29. Deck
Chapter twenty-nine
Deck
I ’d barely answered the knock on my front door before Cori barreled through. I couldn’t believe she’d shown up at my house.
“Cool trick avoiding me the rest of the afternoon at the Center, Deck. But we need to talk.”
The TV in the living room blared with some movie I’d put on when I got home. I’d thought about calling Juan to see if he wanted to meet up at Tubby’s but decided I’d be shit company. Better to wallow in my own misery than inflict it on my best friend.
What I hadn’t expected was for Cori to show up unannounced, no warning text or anything.
“Is everything okay?” I asked. “Johnny?”
She stopped short in the entryway, removing her shoes and throwing the delicate flats into the box with my dirty boots.
Bastardo immediately jumped in and curled into a ball on top of them.
“Johnny’s fine, I’m sure. Probably chilling on my couch the way he has been for weeks.
I wouldn’t know since I came straight from the Center.
I would have come sooner if I hadn’t agreed to an evening Zoom call with one of the board members. And you know full well why I’m here.”
Flouncing into my living room, she turned around with her hands on her hips. She seemed mad but also…energized.
“Actually, I’m not sure why.”
“No, Deck. Nuh-uh. We’re not playing the game that way anymore. I’m here because you got all weird when you saw me with my friend Graham.”
I sighed. “You can do whatever you want, Cori.”
“Pfft. Come off it.” She paced back and forth in front of my makeshift coffee table before releasing a sound that was half laughter and half annoyance.
“Stop being infuriating. You know it bothered you to see me with him. Just like it bothered you to find out about Marcus.” She lifted her forehead as though daring me to disagree.
“Even if it’s not rational. You don’t believe for one minute that my visit with Graham was anything more than exactly what it was—two friends sharing a conversation.
It just suits your purposes to pretend it could be more.
Something that entitles you to be all…all…
” She flicked her fingers back and forth. “Huffy.”
I scoffed. “That doesn’t even make sense.”
She stopped pacing and stepped nearer to me. “Not everything makes sense, Deck. Especially the scary stuff.”
I crossed my arms. “Am I scared in this scenario?”
“Terrified,” she stated boldly, inching closer. “And we both know why.”
“Is that so?” I aimed for detachment, but the words left my throat sounding hopeful.
Her hands snaked out to pull at my wrists tucked into my armpits. Her breathing remained deep and even as she locked our eyes together. “You need to say it out loud, Deck. I can’t make that leap for you, can’t force you to get over yourself.”
I tried to step back, but she held my hands in a vise grip, mouthing, “Not this time,” as she kept her gaze on me.
“You already know, Cori.” I closed my eyes before opening them again in slow motion.
“You know I’m not like…those other men.” I bit down hard on my bottom lip.
“It’s unfair to let myself want things when that’s what you’re used to.
You’re sophisticated and smart and strong.
You deserve everything a man like Graham can give you. ”
She scowled. “Unfair to who? That’s what you don’t seem to understand. Graham is a great guy. And he is very educated and knows lots of interesting people. But there are important things he doesn't know."
I froze as her hands traveled up my forearms to my elbows.
“He doesn’t know the correct ratio to mix hot sauce packets from Taco Bell into pasta when that’s all you can afford for dinner.
He doesn’t know how to avoid bill collectors and process servers and cops.
He doesn’t know what it’s like to master your mom’s signature so you can sign all the permission slips for school.
He’s never had to search for laundry quarters in the couch cushions, or put on a face for teachers or coaches or social workers. And Deck—”
Her thumbs scratched circles into the sensitive skin of my inner elbows, making my arms tingle.
“Yeah?”
“Graham would have turned Jayden in to the police today. Not because he’s a bad guy, but because of all the things he doesn’t know.” She ran her hands back down to link our fingers together, so our wrists and torsos touched. “He doesn't know me , Deck. He can't. And as far as what he can give me…”
I swallowed, captured wholly by the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen, the ones that had haunted me since I was a teenager.
“He doesn’t make my heart race. He’s never made me crazy. Guys like him and Marcus, they’re nice. But I want more than that.”
“You make me crazy too,” I rasped out. “And you deserve everything. The entire world.”
She pressed herself flush against me. “And what do you deserve?”
My body was as rigid as a statue but also a fucking inferno.
