4. Ready to roll
Fred woke the next day with a strange tickling feeling all over his face and neck. When he reached a hand up to his face, he found thick, curly hair sprouting from his chin, and cascading down his chest.
He leapt out of bed and stumbled over to the mirror. He had grown a magnificent beard overnight!
He threw on the nearest clothes and hurried down to the bar.
“Good morning!” Bob greeted him. “Nice beer beard! It suits you!”
“Beer beard? Beer beard? You knew this would happen and no one warned me?”
“You never really ‘know’ until it happens. A bit like the way whiskey shrunk me. By the time I realised, it was a bit late. But, now we know. At least you can shave off a beard. I haven’t found anything that can return me to my normal height!”
Bouncing footsteps descended the stairs to the bar, and Shandy appeared at the bottom, wearing a tight, button-up blouse that only just seemed able to contain her perfectly-rounded breasts, and a short, black, skintight skirt.
“Wow! Fred! That beard is amazing! You’d put ZZ Top to shame!”
Shandy pulled out her phone and beckoned Fred over to sit with her at one of the tables. He was soon mesmerised by moving pictures of a couple of guys with long beards and cool guitars, singing about love while surrounded by seductive girls in tiny skirts.
“What’s that big pink thing?” Fred asked.
“That’s a car! Now Bob’s back you can go outside and see some for real, right Bob?”
“Yup! Time for you to get used to your new world,” Bob said. “I took that gold of yours and turned it into money. Let me show you. Where’s your phone?”
Fred pulled the device from his pocket, left from the night before, and Bob took it from him.
“You need to learn about charging! You’re nearly out of battery. But I can show you your money at least.”
He pressed a few buttons and then showed Fred the screen: ￡100,000.
“You can spend some of that on sorting your beard out, but most of it you’re going to multiply tonight, when Shandy takes you to the casino.”
“Casino?”
“I’ll explain later. Shandy? Could you take Fred to the barber’s? We want him looking like he can afford to lose all the money he’s going to make tonight.”
Stepping out of the door of the Rock Tavern for the first time, Fred almost stepped straight back in! The people, the noise and the bright, autumn morning hit him like a club to the face.
Shandy looked smaller out here. She looked up at him, grinning, but once she saw the shock in his face, she slipped her hand into his.
“It’s a lot, right?”
“Is it market day?” Fred asked, trying to make sense of why there could be so many people in one place.
He didn’t want to admit that he was used to stepping out of his door into the peace of the palace gardens.
Or that he’d never even been to a market, just seen them from the window of his carriage.
“Every day is market day in Camden!” Shandy giggled. “Let’s concentrate on getting to the barber’s for now. You can see the rest later.”
She kept her hand in his and led him over roads and bridges, and down alleyways until they arrived at a tiny little shop with a red and white pole outside.
“This place is run by a friend of Bob’s. They’re used to helping anyone fit in round here. You can tell him the truth. He’s heard it all before,” Shandy explained, finally letting go of Fred’s hand.
Fred pushed open the door, setting a tiny bell jingling. From the back of the room a tiny, friendly man appeared. Fred could easily imagine him as Bob’s cousin, or even brother.
“So, what can I do for you today?” he asked, grinning broadly. “I’m hoping you don’t want to lose that whole beard! Take a seat! I’m Darren, and you are?”
“Fred.”
Fred sat himself down in front of a mirror, while Shandy sat herself on a sofa on the other side of the room. She waved at him in the mirror and he smiled back.
“How long did it take you to grow this beauty, Fred?” the barber asked, tugging the end down to show its full length.
“It appeared overnight! I never even knew I could grow a beard!”
“Well then! Decision time! Keep it? Lose it? It’s up to you!”
As an elf, Fred had never expected to have to make any decisions about his facial hair.
Already, his hair was more unruly than the average elf’s, but his chin had been as smooth as marble his whole life, just like his brothers’ and every other elf he had ever known.
Beards happened to other creatures, like gnomes.
It didn’t look bad on a gnome. In fact, a gnome might be mistaken for another species were the beard missing.
With that in mind, keeping the beard might help protect him.
