Chapter 44
ANNIE – LATE NOVEMBER
Proud of You, Darlin’
“I’m pleased you decided to come, Auston.”
He’s resting on hunkers, to not get his pants dirty on the lawn. He’s forgotten what appropriate attire looks like on the ranch but I suppose that’s understandable, given how long it’s been.
He nods but glances up to the porch, where my daddy is sitting, completely inhospitable, next to Tanner in the rocking chairs. It’s clear what Daddy’s thinking but the man next to him, who’s hiding behind shades, I’d like to know where his head is at.
I’m grateful that he welcomed Auston to the party, the only one to do so, even if there’s no love lost between them.
What nobody else seems to appreciate is that this is about Nelson.
No one else is putting their minds to how my son will feel when he’s old enough to understand his biological father abandoned him.
“You’re the only one,” Auston says.
“Nelson, too,” I say, smiling, even though Nelson is being completely dismissive of the extravagant ride-on car Auston has brought him, preferring to scrunch pieces of wrap.
“So, you, ah, flew in this morning?” I ask, for want of anything else to say.
“Yeah.”
“To San Antonio?”
“Yeah.”
“Then where’ve you been?” I don’t mean to sound shitty but I’ll admit it comes out that way. Auston’s eyes fix on me from behind his swanky shades. “You missed lunch and the cake.”
“Annie, I’m here, aren’t I?”
“Yes, sorry.”
Nelson stands and starts wobble-walking away from us and his new car.
“Weren’t certain you’d come?” I probe gently.
A dimple forms on one of his cheeks. “Truthfully, no.”
I smile. “It’s okay to admit it, Auston. This is all new and I appreciate it can’t have been easy walking into this bunch of folks.”
“I’m definitely not top of their Christmas card lists, am I?”
I chuckle. “’Fraid not.”
He nods. “Hey, Nelson, why don’t you come try out your car?”
Nelson ignores him, fascinated by something in the grass – a stone, a bug, a wildflower, who knows?
He’s being a kid but Auston’s expression tells me he doesn’t get it, so I coax him. “Nelson, check it out, the horn beeps.” I beep the horn of the car, grabbing his interest for a second before he gets back to whatever is in the grass.
Auston heads over to him and picks him up under the arms, bringing him back to the car. I bite my tongue because Nelson is an independent and obstinate little boy.
Auston isn’t hurting him but when he tries to sit Nelson into the car, Nelson starts the mother of all meltdowns. The kind of reaction I rarely see on him and one that makes me wonder whether he understands more about this situation than I’m giving him credit for.
“It’s okay, buddy, it’ll be fun.” Auston is still trying to sit him into the car. Nelson’s legs are flailing and I’m going to have to wade in.
Before I do, though, another voice steps up. “Let him be, Rogers. He doesn’t want to do it.”
Oh boy.
“Tanner, it’s okay, I’m handling it,” I tell him as he reaches out and takes Nelson from Auston’s hands. There’s no tussle; Auston seems relieved, initially, to not have a screaming kid in his hold with everyone staring at him.
“I’ve got you, Nellie Bellie,” Tanner says, bouncing Nelson in his arms the way he always does – playfully, effortlessly – and Nelson’s tantrum turns into giggles.
I see the shift in Auston as he watches another man father his child and do a damn good job of it, too. He’s volatile, like most ball players can be, but he grinds his back teeth and holds it together.
Nelson slaps his hands down on Tanner’s face as he laughs, then he says, “Da-da.”
And my stomach falls to the core of the earth.
It’s like watching a kineograph being flipped as Auston’s expression moves between shock, hurt and anger. “Da-da?” He glares at me. “My kid is calling this guy Da-da, Annie?”
As if she’s been watching this whole scene play out, Betty swoops in and leaves with Nelson, as Auston squares up to Tanner.
“You moving in on my family, Pace?”
“Come on, Rogers, turning up late to one party doesn’t give you a right to call yourself a father.”
I watch Auston’s nostrils flare, then he shoves Tanner in the chest. Tanner’s bigger and stronger; he rocks back two steps but holds his ground.
“After all the shit you’ve put those two through, you don’t even deserve a fucking invitation.”
“You need to shut your mouth before I do it for you, Pace. This is none of your business.”
“The hell it isn’t. I care about them. I’ve been here.”
“Yeah, well now I’m here and you can back the hell off.”
“Stop it!” I yell, getting between them. “Both of you. Cool it. This is Nelson’s birthday party!”
