Chapter 31 #2
It’s not the same as his parents. Not at all. There will come a day when Karan’s parents are older, or one of them becomes sick again. A day when they truly do need us more than they do now. But that day is not today.
“She needs me. I’m the only real mother she’s truly known.”
“I know that, and that’s why I would have said yes!” I flinch at Karan’s volume, but he instantly reads me and lowers it back down. “But I should have been included in that conversation. Don’t you see that? You completely took away my power.
“Maybe out of spite because of the way I am with my parents, maybe not, but still, Rachel. That made me feel weak. And untrustworthy. Like…” His voice nearly breaks. “Less of a man.”
A wave of shame and guilt hits me with full force. For a moment, I’m speechless.
As long as I’ve known him, Karan never showed signs of being fragile in his masculinity. He didn’t mope whenever I defeated him at beer pong during our time in the CEGEP dorms at John Abbott.
When we both began our careers and my starting salary was higher than his, he celebrated me instead of feeling intimidated. Any time he got hit on by another man during our outings in the Village, he respectfully turned them down and seemed to feel flattered instead of freaked out.
But I’ve been taking all of that for granted.
My husband’s lack of fragility doesn’t mean he’s bulletproof.
Of course his lack of control would make him feel weak. He’s already conflicted about being under his parents’ thumb. How terrifying, how disorienting it must have felt for me to take away his control in our home as well.
I don’t remain in my speechless daze for very long, since these thoughts electrocute my mind in the matter of a second. Within the next passing second, I’m out of my chair and nestled in Karan’s lap, holding his head against mine, cheek to cheek.
“You’re as much of a man as you were when I married you,” I whisper to him, feeling a shudder passes through his body as he returns my embrace. “If not more. I’m so sorry, Karan.”
“I should have said something earlier, I know, but I was too fucking exhausted from work to even think about getting in a fight with you.”
Karan leans back to take my face in his hands. The way he looks at me makes me feel like the most precious thing in the world.
“All I ever wanted was to make you—and our sons—happy.”
I chuckle through my tears. “Maybe we both need to work on our boundaries with our families, then.”
“Yeah.” He strokes my cheek in a reverent motion. “Maybe it’s time we talk about going to couple’s counseling.”
My body goes rigid. Karan senses this, his expression shifting to worry. He knows what I’m going to say before I say it, but still, I’ve got to say it.
“I don’t know if a counselor can help us,” I whisper.
“This is different, Rach. It’s for the two of us.”
“But what if it isn’t?”
I’ve gone through multiple psychologists, therapists, counselors, you name it.
There’s a lot of shit I needed to work through when I took my sister out of our childhood home and went no contact with our parents.
But, in my experience, none of these professionals can ever tell me anything I don’t already know myself.
Apparently, I’m too self-aware for therapy.
“Baby. Look at me.”
It’s only when Karan says this that I realize I’ve let my gaze fall to the ground. My husband’s soft brown eyes remain patient, steadfast.
“Couple’s therapy is completely different from going alone. As long as we both go with an open mind, we can make this work.”
“I…” My chin trembles. “I don’t know.”
“Okay.” Karan places a hand on my shoulder. “How about we take a break?”
I nearly sob out of relief. “Yeah. Okay.”
“I think we’re making good progress.” Karan presses a soft kiss to my lips. “We’re gonna be okay, Rach.”
I can only hope, yet, the pit in my stomach remains at the idea that we haven’t worked through everything yet. There’s still the question of his job. And I don’t know if I can trust that he’ll truly make an effort with his parents.
“Hey.” Karan raises his eyebrows. “How about we go make use of that hot tub?”
My cheeks heat. So does my lower belly.
“I like that idea.”
For all that I know, we teleport ourselves to the patio; that’s how quickly we make it outside, how much of a blur that moment in between feels.
It’s cold, but I only sense heat when Karan gently peels my clothing away from my skin.
I do the same to him and revel in the delicious warmth emanating from his towering body.
Only once we’re fully naked does he pick me up in his arms to walk us both inside the tub. The scalding water wrapping around my body, along with the contrast of the freezing wind against my face and neck, and the heavy pressure of Karan’s body against mine, awakens my senses in the best of ways.
“Rachel,” Karan gasps against my mouth when the two of us collide. “God, I love you so much.”
“I love you, Karan.”
This isn’t the wild and frantic kiss from yesterday. This time, we go slow, savouring each other, my hands stroking all over his back and weaving into his hair. Just this—kissing him, bathing in all the sensations of him—feels so good that I could remain in this moment forever.
In the quiet of the mountains and the blue skies above, it’s only us. Fourteen years of history between us, and all of the love that we’ve grown like vines entwining us together, creates a bubble that protects us from all the harm we’ve done to each other.
And when Karan finally pushes into me for the first time in months, a sigh of relief escapes my throat, mingling with his panting breath.
“Oh,” I manage to whimper, when there’s so much more I want to say.
Oh, Karan, you feel so good.
Oh, God, I’ve missed having you inside me.
Karan, on the other hand, finds the words. He slides out, painfully slowly, and thrusts back inside me, bringing all of my most sensitive points alive.
“Nothing compares to you, Rachel,” he groans against my ear. “This is…”
So sweet. All-encompassing. Transcendent.
“Fuck, you feel good, Rach.” The sound of his voice, deep and husky, goes straight to my spine, sending tingles across my entire body.
“Karan.” His name comes out in a gasp. “Oh, my God, don’t stop.”
“Never, baby.”
When the tingles culminate into a detonation of sensations, my vision blacks out. The full-body wave of euphoria that takes over me is more than an orgasm; Karan, as promised, doesn’t relent, continuing to thrust into me and whispering encouragements in my ear as tears fall from my eyes.
Even when the initial wave subsides and I can breathe again, I’m still floating in euphoria. A laugh bubbles out of me as more tears fall.
Karan kisses them away and slows down. “You okay, baby?”
“More than okay. Oh… It still feels so good, Karan… please don’t stop,” I pant, tilting my hips to chase more of him.
He grunts in response to my movement, then kisses the hollow of my neck. “I won’t stop. But seeing you like this… fuck, Rach, I don’t know how long I’ll last.”
“Give me everything, then,” I whimper. “Come for me.”
That seems to take him over the edge; Karan grabs my ass to lift me out and sit me on the edge of the tub, his thrusts becoming erratic and deliciously deep.
He buries his face in my neck and groans one final time; seeing him come undone like this only makes me float higher, makes everything that much sweeter.
Because there’s nothing that could ever compare to the love, the trust, the intimacy we’ve built.
The one I cannot stand to lose.