Chapter Twenty-Two #3
‘I don’t know. Maybe. I think there’s a lot of stuff out there that we don’t understand – that maybe at some point science will shed light on things we haven’t even got close to figuring out.
Like the near-death experiences people claim to have, and people who swear they can feel the energy of a ghost in their house.
Maybe there’s an explanation for all of that.
I mean, people used to believe the world is flat, right?
So maybe there will be a time in the future where everyone’s like, oh my God, I can’t believe they didn’t believe in ghosts back then, when there is all this evidence.
’ He glances at her. ‘Or past lives, I suppose.’
She nods, pursing her lips. Now it’s his gaze that drops to her mouth, just briefly. She feels the echo of a tingle in her lips.
‘Why?’ he asks.
She hesitates. ‘No reason.’ She doesn’t want him to think she’s totally insane, after all, not when she might just be getting away with the endearing side of crazy for now.
‘Hmm,’ he says, making that familiar noise in the back of his throat.
‘What?’
‘Well, that’s the kind of “no reason” that definitely doesn’t mean no reason.’
She laughs, lifts one hand to brush her hair away from her face. ‘I just …’
‘You think you had a past life?’
‘Maybe,’ she hedges. Or several. And something bad happened in all of them.
She can still feel it, the impact of the car in her dream last night. Can still taste the blood, see his broken body lying on the tarmac, too far away for her to reach.
‘Lissa?’ She blinks Ash’s face back into focus. ‘You okay?’
She smiles. ‘Sorry. Yes, I’m okay.’
She feels colder than she did a second ago, though, even as she tries to shake it off.
She always knew she must have died before – because how would she have past lives if not?
But last night she woke up crying and was unable to stop.
It had happened on the anniversary of her sister’s death.
She’d died on that day. Which might mean there was something in her punishment theory after all.
‘The swimming thing,’ Ash says.
‘Huh?’
‘Earlier, when you said you didn’t swim.’ Right. And she’d been careful – using the word don’t rather than can’t. ‘Is that because of your sister? Because she drowned?’
She hesitates, then sighs. ‘Astute, aren’t you?
’ Because she can hardly tell him that no, she doesn’t think it is – she thinks it’s because she drowned once.
It’s too easy to go back there, to feel the water flooding her lungs.
Can still feel a hand grasping hers, trying to pull her to safety.
Only the water didn’t want to let her go.
So he didn’t pull her to safety, did he? Instead, he drowned too.
‘Nah,’ Ash says with a smile. ‘I just pay attention.’
She glances sideways at him. ‘Anyone ever tell you that’s slightly annoying?’
He laughs, just as a head-shaped shadow falls over his face. Lissa glances up, then jumps to her feet. ‘Dad!’ She didn’t realise he was lurking there.
‘Just came to see if you guys need a top-up,’ he says with a smile.
‘I’ll come with you,’ Ash offers, standing up.
Lissa sits back down, watching him strike up an easy conversation with her dad as they head to the kitchen – he really is good at that, isn’t he? Almost immediately, Elsie takes the spot on the step next to her. ‘So is that your boyfriend?’ she asks, without preamble.
Lissa laughs. ‘No.’ Does she want him to be, though?
‘Huh. Jess and I had a bet he was.’
‘I’m not sure that’s how bets work,’ Lissa says drily.
‘Whatever. Anyway, Jess had to go and now I’m bored.’
‘Ah.’
‘So do you think you could convince Dad to let me go into town? There’s a bunch of people meeting there.’
‘I think my powers of persuasion with him might be pretty limited. Plus it’s his birthday – don’t you want to hang around?’
Elsie makes a face, making her look younger than fourteen, just as Ash comes back with a glass of Prosecco for Lissa, a bottle of Corona for him. ‘What’s up?’ he asks, handing her the glass.
‘Elsie is bored.’ Elsie gives her a look at that, and she wonders if she wasn’t supposed to divulge said boredom.
‘Well we can’t have that,’ Ash says. ‘We could play a game?’ Elsie gives him a cynical look that makes Lissa want to laugh.
‘Pictionary?’ Lissa suggests. Elsie huffs.
There’s a beat of quiet.
‘I’ve got it,’ Ash says, clicking his fingers. ‘We could build the Eiffel Tower out of beer bottles.’
Both Lissa and Elsie stare at him, making Lissa sure she’s not the only one wondering where the hell that came from. But Elsie shrugs. ‘Okay.’ And that, apparently, is as enthusiastic as they’re going to get.
Ash and Elsie hunt down empty beer bottles together, and Ash draws a diagram on a napkin – Lissa is sure that Mia, with her engineer brain, would have plenty to say about his efforts. She leaves them to it while they’re still on the planning phase, and goes to get herself a burger.
At the barbecue, her dad swings an arm around her in the way he only does when he’s had a few drinks. ‘It’s nice to see you and Elsie hanging out together.’
‘Yeah. It’s nice to hang out with her.’ He takes his arm away from her to slide a burger onto a plate. ‘Dad?’
‘Hmm?’
