Chapter 30 #2
I had to swallow the lump in my throat. There was no vindication here. No feeling like he’d finally seen the light and he’d been wrong the whole time.
“I’m sorry I ever made you want to walk away,” I whispered.
He looked at me then, his expression full of confusion.
“You didn’t overreact,” I went on. “I messed up, and I hurt you and your siblings. I hurt your mom. It upset everyone’s lives. Hell, I hated myself for a while, so I don’t blame you for it at all.”
Chris swiped at his eyes.
“I caused you and our whole family a lot more stress and pain than I ever had any right to, and more than I ever wanted to. I fucked up, Chris. Badly.” I wrapped my arm around his shoulders. “And I’m sorry for that.”
He just leaned into me, and neither of us spoke for a while. When he finally broke the silence, he whispered shakily, “We lost so much time.”
“And you lost so much time being stressed out and distracted by the mess your mom and I were making.” I let him go and met his gaze. “We can’t have any of that back, but we can make up for it going forward. That’s why I’m in Pittsburgh now. That’s why I’m…” I gestured at our surroundings.
Chris managed a small smile. “I’m glad you came. On the trip, and to Pittsburgh.” He sat back and exhaled. “I know it took a long time for us to get back to—for us to talk again. But I’m glad we got there.”
“Me too.”
“And I think the baby coming along has put a lot of things into perspective. Like just the thought of my kid not wanting me in his life…” He pressed his lips together, and his features threatened to crumple.
“I get that. But I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”
He looked at me, eyes a little wet around the edges.
“You’ve got a good heart,” I continued. “And you’re nowhere near the dumbass I was the day someone handed me a newborn.”
At that, Chris laughed, which seemed to crack through some of the tension. “You and Mom figured it out, though, didn’t you?”
I wobbled my hand in the air. “I mean, we kept you kids alive? We got you through school? But I don’t imagine our overall parenting report card was all As.”
He chuckled softly, looking down at his hands. “Maybe. I don’t know.” He chewed his lip. When he looked at me again, renewed worry creased his brow. “When Nick was born—were you scared? Not—Not about being a dad, but about something happening to him or Mom?”
I weighed how to answer. The truth was I’d been terrified, but I also knew he was staring down the same barrel I’d been looking down back then. He probably wanted honesty, but also reassurance, and it was hard to find the happy medium between the two.
Finally, I went with, “Of course I was scared. I didn’t know what was going to happen.
I’d heard all the same horror stories you have.
” I shrugged. “There’s nothing I can tell you that will make that go away.
But you and Jasmine have a ton of support.
The medical system in Pittsburgh is excellent, and she’s raved about how much she loves her OB.
” I smiled. “Jasmine and Asher will probably be just fine, and you’re probably going to be scared shitless no matter what.
All I can tell you is that’s completely normal. ”
I must’ve hit the right mark, because Chris laughed and relaxed a bit more. “Guess that’s all I can ask for.”
“It really is.” I paused. “But if you want to hear about real fear, let me tell you about teaching you kids to drive.”
He threw his head back and laughed for real. “Oh come on! You’re really never going to let that go?”
“Let which part go?” I rolled my eyes. “The one where you put your mother’s car in a ditch? Or when your brother rear-ended a cop car?”
Chris shrugged innocently. “At least we didn’t hit the only light pole in a deserted parking lot.”
“Oh my God.” I let my face fall into my hands. “Don’t remind me.”
He snickered. “What about the time—”
“All right, you.” I shot him a playful scowl. “Don’t make me contact the DMV and tell them to reconsider letting you drive.”
He met me with an equally playful challenging look. “Is that before or after I tell them about the time you hit a patch of black ice and took out three mailboxes while you were lecturing me about avoiding black ice?”
I huffed and rolled my eyes.
“That’s what I thought. Anyway, it’s getting late.” He pushed himself to his feet. “I’m going to grab a shower.”
As soon as I was alone, I lay back on my bed and swore.
I was glad we’d had this talk, and I felt better about a lot of things now that we’d put them out there.
I would never in a million years atone for causing my kids as much stress and heartache as I had.
I hurt them, and they had a right to their feelings.
All I could do was apologize and do better going forward.
I was grateful that three of my four kids had been willing to give me that opportunity.
Giving Chris some reassurance before he embarked into fatherhood—that helped, I thought. Made me feel like there was less distance between us, and that maybe he really didn’t resent me like he had before. It gave me a lot of hope I hadn’t had before.
The one thing I didn’t feel better about was Liam.
Everything we had was amazing, but the secrecy had been weighing on me for a while. The closer I got to Liam, the worse I felt about keeping this under our hats. And the closer I got to Chris again, the worse I felt about hiding anything from him.
I didn’t want to let Liam go. I wanted to believe we could find some way to come out and make this work.
The way I felt about him—that wasn’t my libido or a fleeting crush.
I had a connection with Liam. The kind of connection I’d never had with anyone.
I’d loved my ex-wife, but after just a few weeks with Liam, I was understanding on a far more profound level just how incompatible I’d been with her.
But what if my relationship with Liam jeopardized all this progress I’d made with Chris?
And what if I fucked things up enough to lose both my son and the man I couldn’t help but love?