21. Deck
Chapter twenty-one
Deck
C ori’s neighborhood wasn’t too different from mine.
The houses looked mostly the same, other than these were closer together and cost half a million dollars more.
And I lived in the suburbs, so there were chain restaurants and parking lots and strip malls.
The block along the main arterial before I turned onto Cori’s street had an Irish bar and two restaurants, so you could choose between a twenty-dollar burger or a twenty-dollar burrito.
Still, I’d done plenty of jobs in the city and knew Wallingford was a lot less stuffy than some neighborhoods closer to downtown. There were dive bars, a great donut place, and a weird tchotchke shop that sold bacon-flavored bubble gum and rubber chickens.
Cori opened the door dressed in leggings and a beat-up Mariners sweatshirt, an outfit I’d seen her wear many times as a teen.
I couldn’t help but notice how perfectly at home she looked standing in the entryway of her cozy row-house, just as she had in her mom’s trailer.
And on my porch. And behind the front counter at the Center.
The expensive jeans had fooled me for a minute, but now I saw clearly.
Back in the day, I’d admired Cori’s chameleon-like ability to adapt to whatever circumstances demanded. That talent seemed to have only grown. She’d looked good riding in my beat-up truck and wearing my old hoodie, but I could easily imagine her commanding boardrooms in a power suit.
Then I peeked behind her and saw something—or rather, someone—who did look out of place in this townhouse.
Johnny sat sullenly on Cori’s couch, clutching a pillow to his stomach.
Cori opened the door wider, grim-faced as she invited me in. “Thanks for coming, Deck.”
“Of course.”
Johnny glared at us.
“You texted Deck? Like he’s my fucking keeper? I get that you’re married and all, but what the fuck, Cori?”
This was my least favorite version of Johnny.
Defensive. Mean. Acting out like a trapped animal.
I’d never met this side of him until we were seventeen, and he started using regularly.
Usually, the aggression meant he was coming down, getting twitchy with the need for another fix. But his eyes appeared clear and bright.
“Don’t look at me like that!” Johnny shouted, jumping up and tossing the pillow harshly into a chair. “I’m not fucking high, okay?”
I put my hands in front of me, pumping my palms down on the air. “Calm down, J. No one said you were.” I tried to smile. “You are being a bit of an asshole, though.”
Johnny scoffed, marginally calmer as he slumped onto the couch.
“Of course I texted Deck.” Cori sat down next to her brother. “He loves you too. We’re both just trying to figure out what’s going on.”
With the weight of Cori’s words to anchor me, I seated myself on the coffee table in front of Johnny, our knees touching. “You’re only on, like, day fifteen,” I said. “You’re supposed to be in rehab.”
Johnny stared up at the ceiling before covering his eyes with a crooked elbow.
“Day seventeen. And I couldn’t do it, Deck.
I couldn’t stay in that place anymore. The first few days, after the worst of the withdrawal passed, they started talking about therapy.
There were group circles and shit. Fucking meditation. Some people there were nice, but…”
He stopped, and I held my breath.
“But what, Johnny?” Cori asked. Her voice was gentle, but I sensed the upset behind it.
“It wasn’t for me, Sis.”
“What does that mean, it wasn’t for you?”
“I don’t want to be a dick about it, because I know everyone has their shit.
But it was like, one girl I talked to was a student who started using cocaine to get through study sessions.
This other guy was some big shot at a tech company who made six figures while mainlining smack every day.
There were a few guys my age, but I just couldn’t lose that scratchy feeling under my skin.
And I don’t mean from the lack of a fix.
Bottom line, Conscious Horizons wasn’t a good fit. So I left.”
Cori’s face screwed up. “That’s it then, bottom line ?” She stood abruptly. “You didn’t even try! It was always going to be hard. Less than twenty days isn’t long enough to know!”
Johnny glared at her. “It wasn’t the right place.”
“It has the best reputation in the Puget Sound!”
“Just because it’s the best, doesn’t mean it’s the best place for me!”
“Jesus!” Cori paced in front of us, arms flailing. “That’s a lame excuse if I ever heard one! So, what, you came here to try to get clean on your own? Like, after all this time, you’ve figured out how to enact that particular miracle!? Or did you just show up so I could watch you die!?”
“Fuck, Cori!” It was Johnny’s turn to stand. He took a few strides toward the front door. “If you’re going to yell and give me shit, I can fucking leave!”
I jumped up, grabbing him by the wrist.
“Alright, alright, you two. Head to your corners.” I turned to Johnny.
