Chapter 41
CHAPTER
Angelina, Nate and I are sitting at one end of a table in the mess.
Jerry, wearing a lopsided paper crown, surveys the room and lifts his thumb when our eyes meet.
We were all keen to help over Christmas, so I drew up a roster of volunteer Christmas elves.
Yesterday, Christmas Eve, I rolled out a metre of pastry and cut it into shapes, Nate washed dishes and Angelina decorated the tables.
Robin hid red frogs in an enormous bowl of trifle and hung tinsel from the boards that cover the broken windows.
Christmas music hums over the speakers as Angelina, wearing a tiara of miniature coloured baubles, laughingly pokes Nate in the chest.
‘You’re only on Morrison because Seb forced you to come.’
Nate grins. ‘And as it transpired, Flick could look after herself.’
I scrape the last of a fruit mince pie from my plate. ‘What will happen to Dougie? I feel sorry for his mother.’
‘He’s not getting out of jail any time soon,’ Nate says. ‘As for Seb, he’s hoping to be out of hospital next week. After that, he’ll have rehab.’
‘Hendrik Thorsen might still be here when we have our engagement party,’ Angelina says. ‘I’ll add him to the invitation list.’
After a wide-eyed look from Angelina and, I suspect, a kick under the table, Nate turns to me.
‘I heard you might not make it to the party, Flick. Anything we can do to change your mind about that?’
‘Matilda will be starting a new term the following week, so I have that and other things to sort out.’
‘Tilly would be welcome to come too,’ Angelina says. ‘I’ll put you both up in a hotel.’
‘Thank you, but—’ I force a smile, ‘—I can’t commit.’
Her smile is sympathetic. ‘As long as you’ll be there for our wedding. That’s the main event.’
‘I wouldn’t miss that for anything.’
‘You’ve had meetings with the counsellor, right?’ Nate says.
‘I’m doing fine. So are Jerry and Kingsley—even though they had front-row seats.’
Nate grimaces. ‘We’re real sorry about how it turned out.’
‘The way Sebastien talked, what he did …’ My nails dig into my palms. ‘Was he trained to be like that?’
Nate whistles a breath. ‘You can’t learn the skills he has.’
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Angelina puts a hand on my arm. ‘You’re pale.’
‘Sebastien told me he was different now, but he can’t be, can he?’ My eyes are on Nate. ‘Not really.’
‘A tiger has stripes,’ Nate says gently. ‘You’re never gonna change that.’
I stay after hours in the office or the mess, so I don’t hear the phone in my room. When Sebastien calls so late or early that I have no excuse, when the worry over his health trumps the pain of knowing this can’t go on, I pick up.
‘Godt Nytt ?r.’
‘Pardon?’
‘Happy New Year.’
‘It’s only New Year’s Eve.’ I sit on the floor next to the bed. ‘How do you celebrate in Norway?’
‘Dinner with family and friends. Kit, Fin and I used to light fireworks.’
‘Is that allowed?’
‘We were careful.’
‘Is your father still in Hobart? And Kit?’
‘Kit is with Mackenzie and her grandfather in Summerfield. Fa is here.’
‘In your room?’
‘I’m out of hospital, Lisse.’ There’s relief in his voice. ‘It’s just us.’
I bend my knees, bring them close to my chest. ‘I have to tell you something. I can’t put it off any longer.’
Silence. Then, ‘What?’
‘When I get home, I’ll see my mother, go to the Macquarie Marshes and spend time with Matilda. I want to find a long-term rental within an hour or two of both her school and the zoo. I also need a job. I have to settle down again.’
‘I need to see you, Lisse. I’ll come to you.’
I’m holding the phone so tightly that my arm aches. ‘I can’t keep doing this, Sebastien, pretending everything is okay between us when it can’t be.’
A hesitation. ‘Explain what you mean.’
‘What happened with Dougie confirmed a lot of things I didn’t want to face. We have different backgrounds and live in different countries. We also lead different lives. On the phone, the differences are less obvious, but in the real world they won’t be.’
‘I wish you hadn’t been there,’ he says quietly. ‘Is that why you gave back the ring?’
‘I don’t know what I was feeling that night. I was afraid for you but …’ My voice wobbles. ‘How you behaved, protecting the others, putting yourself in danger—none of that surprised me. It confirmed what I already knew.’
‘If I’d known Nate was injured, I would have tackled Dougie earlier.’
‘And broken his arm?’
‘Both arms.’
I press my forehead against my knees. ‘You and me. It can’t work.’
An even longer silence. ‘You’ve been avoiding my calls.’
‘I answered when you were unwell.’
‘You thought I was dying.’
I lift my head, swipe at my eyes. ‘You could have.’
‘I didn’t.’
‘That’s a technicality!’
‘Are you saying you don’t want to see me?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do I stop calling?’ I sense the tightness of his jaw, the pulse that’ll beat there.
I’m in love with you.
I wouldn’t know how to lose you.
‘Yes.’