She hesitates. ‘Did you ever try to teach me to swim?’
He glances at her, something flickering over his face, gone too quickly to read. Then he shakes his head. ‘No. You were always too scared of the water to try.’
She nods slowly. Well, that would make sense, wouldn’t it?
‘Your mum tried to do those mother–baby swimming classes with you,’ he continues, ‘but you cried so much on the first one that she didn’t take you back. We tried a few times when you were older, but you still hated it. Then, after Chloe …’
‘Yeah,’ Lissa agrees, pulling a hand through her hair. After that, no one would have wanted to make her.
‘Dad, I’m …’ She doesn’t quite know what she’s going to say – sorry for bringing this up on your birthday?
– but she doesn’t get to finish anyway, because there is the sound of glass smashing against the patio.
Lissa turns just as the Eiffel Tower collapses.
Elsie lets out a wail of despair. Ash swears, loudly.
And Lissa sees it – a glint of red in the sun. Blood.
Her heart lurches, and she drops her burger, already running.
‘Who’s hurt?’ she demands when she reaches them. She scans Elsie first – her sister.
‘We’re fine,’ Elsie says with an easy wave. ‘Ash just …’
But Ash is holding out his hand, palm up, and she can see the cut now, deep, blood flowing far too quickly. Her head spins, nausea swells.
‘Lissa?’ Elsie asks. ‘You look a bit pale. Do you not like blood or something?’
‘I’m fine,’ Lissa says shortly. She breathes through it, grabs Ash’s hand to look at it. ‘You’re hurt.’
‘It’s only a—’
‘You’re hurt,’ she repeats.
‘I’ll get the first-aid kit.’ This from Nicole, somewhere nearby.
Lissa drags Ash into the kitchen and over to the sink, turning on the tap and thrusting his hand under it. The water turns from clear to murky pink. Blood coating the pavement. Only they’re not on the pavement, and there is not much blood, not any more.
Get a fucking grip, Lissa.
She keeps it together as she takes the first-aid kit from Nicole, bandages Ash’s hand. He holds very still, saying nothing. Like he knows she needs to do it, to reassure herself. He only speaks when she backs away.
‘You’re shaking,’ he murmurs, taking one of her hands in his uninjured one.
She swallows. ‘I told you – I’m not that great in medical emergencies.’
‘You did okay. Hey.’ He tightens his grip on her hand, because alarmingly, horribly, tears are stinging her eyes. ‘I’m okay, Liss,’ he says gently.
But is she? She can hear ringing in her ears, a warning sign of an anxiety attack. And who can blame her for those? Of course she has a bloody health anxiety complex – she’s died several times before.
Her breathing is getting faster as Ash moves to her, then slowly wraps both his arms around her. She lets out a shuddering breath as he runs a hand down her back, and inhales the earthy, woody scent of him.
‘I’m okay,’ he murmurs again. ‘You’re okay.’ Because he doesn’t let go, she allows her head to rest on his shoulder, allows herself to close her eyes. And feels her heartbeat settle to the rhythm of his.
He eases back, just a few centimetres. His fingers come up to trail a path down her face. Her breathing hitches for an entirely different reason when they reach her jaw, and he notices the sound, his gaze flashing to her mouth again, this time with more intent.
Her arms have come around him too, she notices, and she moves them up his back to rest on his lovely broad shoulders. She tips her head back, waits for his gaze to meet hers. And feels that pleasant pull inside her as his pupils darken.
Then Nicole comes into the kitchen, making them jump apart like they’ve been caught in the act rather than, really, standing here completely innocently.
‘All okay in here?’ Nicole asks. ‘Do I need to drive anyone to A&E?’
‘All good,’ Lissa says, looking away from Ash. ‘Thank you.’
‘Yes, thank you,’ Ash repeats. ‘And I’m sorry. Maybe playing with glass bottles is a bad idea.’
Lissa wonders if Nicole will be cross – it could have been her daughter who was injured, after all. But she’s smiling. ‘Mm. Think I heard that somewhere. There’s a burger outside for both of you when you’re ready.’ And with that, she steps back through the sliding doors.
Lissa clears her throat. ‘Well, I suppose we’d better get back out there …’
He grabs her hand when she turns to leave. ‘Come away with me.’
‘What?’
‘Next month. Let’s go somewhere for a weekend.’
Her pulse skitters. ‘Why?’ she asks, before she can think better of it.
He laughs a little. ‘Because I like you.’ So easy. ‘Because we get on. Because it’ll be fun.’
She stares at him, feeling her heart drum against her ribcage, a prickle of something – nerves? Anticipation? Warning? – running down her spine.
‘Come on, Liss,’ he says, and his fingers move from her hand to trail up her forearm, leaving goosebumps in their wake. ‘What have you got to lose?’
Is this what Saskia saw in her cards? The Knight of Cups issuing an invitation. A choice she’ll have to make. And a leap of faith.
She takes a deep breath. ‘Okay.’
She loves it, the way light flares in his eyes. ‘Okay? Really?’
She laughs, squeezes his hand. ‘Yes. Really.’