53. Alex
FIFTY-THREE
Alex
I ’ve spent the day brainstorming ways to get back into Opal’s good graces, but even after hours of thinking, I’ve come up with nothing. I don’t want to give up, I won’t, but I’m terrified that I’ve fucked up everything beyond repair. Maybe she’s right, maybe I can’t fix this.
Now I’m plucking at my guitar strings, writing down the lyrics that just popped into my head. That’s one thing I can always count on, when I have no idea how to speak with words I’m still able to write my feelings into a song. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
My phone buzzes on the table next to me, Opal’s name flashes on the screen and I’m so surprised that I don’t take any time to think about it before answering.
“Hello?”
“Alex, this is Melissa, Opal’s mom.”
My brows furrow together and I sit back in my chair, whiplashed by the combination of emotions I’ve felt today, now adding confusion to that list.
“Hey… what’s going on?”
I hear her let out a breath on the other end of the line. “Opal is in the hospital. She wasn’t feeling well so we brought her in.”
My stomach drops, and suddenly I can hear my heart racing, the blood rushing through the veins in my head. “What?! Is she okay?” She was totally fine, aside from being upset because of my stupid ass decisions. What the fuck could have happened in the last six hours?
“She’s okay. She started feeling dizzy, so we decided to call the doctor. They told her to come in. It’s her blood pressure.”
“Her blood pressure?”
“It happens to pregnant women sometimes. It happened to me too. But she’ll be okay, the doctors will make sure she’s alright.” It sounds more like she’s convincing herself of that than me.
“Is the baby okay?” Sweat forms on my brow, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if something happened to either one of them, the thought of it throws me into a full blown panic.
“The baby is fine. They’re both fine right now, we’re just waiting for the doctor to tell us more.”
“Can I-can I come see her?”
“Of course.”
I end the call and grab my keys off the counter, mumbling to my dad that I’ll be back later. He’s half asleep so I’m sure he didn’t hear me anyway. I start up my van and drive towards the hospital. The drive is a blur because my brain is so focused on nothing but getting there quickly.
I rush through the lobby and find the elevator, fumbling with the buttons while I read which floor I’m supposed to go to. The receptionist tells me which room to go to, and thankfully she doesn’t hassle me too much after I tell her I’m the father of the baby.
When I find her room, I see her mom and grandma both sitting beside her hospital bed, whispering to each other with worried looks on their faces. She looks so small and pale. Not like her usual self. Seeing her lying there sends my body back into full blown panic mode.
Was her mom just trying to make me feel better? Nausea rolls through my stomach. What if she hadn’t called the doctor?
“Hi Alex,” her grandma says to me, eying me up and down. I realize then that I’ve hardly said two words to either of these women since I got Opal pregnant, and now I feel like a massive piece of shit all over again. They’re going to be my family, even if Opal never decides to be with me again, they’re still my child’s grandmother and great-grandmother.
“Hi,” I say awkwardly, grabbing the back of my neck. “Thank you for calling me.”
Her mom nods and glances back at her daughter. “We were just about to go to the cafeteria and get some coffee. She’ll probably wake up soon.”
I give them both a slight smile and take the seat her mom was in. Even dressed in a hospital gown, with an IV stuck in her arm, she’s beautiful. I gently intertwine my fingers with the hand that isn’t connected to the IV and watch her sleep until her eyes begin to twitch.
She blinks a few times, her eyes adjusting to the bright fluorescents before she looks over at me. “You’re here?”
I nod before bending over to place a soft kiss on the hand I’m holding. “I’m here.” I can’t tell if she looks relieved or disappointed. “How are you feeling?”
She shrugs. “Better. Still a little off though, my head isn’t hurting as much now.”
I study her face, searching for signs that she’s telling the truth. The idea of her being in any pain makes me sick, I can’t fucking bear it.
“I probably overreacted a little bit this morning,” she sighs. “But I didn’t know you still kept in touch with her. For some reason it…really triggered me, I guess.”
I shake my head. “I don’t, I haven’t talked to her since I left the tour early. The only one I really keep in touch with is Dax.”
Her brow furrows, her mouth in a straight line. “What do you mean early?”
“I left the tour right after we broke up.”
“What?” Her gaze falls to the hospital bed. “Why would you do that? Where did you go?”
“I couldn’t keep doing it, and I wanted nothing to do with her after what happened. I went and found other gigs on my own. Played at some festivals.”
