Chapter 6
CHAPTER
‘Missing your birds at the zoo?’ Beau D’Arcy, Matt’s best friend, walks gingerly across a log and jumps to the ground before crouching in front of a bed of reeds. A flock of red-rumped parrots, screeching and squawking, fly above the orange sun.
‘They’ll be well cared for, but yes, I miss them.’ Four weeks have passed since I cried in the stable at Roxburgh Estate and yesterday was my last day of work at the zoo.
‘Thanks for bringing me out here.’
Beau, a landscape designer, has been commissioned to remodel a golf course and wants to incorporate a wetland environment.
I offered to bring him to the Macquarie Marshes, five hours from home, to show him not only different kinds of wetlands, but the native plants and animal species that thrive in them.
‘You’ll get birds at your golf course. Also, frogs, lizards and small native animals.’ When two spotted sparrowhawks with blue-grey wings and orange-barred bellies fly over the reeds, I take out my camera and capture them in flight.
‘What’s next?’
I lower the camera. ‘Do you have time to walk to the river?’
‘Juliette is staying with her parents tonight.’
‘Is she still working all hours?’ I’ve only known Juliette, Beau’s wife, for a couple of years, but just like me and Beau, we’re close.
‘She’s the only lawyer in Ballimore and she loves her work.’
‘How long till the baby comes?’
‘Five months.’ His voice roughens. ‘It’s awesome.’
‘I’ll be back just in time for the birth.’
‘First you have to get there.’ Beau takes off his Akubra and pushes back his hair. ‘What’s your itinerary?’
‘A flight to Melbourne, another one to Hobart. Then the ship.’ My gumboots squelch in the ankle-deep water. ‘Once I’m there, I’ll be fine.’
‘It’s a great opportunity and you’ll do a brilliant job.’
‘I called Mandy Flanagan for help, but she was going away so she referred me to another psychologist. It’ll take time to sort me out because I’ve avoided what I’ve been afraid of, but I’m working on it.’
‘You’ve always been courageous, Flick, never doubt that.’ A sympathetic smile as Beau bumps me with a shoulder. ‘Considering how you lost Matt, I reckon you’ve done great.’
Beau’s mother was only sixteen when he was born, and Mum was twenty when she had Matt.
They’d trained as hairdressers together and stayed in touch afterwards, which meant Matt and Beau were friends before they attended the same high school.
Beau’s dyslexia was so severe that he couldn’t read. He still can’t. Matt helped him out.
‘You loved Matt too.’
Beau’s eyes glisten and he pulls down his hat. ‘Like a brother.’
‘That makes me a sister.’
‘I let you down.’
Beau didn’t know how out of line I’d got at fifteen and sixteen until it was too late to save me, but he supported me as best he could when I was locked up. Later, he did what he could to keep me away from the men who claimed they were Matt’s friends.
A pair of wedge-tailed eagles with diamond-shaped tails fly low over the reeds, swamps and scraggly trees before soaring high above the red river gums.
‘As the golf course will be built on low-lying land that’s subject to flooding, this type of biodiversity is perfect. Your international golfers will appreciate the wildlife a lake and marshes will bring.’
‘You’re saying I should have more reed beds?’
‘The golfers will love them.’
‘They’ll lose their balls. Also, they have a habit of wanting eighteen holes.’
We slosh through thigh-high grasses towards the river and I point out other birds—heron, egret and ibis.
‘You’ll miss this in Antarctica.’
‘I have to get there first.’ Even under the brim of my hat, the sun is blinding. I pull up my collar to protect my neck. ‘Part of my therapy is talking to people I trust.’
‘I’m all ears.’
‘There are five of us meeting in Melbourne. Me, a botanist, a physiotherapist, a chef and Sebastien Thorsen, who heads up the UN project into environmental threats. All of us, except Thorsen, will do our training at the hotel. We’ll learn about things like biosecurity, communications, and occupational health and safety. We also need to pass a medical.’
‘Why doesn’t Thorsen do the training?’
‘He’s been to Morrison and mainland Antarctica already this year.’ I follow a tree root around a particularly soggy patch. ‘My new psychologist Rani is sympathetic, but she can’t keep the disappointment from her face when I suck at exposure therapy.’
‘Maybe you’re rushing things.’
‘That’s what Rani says, but I look at still photographs. I also listen to engines.’
‘How many days on the ship?’
‘Six.’ I shove my hands in my pockets. ‘Five nights.’
He grimaces. ‘Shit.’
‘That’s not encouraging.’
‘I’ve seen you in action.’
When tears threaten, I walk on blindly.
Beau runs to catch up, takes my arm and pulls me back. ‘Hey! It’s me. Best man at your wedding.’
‘If I had a groom, which I don’t, wouldn’t he choose the best man?’
‘Bridesmaid. Barman. Bouncer. Whatever you want.’
I press the heels of my hands against my eyes. ‘Thank you.’
‘You were forced to grow up way too fast. You have a right to be happy, Flick. I wish you could see that.’
A brolga steps over a log, looks left and right, then continues on his path. ‘Anyone would think I was in the cockpit with Matt when it happened.’
‘You got zero support afterwards.’
‘My fears make me weak.’
‘You’re good on buses and trains.’
‘With a plane and ship, there’s noise, vibrations and confinement. Also windows that can’t be opened. All those things are triggering. Give me a bird’s eye view of the sky or an expanse of blue ocean, and my life turns to shit.’
‘Finish your exposure therapy, things will improve.’
‘The flights are short. On the ship …’ My voice wobbles. ‘I’ll manage.’
‘Too cold to sleep on the deck? You could spot icebergs. That would’ve been useful on the Titanic.’ He drops the smile. ‘You have great skills, Flick. That’s why they want you.’
‘I’ll do my best when I’m over there.’
‘Course you will, which is why they’ll take measures to support you getting there.’
‘Rani offered to write a report detailing my fears and asking the UN to accommodate them when possible.’
‘That sounds positive.’
‘Given I haven’t told them I might need support, I said no to the report.’
‘What? Why haven’t you told them?’
‘I could have admitted I might have a problem with getting there if I’d accepted the role straight away. But by the time I worked out I wanted the position, Sebastien Thorsen wasn’t as sure about me as he had been. I don’t think I would’ve got the job.’
‘Flick …’
‘Working over there with Professor Johnson is a great opportunity and I need the money.’ My words run together. ‘Matilda is settled and safe at school and my mother is relatively stable.’
‘Mum told me Rochelle is going to New Zealand for a holiday.’
‘My mother would dispute it’s a holiday—it’s a wellness retreat on a cruise ship.’
‘And you’ll be bankrolling it.’
We scramble down the riverbank. ‘Can we get back on point? Morrison Island. I’m going.’
‘Have you considered alternative ways to get there? How about a bus to Melbourne and a ferry to Tasmania?’
‘As flights have been booked, pulling out would raise questions, particularly as all the expeditioners are on the same flight from Melbourne to Hobart. After we’ve got through the training, we’re fellow expeditioners, like a team.’
Beau walks behind me as we tramp through the undergrowth. ‘Has the psychologist given you a time frame?’
‘I’m making progress.’
‘A time frame, Flick. Answer my question.’
‘She said it could take months, maybe a year.’ I hold back a branch, aim for a confident smile. ‘If I work on my breathing exercises, I’ll improve.’
‘When do you fly to Melbourne?’
‘I’ve known I was going for weeks and weeks. I’ve had time to prepare. I catch a bus to Central Station in Sydney, then a train to the airport.’
‘When, Flick?’
No matter how hard I swallow, the lump won’t go away. ‘Next Friday.’