Chapter Twenty-Four
TOMMY
She’s becoming increasingly distant as the days go on. After we first arrived, she slept on and off for the first couple of days, which was understandable. But now it’s been two weeks and she’s restless, her sleeping has become more sporadic. I don’t know how to make things better for her. There’s this urge to pull her into me and hold her, and I have when she’s been at her lowest, her melancholy calling to mine. But this is different. She’s pulling away, withdrawing. Maybe I’m not the man she needs right now. River or Elliot would have been the better choice—hell, even Jax. At least they can give her what she needs. They’re tactile with her, and it’s like second nature. With me, I have to consciously work on breathing through any anxiety, pushing it down to offer her even a small semblance of physical comfort to give her my touch.
I’m a poor fucking substitute.
“Fuck.” I slam the book I was reading shut, the pages fluttering. The words have been a blur, offering no solace. Reading, which has always been my escape, now feels futile.
Is that because Lily has become a way for me to do that? By being in her presence, she’s given me another way to find peace without even trying. It wasn’t even anything she’d done. Slowly, she’s managed to infiltrate all my carefully constructed barriers.
I find Lily staring out the window, the sky awash with pale oranges and pinks, colouring the clouds as they fade into deeper purples and blues as the sun dips below the horizon. The light casts a serene glow over the water.
“Want some company?” I ask, my voice gentle as I step closer.
She glances over her shoulder, her eyes heavy with her fatigue. She smiles at me, but it is just a reaction—it’s not real. I can see the torment clouded within her expression.
“Of course,” she replies, her voice barely above a whisper.“I’m sorry, you must be bored out of your mind stuck here with me.”
I sit in the chair beside her. “Not at all, I don’t mind the quiet.”
“I used to love the quiet,” she says wistfully, her gaze returning to the view. “But lately, I just find it suffocating,” she admits.
I stand up and hold out my hand. “Come on, put on some layers. Let’s take a walk and clear the cobwebs.”
This time, her smile conveys a flicker of sincere emotion, and some relief fills me. “My mum used to say that.” She takes my outstretched hand, and like I always do, I brace myself, taking a silent breath in preparation, but with each touch we share, I realise it’s becoming easier.
Together, we make our way to our rooms, and within a few minutes, we’re back in the hallway, only this time adorned with more clothing.
She wrings her hands in front of her. “Are you sure this is okay?” she asks, a nervous edge to her voice.
“Yes, sunshine, I’m positive. We’re just going to walk down along the coast. We don’t need to stay in the house twenty-four-seven. I was just trying to give your body some time to recover. ”
Pulling her shoulders back, she gives me a nod and then makes her way downstairs. I have a knife in my boot and my phone on me. I messaged Jax from my room to let him know I was taking Lily for a walk. They have access to the built-in security system to see when the alarm is deactivated or reactivated. But I still keep the guys updated. The last thing I want is them worrying while they’re busy tracking down that arsehole. Not to mention George’s latest stunt with the diminished responsibility plea, one I agreed to keep from Lily for now.
She sits on a bench by the door and pushes her feet into her boots before I help her with her long coat and zip it up to her chin.
“Right, you ready?” I ask her as I pull on my coat and grab my beanie and pull it down over my head.
“Cute,” she says, her cheeks heating when she realises she said that out loud.
“Well, I’m not sure cute was quite what I was going for, but coming from you, I’ll take it as a compliment,” I reply with a wink, one I know River would be proud of.
I grab the keys and enter the code on the alarm pad before reaching for Lily’s hand and locking the door behind us.
It will be dark soon, so I’m keeping the walk short.
I keep her hand in mine as we walk down to the coastline. We come to a stop and stare out at the view ahead.
“The quiet isn’t so loud down here,” she says after a beat, her breath a mist of fog.
“Glad you came out?” I ask, my gaze moving to her face, the only skin visible beneath her quilted coat.
“Yes, thank you.”
I tug on her hand gently to continue walking and decide to tell her a little more about my past.
“You know I was in the military with Jax and the guys, and that’s why we ended up working with him when we left. ”
“Yeah, he told me,” she says softly. “He also said it was his fault you and Elliot were both hurt.”
A heavy sigh escapes me. “It wasn’t Jax’s fault, but he was in charge, so he still carries that burden.”
We walk a little further, allowing the silence to fill the void once more before I continue. “During our last mission, everything went sideways. There was an explosion, that’s how Elliot was injured, and I ended up being separated from the team.”
Lily’s steps falter, but she keeps her pace, tightening her grip on my hand. “What happened?” she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.
“I was captured,” I begin, my voice low and steady. “They moved me around a lot. They kept me in cells, barely more than holes in the ground. Well, that’s how it felt anyway. Days bled into nights, and time lost all meaning. They tried to break me, physically and mentally.” Starvation, isolation, beatings. They wanted information, but mostly wanted to make an example of me.
Her eyes go wide, the fatigue momentarily forgotten. “Tommy, I’m so sorry. How did you... how did you get through it?”
“By holding onto anything I could,” I say roughly. “Retreating into my mind. Memories of home, my family and the hope of rescue. I also knew the guys would never give up on me. We have an unbreakable bond, a sense of duty to each other. I knew I’d never give up if it were any of them.”
Lily falls silent, absorbing my words. I continue, the weight of the past not bearing down on me quite so hard, but never-the-less present, “It felt like a dream when I was finally rescued. I kept expecting to wake up in one of the cells again. It took me a few months to physically recover, but the mental scars... they’re at my core. There are some things you see or endure that cause irrevocable damage. ”
The coast stretches out before us, vast and dark.
“I’m telling you this because I need you to understand why I am sometimes the way I am,” I say, turning to face her and bringing us to a stop. “It’s why I find it hard to express my feelings—my struggle with touch and my need for control. You have to know it’s not a reflection of you or that I don’t care, Lily. Because I do more than I can put into words. It shocked me how easily I’ve started to fall for you. My fear now is I won’t be able to give you what you need, that I won’t be enough.”
She nods slowly, her grey eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “You are enough, Tommy. Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it wasn’t easy.”
“No, it wasn’t, but you make things a little lighter. You give me an inner sense of peace,” I reply gently. “I want to be that for you too.Even when I struggle to show it or give you everything you need, I need you to know I’m trying.”
I cup her cheek and wipe away a straytear, not one from pity but frommutual understanding.