CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
“Hey,” Gabe said, stepping out onto the back deck.
It felt weird to have a house that had a back deck, but certainly in a good way.
“Hey,” Emily replied.
She stood out in the dark, looking up at the night sky, puffing occasionally on a joint.
The night had gone well, as far as he felt. They’d spent another hour fucking him on and off until finally they were finished and he had been left gasping for breath, soaked in sweat and feminine sex juices, naked and delirious.
He’d actually fallen asleep for about half an hour and woke up to Holly masturbating beside him. When Krystal had tapped out, Liz had all but dragged her to the basement to burn off some of the sexual energy she’d built up watching them.
Gabe had expected Sadie to make a go at him, but she didn’t. They’d spoken for a bit, mostly about what they had been up to, while he’d laid there recovering. He was glad to see that she was almost comfortable.
In the end, she’d promised him to give him another roll in the hay once he was back up to snuff and had gotten dressed and headed home for the night, thanking them all for the wonderful display.
He’d had a very long shower after that and eventually everyone ended up downstairs in the living room, lounging around and relaxing in their own ways.
Emily was still a bit off, not having been able to completely shake whatever it was that was bothering her. At some point, she’d gone out for a smoke, and he’d caught Abby’s eye. Without saying anything, she’d gently encouraged him to go out after her.
So he’d wrapped up his conversation with Chloe and here he was.
“How you doing?” he asked.
“You know, pretty good,” she replied.
“You don’t seem like it.”
She paused in her puffing and looked at him. She seemed very different now, all of her angry, sexual energy gone, all of her relaxed composure gone as well.
She sighed and offered him the joint. He took it wordlessly.
“I guess I might as well talk to you about it. Abby keeps telling me to. But I feel bad talking to someone else about it.”
“I’ll listen, and help if I can,” he replied.
She smiled. “Yeah, I know. That’s what you do. Not that I don’t appreciate it, because I really do. I just...wish I could handle my own shit for once.”
“You seem like you’ve done a pretty good job of handling it in the last few years at least.”
“You’d think so, but...that isn’t really true.
Everything I did, everything good I did, was because of Abby.
I knew I couldn’t lose her, not after finding her.
But that isn’t what this is about.” She accepted the joint back and took a few puffs on it, then sighed.
“I’m so fucking scared. Of being a parent.
I want to, honestly, I at least know that. But I’m so fucking scared.”
“Of what, specifically?”
“That’s the thing! All of it! I’m scared something’s going to go wrong during the actual pregnancy.
There are so many things that could happen to Abby.
Complications. She could die. And then where would I be?
She could go crazy or something. I’m scared about after the birth.
So many stories of women losing their minds a little and turning into nightmare machines, going from loving their spouse to hating them, even though the spouse isn’t doing anything wrong.
And that’s not even considering all the shit that can go wrong with the actual kid. ”
She sighed and puffed several more times on the joint. “God, I’m going to have to actually give this shit up. I mean I know not like forever, but I’m going to need to really cut back because I’m going to need to just be generally more available and capable of doing shit. But just...ugh.”
Emily looked up at the night sky again. It was a clear, cold night. The forecast tomorrow called for light rain, but if it was true, the clouds were still far off.
“Something else about this is bothering you,” he said finally.
She looked at him, vaguely startled. “Why do you say that?”
“I’m not sure. It’s just...so don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with you talking to me about this–I want you to–but all these concerns are things you’d have spoken with Abby about, or Ellen or Krystal.
Because they’re all reasonable concerns.
I think...there’s something you haven’t talked to anyone about, and that’s what’s really bothering you. ”
She stared at him with something like wonder and almost fear, then groaned and shook her head. “Goddamnit, I hate how good you are at reading me. It’s honestly freaky.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be, it’s a superpower and you’re using it for good.
And I should just take my medicine.” She paused, then glanced back anxiously at the backdoor.
She sighed. “I’m scared I’m going to resent Abby and our child and maybe even you because I...
I don’t want to give up my life! Everyone talks about how much they have to sacrifice, the insane lack of sleep, the insane hours, how you have to be switched on and worried over your kid for years in the beginning.
“And even after that, when things settle down, you still have to sacrifice so much! I like being able to just do whatever I want whenever I want! And I knew all this before, and I thought I’d made peace with it all even before you stepped into the picture.
But now Abby’s actually pregnant and it’s just suddenly more real in a way that wasn’t before and now I’m wondering if I am actually ready!
And even if I’m not, well, it’s too late now!
There is no way Abby is giving our child up, not now that she’s pregnant.
And I don’t even want her to! I’m just so fucking scared because now I’m locked in, I’m backed into a corner with no way out! ”
She lost her next sentence as it got caught in her throat and she began to cry. Gabe thought she would and was ready with a hug, and she squeezed him, almost fell against him, crying quietly as he held her.
