. “I’m sorry, baby.” He says it so naturally, casually, that I hardly register the term of endearment at the end.
My head falls into my hands, and tears that I’ve been holding back finally start to fall. My body shakes as I try and fail to keep breathing normally, my fear of losing the one person that’s always been in my corner is too powerful. I can’t contain it. I’m fucking terrified.
Alex wraps his arms around me, and tucks my head into the crook of his neck. “It’s okay. I’m here,” he whispers as he rubs comforting circles onto my back.
For a second it almost feels normal. Like we’ve always been partners handling life together, and today is no different.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“For what?”
“For driving me here. You were right, I wasn’t in a good place to be driving across town.”
He nods and intertwines his fingers with mine. “Any time.” We don’t say anything else, just sit here in silence for what feels like a very long time.
At some point my mom arrived, I think we exchanged hellos but I’m not sure. Everything feels like a blur, like time is still. She sits beside me with our arms linked together, her tears soaking the collar of my shirt.
“I’m sorry,” she chokes out.
“It’s not your fault,” I respond, feeling halfway numb and not entirely sure what she’s apologizing for.
She combs a strand of hair behind my ear and looks me in the eyes, a sincerity in her gaze that’s laced with regret. “I should have been here, the whole time. I’m so sorry, Opal.”
“Lancaster family?” We both look over, and a doctor in a white coat is standing in the doorway. My heart stops, and I brace myself to hear the worst news of my life.
“Yes,” Alex answers for us, probably knowing that it’s hard for either of us to speak right now.
“You can come see her now, she’s awake. Immediate family members only.”
My whole body sags with relief, and I let out a deep breath I’d been holding for too long.
“Oh, thank god,” Mom mumbles under her breath as she wipes away more tears.
“I’ll be right here,” Alex says. His hand is still resting on my thigh, and he squeezes it comfortingly.
Our eyes connect and we stare at each other for a brief second. Suddenly the strongest urge comes over me to lean in and press my lips against his. I’m not sure if it’s the rush of so many conflicting emotions or just because I’m thankful that he’s here, that I didn’t have to do this alone.
But I don’t, instead I get up and follow the doctor into the hospital room.