Chapter 20
CHAPTER
Clarissa, a geologist as well as the station leader, is tall with dark brown hair piled high on her head.
When she welcomed us at the mess, she spoke passionately about the Morrison environment, scientific inquiry, and the importance of all roles on the island, from plumber to biologist to chef to mechanic. I liked her.
But can I trust her?
She and Sebastien are standing outside the administration building as I march up the path towards them. Eyes on Clarissa, I bypass Sebastien.
‘Can I speak with you, please?’
She glances uncertainly at Sebastien. ‘Of course.’
‘It’s about my tenure on Morrison Island.’ My tone is brisk. ‘I’ll be here until mid-January.’
Raised eyebrows. ‘Word travels quickly in a small community.’
‘I wanted to find out, firsthand, why you thought I might leave early.’
‘As station leader, I had a duty to address Captain Simpson’s concerns. To be fair to you, I wanted verification from someone else on board the ship.’
When she turns to Sebastien, so do I.
‘What did you tell Clarissa?’
He crosses his arms. ‘You needed help.’
‘Why not come to me first?’ I ask Clarissa.
When Clarissa’s satellite phone rings, she ignores it. But then it rings again. She smiles an apology.
‘As Seb is leaving shortly,’ she says as she turns away, ‘perhaps you can speak with him first. I’ll be available later today.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Notwithstanding the rain and wind, Sebastien speaks quietly.
‘You have to get back to the ship.’ I talk through the pain in my chest. ‘We can walk that way.’
Sebastien has little choice but to shadow me down the path. ‘How much do you know?’
‘Clarissa gave Robin the impression I’d leave early.’
‘Captain Simpson told Clarissa you had claustrophobia. I corrected him.’
Blinking hard, I focus on the path. One step. Two steps. Three. Do not cry. ‘In what way?’
‘Your fears are more specific.’
I pull up short, spin around. ‘I’m capable of speaking for myself!’
‘Lisse, I—’
‘Don’t call me that!’
‘I didn’t make the report.’ He speaks between his teeth.
‘When Captain Simpson took me to the bridge, I thought he was being kind. He wasn’t, was he? He was giving me rope to hang myself.’ A fur seal on the beach grunts and rolls onto his side. ‘Now I’m off his ship, what’s his problem?’
‘You’re also afraid of flying.’
I didn’t think my heart could be heavier. ‘He heard that from you?’
‘He asked how long I’d known about the panic attacks, the migraines. I told him.’
‘Even if our ship had had a helicopter, Gregory said the wind would have been too strong to use it.’
‘Have you flown in a helicopter?’
‘If it was important to go on one, I would. And what’s the worst that could happen? I pass out.’ I click my fingers. ‘Problem solved.’
‘What if you were injured?’
‘If I didn’t pass out, they could knock me out.’
‘Clarissa is giving you a two-week trial. She and Dougie will decide after that.’
‘Why Dougie?’
‘Human resources.’
‘If I don’t pass, I’m back on the ship to Hobart?’
‘Yes.’
‘Leave all this behind when I’ve just got here? No!’
‘Satisfy Clarissa and Dougie that you’re not a risk to yourself or those you’re working with, and you get to stay.’
Rain bounces off the path and makes puddles. A fur seal lifts his head, but Sebastien’s gaze goes beyond him, out to sea. His hands are bare. They must be cold. The little finger he hurt, the one I taped for him six weeks ago, is straight.
‘Am I more of a risk than Kingsley if he broke a leg or Robin, who isn’t as fit as the rest of us, caught a cold?’ I see him through a blur. ‘It’s done already, isn’t it? It’s decided.’
‘Yes.’
‘How specific were you when you corrected Captain Simpson?’
Even through the rain, I see the tick in his jaw. ‘I have responsibilities, Lisse. Professional and personal.’
‘Not personal.’
We’re only fifty metres from the boats that will take Sebastien and the others back to the ship.
The captain and the members of crew that came on shore stand on the beach in a loose semicircle.
A black-browed albatross soars over the whitecaps.
Is he returning from a fishing trip or just starting out?
‘You’d better go.’
‘I had a duty to report what I knew.’
‘Planes and ships, maybe, but what else did you tell them? Did you let them know I’d been incarcerated?’
‘No!’
‘Did you tell them about my brother? What I saw? How I processed that? How about my demons? Did you tell them about the pitchforks?’
‘Lisse!’
‘Tell me!’
His hands clench into fists and release. ‘I told them you’d witnessed your brother’s death.’
‘They didn’t need to know that!’
‘It gave them context.’
‘And how did they react to that? What did they say after you’d told them?’
He hesitates. ‘They asked about triggers.’
‘Besides plane and ship cabins, I don’t have triggers.’
‘You told me you used to have them.’
‘When I was a teenager!’
He tips back his head. ‘Yes.’
‘You said I have to satisfy Clarissa I’m not a risk to others.
She looked at worst case scenarios, didn’t she?
If there’s a fire in the kitchen, how will I react?
If a colleague is hurt or the lights go out, how will I respond?
Will I freeze? Will I run? Will I throw up or pass out or put others in danger? I’m right, aren’t I?’
He rubs around the back of his neck. ‘Yes.’
‘I’m being put on a trial not only because of what I am afraid of, but what others imagine I might be afraid of. Not that they’d have known any of that if you hadn’t told them!’
‘You didn’t tell me about flying or warn me about the ship.’ The wind blows his words around. ‘There could have been other fears.’
‘There aren’t! And even if there were, who’s to say how Angelina or Kingsley or Jerry or the others might react to things you don’t know about!’
Lying in his arms. Confiding in him. It was dangerous to get close, to kiss him, to care about him, because today, next month, next year, he was bound to screw me over. Maybe what has happened is a good thing, another reason to push him out of my life.
I bite the inside of my lip to feel another kind of pain.
‘Clarissa shared my concerns,’ he says quietly. ‘I gave facts.’
‘As you like facts so much, I’ll give you more.’ I push hair from my face, lift my chin. ‘I’m happy you’re leaving. I’m happy I don’t have to see you or speak with you.’
‘Lisse!’
‘When you get back, if you have to address me, call me Flick like everybody else.’
‘Don’t do this.’
‘I want nothing to do with you.’
‘I supported your appointment. In Hobart, on the ship, I looked after you. I spent five nights in your bed without …’ The pulse in his jaw beats double time.
‘You can’t risk taking on someone who’s “vulnerable”.’
‘That isn’t how I think of you.’ His eyes are dark like storm clouds.
I’m attracted to him. Even worse, I was beginning to like him. Maybe even more than like. He’s honest. Upfront. Sometimes he gets hurt.
‘I look after myself and those I’m responsible for.’ My fists are bunched tightly. ‘I can’t do more.’
‘Explain that.’
‘You think I need saving but I don’t.’ My words trip over each other.
‘That’s not—’
‘What happened between us in the cabin, what you didn’t want to happen, it skewed your ethical compass, didn’t it?’ I swallow and swallow again. ‘Not too much, though, given you shafted me as soon as we got here.’
‘Shafted. What do you mean?’
‘Betrayed me. Let me down. You didn’t respect me enough to let me speak for myself, and then you undermined me. I thought I could trust you and I couldn’t.’ My eyes spill over. ‘I don’t need that. I don’t need you.’
‘Seb!’ Gregory is waving from the beach. ‘Let’s go!’
My gloves should protect me, but when Sebastien takes my hand and our palms press together, my legs weaken. How long passes? One second? Two? A day or a month or a year?
I pull free and stumble. But then I find my feet and walk away.