Chapter 36
Summer
I replay last night’s conversation with Tate over and over in my head during the flight to London. I haven’t slept because they still haven’t found Mom, and while my body is screaming for rest, my brain just won’t stop spinning. I’m worried. Scared. And heartbroken.
The expression on Tate’s face just before he left our suite.
The hurt in his eyes when I didn’t kiss him goodbye this morning.
The way he merely nodded when I said I would let him know what happens at my next appointment with the OBGYN.
The complete silence all night as we tossed and turned.
I know he didn’t get any more sleep than I did.
We laid there, side by side for hours, without touching, without talking, as if the bond between us just evaporated.
And I have no one to blame but myself.
Guilt, shame, and frustration take turns overwhelming my emotions and I must have sighed because King Erik looks over at me curiously.
“Are you all right?”
“Just worried about my mom,” I say quietly. “But thank you for asking.”
“They’ll find her.”
“Hopefully before she’s hurt. Or worse.”
“Have a little faith.”
“I don’t think I have much of that these days,” I admit.
“Why?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why don’t you have faith?”
“Sometimes it feels like there’s a black cloud over my head.
I try not to let it bother me, but it still does.
My dad walked out on my mom and me. Then my college boyfriend walked away when Mom got her diagnosis.
A couple of guys since then have as well.
And then I spend a couple of days with a guy who has no interest in settling down, and wind up pregnant. ”
“No interest in settling down? If that was the case, why did he marry you?”
“Because I needed health insurance, and we couldn’t get it any other way. At least, not affordably.”
“You think Tate married you because of health insurance?” He chuckles. “Sorry, this is going to make me sound really old, but love is wasted on the young. Myself included.”
I wrinkle my nose. “What does that mean?”
“It means, I’ve seen the way he looks at you. How protective he is. How far out of his way he’s gone to make sure you’re comfortable and happy. To make sure you have everything you need, even when he can’t physically be with you.”
“How would you know that?” I ask curiously.
“Well, Sasha keeps us updated on everything going on with the bands on the label. More her mother than to me, but we’ve spent a lot of time together since she arrived and we heard all about how Tate fell in love with his pretty new wife.”
A flush creeps up my neck, heat flooding my cheeks.
“We, uh, I mean, he’s not in love with me.” I shake my head. “This was a marriage of convenience.”
“Why do you want to believe that?” he asks. “Is it guilt about your mom talking? Or maybe you’re projecting what your dad did onto Tate. Because he’s not your dad.”
“I know that’s part of it,” I whisper. “But it’s more complicated than that. He wants me to move to Minnesota, and I have to be in New York.”
“Why? They don’t have nursing homes in Minnesota?”
“They do, but Mom needs specialized care. The only reason they’ve kept her where she is now is because I can be there in minutes if she’s having a bad day, and my presence always calms her.”
“Eventually, that won’t be the case,” he says gently. “You know that, right? The disease is going to continue to progress until there’s nothing anyone can do to soothe her. She needs to be in a specialized facility.”
“There aren’t any near us.”
“But I bet they have them in Minneapolis.”
I blink. “Well, sure, but we probably can’t afford them.”
“Have you even looked?”
“No.”
Why do I suddenly feel like a terrible person?
“Summer, I’m not trying to interfere, but you look conflicted, and based on the look on Tate’s face this morning—”
“Tate’s face?” I interrupt in confusion. “What are you talking about? He didn’t come down with me this morning. I left him in our suite.”
A faint smile plays on his lips as he shakes his head. “He was there. He just didn’t want you to see him—I’m guessing because you fought. He was standing in the shadows, by the stairs. And he looked like a piece of his heart was getting in the limo.”
“I’m so confused,” I admit after a minute. “I’ve gone over this in my head a million times and there’s no way to make this work. Is there?”
“I can’t answer that,” he says gently, kind eyes searching my face. “But the man you left behind this morning doesn’t look like a guy who isn’t willing to make it work.”
