Chapter Fourteen
‘This is glorious,’ Darcy says, resting her head back against the wall of the sauna. The air is hot and dry, and sweat coats the back of Lissa’s thighs, despite the fact they’ve only been in here a matter of minutes.
‘Mm,’ Mia agrees, closing her eyes and taking a breath.
To Lissa, it feels way too hot, but she knows there are plenty of benefits to a sauna. She recites them in her head as she tries to adjust to the temperature and relax. Improved circulation. Detoxification. Good for the skin. Hot, hot, hot.
‘So what do you think?’ she asks out loud, needing to talk to distract herself from thinking her insides might be about to boil.
Luckily, it’s just the three of them in the sauna, and she doesn’t have to worry about being overheard.
‘Am I crazy?’ She’s told both of them that she thinks she’s getting memories from her past lives, figuring that if she can’t tell Mia and Darcy, she can’t tell anyone.
‘Probably,’ Darcy says on a yawn.
‘It’s just … You don’t think it could be a tumour, do you?’ The idea had come to her in the middle of the night, when she’d been unable to sleep.
To their credit, they both keep their attention firmly on her, rather than exchanging rolled-eye looks with each other as she thought they might.
‘A tumour?’ Mia asks carefully.
‘A brain tumour. Because you get hallucinations when you have a brain tumour, don’t you?’
‘What are you basing this on?’ Darcy asks sceptically. ‘Grey’s Anatomy?’
‘No. I’m basing it on the very real fact that tumours can cause auditory or visual hallucinations.’
‘Right. Sorry. I don’t think it’s very likely, though. Wouldn’t you have other symptoms?’
‘I get headaches.’
‘Everyone gets headaches, Bissa,’ Mia says gently.
Lissa nods, though she’s not wholly convinced. She knows logically that it probably isn’t a brain tumour. She tries to take a deep breath – the last thing she needs is another panic attack – but that’s easier said than done in a sauna.
‘I wish I knew what I was in my past lives,’ Darcy says with a yawn. Mia snorts her general disbelief at the whole idea. ‘Although what if it was something terrible. What if I was lost at sea or trapped in a lighthouse or—’
‘I think that’s a film,’ Mia says musingly.
‘Hmm.’ Darcy taps her nails against her thigh. ‘Quite possibly.’
‘Saskia says she can read my tarot,’ Lissa says.
‘Right.’ Mia pushes her red hair away from her face. ‘And Saskia is …?’
‘The psychic,’ Darcy pipes up.
‘Of course,’ Mia says – and you have to hand it to her, she has the long-suffering tone down. ‘Lissa, why don’t you go to an actual therapist? I’m sure these dreams you’re having—’
‘They’re not dreams,’ Lissa interrupts. ‘Well, I mean, sometimes they are, but they’re not only dreams.’
‘Fine. I’m sure these visions you’re having are a response to stress, or trying to figure out what you want to do with your life, or dealing with past issues, that kind of thing. Honestly, Freud would have a field day.’
‘I don’t need a therapist,’ Lissa insists. ‘I just need to figure out what they’re trying to tell me.’
‘They?’ Mia laughs, the sound slightly high-pitched. ‘Lissa, it’s your mind. The only one trying to tell you something is you.’
Lissa turns to Darcy. ‘So – tarot? Yay or nay?’ Mia mutters something incoherent under her breath.
‘Well, I tried one of those fortune-teller hotlines once,’ Darcy muses. ‘You know, where they give you more detail on your horoscope. He told me I would get a pay rise, which Liam did not agree with. He did get a few things right, though, to be fair.’
‘Like what?’ Mia asks sceptically.
‘Like the fact that a secret would come to light.’
‘A secret?’ Lissa repeats.
‘Yep. And that very month, my mum told me she’d been learning to belly-dance for years, and keeping it secret from the whole family.’
Lissa laughs, and Mia grins, then shakes her head. ‘I’m going to change the subject now, before the two of you start telling me you can see shapes in the steam like a crystal ball or something.’
‘You’re a Capricorn, aren’t you?’ Darcy asks. ‘Classic sceptic.’
‘How’s the job hunt, Lissa?’ Mia asks loudly, ignoring Darcy.
‘Oh. I sort of … stopped on that. But,’ she adds quickly, before Mia can criticise, ‘I did get a job at a charity shop.’
‘Woo-hoo!’ Darcy punches the air. ‘Now you can quit!’
Lissa laughs again. ‘Not quite. It’s a volunteer thing, and only a few hours every Saturday.’
‘Oh.’ Darcy frowns. ‘And the point of that is …?’ Mia prods her lightly on the shoulder in admonishment.
‘The point,’ Lissa says emphatically, ‘is to give something back, do something useful. That kind of thing. Plus, you’re the one who said getting some different experience would look good on my CV.’