If they were trying to scry for him, with his usual appearance in mind, it might take longer to find him.
“I think I’ll keep it,” Fred answered, keeping his tone light, although his mind had slipped to the consequences of being found. “Just not this long.”
The barber, glanced towards the door, checking that no one was passing, tied a cover round Fred’s neck and set to work.
Darren’s hands moved so fast that Fred could hardly see them. As locks of his beard fell onto his lap, he caught Shandy’s eye. She gave him a little nod of encouragement.
“How’s that?” the barber asked, within seconds. “Short enough?”
The beard now followed the shape of Fred’s chin, rather than straggling down to his waist. Without the weight dragging it down, it had morphed into the same curls as he had on his head. There was something wild and rustic about it, and it made him smile.
“Shandy, what do you think?” Darren asked. “It’s not quite as impressive as what I did for that werewolf back in June, but…”
“I like it! It’s giving lumberjack vibes!” she chirped. “It suits you!”
“Do you like it like that?” the barber asked Fred. “We could go for something less bushy if you prefer?”
“Now that I have a beard, will it just keep growing?” Fred asked. “If I keep it like this, how long would it be before it got long again anyway?”
“Well, it’s hard to tell with accidental magic.
I’m hardly an expert, but Bob’s been bringing me his customers for a good 100 years now, so I’ve seen a bit of everything.
It might behave a lot like natural hair, or you might find there’s a certain amount of beer that triggers it to grow again.
Who knows? But it almost certainly will grow again at some point.
I’m sure you could achieve this look again, whether it took a few months or a few beers. ”
“Do I look rich? Bob said I need to look rich tonight for something called a casino…” Fred pondered, tilting his head as he studied his own reflection.
“Rich? Let’s go a bit tidier then. I bet some rich guys have the bushiest beards known to man, but if you’re going to be dressing up tonight that may not be the look you’re going for.”
Darren got back to work. In no time, Fred had a very tidy beard, shaped perfectly to his face, and his hair had lost some of its unruliness too. This new transformation wasn’t nearly as cheering as the wilder version, but Fred could see how it might suggest that he took good care of himself.
“I like it,” he grinned.
“Very sophisticated!” Shandy said, hopping off the couch and moving to stand next to Fred. “I’ll have to make sure I find the right dress to go with your new look. Bob was telling me I have to pretend to be your girlfriend tonight!”
Her compliments and feeling her stand so close to him, talking about being his girlfriend, made Fred’s heart beat that little bit faster.
“What do I owe you?” Fred asked, pulling out his phone. “Bob said I could pay with this now.”
“This one’s on the house,” Darren said. “You’ll be back. It’s not like you can get a true pixie cut anywhere else in London.”
To Fred’s bemusement, this made Shandy laugh, but he didn’t bother asking why. There was far too much going on in his head as it was.”
Fred used the time on the way back to quiz Shandy some more.
“Did Darren fall through the portal in the bar too?”
“I don’t think so.” Shandy frowned. “I think he grew up here, from what he’s told me.
He’s pure pixie, but he’s shown me pictures of his grandkids and they’re already as tall as him, even though they can’t be much more than seven years-old.
From what Bob’s told me, there has always been magic here, and subspecies who are better at using it than humans like me.
Then again, they might have fallen through portals in the first place.
Who knows? I used to feel like Bob had all the answers, but I’m not so sure now. ”
On the way back they stopped to watch a barge pass through the lock.
“It’s amazing how ingenious people have to be when they can’t use magic,” Fred laughed. “I was itching to just speed that up a bit.”
“Don’t go throwing magic around!” Shandy said.
“Bob will be on your case if anyone sees you doing magic. He has ways round things, memory wipes etc, but it’s a lot of work!
Sometimes, when he’s away for a bit, that’s what he’s up to.
He tries not to tell me too much, but I’m pretty sure he’s had to travel to all kinds of places to help with mass memory wipes.
It’s a delicate operation, so he tells me, or you end up wiping the essentials too.
