Chapter 22 #2
By the time the Phantoms’ schedule started to settle down, we were into late December, and that meant a whole different stack of reasons for Garrett and me to miss each other.
Soon, people would have family trooping into town for the holidays, and that included the two of us.
My parents, along with my brother and his family, would be flying the day before Christmas Eve.
Even if I hadn’t had a full house, Garrett would have his hands full too—his older son and younger daughter were spending the holidays in Pittsburgh.
Despite all the chaos and distance, though, Garrett was still there the whole time.
Sometimes thousands of miles away, sometimes asleep by the time I had a chance to text him back, but he was there.
FaceTiming when we could. Texting the rest of the time.
When we did manage to see each other, my body inevitably made sure it was just a quiet night of dinner and TV because what could I say?
This kind of pain was not an aphrodisiac.
Through it all, Garrett was nothing but sweet and patient.
He made sure I knew he still wanted me and had every intention of having me once time and bodies cooperated.
On those rare nights when we could be together, he was content to just cuddle up on the couch and watch a hockey game while I iced my battered carcass.
I loved his company, and I lived for those sporadic evenings just like I lived for the ping of my text tone letting me know he’d messaged me.
But holy fuck, if I didn’t get to ride this man’s gorgeous ass soon, or even just take his dick down my throat again, I was going to lose my ever-loving mind. Especially since he’d told me more than once how much he wanted it, and—damn it, could we please just fuck already?
I had never in my life looked forward to the off season more than I did this year, simply because I wanted the unbroken quiet time with him.
I wanted to know what it was like to be with him when my body wasn’t in a constant state of repair, and when I didn’t always have my foot out the door for the next road trip.
Would he still be interested by the time the season ended?
Guess I’d find out when the time came.
For the moment, we saw each other when we could and talked constantly when we had to be apart.
The texting—sexting and otherwise—continued throughout all of it, holding my sanity together like the duct tape that had kept my gear from disintegrating in my youth days.
Through the chaos of traveling, playing, practicing, and the holidays, there was this constant string of communication with Garrett.
A meme at exactly the right moment when I needed something to make me laugh.
Something flirty while I passed the time on a plane.
A filthy promise that made my breath hitch and my cheeks red.
And, more often than not, steady conversation about whatever. A reminder every time I looked at my phone that I was on someone’s mind. That there was someone on this earth besides my family who thought about me outside of hockey.
Someone who I couldn’t stop thinking about.
Nights like tonight were the hardest—home games.
When Garrett unfailingly came down to the locker room to see Chris before and after.
When I’d see him, hear his voice, feel his presence, but I didn’t dare look at him.
When we’d exchange hellos and handshakes the same way I did with any other family members who came to a game, but we had to pretend this was the extent of our relationship.
When I’d see him at the Zamboni gate, helping my teammates’ wives wrangle the kids and smiling at the little ones while they waved at their dads, and I just had to skate by and warm up like normal.
As I skated past the gate tonight and saw him holding Craws’s baby, my heart did things it shouldn’t have while I was on the ice.
Why is this so hard? Why does just seeing you fuck with my balance?
Yeah, right. Like I didn’t know.
I grabbed a puck on my stick and skated a small circle, making sure every person and camera watching me believed my head was in the game. Then I stole a glance at someone, but not the man holding the baby by the gate.
Chris was passing a puck back and forth with Drizz like they always did during warmups. He was grinning as they chirped at each other, oblivious to what his father was doing to my brain.
We’re going to have to tell you, aren’t we? Because this thing…
I let my gaze drift back to Garrett for just a second.
This thing isn’t casual.
I swallowed hard. Fuck. No. It wasn’t. That thought was both terrifying and exhilarating, like taking the ice for game seven of the Cup finals. So much potential for amazing things to happen. So much potential for heartache and disaster.
I glanced at Chris again.
Then at Garrett.
Exhaling into the chill air, all I could think was…
Please don’t let me fuck this up.
Two nights before Christmas Eve, the arena opened for a family skate for players.
That was a tough night for me sometimes.
Though I was kind of indifferent about the idea of having kids of my own, the family skate always drove home how alone I was.
I’d brought my last boyfriend when we’d been together, but that was a lifetime ago.
If my family was in town, I’d bring them, but they wouldn’t be here until tomorrow. In theory, I didn’t have to come tonight. After all, it was a family skate and mine wasn’t here.
