Chapter 27
I haven’t seen Stevie since the night we went to Gatlinburg.
She had already left when I got up to get ready for my shift, and every morning when I get home, she’s gone.
There’s nothing on the calendar for her, so I assume she’s working at the Airstream, but the last few days at work have been so exhausting that I haven’t felt like driving out there to check.
The cabin feels lonely without her.
My phone pings with an incoming email as I lower myself onto the couch after finishing the last of my “dinner.” It’s from Amy with a list of contracts that start shortly after mine ends here.
Most travel nurses take breaks in between contracts, and I do sometimes, too, although they're never long. Amy knows I prefer to move on quickly.
There’s a contract in Florida, and I briefly consider heading back there for the winter so I can enjoy the warm weather, but it doesn’t appeal to me for very long.
There’s one in Chicago I don’t even read.
Another in Oregon that I write off because it doesn’t start until the middle of January.
I skim the list, and my eyes snag on a contract in Billings, Montana.
Thirteen weeks, and only two hours away from home.
It starts at the end of December, which would be one of the longest breaks I’ve taken since I started travel nursing.
Before coming here, I never would have considered it, but things have changed since I stepped foot in this little town in the mountains. I’ve changed.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I reply to Amy’s email asking for more information on the Billings placement. As soon as the whoosh of the email sending sounds, my phone vibrates with an incoming call.
Evan’s contact photo fills the screen.
I swipe open the video call. He answers wearing a thick wool sweater and has a beanie on his head. In the window behind him, I can see snow falling gently.
“Hey, ass wipe,” he says.
A laugh rumbles out of me.
“Daddy said a bad word!” Clara screams in the background, and Evan swivels toward her, finger pressed to his lips.
“Shhh,” he hisses at his daughter. “Your mom will kill me.”
I can see her standing in the corner of his screen, hands on her little hips. She got Kate’s sass, and suddenly I feel sad that I only ever get to witness it on a phone screen.
“You know the deal,” she says.
Evan rolls his eyes, and the image on the screen shakes as he moves into the pantry. He reaches for a box of Girl Scout cookies—Thin Mints, which I know are his favorite—and pulls out two. When he turns around, Clara is standing at the door, hand outstretched.
He passes her the two cookies, and says, “You’re a menace.”
Her grin is wide and mischievous. “Thanks, Daddy.”
I watch as she runs off, throwing herself into a beanbag chair in the living room, and then Evan flips the camera around so it’s back on his face. He looks so defeated that I can’t help laughing again.
“I’ve raised a monster.”
I shrug. “Seems like a princess to me.”
“Same thing. Now, what did you want?”
“You called me.”
“Right,” he says, sinking onto his sofa. “Have you decided about Thanksgiving yet?”
He invites me to every holiday, and I usually have an ironclad excuse—work.
But this year, my contact will be ending a few days before Thanksgiving, and I don’t have something lined up next.
I consider telling him about Billings, but I know he will pounce.
The thought of going back to Montana still feels too fresh, and I’m not sure if I’ll actually do it. I want to make the decision on my own.
I run a palm over the back of my neck. “Uh, I’m not sure yet. My contract here ends the weekend before Thanksgiving, but I haven’t signed another yet. I don’t know where I’m headed, or when.”
He nods, but I don’t miss the look of resignation on his face. For all my twin’s playful ribbing, he’s never given up on me. He’s always let me know I have a soft place to land with him should I ever want it. I never thought I would.
“Well, we’re having dinner here,” he says. “Kate’s parents are going to be visiting her sister in Vermont, so it’s just us this year. If you’re not working, we’d love to see you.”
“Please come, Uncle Jack!” Clara yells, diving into the frame, chocolate coating her lips.
She snuggles into her dad’s side, and I watch as my brother’s face melts, his hand sliding down her hair.
She looks like us at that age, her hair closer to blonde than brown, although I suspect it will darken as she gets older.
Her eyes are the same clear, vivid blue.
I’ve only seen her in person a handful of times.
