Chapter Thirty-Eight
LILY
After theamazingkiss we shared, I felt Tommy pulling away almost instantly. He became even more withdrawn as we sat silently and ate our pancakes.
I offered to clean the kitchen, but he told me to go and sit and enjoy the rest of my wine. I got the impression, from his body language, he needed a moment. Grabbing the iPad and glass of wine, I went upstairs to my room.
Desperate to speak to Avery, and seeing as Elliot assured me it was safe to use the iPad, I give into my need.
Plumping my pillows, I lean back against my headboard and use a cushion to balance the iPad. I bring up the FaceTime app and pull up Avery’s number, tapping to call.
I chew on my lip as I sit here, waiting for it to connect.
“Lils,” she says as soon as her face appears on the screen. “Are you okay? Is Mia okay?”
I texted her earlier in the day to tell her the guys think they found Mia and that’s where they were going, but no more details than that.
“I’m still waiting on news,” I reply. I hate feeling so helpless. I get why they didn’t want me going, but I could have done something, anything,ifit meant they were closer to getting Mia back.
“She’ll be fine, Lils, you’ll see.”
I nod. “Yeah, I know, I trust the guys. If anyone can get her home and safe, it’s them.”
She tilts her head slightly, and I notice her hair is curled and her makeup is freshly done.
“Shit, sorry, were you about to go out?” I ask, instantly feeling guilty.
“No, I’ve still got time. What else is wrong, issomething else bothering you?”
Strangely, I forget how intuitive she can be. I’ve spent so many years keeping parts of myself hidden that I forgot what it felt like to let my guard down.
“Am I that easy to read?” I ask, trying to keep my tone light.
“I know you’re worried about Mia, but there’s something else. Is it to do with Tommy?”
I grab my wine and take a large sip before glancing back at the screen. She’s watching me with her perfectly shaped eyebrows.
“Yes and no,” I reply honestly, my eyes flicking to the door I left ajar. I’m still not comfortable being in a room with the door closed. I’ve tried a few times, but it brings on this overwhelming feeling of being trapped. I’d like to think Tommy wouldn’t eavesdrop, but I lower my voice anyway.
“I like him—I like all of them,” I say, my cheeks heating with my admission.
Her rouge matt lips part into a toothy smile. I remember when she had braces. She would never show her teeth when she smiled until one day, she said fuck it. Her confidence and loyalty to her friends and family are some of the things I admire about her.
“Well, it’s impossible not to, and that much is obvious. I’d let them butter my crumpet,” she says with a wink .
Her words have me blushing, and she sits forward, her entire face filling the screen. “Lilith Montgomery, what are you not telling me? I was positive there was something between you and Tommy, and then I saw how the guys were acting after you were in the hospital, I thought there was more to it. Please tell me one of them did indeed butter your crumpet.”
I can’t help but laugh. “More than one,” I reply, my lower stomach pulsing at the memory. “Except Tommy, I’ve been with them all.”
I believe I’ve managed to render her utterly speechless as she chokes back her surprise and reaches for a glass of water on her dressing table.
She raises her hand, picks up her phone, walks over to her bedroom door, and closes it softly.
“Hold up, are you telling me you’ve slept with them? As in plural?”
I nod.
“But not Tommy?” she frowns, almost confused. “I thought he’d be a sure thing.”
I let out a heavy sigh. “It’s complicated.”
She snorts at that. “When isn’t it?”
I chew on my lip, but I’m unsure how much to divulge.
“Nope, you are not dropping that on me and leaving out the most important details. Spill.” Avery stares at me expectantly, and I know there’s no way I’m getting out of this, but it doesn’t stop me from trying.
Raising an eyebrow, I raise my chin. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”
She settles onto her grey button chaise lounge, resting her arm over the back. “Nope, I have plenty of time.”
“Okay, fine.”
I tell her about the hotel, my encounter with Jackson and my treasured moments with Tommy. By the time I’ve finished, she is fanning herself with a dreamy look .
She sighs. “Oh my God, Lils, talk about living your best life.”
And then her eyes widen. “Of course, not all the other shit you’ve endured. All I mean is, high fucking five to you. I’m proud you finally got some tender, loving care down there. And well deserved action.”
I laugh off her comment, but it quickly dissipates. “Do you think it’s wrong that I want them all...that I have feelings for all of them?”
Avery’s eyes soften. “No, Lily, not at all. Even if no feelings were involved and you wanted to take them all out for a test drive, there’s nothing wrong with that either.”
“You don’t think it’s weird?”
She shakes her head. “Define weird? Just because it’s not something in everyday society, it doesn’t make it weird or wrong. And as long as you’re careful and they give as much as they take, I say it’s all good.”
