Chapter 19
Tate
I felt bad from the moment I had that conversation with Angus but seeing Summer makes me feel even worse. There’s no doubt in my mind she’s lost weight and the dark circles under her eyes tell me she hasn’t been sleeping.
And I hate that it’s because of me.
Having her sob in my arms just confirms how difficult all of this has been on her and I’m really glad Angus talked me into coming to see her in person.
“How have you been feeling?” I ask when I can’t stand the silence anymore.
“Mornings are bad. I’m puking pretty much every day when I first wake up. But then by around eleven or twelve it settles down and I’m fine the rest of the day.”
“You look…tired.”
“I haven’t been sleeping well. This has been stressful.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. You just caught me off-guard. We were careful.”
“It was my fault,” she says quietly.
“What was?”
“The condoms.”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t know they could…expire.”
There’s a beat of silence and then I can’t help but chuckle. “Well, yeah. Like most things.”
“Well, I didn’t know. And I got the kind with spermicide, which apparently erodes the latex or whatever, so they expire even faster.”
“I see.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about it. I’ve never brought anyone home with me before either.”
“It’s an honest mistake. I wouldn’t have thought about the expiration date either.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“Why are you here?”
I have no idea.
I won’t tell her that, though.
“I was a real jerk on the phone, and then when the paternity test was positive, I guess I panicked. Like, how the hell am I going to be a good dad when I’m on tour?”
“Did you come up with an answer?”
“Nope, but then I talked to Angus about how afraid I was, and he pointed out that if I was completely freaked out, you must be at least twice as freaked out. And you’re the one who’s impacted physically too.
Once he knocked some sense into me, I knew I had to come see you in person so we could figure this out together. ”
“Nothing has changed,” she whispers. “As far as our situation goes. You have to be on tour and I have to be here. The only thing this does is create a financial burden for you.”
“Hey, stop that.” I really want to hold her hand but that’s hard to do with a stick shift.
“Look, we’re going to have some difficult but honest conversations over the next twenty-four hours.
But the one thing we’re not going to do is focus on the negative.
Okay? This is happening, whether it was planned or not, whether we wanted it or not. ”
“Do you hate me?”
“What? No. Jesus, not at all. Hold that thought.” I pull into her driveway and park the car. I get out, grab my suitcase, and get to her side just as she’s opened the door. Then I hold out my hand and wait.
She looks up in surprise, like she’s confused, but then puts her hand in mine and I close my fingers around hers as we walk to the front door.
“Mrr-owww!” Waylon is waiting for her, and he immediately rubs himself against my leg.
“Hey, big guy.” I squat down, giving him a minute of attention as she kicks off her shoes and puts her purse on the table in the hall.
“Are you hungry?” she asks me.
“No, I’m stuffed. But I’ll keep you company if you are.”
“Nothing sounds good,” she murmurs, opening the fridge once we get to the kitchen.
“Let’s order you something,” I suggest. “What does sound good?”
She chews her lip. “Mexican. Like nachos covered in cheese and beans and sour cream…”
“Can we order that?” I ask. “Or should we go somewhere? You want to go out?”
She hesitates. “I really don’t want to go anywhere… but this is the first time I’ve had a craving like this since...”
She doesn’t have to finish that sentence for me to understand.
“Then place the order and I’ll go pick it up.” I hand her my phone. “Just put in what you want and I’ll take care of it.”
“Thank you.” She pulls up the website, types in her order and then hands me back the phone.
“I’m going to go take a quick shower. The car keys are in my purse.” Then she turns and hurries up the stairs.
I watch her go thoughtfully, wanting to go after her but opting not to. We have so much to talk about, so much to figure out. And yet, now that I’m here, I’m not anxious or annoyed anymore.
In fact, I’ve had the weirdest sense of déjà vu since I walked in the door. Yes, I’ve been here before but not under these circumstances, and I don’t understand why it feels so comfortable. Familiar. Like I’m…home. Exactly where I’m supposed to be at this moment.
Just like last time I was here.
There was never any awkwardness between us, or discomfiture.