But I was the captain. Family or no, partner or no, I always showed my face.
Sometimes I was okay with being here alone. Sometimes it prodded at me like an old injury that refused to heal.
Tonight, the wound felt fresh in a weird way, because I was here alone… but my boyfriend was here.
When I stepped out onto the ice, Garrett’s presence pulled my focus like a lone puck in the middle of an otherwise bare sheet. Through all the faces, familiar and otherwise, there he was—the man whose touch I’d been aching for.
He was here. He was on the same ice as me. He just… wasn’t here with me.
Right then, he looked my way, locking eyes with me from across the rink, and suddenly balance was hard to come by. The ice felt literally tilted. If not for decades of muscle memory, I probably would’ve fallen on my ass.
I had never in my life wished so much that I could take someone’s hand and glide around the rink. Maybe because we were surrounded by so many people doing just that. Maybe because I knew to my core I couldn’t do that with him.
Garrett wasn’t the only one to see me, though. Chris glanced in my direction, straightened, and then motioned for his siblings to follow.
Just like that, the Kane family was skating toward me, and I was out of breath like I’d just finished a two-minute shift.
“This is Liam St. Clair.” Chris beamed as he and his family skated to a stop. “He’s the captain and—”
“Oh, come on.” His brother—because that had to be his brother—gave him a playful shove. “We all know who Liam St. Clair is.” Turning to me, he stuck out his hand. “Nick Kane. It’s great to finally meet you.”
“Likewise.” I shook his hand, then did the same with Chris’s sister Katie and sister-in-law, Charli. Looking around, I asked, “No Jasmine?”
“Are you kidding?” Chris grimaced. “She’s struggling to walk. If I suggested taking her skating, she’d make me sleep in the yard.”
Garrett laughed, unaware of what he was doing to my blood pressure. Clapping his son’s shoulder, he said, “You’re probably not wrong.”
“I think she should make him sleep in the yard anyway,” Katie said. “It would do you some good.”
Chris tsked and rolled his eyes, giving his sister a shove like Nick had done to him. She giggled and skated out of his reach.
Garrett chuckled. “All right, kids. Let’s behave.”
All three of them shot him puppy dog looks and talked over each other, declaring their innocence.
He just laughed, shaking his head, while I stood there trying not to swoon.
I didn’t even know why watching them together did that to me.
Why it made me weirdly sentimental or… hell, I didn’t even know.
What I did know was that looking at the three of them, there was absolutely no mistaking they were Garrett’s kids.
They had the same deep brown eyes and the same mischievous grins.
When Katie laughed at something one of her brothers said, it took my breath away because it was immediately obvious she’d inherited her father’s gorgeous smile.
When all three kids snarked at each other, it was absolutely Garrett’s dry sense of humor coming through.
I didn’t know why that made my head spin so much.
I’d never been with a father before, and it was just surreal seeing my boyfriend in each of his kids.
It was cute, and it was mind-blowing, and in some weird way, it made it harder not to reach for him.
Not for anything sexual—we were in public, and anyway, that wasn’t what this was.
I just wanted to feel his fingers laced between mine.
Steal a soft kiss. Just… be close to him the way other couples were on this ice.
That wasn’t just from seeing him with his kids.
We were surrounded by couples and families.
Temo and Ximena were skating carefully with their little ones.
Craws was gently guiding Hannah as she—an inexperienced skater—tried to keep her balance.
Drizz and his girlfriend were cozied up and flirty right up until they tripped over each other’s skates and landed on their asses.
Then they laughed, shared a kiss, and tried to help each other up while they were still giggling.
I was used to feeling envious of all the couples being adorable on the ice.
I wasn’t used to having that feeling while the man I wanted to skate with was right there.
Right there, with the kids he’d worked so hard to reconcile with. Right there, smiling like the proud, happy dad he was. Right there, making a clumsy but valiant attempt at stick handling.
Even if we weren’t trying to keep this out of Chris’s sight, I’d jealously guarded my privacy for my entire career. I’d hemmed and hawed for ages before coming out with my ex.
Tonight, the impulse to be openly affectionate with Garrett was almost irresistible. It was painful how much I wanted to take his hand in mine and glide around the arena with the other families. In front of my teammates. In front of the cameras. In front of the whole damn world.
I watched Garrett as my teammates and their families skated around us and a flurry of emotions swirled behind my ribs.
Is it too much to hope I’ll get to skate here someday with you?