‘Did I?’ Darcy cocks her head, then nods decisively.
‘Sounds smart and wise, and I am both of those things, to be fair.’ She stretches her legs out in front of her as far as they’ll go.
‘So, Mia, what are you doing for Christmas?’ she asks, an abrupt change of subject that makes Lissa throw her a look.
‘Spending it with this one,’ Mia says, jerking her head at Lissa.
‘Weren’t you thinking of heading out to see your parents this year?’ Lissa asks.
‘Couldn’t afford it. They said they’ll come over here next year.’
Well thank God for that. It’s selfish of her, but she is so grateful Mia will be there. Christmas with just her mum would’ve been awful – the holidays are always a possible trigger time.
‘Is Lottie still planning on coming to visit in the new year?’ Lissa asks.
‘Lottie?’ Darcy pipes up. ‘Who’s Lottie?’
‘Mia’s girl,’ Lissa says.
‘She’s not my girl.’ Mia’s tone is a little harsh, enough to make Lissa sit up a bit straighter, wondering if she’s said something wrong. ‘Sorry,’ she huffs. ‘I just … Sorry. Yes, she wants to come.’
‘Still not sure about it?’ Lissa asks tentatively.
Mia bites her lip. ‘What if we don’t get on in person?’
‘Well,’ Lissa says evenly, ‘I suppose there’s only one way to find out.’ Although really who is she to be giving out relationship advice? Without meaning to, her mind jumps straight to Ash. To the short message exchange they had after spending the day together at the Christmas market.
She’d agonised over whether to message, over what to say, and ended up texting: Thanks for the hat, hero.
She got a reply instantly. Thank you for spending the day with me. Next time I see you, you better be wearing that hat.
Next time. As if he thought there would – should – be a next time. Or did he mean nothing by it?
She’s kept the bloody hat, just in case. And now is not the time to be thinking about it, Lissa. Especially not with Mia still talking about Lottie.
‘Or what if we do get on and …’
‘And?’ Lissa prompts.
Mia tucks her hair behind her ear, shakes her head again. ‘Nothing. Guess I’m just nervous, that’s all.’
‘Well I think it’s romantic,’ Darcy says. ‘I’d love it if someone flew all the way over from America to see me.’ Mia smiles a little at that. Darcy glances out the steam door. ‘I think we might have to go for our floating pool session in a minute.’
Lissa feels a sudden spike of nerves, palpable even over the heat in here.
As if she can sense it, Mia glances at her.
Lissa has never told Darcy that she can’t swim.
It would open up a whole host of questions that she hasn’t wanted to answer, and somehow, years into the friendship, it felt odd to bring it up.
‘When you say floating …’ Mia begins slowly.
‘It’s supposed to be like the Dead Sea,’ Darcy says. ‘They put loads of salt in it or something, and you just lie there and float around and have a little nap.’
Mia looks back at Lissa. ‘You don’t have to do it if you don’t want,’ she says. ‘We can stay here. Or, well, maybe not here, because I’m sweating an indecent amount, but, you know.’
Darcy frowns between them, looking confused.
‘No,’ Lissa says, getting to her feet to punctuate the point. ‘It’s okay. I’ll come.’ It’s just the same as a bath, right? And all right, she doesn’t love baths, but she is also very unlikely to drown in one because she can’t swim.
The ‘celestial flotation pool’ is located in a softly lit room at the back of the spa.
Lissa tries not to look at the shallow water as the spa technician explains the mechanics of the pool, and how it’s best to just lie still and let yourself gently float around.
She offers up pool noodles, which Lissa takes, grateful she’s not the only one.
She tells herself to stay calm as she follows Mia and Darcy into the warm water.
She grips the edge of the pool as she reaches waist deep, which seems to be as deep as it gets.
She is safe, she tells herself firmly, willing her heart to stay steady.
She doesn’t need to be able to swim. She can stand up any time she wants to.
‘All right,’ the spa technician says brightly from the sidelines. ‘Relax, enjoy, no talking – and have fun! I’ll be back when the thirty minutes are up.’
The lights dim as she leaves the room, and on the ceiling, stars flicker to life.
Lissa takes a deep breath as she lies down.
She feels a moment of panic at the feeling of the water underneath her, even with the pool noodle behind her head.
But she forces herself to stay calm, stay still.
And hey, she really is floating. No swimming needed.
Her heart rate is still too fast, and she can feel a prickling in the tips of her fingers, an early warning if she lets it escalate, but she’s okay.
She can do this – she is not about to have a panic attack in a bloody spa, for fuck’s sake.
She stares up at the fake starry sky, breathes in the smell of lavender.
She can hear the distinctive spa-like music softly chiming in the background.
This is okay, she tells herself again. She’s here, she’s fine, she’s doing this.
She closes her eyes, flexing her fingers on top of the water. She’s in control. She’s safe.