Avery knows my experience up until this point has been limited and that I was a virgin, but I love her even more for not judging me or shying away from talking about it, especially with how awkward I can be at times.
“I never imagined it would be like this,”I admit. “The way they make me feel, they’re the pieces of my heart I never knew were missing.”
She swoons at my confession. “Damn it, Lils. You’re in love with them, aren’t you?”
I swallow hard and suck in a breath. “Yes, and Iam absolutely terrified.”
“Ican’t imagine finding one soulmate, let alone four. Understandably,you’d be scared and havereservations.”
Soulmates?
Sometimes, I forget how much Avery is a romantic at heart. She believes in fate and that there is someone out there for everyone .
“What if they decide I’m more hassle than I’m worth? What happens if they suddenly get bored of me?”My thoughts are on a downward spiral. “If I give over to these feelings, they have the power to take it away. I’m not sure I’d cope with that.”My chest tightens at the thought of losing them, and yet they’re not mine, not really. I mean, can a person belong to another?
“Lily,”Avery says, her voice level and steady. “I need you to take a deep breath, okay?”
Her words pull me back, and I do as she says, trying not to allow my anxiety to get the best of me.
I scrub my hand over my face and let out a deep groan. “Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”
Avery frowns. “Don’t apologise. It’sa lot to take in under any other given circumstances. With everything else on top, it’s unsurprising you’re overwhelmed.”
“Thank you, I don’t know where I’d be without you.”
She smiles. “That’s good, because you’re stuck with me. Meeting you was fate, but becoming your best friend was a choice. And I’ll always choose you.”
“Ditto.”
Reaching for my wineglass, I drain thelast of my wine.
“Easy there, slugger, you want to be on your A game for Tommy,”she says, wiggling her eyebrows and poking her tongue inside her cheek in a suggestive manner.
My skin flushes hot. “That’s the thing, with his past, it’s hard for him.”I never went into detail about what happened. I would never betray his confidence like that, and I know Avery would never ask. “He needs to be in control.”
She shrugs unconcerned. “So give him control,”she replies like it’s the simplest solution.
I lick my lips. “What do you mean?”
“Submit to him,”she says with a wicked grin. A knock at her door distracts her, followed by a muffled voice Ican’t quite hear.“Shit, I’m sorry, Lils, I need to go. But let him take control, submit.”
I swallow and nod, not even sure how I would go about doing that. “Love you, be safe.”
“And you. Please let me know as soon as you hear any news on Mia, and in the meantime, take your mind off it by getting off under Tommy’s very delectable hands.”
And with that, she disconnects the call.
I dropthe iPad onto the bedside table. Pulling open one of the dresser drawers, I find some pyjamas and head to the bathroom, leaving the door partially open. I strip out of my clothes and take a quick shower.
Drying off, I pull on my shorts and matching top and then cover myself in the soft robe hanging off the back of the door.
I let out a small gasp on entering my room, where I find Tommy sitting on the edge of the bed, his face in his hands.
“Is everything okay?”I ask, suddenly worried. “Have you heard anything?”
He glances up. His usual emerald-green eyes are more of a forest moss in this light. “No news yet. I just wanted to check you were all right.”
I swallow, round the bed, and sit beside him, sinking into the mattress.
“The question is, are you?”
He nods and then shakes his head as though he’s at war with himself.
“I hate the look of rejection that crosses your face when I can’t give you what you want.”
His words are like a physical blow. “You give me more than you could know. I wish I could make you feel half of the way you make me feel,”I reply, my hand itching to take hold of his, but I know he needs to be the one to initiate it.
“God, Lily, you do. You opened up parts of me I thought had died. There are so many things I want to experience with you, but the thought of having no control is what’s stopping me, and I’d never ask you to relinquish yourself to me. That’s not fair on you.”
Swallowing hard, I hold his gaze. “But you’re not Tommy. I’d happily give myself over to you if it meant you felt comfortable enough to be with me,”I reply honestly.
He traces his finger over the back of my hand, causing my body to break out in goosebumps.
“But that’s the thing, I am comfortable with you, Lily. It’s not you that’s the problem. It’s me and the fear you’ll suddenly touch me. I haven’t been with anyone... not since—”His words get stuck in his throat.
Avery’s words sit heavy in my mind.
Submit to him.
I pull on my reserves to do just that.
“Then I won’t... touch you, I mean, not unless you ask me to.”I move to my knees, hand reaching for the belt of my dressing gown. “Here, use this.”I pull the cotton belt through the loops and hand it to him before holding my wrists together.