Chapter 14
I could write sonnets about my nights with him.
I never expected this. When I came to Oregon, I thought it was for the freedom the West had to offer.
I knew I was trading Boston men I didn’t want for a man I didn’t know, because a man is a necessary evil in a woman’s life.
I never thought he would be the centerpiece of my life here.
I never thought his hands would consume my every waking thought.
C arson had ample time to reflect on the damage done down at Outlaw Lake during his time at Perry’s house. Which was exactly what he should be doing, instead of imagining the way she had looked in that dress, the sodden fabric clinging to her figure.
He had made a fool out of both of them down by the water.
He couldn’t stop picturing it. Over and over.
He had told himself that he was only touching her because he wanted to recapture something they’d had when they were young.
When he had picked her up and put her on the swing, his intentions had been innocent enough.
But the moment he put his hands on her body, his resolve had been tested.
And he had pushed his willpower to the limit.
Swum with her across the lake. Gone into the cave.
The whole time, there had been something humming beneath the surface of his skin.
An awareness that he had worked so hard to suppress for so long.
But it was as if everything had fallen apart on the drag of a cigarette the other night.
Or maybe it was when she had told him not to sleep with Jessie Jane.
Or maybe it was a thousand other times, and a thousand other places.
And it had all built up like grains of sand in an hourglass, nothing on their own, but together amounting to a mountain.
He couldn’t quite parse it.
He wasn’t sure he needed to. Understanding might not fix anything.
She was going out with West Hancock tonight after all. West, who had a reputation for seducing every woman he passed on the street.
The thought made his stomach go tight.
Perry had wanted Carson to kiss her. Her eyes had fluttered closed.
He could still remember the way it had felt to touch her face.
And he had fucked up. Because there had been a moment when he could have moved away, but instead he had moved closer.
There had been a moment when it could have been a glancing touch of his hand on her face rather than his hand cradling her, but he hadn’t made that choice.
He had made it clear what he was thinking, what he intended to do for one brief moment of insanity.
He had wanted to taste her.
His Perry.
That feeling of possession had swelled inside him.
His . He’d felt it from the moment he had first seen her, when she was nothing but a sprout of a girl standing in the field with large eyes and tangled hair. Bare feet and a sort of hungry look about her.
Mine .
She had been his to hold, his to keep. He’d terrified her that long-ago day he’d wanted her to be his to kiss.
Then down by the lake today he’d torpedoed another kiss.
Because he had known, in an instant, one blinding flash, that if he had kissed her, he would have stripped that soaking dress away from her body, and he would’ve changed the thing between them irreversibly.
And he couldn’t ruin Perry like that. He couldn’t ruin them .
He had friends. They weren’t Perry. He had a sister, and she wasn’t Perry.
He’d had a wife, but she hadn’t been Perry.
Only Perry was Perry. She occupied her own space in his life, in his soul.
And he didn’t know what the hell he would do if he broke her the way he had done so many other things.
If he shattered the connection between them.
He had wanted to cut his own tongue out. Telling her that he had a date with Marissa. And now she was supposedly going on a date with West Hancock, who would be kissing her, that was sure and certain.
Yeah. He had reflected on all this during the workday, then he had taken a shower in Perry’s bathroom, and thought of nothing but her presence in the house. Then he had gotten dressed and ready for his date.
West. Hancock.
He could remember the rumors about him and the entire cheer squad back in high school. There were rumors he’d gotten the preacher’s daughter to throw her purity ring into the river and forsake her vows to God for him.
West. Hancock.
He hated that guy, he really did.
He hadn’t before now. It was a spontaneously occurring hatred that was very deep and very real all the same.
A question was burning in the back of his mind. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted the answer to it. Why had she been standing there waiting to kiss him if she had a date?
Why did you almost kiss her, asshole?
He didn’t want to answer that question. So instead, he sent Marissa a message that he was headed toward the restaurant and began to move in that direction.
Away from all of the bad decisions he had made in the last twenty-four hours. Before he could mess something else up. He was headed right toward something …
It was living. That was what he was trying to do. The date felt pointless, but he wasn’t going to focus on that. He was just trying to be normal. He was trying not to be sad. Someone his family didn’t worry about. Someone Perry wasn’t concerned about leaving.
She doesn’t seem all that concerned, does she?
With gritted teeth he got into his truck.
He had a date.
Lucky him.