Chapter 31
Stella
M eeting Adrian at our spot is etched into my muscle memory. My breath slows, my nerves quiet as soon as I see him there, looking out at the ocean, bathed in the first sparks of sunlight. A smile finds its way to my face as I walk toward him and sit beside him.
“Hi,” I say softly as he turns to face me.
A grin lights up his face. “Hey, Stella.”
We both sit in silence as the waves crash below us. My mind wanders to this trip, to how different everything feels to me now. To how much my priorities are shifting and how much I’m changing.
The career I’d chased for so long now feels insignificant to me. I want a life with more balance, that moves slower. A life that allows me to breathe and take time for myself.
The friendships are an aspect of life I’d given up on, but now they’re what I yearn for the most. I’d kept my friendship with Derek to a minimum. I’d been so paralyzed by the fear of being left again that I didn’t let our friendship grow. I didn’t let it become one where emotions were allowed.
And, crap, my emotions. I spent so long pushing them away that I forgot what it was like to feel .
Everything was a haze and I was comfortable with it because it was easy.
I could focus on building something and not get distracted or hurt.
Now, if there’s one thing I want, it’s to feel.
I want happiness, peace, love, fulfillment, but I’m also willing to feel fear, insecurity, and sadness because that’s a part of life.
Going through life emotionless is so boring .
Where I gave up on friendships as a teenager, I gave up on love when I was an adult.
I’d always thought my relationships never worked out because the men I was with couldn’t understand my ambitions and the necessity I felt to achieve them.
Now, I know it was true, but it wasn’t the entire truth.
I was a part of the problem. I allowed myself to be consumed by not only work, but the thought that my success made me more lovable.
It was always love I craved, but I chased it in all the wrong ways.
I looked for validation instead of understanding.
I wanted to be more when I was already enough.
I wanted to be valuable because of my success when I was always valuable because of me .
Adrian’s hand brushes mine and pulls me out of my thoughts. His eyes dive into mine as a gentle smile spreads across his face. I turn my palm, unable to tear my eyes away from his, and intertwine our fingers together.
“What’s on your mind?”
His voice makes my eyes tear up for reasons I don’t fully understand. His eyes immediately shift from curiosity to concern as his other hand rushes to my face and his thumb brushes away the tear that had slid down my face.
My heartbeat settles. “It’s just . . . This entire trip is affecting me more than I thought was possible.”
Adrian smiles and his eyes turn bright like emeralds. “Stella, you’re not the only one this entire vacation is affecting. This is changing me too, more than I thought anything ever could.”
Curiosity sparks to life, and I lean closer to him. “How?”
He sighs. “It’s giving me a break from caretaking”
I smile. “Which you absolutely deserve.”
He chuckles, but it sounds sad. “Whether I deserve it or not doesn’t matter. What does matter is that having all this time to myself is making me think and reconsider a lot of things.”
“Well, it has to happen when your life isn’t heading the way you want it to go.”
We both stay in a peaceful silence, and I get lost in his eyes. The ones that hold silent promises, the ones that see through every messy part of me, the ones that hold nothing but love and care.
His inhale is sharp. “Is your life heading the way you want it to now?”
I grin, happy tears filling my eyes. “Yes. It is. I’m not as far along as I want to be, but I love where I’m going now.”
He smiles and it’s full of adoration and pride. It takes my breath away. “You deserve that kind of peace, Stella.”
He needs to stop saying those kinds of words to me otherwise I will start believing them.
I take in a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale.
You deserve to believe him , I repeat to myself. You deserve a life that you can’t wait to wake up to. You deserve to be surrounded by people who make you feel at ease.
Adrian seems to sense the change in my emotions because his expression turns worried again.
I shift the focus away from me. “What about you? Is your life heading where you want it to?”
He sighs. “I thought it was, but now I realize it’s not. The problem is, I don’t know what other way to go.”
My heart cracks. “You’ll find your path again. It’s the journey of a lifetime, Adrian. I promise you’ll find your footing again, no matter how impossible it feels right now.”
He smiles, and I scoot closer to him, leaning against his side with my head on his shoulder. I can feel his grin form at the crown of my head.
“You know,” he starts softly, “when Isa started this whole competition, I thought it was silly. I went along with it because she’s my sister and I couldn’t really pick sides between her or my best friend.
But now . . . I’m seeing how much this entire vacation is healing me.
” His voice cracks, and I wrap an arm around him as my heart beats rapidly in my chest. He wraps an arm around my back too and holds me closer.
It’s from the affection I feel in his gesture that I realize he isn’t sad, but emotional.
