Chapter 33
ANNIE – EARLY NOVEMBER
I’m Going to Stay Home Tonight
Tanner is deep in conversation with Darcy at the front desk. I’ve said my goodbyes to her, Sas and Colton, so I head out to the parking lot.
Propped up against the swanky car of the guy who went down on me last night, I attempt to call the father of my child, muttering to myself, “This is messed up.”
Auston
I can’t speak, I’m about to go out for warm-up.
Me
Is it true that you’ve asked for a trade to the Bears?
He doesn’t miss a beat as he replies simply:
Auston
Yes.
One word that literally winds me.
Me
Why?
I wait for a reply that doesn’t come. Then Tanner is next to me and putting both our bags into the trunk of his car.
“Ready?” he asks.
Jumpily, I shove my phone into my purse. The cycle begins again. Hiding Auston from my family and friends.
But new today is that I am unexpectedly hiding Tanner from my family and friends, too. Another football star. Another guy I shouldn’t want. The same old secrets and deceit.
The ride home is excruciatingly awkward.
I spend part of the time replaying the connection between Tanner and me last night, heat I felt, or thought I felt.
I spend a lot of the time missing Nelson and wondering if I should have come on this trip at all, even if I was having the best time until right after I orgasmed last night.
Much of the time wondering what Auston is playing at with this trade business.
And too much time actively avoiding looking at or speaking to Tanner, which is the worst part, because the easy way that’s always been between us isn’t easy at all today. It’s silently fraught.
“Tanner, I’m going to stay at the ranch tonight.”
He keeps his focus on the road ahead but the muscles in his jaw flex beneath his beard. “Why?”
“We could both use some space.”
“I don’t need space from you, Annie.”
“Okay, well, honestly, I need to just sit with everything for a night. Plus, I want to see Nelson and—”
“Nelson would come back to the city with us.”
“Tanner…” I sigh. “I don’t know what I’m doing or what to do for the best but I think I’ve got to figure it out on my own. Can you understand that?”
Finally, he looks my way. “Yeah, I can.” Then he smiles gently. “Miss Independent. So I’ll see you tomorrow? Tuesday? Wednesday, at the training ground?”
That’s right. On Wednesday I’m supposed to be interviewing some of the guys on the Bears’ roster.
Tanner arranged it for me, had to strong arm Coach Roy, apparently.
I haven’t forgotten – it’s a huge deal for my project.
I’ve done the preliminary work but with everything else going on, it slipped my mind.
I nod. “Wednesday. Betty or Colton can bring me.”
We pull up at the ranch and I get out of the car before the engine has even stopped. I start taking my own bag from the trunk but Tanner appears, lifting it for me and handing it over.
My hand grazes his as I take hold of the luggage and the most ridiculous wave of emotion comes over me. Biting my gums, I crush it down.
“Annie, you don’t have to do this. What happened between us last night and whatever’s going on with Auston doesn’t have to change our living arrangements.”
I look up to his pleading eyes but they only add to my feeling of being lost at sea. “Doesn’t it?”
I know I’m taking my confusion out on him and it isn’t fair. He deserves much better than to be my punching bag, especially since it was me who came onto him last night. But… “I need a couple days to get my head straight.”
I reach up to my tiptoes, take hold of his face and press my lips to his cheek, lingering for a second to indulge in his scent, in his touch, the firmness of his hands on my waist.
“Thank you for this weekend.” I feel my skin flush. “All of it.”
I want to go further. To tell him that being intimate with him meant something to me. But how can I do that when everything is such a mess? Why would I do that? I’ve had enough rejection to last a lifetime.
Right after the best orgasm I’ve ever had, we slept in different rooms. And yes, I said we ought to but I was only beating Tanner to it. He was about to let me down gently with a line he’s probably used a hundred times before. His own take on “it’s not you, it’s me”.
I couldn’t bear to hear it. Not from him.
“See you soon, then?” he asks as I take a step back out of his hold and nod.
I raise a hand as I walk to the house, feeling like the weight of the world is crushing my chest.
“Annie!”
I turn to face him.
“I like you.”
I scoff. “I like you, too, Tanner.”
“No. I like you, Annie. I know that isn’t much of a commitment, and that I have the worst timing in telling you.
I know all the reasons we can’t do this or shouldn’t get into something.
I understand everything is fucking complicated and so far from orthodox, but…
” He holds his hands out from his sides.
“I like you, Annie Quinn. I’m not sorry about last night, even if it’s fucked up today.
I’m not asking you for anything, I just need you to know that if there’s part of you that likes me back, then—”
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
I shrug. “Then what, Tanner? You heard how many caveats you gave your feelings, right? How would you see mutual like playing out between us?”
“I don’t know.”
I try to smile but I know it only tugs on one side of my lips. I’ve wanted him to want me, now he’s saying maybe he does, but—
My phone chimes, startling me. I glance to it and see Auston’s name on the screen.
Auston
Because I want to be in Texas. Close to you and Nelson.
There on my screen is another thing I’ve wanted for so long. Be careful what you wish for. I leave the phone in my bag and look back to the man in front of me. Sweet, kind, protective, funny. Mr. Right at the wrong time.
“Have a good rest of your day, Tanner Pace.”
His chest visibly rises and falls with his next breath. “You, too, Annie.”
I head into the house and watch him drive away, then go in search of my baby boy. The love of my life, who I need to put first in all this mess.