Chapter 5
Today I arrived in Medford, and he was there at the depot. He is much taller than I imagined. His mouth is firm, as if he has never smiled once. We went by wagon to Jacksonville, where he paid for me to have my own room. We are to be married in the morning.
P erry felt awful.
Last night’s discussion with Carson played over and over in her mind. She couldn’t let it go. She was like a wolf with a bone.
He had offered to let her move in with him.
Which was great. Honestly, it solved a lot of problems. And okay, she wasn’t moving in with him moving in with him.
Just going to live on his property. He was giving up acreage for her to plant on.
It was great. Except it wasn’t. Except she felt terrible about their fight, and she felt bad that he felt bad.
She wondered if this was a side effect of all that intensity she wanted to escape. She suspected it was.
She wanted to fix him. Every time he had a bad mood, she wanted to lift it. She never wanted to be the cause of any of his suffering, and the fact that she had oppressed her spirits.
Normally, working on a romantic flower arrangement— something for an anniversary or Valentine’s Day, or any sort of special event—made her feel warm and happy.
But she couldn’t focus on the lovely softness of the hydrangeas because she was so wrapped up in the Carson of it all. And there was her issue.
So when he walked into the flower shop, and her heart scurried up her throat and nearly exited her mouth, she shouldn’t have been all that surprised. Just the standard Carson response.
Why was it like this? They‘d been best friends for most of their lives.
True, their relationship had shifted. Because there had been a point in time when she had thought he was beautiful, but had never considered that she might want to see him naked.
She knew full well that she wanted to see him naked now .
It was the kind of thought that could consume her if she let it.
She knew him. But she didn’t know how he did … the most intimate things.
She wiped her mind clean so that she could make eye contact with him. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to say hello,” he said.
“Oh. Hello.”
“To you too. I had an idea.”
“You had an idea?”
She felt a deep concern just then. Carson often had ideas when they were younger. They were generally harebrained. She couldn’t really say the ideas he came up with as an adult were much better.
“What kind of idea?”
“I want to help with your house. I know that you want to sell it quickly, but honestly, I think that if I help you restore it, you’re going to be able to sell it for a hell of a lot more.”
That was so … not what she’d been expecting. Of course, he’d been surprising her ever since he’d come storming over to her house to apologize and demand she move in with him.
Suddenly he wanted to do everything, carry it all on his back. It was the way he used to be, but she hadn’t seen him like this in the last few years.
“Oh, there’s no way I can afford to have you do that.”
“You, you’re my oldest friend in the entire world. I’m not going to charge you for my time. I’m not going to charge you for anything.”
“You can’t go around doing work for people for free,” Perry said. “Perry, I can do whatever the hell I want. Especially when it comes to you.”
“Carson …”
“Perry,” he repeated. “Let me do this for you. I went out to the bar with Flynn last night.”
“God save us.”
“And while I was there, he asked me a question. And I won’t bore you with the details, because it’s Flynn, so you know, it was … Flynn. But I have to have something. Something that I care about.” His blue eyes burned into hers, and it was damn near painful. He wanted something to care about.
Well. Too bad she already did, and it was him.
“I’m a cowboy. Ranching is in my blood. But when I really think about setting up a spread on my ranch, my heart’s not in it.
I love helping Austin. But it’s not everything to me.
The different restoration projects I’ve done, that’s …
more. More me. I have plenty of money. I’ve got a home, and I don’t need much.
If I can restore your place, then the old Wilder place in town, I’ll have a basis for a business.
I can redo antique furniture and historic homes. ”
“That seems like a good, lofty goal,” she said.
She meant it. Because he needed to care about something.
That was great. His wanting more than to sit in that empty house was great.
Truly, it was great for her too because she wouldn’t have to imagine herself abandoning him while he was at loose ends.
He was looking to tie up an end. And he made beautiful things.
He didn’t only do restoration; he built fantastic original furniture as well.
He had actually made all the cabinets in the house he’d built for Alyssa.
The idea of him working on her house? The one she was about to move out of so that she could leave town and him forever? That was a hell of a double-edged sword.