“But my mom—”
“I think your mom’s situation has become a crutch to protect yourself from whatever you think has the potential to hurt you.
” He reaches out and puts one of his hands over mine.
“I’m not trying to be unkind, truly, but for all intents and purposes, your mom is already gone.
Her body is still here, but her mind, the part of her that made her who she was, isn’t there anymore.
At least, not very often. Hanging on to the mother you remember only hurts you—she’s no longer aware of it. ”
“You’re saying I should just walk away from her?” I demand, gaping at him.
“Of course not. You have to make sure she has the best care possible, that she’s safe and comfortable.
But she can’t be your priority. You’re going to have a child soon, who’s going to become your whole world.
Trust me on that. Even if you’re right and the relationship with Tate isn’t going to work, your baby is going to need you far more than your mother. And for much longer.”
“I know but…how can I just abandon my mom?”
“You’re not. But it’s time for you to put yourself—and your child—first. Haven’t you sacrificed enough?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I just put one foot in front of the other and do what I have to do.”
“Without counting on anyone, right?”
I nod.
“It’s a defense mechanism. You make sure you don’t need anyone so that no one has the power to hurt you.” He pauses. “Am I close?”
“I never thought about it quite that way, but you’re probably in the ballpark.”
“Don’t give up on Tate so easily, Summer. I say that as a man who gave up everything once upon a time, thinking it was better that way. In retrospect, I was wrong. And I’m both lucky and grateful that my wife forgave me for being so selfish.”
I’m still mulling over everything he’s said when my phone buzzes.
DOLLY: We found her! She’s okay.
“They found my mom!” I say quickly, typing in a response.
SUMMER: Where was she? How did you find her?
DOLLY: You’re never going to believe this…she was with your dad.
SUMMER: What?! OMG.
DOLLY: Apparently, he didn’t realize she has Alzheimer's, so there was a big confrontation with him, her, and his new wife. They finally figured it out and he drove her home, but no one was home. When he asked for your number, she couldn’t remember it.
So he went to the diner, figuring he’d find me and they called me.
So everything is okay. If you’re not on the way home, you should stay in Europe.
SUMMER: I’m on a plane. I’ll be home in about twelve or thirteen hours.
DOLLY: Well, Mom is fast asleep at the nursing home and I’m going to bed.
SUMMER: Thank you for helping.
DOLLY: Of course. By the way, your dad wants to talk to you.
I snort.
Not a chance in hell.
SUMMER: You didn’t give him my number, did you?
DOLLY: No. But he knows you work at the diner. And he saw online that you’re married to a rockstar.
SUMMER: Tell him I’m not interested.
DOLLY: It might be worth a conversation, hon. Get some closure.
SUMMER: I closed that door a long time ago. But I’ll see you tomorrow. Or later today. I don’t know where I am or what time it is.
DOLLY: Safe travels, sweetie. See you soon.
“Mom okay?” Erik asks when I put my phone down.
“She went and found my dad,” I say. “I’m sure that was a clusterfuck but she’s okay. He got her to Dolly and Dolly got her back to the nursing home.”
“Glad to hear it.” He pauses. “You sure you don’t want to turn around and go back to Hiskale with me? I’m only in London overnight.”
Do I want to?
Yes.
But should I?
Probably not.
I have a lot to think about. and I behaved horribly.
“I’m pretty sure Tate is furious with me,” I admit sadly. “And I can’t think about what to do about him until I figure out what to do with my mom.”
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe Tate could help with that? My wife is my other half. My sounding board. The person who gives me clarity when I need it most. Whether there’s an issue in Parliament or our oldest son is being a pain in the butt teenager or I have to figure out pieces of next year’s budget—she’s always there to help.
Even if it’s just to listen. Or give me a perspective from outside the political arena. Could Tate be that person for you?”
The answer is yes.
But it’s also no.
I don’t know what to do or how to feel.
Nothing has changed, not really, except maybe my perspective.
Because I screwed up.
Badly.
And I don’t know if I can fix it.