“But…why didn’t you just come home?”
“Why would I?”
She scoffs. “Because I wanted you to? Because you promised you were going to make things work between us.”
I sigh, closing my eyes and squeezing her hand tighter in mine. “I felt like I was doing the right thing. I fucked everything up, like I always figured I would sooner or later, and I thought staying away was the best thing I could do for you.”
She shakes her head and pulls her hand away, agony shining in her glassy eyes. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Maybe it is, but I swear I was trying to do the right thing. I thought you’d be better off without me here dragging you down. I figured you’d go to college and find someone with a real future, someone that doesn’t come with all of my baggage. Someone that has parents that care about him and siblings that are…still alive. Someone with a normal family that could give you a normal life.” My voice cracks, and I realize I’m probably making a fool of myself, airing out every insecurity I’ve ever had about myself. But it’s all true, all I ever wanted was for her to be happy.
She blinks the tears away from her lashes, and silently studies my face. “All I ever wanted was you. That’s never changed. Maybe you don’t see it, Alex, but to me, you’re perfect the way you are.”
“Can I lay with you?”
She glances down at the hospital bed. “You can try,” she smiles a bit and it relaxes me. Then she scoots over a little.
I perch my body on the edge of the bed as best as I can. I just need to be closer to her.
“I was so fucking scared when your mom called me.”
She shakes her head. “It’s okay. I’m fine.”
“I don’t know if you’re really fine.”
“I am,” she says in her most stubborn Opal-like tone. The one that I absolutely love.
“Did you know this was going on?”
“The nurse at my last appointment told me my blood pressure was a bit higher than normal, but she said not to worry. I didn’t think anything of it, but then my head started hurting really bad today.”
Guilt washes over me as I realize I should’ve been there. I should have been at every single appointment with her, too, but she kept assuring me that she wanted to go alone.
“I was so scared. When I thought something happened to you, or the baby...” I wince.
“We’re okay, Alex.” She forces a smile, but I can see the anxiety still hiding in the blue depths of her eyes.
“I don’t know what I’d do if…” The doctor walks in before I can finish my thought. I assume that’s who she is based on the white coat, anyway. She’s a tall woman that looks maybe ten years older than us, with short brown hair and kind green eyes.
“Opal, I’m Doctor Ryan. And you must be the baby’s father?”
“Yes.” Suddenly it bothers me a bit that that’s my only title here. Not her husband, not even her boyfriend. It feels wrong.
She looks down at the chart in her hands. “Opal, I'm here to talk to you about what comes next. We tested your urine and unfortunately it appears that you do have preeclampsia.”
What the hell is that? My throat suddenly feels tight and scratchy, and that panicky feeling snakes its way back into my bones.
“You’re going to need to be on bed rest for the remainder of your pregnancy, so that means work is off the table. You can get out of bed to go to the bathroom, walk to other rooms when you need to, like to the kitchen for food, but generally you need to be laying or sitting down. You can take one shower per day…”
The doctor continues talking, and I watch as Opal wrestles with the reality that she’ll be stuck in bed for the next twenty weeks. She doesn’t look happy, and I can tell she’s just as worried as I am even if she’s trying to pretend not to be.
“Let me know if you have any questions. We’re going to keep you here tonight and then you can go home in the morning.” The doctor smiles at us both before walking out the way she came.
Opal is silent, the only sound in the room is bottled sitcom laughter from the small tv in the corner.
“I’m sorry this is happening.” I know it doesn’t help, but I feel the need to say it anyway.
“I’m scared.”
I squeeze her hand before lifting it to my lips and kissing her knuckles. “I’m right here, I will be no matter what.”
Her eyes don’t meet mine, instead they’re pointed down at the thin sheet covering half of her body. “I know that things have been kind of…unclear between us,” she says quietly. “But I think we should go back to how it was before. I don’t think I can handle being more than friends with you, Alex.”
My heart feels like it’s crumbling in my chest, folding in on itself. I want to say no, I want to beg her to take it back, but I can’t. The look on her face is too resolute, void of any sadness or pain. I won’t give up, but right now, the last thing she deserves is another fight.
So instead I nod once, and swallow down all the bitter emotions rattling around in my chest. I need to be brave for her, for our baby, and give her all the space and time she needs. Eventually she’ll see that we’re meant to be together, even if right now she refuses to believe it.