Chapter 15 #3
“I didn’t know that you were a prude, Carson.
There’s a little thing called recreational sex, and I’m allowed to do it.
Just because you haven’t figured out what to do with yourself since you lost Alyssa doesn’t mean that I have to wait.
I am not in a convent just because you’ve taken a vow of chastity.
This is exactly what I was talking about. We are not linked in this way.”
“That’s a lie. We are.”
“We never happened.”
“He’s just … he’s wrong for you. You deserve better.”
And then Perry exploded. As if she was a volcano in which pressure had been building and building, and then it simply couldn’t contain itself anymore.
“Shut up!” she shouted. “You shut up. This is such bullshit. You could have given me better any time over the last twenty-five years and you didn’t.
You gave better to other women. You married another woman.
Don’t get mad because you’ve suddenly decided you want me now that I’ve put myself out of reach. ”
“You’ve been out of reach before,” he said, having no idea why he was trying to defend his position, and really having no idea what his position even was anymore.
“No. I was never out of reach. You were, Carson. You’re the one who left town. You joined the Army, you …”
“That was different,” he said.
“Obviously,” she said. “Obviously you feel like it’s different with me right now or you wouldn’t be here posturing like a gorilla.”
She moved closer to him, her eyes bright. And he remembered the moment that West had put his hands on her. Pushed her up against the wall.
Put his mouth on her.
He took a step toward her. “ Posturing ,” he said. “That’s what you think I’m doing? Posturing? I’ve been your best friend since we were children, and you think that I’m posturing ?”
“What else would you call it, Carson? Because you’re not going to do a fucking thing. You’re going to beat your chest and act outraged. Then you won’t do anything. Because you’re a coward.”
She moved toward him, and she shoved him in the shoulder, just as he had done to West.
He gripped her wrist. And he pushed her back up against the wall. Beneath his thumb he could feel her pulse beating quickly. He couldn’t catch his breath. He couldn’t catch his thoughts.
It was Perry who moved. Perry who started to move toward him. And he growled. “Don’t.”
She froze. Anger poured through him. Confusion.
Desire. He wanted her. And in that moment, everything became crystal clear.
The horse had bolted. Yesterday his self-control had been both belated and pointless.
Because it was too late. He had been desperately trying to identify the moment everything changed.
Maybe it was when she had pulled the pin out of the grenade.
Maybe it had been when the grenade was made in the first place.
He didn’t have a good answer. But it was clear to him now that there was no going back.
There was no saving their friendship. There was no saving them.
He had given words to what he was feeling.
Attraction. Desire. He had let her beauty become specific.
He had allowed himself to imagine what it would be like to touch it.
And then he had touched it. Yesterday. Today, he had made it clear he couldn’t abide someone else doing it.
Yeah. It was too late. He had no control over it anymore.
But he had control of when. And he would not …
he wouldn’t let it be like this. Not his Perry.
“Our first kiss is not going be when I’m mad at you,” he said, his voice low.
Perry moved away from him, her eyes bright, her breath coming out in short, choppy bursts.
He thought his own heart might beat straight through the walls of his chest.
“Our first kiss?” she asked.
“Yeah. Because I am going to kiss you, Perry. But not just once. Once I do … there won’t be any stopping it. There will be the first, then the second. Then we’ll lose count. We might fuck each other up. We already fucked this up. So I’m not going to let it start out mad.”
In case it ends that way.
He didn’t say that. Instead, he turned away from her and walked back into the bar. He walked up to the counter, and he ignored West when the guy came up behind him, gnawing at him like an annoying terrier.
“Mine and Marissa’s. I’ll get West and Perry’s too.”
“Do you really think I’m going to let this go unanswered?” West asked.
Carson kept his back to West as he paid the tab.
“I’m talking to you,” West said.
Carson turned sharply, fire and murder in his blood.
“I’ll kill you,” Carson said. “And you think I’m kidding.
You think I’m kidding, because this isn’t the Old West, but let me tell you something.
You wouldn’t be the first man that I’ve killed.
I learned that if you do it for the United States government, you’re a hero.
I wonder what they would call me if I took you out. ”
Then he walked right out of the bar. And onto the street. He couldn’t quite get a handle on everything that had just happened. “Carson!”
It was Perry. He just kept walking. Down the street toward his truck.
“Carson!”
He didn’t stop. And then something hit him square between the shoulder blades. “Ow!” He turned around. And saw Perry’s shoe on the sidewalk.
“Are you out of your mind?” He picked her little ballet flat up off the ground. “What is the matter with you?” he asked.
“ You’re the matter with me,” she said. “You ruined my date. You hit my date. Then you said all that about kissing, and you walked away without doing anything.”
“I’m trying to get my head on straight.”
“Why bother? It hasn’t been for years.”
“Oh, and you’re doing so great.”
“I’m not!” she shouted. “What about anything that I have said or done in the last few weeks indicates to you that I’m doing great?
I’m leaving this town. My house. Everything because I am not doing great.
And this is why … this is why you infuriate me.
Because I’m leaving, because … and that is the only reason that you’re talking about kissing me. Because at no other point …”
“It’s not why ,” he said. “Can we not scream at each other in the street?”
“Why not? You know everybody already thinks we’re fucking, Carson.”
“But we’re not,” he said, her words scalding him.
“No. We’re not. I’m aware. And you have never shown the slightest bit of interest. You’ve never …”
Right then, he remembered. That she had been jealous of Jessie Jane. She had said so.
She’d also said … she had complicated feelings about Alyssa.
“Were you really jealous of Jessie Jane?”
“Wow. You just hit a man that kissed me.”
“I did! Because I’m jealous!” he shouted.
Those words echoed down the whole block. In his whole chest.
Fine.
There was no point putting a lid on any of this now.
“Why?” She put her hands on her hips. “You told me yourself, you’re not attracted to Jessie Jane, and you never have been, because you’ve known her your whole life. I’m not any different. You left this town, and you found a wife. You found the one you wanted, and you never even considered me.”
She started to walk away from him, toward her car. With only one shoe.
He couldn’t let her do that.
He went after her and took her arm. “Talk to me,” he said.
“I don’t want to. I don’t want to talk about this. I have spent so many years not talking to you about this.”
“What? I tell you everything. I can’t even … I did hit your date. I followed you into the bar, because I can’t keep this inside me. It’s been driving me crazy the past few days …”
“Aren’t you lucky? Aren’t you lucky to have the spontaneous occurrence of wanting something that you can’t have for days .”
“Perry …”
She exploded then, her arms thrown wide, her blond hair wild around her. “I’ve wanted you forever, you dumb fucking idiot.”
He couldn’t find any words to respond to that, so when she turned away, he didn’t stop her. He just stood there like a fool.
He felt she had torn strips off him. He had been left in shreds.
And then she got into her car. With one shoe on her foot, and one in his hand.
But this wasn’t over. Not tonight.
He’d be damned.
He had a strong feeling that, whatever happened, he would be damned.