“You need to look at this from your sister’s perspective.
Checking yourself out of rehab is obviously a problem.
Fuck, man, I’m worried too. Just telling us it wasn’t good does nothing about the fact that you have the heart of a Golden Girl and you’re dealing with HIV now. ”
I released Johnny’s arm, and he took a few deep breaths.
“Look, I brought my meds with me,” he said. “I think I’ve got that part down.” He glanced at Cori. “I really appreciate you paying out of pocket for them. I don’t know how I’ll ever pay you back—”
“You don’t have to—”
“I know. I knew you’d say that. And just so we’re clear, I am very aware of what happens if I don’t take the meds.
Which is why I’m sucking up my fucking pride and accepting the help.
Despite what you apparently believe, I don’t actually want to die.
The fact that I’m here and not back out on the street should prove that to you.
I just couldn’t stay in that place anymore. ”
Cori’s phone rattled. She exhaled resignedly and checked the screen. “It’s the rehab. I’m going to talk to them.”
“But I already told you—” Johnny started.
“I get it! This is not me babying you, Johnny. I just need to ask about paperwork and payments and stuff like that. They won’t tell me about your treatment. It’s confidential.”
“You can ask them if you want. I’ll give my permission. But I already told you. It wasn’t the place for me.”
“You don’t have to keep saying that,” I muttered.
Cori pursed her lips and went into a room behind the kitchen to take the call.
I sat down with Johnny at the dining table, glancing at his duffel bag.
“Your meds are in there?”
“Yeah. Right on top, clearly labeled and everything.”
“Stop being a dick. We’re trying to help you.”
“Oh, it’s we now?” Johnny emitted a low noise that might have been a laugh before smirking at me.
“For a year, I’ve been telling you to work your shit out with my sister.
Now suddenly you’re fake married and both of you are up my ass like it’s a team sport.
I’m not sure this was what I had in mind. ”
I crossed my arms and tilted the chair back, eyeing him. “You couldn’t have lasted another few weeks? Not even to make your sister feel better?”
“I couldn’t do it, man. Couldn’t stay there.” Johnny picked at the reddened skin around his fingernails. It drew my eyes to his new tattoos. On his right hand, each bottom knuckle had a number, starting with his thumb: 9-8-2-0-1. Everett’s zip code.
“Alright, then.” I leaned forward. “You left the bougie rehab. What’s the new plan?”
Cori came back into the main room carrying her laptop. She handed it to Johnny.
“They’re sending your medical records to your email address.”
“Johnny has an email address?” For some reason, I found this funny. Whenever he’d stayed at my house, he hadn’t even had a hairbrush.
“Cori set it up for me when she went away to college.”
They looked at one another, and I could guess the rest. There had been times while I was in prison when Johnny had been more functional, short periods when he’d held jobs and apartments, and a longer stretch of sobriety after Eliazar died. He’d told me that himself.
“It’s come in handy a few times,” Cori said vaguely.
“Especially because Johnny doesn’t always have a phone.
” She pointed at the laptop. “Log in to your account. Conscious Horizons is sending over all the records from your time there, along with instructions on how to continue accessing your medications. I got that sorted with the online pharmacy they connected me with, so your meds will be sent here. Can you forward everything to me, so I have a copy?”
“ Yes, Mom . I told you I’m not trying to make this worse. I already knew you’d be pissed enough.” He clicked into his email, and ten seconds later, Cori’s phone pinged with a notification.
“Well, I guess that’s something. I’m relieved you came here, even knowing I’d be mad.”
“Your brother was just telling me what his new plan is,” I interjected, not wanting to lose the thread of that conversation.
Johnny scraped a hand over his face. “No plan yet.” He rolled his shoulders before stretching his hands above his head. “Do you mind if I crash for the night? I’m totally beat. We can figure it all out in the morning, okay?”
Cori nodded, and I knew she was thinking about the last time Johnny slept at her place.
“Will you take the guest room this time?” she asked.
“Sure, Sis.” He grabbed his duffel, stopping to give her a kiss on the head as he made his way to the stairs. “I’ll see you in the morning. Promise.”
Cori sat down on the couch, resting her head in her hands. “Thanks for coming, Deck,” she said through her fingers. “Maybe it was overkill that I called you. But I’m glad you came.”
“Of course I came.” I sat next to her. “That’s what husbands do.”
“Really pushing that to the outer limit, huh?” She chortled, looking up with tired eyes. “I’ll take it.”
“Glad I can amuse you.”