CHAPTER TWELVE #2
“I...am gonna need more than that,” he replied.
She groaned. “I got cocky in middle school. I was just...really good at sports. All of them, basically. And a few of them I was really good at. And then in high school, it got a lot worse. I learned about shit talking and I loved it. I thought it was my right, because I was the best at a lot of things. And, you know, I shit talked. And got in people’s faces if I was too hyped up.
I started getting more...physical. Shoving people, punching people.
Not, like, seriously! Just...horsing around, you know? ”
Gabe simply nodded, waiting, listening. He hadn’t expected this, but it did make sense. It lined up kind of perfectly with her personality, now that he knew her better.
“I got bigger, stronger. My mom tried to tell me I should calm down, but...looking back on it now, it was obvious she was trying to guide me away from learning a painful lesson. By tenth grade, I was leaving bruises on people’s arms. And everyone just kinda put up with it because they were scared of me.
I didn’t really understand that, I figured it was more they were intimidated by me.
Which fit very nicely with my own internal narrative.
And it was getting bad as my sophomore year was just starting to wrap up.
There were a few girls that got on my shit list and I just really ragged on them. And then it happened.”
Gabe waited, listening still. This was probably going to be pretty bad.
“I got into rugby that year. We were going up against another school. It was a pretty big deal, big match, because both schools sported heavily winning teams. To make a long, painful story short...there were a few girls on the other team who were at least as good as me. One was better, by a lot. And my teammates were sick of my shit. I won’t exactly say that they threw the game, because we were kinda screwed anyway, but they stopped helping me on the field.
And we were crushed, and I personally got my ass handed to me. Very publicly. And just…”
She groaned and hugged herself, turning away from him and facing the front. Gabe scooted closer to her and wrapped her in a hug.
“Everyone let me know just how badly I’d done for the rest of the year.
Every insult and shit talk I’d ever said got thrown back into my face, everywhere in school, all the time.
In class, in the halls, at lunch, fucking everywhere.
It...kind of broke me. I mean, it all sucked, but what really broke me was realizing what a huge piece of shit I’d let myself turn into.
When I realized that ninety percent of the people I’d labeled as ‘haters’ were right.
To say I was humbled was an understatement. And I just…”
When she started crying, Gabe was ready for it. He was already decent at reading people, but by now, it was very obvious to him when a woman was preparing to cry. She leaned into him, squeezing him as he hugged her.
“Gabe, I-I didn’t-I can’t-” she tried to get something coherent out, but kept getting interrupted by a fresh sob.
“Shh. Just cry,” he murmured.
She started crying harder. He held her until she’d cried herself out a few minutes later. He had some tissues prepared for her when she pulled back. She saw them, then half-laughed, half-sobbed, accepted them, and cleaned herself up.
“Thank you,” she said awkwardly.
“You’re welcome, Liz.”
“That’s the whole story, basically. I’ve thought about it so much.
Only Krystal knows, really. Well, I mean, and my parents, and obviously the people I went to school with.
But I mean, in my life presently. And this is...
my biggest shame. I regret it so much. Honestly, the more I live, the more I regret it, because the more I realize just how much damage I did.
I mean, I doubt I drove anyone to suicide, but I probably caused a few mental disorders. ”
She fell silent and stared at him with a mixture of anxiety and fear and just a bit of hope.
“Liz,” he said, taking her hands, “I don’t hate you.
And it’s hard to judge you for the same reason it always is: I wasn’t there.
And while I believe that it is up to each individual person to not be a shithead, I also understand how easy it is to be one.
And even how easy it is to get kinda stuck, being a certain way. Especially as a teenager.”
“You really think so?” she murmured.
“Yes. I mean, if you do a thing and it feels good and there’s no immediately obvious negative repercussions, it does feel like our brain is significantly more likely to keep doing it.” He paused, then checked his phone. “Shit, we gotta get moving if we’re going to get there on time.”
“I’m sorry,” she groaned. “I’m fucking everything up. You worked so damn hard on this day. On all of our days, and just-fuck!”
“It’s okay, Liz. The day is still going, still good. Come on.”
“Yeah, right after I shoved you on the ground and wasted time crying and complaining about what a bitch I was in high school,” she muttered as they got into the front seats.
“Liz, you gave me a playful shove, I tripped, it was just bad timing. And crying isn’t a waste of time. And talking about your problems isn’t either.”
“So...what do you actually think?” she asked cautiously as they started driving.
“I think you were a shithead as a teenager, like a lot of us were. And okay, yeah, you sounded like you were more of a shithead. I think you got spanked publicly and that sucked and I’m sorry it happened, but...
it seems to have turned you into a really good person?
Or at least been relevant to the process. ”
“Definitely it was relevant. I came back to school the next year a different person.”
“How’d it go? Going back?”
She chuckled. “One of those: not nearly as bad as you think it’s gonna be.
I was so worked up, but honestly...teens have short memories.
There’s always new drama. Some people ragged on me, but it was like a tenth of what I thought it was going to be.
God, I had a nightmare that I came back to school and there was a huge banner of me hung across the front entrance, like, falling on my face.
And I also made sure to track down and apologize everyone I could remember being a shit to. ”
“How’d that go?”
“Um...mostly good. Some people were cool, some were awkward, mostly people were fine with just letting it die. But some took advantage of it, and shoved it in my face, and I accepted that, because I was the one who’d fucked up.
But...the rest of the school year went pretty great.
I went from being the bitch talking shit on everyone and whining about haters to being basically a cheerleader for other people.
I didn’t want to just stop doing damage, or even make up for it, I wanted to create happiness. So I tried to.”
“You sure seem to have managed that one.”
She laughed and rolled her eyes. “Gabe, you are...so amazing.”
“I mean, so are you. Also, can you answer a question for me?”
She immediately looked pensive. “...yes.”
“It’s nothing bad. I mean, I think. But why did you relentlessly tease me and then abruptly stop? What happened there?”
“Oh. Right...I suppose now is a good time to tell you about my surprise.”
“I’m listening.”
Now she smiled, looking very pleased. “Gabe, I managed to find a hot, pregnant bisexual woman we can have a threesome with.”