Sometimes I wonder if he’s ever messed around with my memories… ”
Back at the Rock Tavern, there was still a little time before lunch, so Bob declared it was time to see whether Fred’s magic was working well enough for the casino or not.
“Tonight, you’re going to be playing roulette, because there’s no need to learn anything much,” Bob explained. “Or rather, there’s not much to learn if you know which number it’s going to land on. People who are actually taking a risk use all kinds of systems.”
“What’s roulette?” Bob asked.
“Shandy can show you later. For now, let’s just check your future sight is in working order.”
Bob took a small box from beneath the bar, and tipped out a pile of cards. He shuffled them in his hands as he talked.
“Your aim is to tell me what’s on each card before I show you, okay? All it should take, if your future sight is working, is to think yourself ahead a little. Ready? What’s on this card?”
Fred let his mind slide slightly into the future, then pulled it back, confused.
“It looks like a court jester to me?”
Bob turned the card.
“Perfect! We call this one a joker, but that’s why you won’t be playing any cards tonight. Too much to learn and I’m not in the mood for teaching. Shandy? Could you take over for a bit? We need to make sure he’s not using my magic somehow.”
“I like it when there’s someone new around. Makes my job a lot more fun,” Shandy laughed as they sat opposite each other at the table.
Shandy lay all the cards out face down on the table.
“What’s this one?”
It was fun to be so good at something so simple, but that impressed Shandy so much.
Each time she pointed to a card, as his eyes followed her finger, they were also drawn to her breasts, and then he’d look up again to see her twinkling, laughing eyes looking deep into his.
While half his mind played this simple, childish game, the other half was spinning fantasies of the very adult things he wanted to do with her.
“What’s this one?”
Shandy asked yet again, but this time, his quick look forward showed nothing but her breasts.
“Erm… the Queen of Hearts?”
Shandy turned the card. The six of spades glared up at them.
“I must have got distracted,” Fred murmured, sheepishly.
“Ah! We’ll have to work on that then!” Shandy declared. “There could be all kinds of distractions tonight!”
She took a quick look around the bar. There were no customers and Bob had popped out to get something.
Shandy twiddled her top button undone, then the next, then the next, until her shirt was wide open. Fred stared at the lacy bra beneath. Shandy giggled.
“Now… let’s see if you can concentrate…”
Fred’s mind was spinning. He didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing and make this moment end. He had made so many excuses to himself for why nothing Shandy said or did was really flirting, but now? Now?
“Don’t go getting ideas, old man!” Shandy laughed, as if she was the magic-wielding mind reader in the equation. “I’m just getting you ready for tonight!”
Fred dragged his eyes off her breasts and she winked at him.
“Now focus. If you get five right in a row, I’m taking this bra off.”
Fred took a deep breath. He knew he could do this. As Shandy touched the next card, he willed his focus away from those warm, soft, breasts and towards the boring, little piece of card.
And he still didn’t know! He flashed time forward, and the card didn’t move!
“I… I… don’t know!” he stuttered, trying to focus now on her laughing eyes, but drawn to those amazing breasts.
“That’s because I’m actually going to turn this one!” Shandy giggled, turning a card at the other side of the table. “Let’s see if I can trick you again!”
From then on, Fred spread his future sight to cover the entire table, and, for good measure, her boobs.
He got one right. Then two… three… four…
“Last one coming up!”
This time, Fred expected to be tricked, so he was determined to hold his future sight as long as he physically could.
He watched as Shandy pointed to card after card, without turning them, and then finally, pulled out a card that had been tucked neatly in her bra!
He was just about to see it, when he was suddenly pulled back to the moment by the sound of a slamming door. Bob was back.
Shandy winked and grinned at Fred as she buttoned herself back up again.
“We’ll have to play nicely now,” she whispered.
“How is the practice going? Future sight working okay?” Bob asked, as he shrugged off his camel hair jacket.
“Yeah, good,” Fred answered. “I could do with a bit more practice though. Especially at not getting distracted.”
They spent a little longer practising, but it wasn’t the same. Fred managed to hold his future sight for longer and longer, but the lost opportunity made him ache. They’d be alone together that night. Maybe he could make his move.