“This is so fucking dumb,” she muttered, sniffing, between crying.
“It’s not dumb,” he replied. “Just cry.”
“Fuck,” she said, and kept crying.
He stood there in the moonlight on his new back deck and held a woman he was not dating as she cried over how his impregnation of her wife might affect her life, and...strangely it didn’t feel insane. It felt…
Normal.
Well, maybe not normal, but correct, perhaps?
It made sense to him.
After Emily had stopped crying and had spent a moment still holding him tightly, she finally sniffed and released him.
“Here,” he said, offering her some tissue from his pocket.
“What, did you just have these?” she replied, accepting them and blowing her nose.
“Yeah. Given how much this kind of thing happens around me now, it seemed prudent.”
She laughed and took another and wiped at her face.
“I guess that makes sense. There’s a lot to cry about but so few people we can cry around, and you’re one of them.
” She looked at her joint, which she had stubbed out and set aside on the railing at one point, then took it and slipped it into a pocket, along with the used tissues.
“You have reasonable concerns, Emily,” he said.
“Do I? This is so fucking selfish. I’m preparing to be a parent and my biggest concerns are not being able to get high and play video games enough.”
“Those are not your biggest concerns, Em. They just feel bigger because you’re ashamed of them, and because of that shame, you haven’t talked to anyone about them, so you haven’t gotten any relief on them, whereas for the others, you have, which makes this one feel bigger than it really is.
And even then, it’s still a valid concern. ”
“...I guess so,” she murmured uncertainly.
“Em, these are reasonable concerns, and you should talk with Abby about it. Honestly, you should do like we’re doing and get a therapist, because this is exactly the kind of shit they can help with.”
She groaned. “Fuck, I know, I just don’t want to. And I don’t even know why I don’t want to. But yeah, I’m going to. Abby kinda made me promise to, because that’s what she had to do to get me to actually do it.”
“Change is hard, and this is a really big change. But I’ve got some stuff that can help you feel better right now.”
She looked at him excitedly. “You can? Like seriously?”
“Yeah. I mean, I think so. It’s practical stuff.”
“I am very listening.”
“Okay. It seems to me that a lot of the pressure from having your first kid comes from issues that you don’t have. A bad or even just neutral relationship is one. You and Abby seem pretty rock solid. So you’ll be a unified front on handling this.”
“Yeah, that’s true,” she murmured.
“Another big one: time. You and Abby pretty much have your stay-at-home jobs locked down, and Abby doesn’t even need hers, from the way you made it sound.”
“Yeah, she could just stop and we’d be okay if we cut back on some shit. I mean, we’ve got a lot saved up now.”
“Right, so you don’t need to leave your house forty plus hours a week to go work a job you hate that drains you of emotion and energy and then come home and deal with caring for a child and also maintaining your relationship.
I think that will take some noticeable percentage of the pressure off.
And on top of that, you’ve got people in your life who can and will help you if you ask for it. ”
Emily stared at him for a moment, then leaned back against the railing and looked up once more at the clear, starlit skies.
“That did help,” she said. She looked at him once more. “I’m sorry. I feel kinda bad about tonight now.”
“What?! Why?”
“I don’t know, I guess I do feel like I kinda took out some anger on you.”
“If you did, I didn’t feel bad about it and it rolled very nicely into everything else. I feel nothing but great about what we did today and tonight. But if it will make you feel better, I accept your apology and forgive you.”
She laughed softly and shook her head. “It does make me feel better, but you’re way too nice.”
“Why do you think that?”
“I thought it’d be obvious.”
“I think you just got too used to people holding shit over your head anytime you fucked up. I don’t want you to feel bad.
I don’t want to hold anything over you. I don’t feel like you’re trying to fuck me over in any way.
There’s no reason not to be nice. Tonight was fun, and good, and not just because I got to fuck you and come in you twice.
It was fun and it was hot. I’m finding increasingly that I really enjoy a more... antagonistic type of sex.”
She snorted. “Apparently. Krystal showed me that video of you slapping her and choking her. That was...crazy hot. And you’re really good at it.”
“Good to know.”
“You’re still a little shy.”
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s ever going away. Especially not when I’m talking about sex to an insanely attractive woman.”
She rolled her eyes. “Come on, I’m not insanely hot. Especially not when you’ve regularly got those five in your bed. Like, fuck me, Holly and Chloe are crazy beautiful. Like, fucking models.”
“I mean so are you,” he replied.
“I am so not.”
“You are. From an objective standpoint, you’re really fucking hot. And those tattoos only add to this fact.”
“Uh-huh.” She pursed her lips, clearly trying to think of something to say, then gave up. “Whatever, I can’t with this right now. Let’s go back inside before Abby or Ellen comes out after us. And...thank you. For this conversation. It meant a lot to me.”
“You’re welcome, Emily.”
They headed back inside.