Once, when I was working in Washington and Kate and Evan met me in the middle so I could meet her.
She was already nine months old then, and when her chubby fingers wrapped around mine, a lump formed in my throat so thick I couldn’t swallow around it.
Another time, they took her to Disneyland when I was working in Southern California.
I went with them and got to watch her face light up when she met all her favorite characters.
There’s been a few other times, little moments snatched here and there, but not nearly enough.
Not for the first time, I’m wondering how much I’m missing by my inability to face my past.
“I’d like to, Clara,” I say. “I’ll see if it works out with my schedule, okay?”
She nods and climbs out of Evan’s lap. My brother looks at me. I can tell he’s disappointed in me, though he won’t voice it.
“How’re things there?” he asks, and I’m thankful for the change of subject.
“Good,” I tell him. “I like it here. The town is cool. People are nice.”
“You still liking the roommate?”
My eyes drift to Stevie’s door at the end of the hall.
It’s open, but I can’t see inside from where I’m sitting.
I know what it would look like though. Her bed made, her shoes lining the floor in a neat line in her closet.
It smells like the perfume she wears, something earthy and a little masculine, a barely there scent I only catch when we’re standing close together.
“Yeah, Stevie’s great.” My voice comes out rougher than intended, and when I look back at the screen, Evan is watching me with raised brows.
A smirk slowly pulls at the edges of his lips. “Hmm.”
The knowing sound plucks at the strings of my annoyance. “What?”
“Clara, your uncle has a crush,” he sing-songs.
“No, I don’t.”
Crush has started to feel like an understatement. Stevie is a temptation I can’t shake. My first thought in the morning and my last before I drift off to sleep.
“You do,” he says. “How long has this been going on?”
I roll my eyes. “Nothing is going on.”
“At least tell me if it’s serious.”
A sigh lifts my chest. “Nothing is happening with Stevie, Evan.” My voice comes out harsher than intended.
The smile falls from Evan’s face. “Why not?” I think I can see a muscle flicker in his jaw, and I know he’s already guessed the answer.
“Because I’m leaving.”
He nods like I’ve confirmed his hypothesis. “Right.”
I push my shoulders back into the cushions of the couch. “What?”
My brother shakes his head and runs a hand over his hair buzzed close to his scalp. “Nothing.”
“You’re thinking something.”
He lets out a sigh. “Just wondering if you’ll ever stop running.”
I blink. “I’m not running.”
The words come out on instinct, but they sound false, even to my own ears. We both know I’m lying. We both know I’ve been running for far too long.
The smile he gives me is soft, a little sad. Most of my exchanges with my brother are teasing, lovingly insulting, sarcastic. I never know how to take it when he’s serious. It reminds me of times I’d rather not remember.
“Let me know if you’re able to make it to Thanksgiving. We’ve always got a place for you.”
My throat tightens. I’ve hardly been to my brother’s house, the one he inherited from Mom, the one she didn’t get to live in nearly long enough. But I know he means what he said, that if I ever show up on his doorstep, there will be a bed for me to crash in and a seat at his table.
I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve his steadfastness, his patience with me. I shouldn’t have stayed away for so long. I should have gone home, been there for him the way he’s always been there for me.
Just the thought of it feels like a fist squeezing around my larynx.
“I will,” I say, but I can tell he thinks this holiday will be like all the rest. I wish I could promise him otherwise, but I’m not there yet.
He and Clara tell me bye, her blowing kisses at the phone, him smiling fondly at her, and hang up, leaving me alone once more. It doesn’t feel like it used to.
I reach for the remote and turn on the TV, needing to fill the silence.
A grainy comedy plays on the screen, a joke followed by the laugh track.
It’s an episode I’ve seen more times than I can count, but for the first time, it doesn’t immediately make me think of the times when I’d climb in bed with my mom, but the nights Stevie and I spent here, on this couch, sharing a bowl of popcorn, our fingers greasy from the butter.
It only makes the loneliness intensify, and so I flip it off, pushing up from the couch. I’m going to find Stevie.