Chapter Twenty-Six
Ash is frowning at her. ‘What do you mean? Of course it’s me.
Who else is going to drag you out of the bloody ocean?
And by the way, I thought you couldn’t swim.
’ He is gripping her shoulders, hard. ‘Why the hell did you go out there, Lissa? In the middle of the fucking night.’ His voice changes, cracking at the end, like he can’t quite hold it together.
She can only stare at him, moonlight bouncing off his bare muscled chest, dark hair merging with the shadows. A chill that has nothing to do with the air skates over her skin, and a sob rakes through her.
It’s him. It shouldn’t be possible. None of this should be happening. But it is. She’s met Ash before. A different name, a different body – but the same soul. Not just her repeating the pattern over multiple lifetimes. Somehow she is dragging him down with her too.
‘I’m sorry,’ he’s saying now. ‘Shit, I’m sorry, Lissa.
’ His grip changes, becomes more soothing as he rubs down her arms. He looks around, searching for something, then reaches down and grabs her clothes, which are covered in sand.
When she doesn’t take them, still numb with shock, he wraps his arms around her and she breathes in his scent.
It’s why it’s always seemed so easy between them – because they already know each other. Because they’ve already fallen in love.
The knowledge burns the inside of her head, leaving black scorch marks. She pushes away from him, tears stinging her eyes. His gaze searches her face, something flickering across his expression. ‘Lissa …’
She shakes her head. She can’t look at him. Can’t bear to. ‘We … This has happened before, Ash.’ Her voice is a rasp, like the salt water has burnt her throat.
‘What has happened before?’
‘Us.’
He stares at her. ‘I’m pretty sure I’d remember if we’d slept together before now, Liss.’ She can hear it, the attempt to lighten things, as he’s so good at doing.
‘That’s not what I mean.’
‘What do you mean?’ He pulls a hand through his hair, exasperated.
She tries to find the words – opens and closes her mouth a few times, watches the way his brow creases further, trying to figure her out. But she can’t do it. If he doesn’t already see it, doesn’t remember, there is no way he’ll believe her. It will sound crazy, she knows that. Because it is crazy.
But that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Punishment. She thinks it again, even if Saskia told her the universe doesn’t work like this. But why else? In each life, she is responsible for the death of a sibling. In each life, she falls in love with Ash. In each life, she loses him.
Why else would this be happening?
He’s already looking at her like he’s more than a little alarmed, and she wonders if he might, finally, decide she’s more hassle than she’s worth and leave her.
And that would be for the best, wouldn’t it?
Because that’s what needs to happen. Because she’s realised, this time, before it’s too late.
Because that’s what she needed to learn.
The universe, trying to tell her something.
Each time they fall in love, it only ends in tragedy.
So that only leaves one answer, doesn’t it?
She takes a breath, squares her shoulders and finally looks him right in the eye. ‘We can’t be together, Ash.’
He’s still holding her clothes out to her as he scans her face, searching for answers. ‘Did you have a … an anxiety attack or something? Let’s go up to the house and—’
‘No.’
‘No? No you didn’t or no you won’t go to the house?’
‘Both. Either.’ She takes her clothes from him, puts them on, the sand coarse against her sticky skin. ‘We …’ She pauses as she pulls her top over her head. ‘It’s not going to end well if we keep going down this road.’
‘What road?’ He’s losing patience, she can tell. Good. That will make it easier.
‘Us.’ She gestures between them. ‘If we keep doing … whatever it is we’re doing.’
What would have happened if she hadn’t figured this out? Would they have repeated the loop? Fall in love, choose each other. Only to pay for it with their lives.
It won’t happen, she tells herself firmly. The future isn’t set in stone – and now she has the chance to change it.
‘What, and you just know that, do you?’ His anger, even subtle as it is, spikes the air. ‘You’ve had an epiphany in the middle of the night?’
She bends down to pick up her shoes, hesitates before straightening. ‘You know when I asked you,’ she begins tentatively, ‘if you believed in past lives?’
‘What the hell does that have to do with anything?’
And there it is – her answer. She closes her eyes, breathes in the smell of the sea.
He might not feel it the way she does, but it’s affecting him regardless.
He’s only drawn to her because of who they were to each other in the past. And it’s why he is the way he is, isn’t it?
Of course he wants to take risks, experience new things, enjoy things while they last, because some part of him must remember just how short life can be.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispers. ‘I can’t do this.’
She moves to step away, but he grabs her arm. ‘Can’t do what, Lissa? You’re making no sense.’
She shakes her head again. She won’t do it. She won’t continue down the path she’s on with him. She thinks of what Saskia said at the tarot reading.
It’s only by making a different choice to the one you’ve made in the past that you can get to where you need to be for your future.
Well this is it, isn’t it? This is the different choice she needs to make in order to stop the past repeating itself.
She yanks her arm from his grip, and he lets her go. The sand is rough under her feet as she walks away from him.
She hears her name called behind her. ‘Lissa!’
But she knows now what she needs to do. So she doesn’t look back.