“I want to do this,” he said. It was so hard to argue with Carson. Maybe it was because he was extraordinary, charismatic in a certain kind of way. Or maybe it was just because she loved him. She would never really know the answer one way or another.
“Of course that would be amazing,” she said.
Even as she said it, she felt a tug of regret. Because … it would’ve been nice to live in that revamped Victorian home. It would have been nice to keep it, but she had made her decision. How ironic that she was getting more ensnared in Carson just as she was trying to leave him.
“Well, when you close up shop here, let’s go to your place and have a look. Of course, you can’t live there while I’m doing major renovation.”
“You’re not going to be doing electrical and things like that.”
“No,” he said slowly. “But there’s going to be sawdust all over the place.
That old floor of yours is trashed in spots.
I think I can resurface and restore some of it, but I can also cut new subflooring, new planks.
There are some built-ins that definitely need a little bit of work.
And anyway, it’ll be easier to do with all your stuff moved out. ”
“That’s just … that’s so nice of you.”
“I’m not being nice. I’m your friend and I haven’t been what you needed the past couple of years. Our conversation really drove that home.”
“I really need to say this to you, and I need you to hear me. My decision to move isn’t about you or the way you’ve been over the last couple of years. Your wife died. You’re grieving. You weren’t being a bad friend—you’re a great friend.”
“I appreciate that. But I feel like I haven’t shown up for you, and I want to. Also, you’re right.”
“Well, I do like to hear that.”
“I haven’t been moving forward like I should. I didn’t even realize I needed to.”
She couldn’t help but wonder what that meant to him. She loved that he was thinking about a new business, something that aligned with his interests. His creativity.
She remembered when he’d carved her a little wooden box with a pocketknife and a piece of madrone.
She still had it. In that box, she kept a dried flower he’d given her when they were teenagers, a necklace he’d given her one year for Christmas, and a note he’d written her in middle school that said: Will u go to the woods w/me after school? Y or N circle .
He should do things like that. Creative things. He’d ignored that part of himself but she knew it was a substantial piece of who he was.
She finished up the arrangement and put it in the cooler. It would be picked up first thing in the morning. She had already zeroed out her cash register, and she went to lock the front door, turning off the lights. “I’m parked out back,” she said.
“I’ll walk you,” he said.
He went behind the counter with her, and they both opened the back door to the gravel lot behind the cute little brick building.
“Are you parked out front?”
“Yeah,” he said.
“Should I give you a ride?”
He chuckled. “Around the block?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
He got into the passenger seat of her car, having to fold himself immediately. He was way too tall for her little sedan. Being enclosed like this with him made her lose her breath in a fun way. It was addict behavior; that’s what it was. The way she both loved and hated being with him.
“So, what did Flynn say to you?” she asked, starting the engine.
“He asked if I was really going to be celibate for the rest of my life.”
She hit the gas just a little too hard, and then braked abruptly as she came flying backward out of her spot. “Oh?”
“Yeah, and it’s not like … I’m thinking about that all the time. But he got me thinking about things in the long term.”
Well. She had, in fact, talked to Carson many times about what he might do with his life, and what he wanted for the future, but apparently what had sunk in was Flynn mentioning sex. Because men were going to be men.
She couldn’t get her bristles down. She’d been hoping Flynn had said something more along the lines of … learn to carve beavers with a chain saw or something.
“Then I started thinking about the ranch, about restoration. About … hell, Perry. You said that you wanted to have a baby. We both need to get out there, apparently.”
“We … we do ,” she said, suppressing a growl.
“We should download some dating apps.”
“Dating apps.”
“Yeah. Increase the likelihood of meeting people.”
“Don’t you men just go to the Watering Hole and approach the first woman who gets separated from the herd?”
“You’re thinking of Flynn. I’ve never been much for that.”
She sniffed loudly. “I don’t need apps.”
“I just think … how long has it been since you’ve been in a relationship?”
It was too hot in the car. She wanted to peel her skin off. She turned toward the next block and saw his beat-up blue pickup truck parked against the curb. “I can’t remember.”
“Then it’s been too long.”