Her question hung in the air, loaded and tense.
I felt every inch of her soft curves, saw the tic in her neck as her pulse beat a rapid rhythm.
The words stuck in my throat like glue. I had to force them up past the threat of pain, force them up through years of guilt and self-recrimination.
At last, raggedly, they broke through.
“You, Cori.” The rough rise and fall of my lungs turned the words into stormy syllables. “I deserve a chance to show you how much I want you. How much I always have. More than anything.”
“Yes.” Her forehead pressed into my neck.
“Because I feel like I’m awake for the first time in twelve years, and I didn’t even know I’d been asleep.
” She ran her nose across my chest, murmuring, “And I want it. To be so known by someone that it makes me more alive, puts me at the mercy of my battered, beating heart.” She placed a soft kiss on my T-shirt.
“Only you’ve ever made me feel that way, Deck.
Like I wanted someone so much I wasn’t totally in control of it. Only you.”
“Only you,” I whispered.
She tilted her head back to gaze at me. “After everything, we deserve to try.”
Moving one hand to my front, she pulled up my shirt to place the bare skin of her palm on my belly, crawling it slowly up my torso.
And then my mouth was on hers, pulling her into me with the raw hunger of a man long denied.
My first taste of Cori was not the delicate exploration it might have been when we were teenagers.
This kiss was a brutal demand, communicating years of pent-up desire.
My hands on her hips kept her firmly anchored as my lips sought purchase, my tongue darting out to wet the seam of her lips, seeking entrance. She opened for me with a low groan.
One of her hands held fast to my shoulders, but the other beneath my shirt continued its exploration, fingertips raking through my chest hair, pulling on my chains and tweaking my nipples.
I came up for air, looking at her with a question in my eyes.
She understood immediately and nodded. “Yes. I want everything, Deck. Everything. We’ve spent too long denying ourselves.”
“You’re sure?” I asked, feeling the swell of disbelief and wonder in my gut.
“Absolutely.”
I replied with something close to a growl, then kissed her again. After a moment, she pulled back, panting. “Please tell me you have an actual bed and not, like, an air mattress on top of U-Haul boxes.”
I bent down and picked her up as she circled my waist with her legs. “Let’s go find out.”
My bed—including not only a cushy mattress but also a box spring on top of a maple frame—was made neatly and efficiently, with a sage green comforter and two pillows.
The bed-making habit had stuck after prison.
When I’d first gotten out and stayed with my parents, I’d tried to revert to my teenage mode of being a slob, as though to solidify my return to civilian life.
But after a while, I’d missed the ritual.
I flipped the switch, turning on the small lamp by my nightstand. Seeing the light streak across my pillows reminded me of something I needed to tell Cori before we got too far.
Reluctantly, I put her down in front of me, stepping back.
“Is something wrong?”
“No.” I said shakily, placing the heel of my hand against the tent in my pants. “I need…before we… I have to tell you…”
She smiled softly. “What is it?”
A long, slow exhale left my lungs. “Well, it’s just… You’re the first person I’ve ever had in this bedroom.”
She looked confused for a moment before breaking into a smile. “Are you trying to tell me you haven’t brought a girl here before? I sort of gathered there hasn’t been anyone serious since you got out.”
I shook my head, looking down. Logically, I knew I didn’t need to be embarrassed, but for some reason, it was hard to say. “Definitely no one serious. But also, not really anyone not serious either.”
She paused before reaching for my hand again, grasping it reassuringly. “I think I understand.”
Meeting her gaze directly, I said, “I had a few one-nighters when I got out, but nothing since I bought the house. And even before, in high school, there were only three.”
“So you put the brakes on just now to tell me you haven’t had a lot of experience?”
I nodded. “I feel like I need to warn you because I’m afraid I’ll be…that I won’t meet your expectations.”
She sat down on the bed, patting the space next to her until I sat, too.
“Listen, Deck, so we’re clear, I haven’t exactly been racking up my body count since we were teenagers.
You don’t need the number, but let’s just say it’s nothing that would bring me to an expert level.
Maybe advanced beginner if the scale is generous.
” She scooted closer and turned toward me.
“Nothing that happened in the past, for either of us, matters now.”
I ran a hand over her thigh. “You’re sure? Because I still plan on blowing your mind. You might just need to give me some time to figure things out.”