“Hey, hey, what the hell’s going on?” Colton comes rushing from the corral, immediately going to Tanner’s side, both fronting up to Auston.
“Y’all need to stop it. Just stop it!” As mortifying as it is, my voice breaks and like a dam has broken, tears fall from my eyes. “I. Want. It. All. To. Stop. Please.”
Two arms come around me, tugging me into their owner’s chest, and the scent of her perfume tells me Sas has got me.
“Go!” she says. “All of you. Give her some space.”
“I’m sorry,” I hear Tanner say, but I stay tucked into the hug I so desperately need.
“I can’t take it anymore, Sas. I don’t want to be broken anymore. I don’t want them to fight and I don’t want to feel guilt and conflict every single day.”
“I know, Annie. I know. Shhhh. I’ve got you.”
In the distance, I hear the start of an engine I’ve heard enough times in recent months to recognize its distinction. Tanner.
In an unlikely twist, Auston sticks around while the party breaks up, hanging by the pool, away from everyone else.
I’m calmer now, clearer on what I want to say to Auston, though still angry about the day and when I let myself, I’ll be sad that Tanner is the one who left.
That I pushed him to be a version of himself that I haven’t seen. One I didn’t much care for.
I carry Nelson to the pool to say goodbye to Auston, then we walk back to the house, where I deposit him with Sas.
Auston has been here for maybe an hour and in that time, has wreaked havoc at our home. Though not helped by Tanner.
We stop by his rental car. “That didn’t go to plan, did it?” he asks.
I sigh. “Auston, you can’t keep doing this. You can’t be in, then out, on the fence. It’s too confusing, for me, and Nelson, and everyone I care about.”
“Like Tanner Pace?”
I stare at him. “Yes. Like Tanner. Even though I don’t like how anyone behaved today, you had no right to say the things you did to him. He’s been here for me, and for Nelson. He cares about us and I… I care about him, too.”
He says nothing but literally bites his tongue. Auston doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want anyone else to have what used to be at his beck and call.
He’s quiet for a while and I don’t know if my shitty mood is making me less tolerant than usual or if I’ve really had it with Auston and how darn needy he is, but I shake my head, staring at the sky and asking my mama to give me strength.
“If you want to be in Nelson’s life, great. I’d like that for his sake but we’re not your get-away-from-your-past free card. You don’t need to break up with your girlfriend for us. You don’t need to move to San Antonio to play co-parenting families, unless you truly want to.”
He takes off his shades and for once, his expression seems genuinely sincere.
“I thought you were my first love, Auston, and maybe you were in that teenage first love way. But I’ve discovered since you, and in part thanks to you, what real love feels like.
It’s overwhelming and terrifying and exhilarating and truly unconditional.
So, I’m not mad at you anymore. I’m not sad that we never worked or that you had no intention of that ever happening. ”
“Annie—”
“Stop. I’m grateful. Without your reference point, I might not have learned how special real love is.
So long as you put Nelson first and you don’t mess him around or hurt him, I’m happy for you to be in his life.
You are better than your own daddy, I believe that and you ought to, too.
But if you cross my son, or you continue putting your own needs ahead of his, I will only ever consider his best interests, not yours. Never again. Understood?”
He’s silent for a drawn-out moment and when he speaks, it’s to his feet. “Annie, I’m sorry. I didn’t respect you and I’ve fucked up beyond all recognition when it comes to Nelson. I know it and I’m going to find a way to be better. I promise.”
I inhale. “Good. So we’ll see you again sometime?”
“Yeah. If that’s alright with you, I’ll come to see Nelson.”
“And the Bears?”
“Maybe you’re right and I should get to know my son before landing on his doorstep.”
As he drives away, I’m not convinced we’ll see Auston soon. He might send gifts a couple times a year. One day, I’ll have to explain to Nelson that it isn’t his fault and he has so many people in his life who genuinely love him that he doesn’t need his father.
I’ll also tell him that I’ll never regret Auston because he gave me Nelson, even while I know now there’s nothing left between the two of us. Auston is no longer on the pedestal I put him on. He isn’t the man I used to think he was.
He was simply a boy, who knocked up a girl.
And I’m fine with that.
When I go to the house, Daddy is outside in his rocking chair. He gives me one stern nod, then holds out an open beer to me.
“I’m proud of you, darlin’.”
I take the bottle and sit into the chair next to his, looking out over the ranch the way he and Mama used to do. “Me, too, Daddy. Me, too.”