“Taking a few days to be playful, to laugh, to have fun, to be carefree . . . it’s healing so many parts of me.
I never expected this to happen from Isabella and Jay’s bickering.
” Adrian chuckles. “Honestly, that’s what is making me reconsider so many aspects of my life.
I’m seeing my sisters heal in so many ways right before my eyes.
They’re the hopeful little sisters I grew up trying to make smile and feel loved, not the scared adults who’ve been scared to reach out for so many years. ”
My vision gets blurry. “You deserve the healing too, Adrian. You and your sisters have been through so much and still lead with kindness. You’re moving forward, healing and wanting to chase different goals. It’s the most beautiful part of life.”
Adrian’s eyes dive into mine and a breathtaking smile forms across his face.
“You deserve the freedom to grow and be who you want to be. I can’t describe how proud I am to stand by your side and see you become a new, happier version of you.
I love every version of Stella Brookstone.
The messy, the organized. The lost, the determined.
The goofy, the hardworking. And all the future versions that are to come to life. ”
My vision blurs. “I love you, Adrian. Every part of you, even the parts of you that feel broken.”
His eyes get teary, yet he’s still smiling. “I’m in love with you, Stella Brookstone. My life wouldn’t feel the same, wouldn’t be as bright, if you weren’t in it. Even when you feel like a mess, you make everything in my life feel right.”
We both smile at each other, breathing softly. I exhale, he inhales.
Adrian nuzzles his head against mine, and my heart feels stuffed with sunshine. Gosh, I love this man.
“I just wish . . .” he says softly, “I wish I had the answers. Not knowing what to do with myself, what to do with my life, what to do with my time, makes it so easy to fall into caretaking.”
“Adrian, that’s why patterns are hard to break.
I was feeling the same emotions before I came here, but I’m slowly learning to follow my heart.
I’m slowly learning to listen to myself.
It’s not easy to do when you have spent your life listening to what others say you have to do.
My time here is bringing back the joy I felt during my childhood.
It’s reminding me how important happiness is.
It’s healing the parts of me that always thought I needed to be perfect and succeed at everything to be deserving of joy and love.
I’m learning again what friendships can feel like.
I’m realizing what love truly means because of you.
I’m realizing what I truly want from life.
Finding something to do with your life isn’t always easy, but you have to be strong enough to keep looking for the answers when it gets tough.
You have to fight for your inner child to get the life they’ve always yearned for, even when their voice is hard to hear. ”
Adrian smiles and I feel his demeanor relax. We stay in silence and I give him time to process what I said before I lean closer to him, needing the feel of his proximity. He holds me tighter and I close my eyes, feeling more content than I ever felt before.
The waves crash below us, and the birds start chirping. Everything is peaceful around me and inside me. I will spend the rest of my life making sure I feel this peace.
I’m so caught up in my thoughts and feelings that I almost miss Adrian whispering, “You remind me of the sunrise.”
I tear up. “The sunrise?”
His voice is pure sunshine as he explains, “I’m always waiting for a new beginning—for a new day to start, for my life to move forward.
I was obsessed with watching the sunrise, desperately trying to remind myself that this was a new day and that I could try and move on.
You are the sunrise I’ve been waiting for, Stella.
” My heart squeezes as butterflies break free.
“Without you, I never would have had a new start. Without you, my life would still feel like a dark night. You are my new beginning.”
As I untangle myself from him with teary eyes and gaze at him, everything feels right. I’m right where I want to be, and I want to live in this moment forever.
I sigh heavily, telling him softly, “I’m not leaving. I’m staying here and settling in for good. I won’t go back to the city.”
Adrian holds me tighter, shaking his head.
“Stella, you staying here would be just as much of a mistake as your obsession with work back home. You need balance. You need to make space for all the parts of you to truly shine. Back in the city, you forced yourself into a life where you couldn’t be your playful, affectionate self.
But staying here would do the exact same thing.
You would dim your ambitions, dreams, and work ethics to fit in a different lifestyle.
Every part of you deserves light, Stella.
Find balance in yourself. I can’t bear the thought of you dimming parts of you to fit in, especially if it’s because of me.
There’s nothing I want more than having you close in my life, but I want you to be happy in the long run. ”
I laugh nervously. “You’re right. I don’t know why I always go from one extreme to the other. It drives me insane.”
He smiles, a hint of pride in it. “You’ll figure out how to find that balance, and peace will find its way to you.”
“I sure hope so.”
We stay in our embrace and I lose all notions of time, only for complete comfort to take its place.