She invited me home with her and for two days I was completely immersed in her life like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Now it looks like I’m going to be immersed in her life forever.
And instead of freaking out like I was before, I feel this overwhelming surge of protectiveness.
More than anything else, I want to do whatever I can to make her feel better.
When she cried in my arms outside the diner, something inside of me broke free.
Like the fear and anxiety I’d been grappling with simply dissipated—when it occurred to me that she needs me more than I need to hang on to whatever frustration or anger I felt when she told me she was pregnant.
That’s probably oversimplified, but as I drive home from the Mexican restaurant, I realize I’m ready to meet this challenge head-on.
I tell her a little about the tour as she eats, funny stories about Jonny falling in Toronto and how the crowd body surfed him to the stairs where he could get back on stage.
“That sounds epic,” she says, her voice a little wistful. Like her days of concerts and fun are behind her.
“Come to a show next week,” I suggest. We haven’t talked about anything important yet, haven’t discussed what we’re going to do, but once again, I’m compelled to say or do whatever is necessary to bring a smile back to her face.
“You know I can’t,” she sighs.
“Yes, you can.” I let her make excuses when I left last time because I was way too focused on my needs.
Or rather, the bad timing in meeting a woman I might want to get involved with.
There’s no back pedaling now. We’re in this, one way or another.
My preference would be that we’re in it together.
And the only way that happens is if we spend time together.
“Tate.” She puts down her fork and daintily wipes her mouth. “Having a baby is going to change everything. You know that.”
“It is. But what doesn’t have to change is…
us. I am fully aware that I’m getting off easy.
I get to go back on tour, I’m not the one who’s dealing with morning sickness and whatever else is going to happen to your body during pregnancy.
I understand that. But at the same time, I’m not the kind of man who walks away from my responsibilities. ”
She lifts her gaze to mine and the question there is unmistakable.
Shit.
I really regret the way I spoke to her when she told me.
“I know I was a dick,” I admit. “It took a week or so for me to let it all percolate, but I’m good now.”
“Are you? That’s easy to say but it’s a lot harder to do.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here. So, let’s get through the basics, okay? First and foremost, an abortion is off the table, right?”
She sighs. “I tried, Tate. Twice. I went to the clinic. The first time I couldn’t get out of the car.
The second time, I walked into the lobby and picked up a few pamphlets.
I immediately felt like throwing up and had to run outside to get air.
So, I guess the answer is yes, abortion is off the table.
Even though it would make everything so much easier. I guess I’m just not wired that way.”
“Okay.” I nod. “Then the next question, do you have health insurance?”
She shakes her head. “No.”
“So we need to get you some.”
“I don’t know how that would work because in addition to not being able to afford it, I think this counts as a pre-existing condition or something? I’ve already been to the doctor.”
“We have a plan through the record company, so tomorrow I’ll call Sasha and see if there’s a domestic partner clause or something, where I can add you to my plan.”
“Okay.” She cocks her head. “Tate?”
“Yeah?”
She chews the inside of her cheek for a few seconds. “Why aren’t you trying harder to convince me to have the abortion?”
“Because it’s not my place to tell you to do that. If it was easy, you would have already done it and I wouldn’t be here. In theory, it’s so fucking easy.”
“In practice, it’s really hard,” she whispers.
“I get that. That’s why I asked the question and then moved on. Unless you’re still torn and want to go over the pros and cons?”
She immediately shakes her head. “No. I’ve been doing that for two weeks. I’ve made my…decision.”
“Okay, so let’s not beat a dead horse. Short-term, what do you need from me?
I know money is an issue as far as health care goes and we’re in a holding pattern on that until I talk to Sasha.
If she says we can’t, I’ll have her do some research into a plan that will take you even though you’re already pregnant.
They’re not supposed to take an existing condition into consideration, but we know insurance companies use every loophole possible to get out of paying for things. ”
“Why are you being so nice?” she asks, tears suddenly filling her eyes. “You were so mad when I told you and—”
“I’m a guy,” I admit sheepishly. “And this situation is usually a rock star’s worst nightmare.”
“Usually?”
“It’s different with us, Summer. You’re different.”