Chapter 46 #2
I nodded. Some part of me wanted to mention that my ex-wife had cheated, too—that I’d suspected she was cheating even before I’d stepped out myself—but I’d vowed to take that secret to the grave.
It would only hurt my kids more than they already were.
They didn’t deserve to watch both of their parents fall from grace.
Ally’s chin quivered slightly, and her eyes welled up. “If you were that miserable, and the resentment was getting to you so much that you cheated…” She threw up her hand. “Did you really think we were blissfully ignorant and happy?”
The gut punch made my balance waver, and I pushed out a breath.
“I… You’re right. You’re absolutely right.
I…” I shook my head and swallowed against the lump trying to force its way up.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “Honestly, I am. I know what I did was wrong. I knew it before I came clean to your mom. And staying together when we couldn’t stand each other—we were wrong, and we made the worst possible decision we could have made.
” I had to work to swallow again, and my voice wasn’t completely steady as I added, “I just want you to know we were trying to do the right thing by staying together.”
She dropped her gaze and stared down at her wringing hands.
For a long time, she said nothing, though I could tell there were wheels turning in her head.
Maybe she was weighing whether or not to take me at my word.
Maybe she was trying to pull her own thoughts together so she could tell me…
something. I just waited silently, bracing for whatever she finally said.
After a while, she looked me right in the eyes. “Did you know I almost married Mark?”
The question came so far out of left field, my brain record-scratched. She and Mark had dated from her junior year in high school until—well, until sometime after her mother and I divorced. I’d heard from my other kids that they’d split up, but nothing beyond that.
I cleared my throat. “Did you?”
She nodded slowly, and as she spoke, the anger started to close in at the edges of her voice. “I was so miserable with him. So fucking miserable, Dad.” She tightened her grip on her coffee cup. “Do you know why I stayed with him?”
My mind reeled, searching for the connection I suspected she wanted me to make. I ran through the memories I had of the two of them, and…
My heart sank.
They’d seemed happy at first, same as any teenagers who’d just gotten together.
They’d been a cute couple. Before long, though, the honeymoon phase had ended and the cracks had started showing.
Any time I saw them together, they were irritated with each other.
Whenever someone mentioned his name, Ally’s jaw would work and her mood would dip.
She talked about going out with him the way people talked about going to the DMV or the dentist’s office.
Here in the present, I struggled to hold my daughter’s gaze, but I didn’t let myself look away. “You saw how your mother and I were. And you thought you and Mark—that that’s how relationships were supposed to be.”
The anger in her expression hurt, but the tears gathering cut right to the bone.
“I thought that was just how couples were,” she said.
“I thought about breaking up with him so many times, but then I’d look at you and Mom and think—” She paused, swiping at the tears sliding down her cheeks.
“I mean, if that wasn’t how it was supposed to be, then why were you still doing it? ”
My chest hurt as her words sank in. “Baby. I am so sorry. I… God, no wonder you were so angry at us.”
“Of course I was!” She wiped away another tear, leaving a faint, muddy streak in her makeup.
“You raised me to think that’s how a relationship should work, so I stayed with a man who was an absolute dickhead for—Christ, so long!
I wasted years with him because I thought that was what relationships were. ”
I hadn’t thought it was possible to find another reason to feel guilty for how we’d handled our divorce, but there it was. All I’d ever wanted was for my kids to be happy, and I’d hoped they would all grow up to find partners who treated them like gold.
And what had I done? Set my daughter up to not recognize when a relationship was miserable and she needed to get out.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. “Ally, I… I don’t even know how to tell you how sorry I am. We never wanted—”
“I know you didn’t,” she said, her voice a bit more even now.
“I… I think that’s why I decided to do this.
Chris was trying to talk me into it for a while, and then I watched your press conference, and…
I don’t know. I guess…” She folded her hands tightly on the table and stared at them.
“We were all miserable, but I know it wasn’t something you and Mom did on purpose.
I know that, and I think I’ve always known it, but I still… ”
“It doesn’t matter if was on purpose,” I whispered unsteadily. “We screwed up, and you got hurt. You have every right to be hurt and angry.”
Her chin quivered, and another tear slid down her cheek. “I know so many people whose parents were awful. Like, abusive and fucking evil.” She wiped her eyes but still didn’t look at me. “They think I shouldn’t be mad, and that you and Mom didn’t actually do anything to us, but—”
“But we did,” I said. “And my cheating did hurt all of you. You. Your brothers and sister. Your mom. Everyone.”
She finally met my gaze, her eyes heartbreakingly red and wet. She may have been in her late twenties, but in that moment, she didn’t look a day older than the preschooler who was scared to get on the bus.
I took a deep breath and I forced myself to keep it together as I said, “We hurt you. I hurt you. We made your house a miserable place to be when it should’ve been the safest. You have every right to be angry with us. Yes, it hurt when you cut me off, but I made that bed, not you.”
My daughter broke eye contact as her face crumpled.
“You don’t have to forgive me,” I said. “If you don’t want a relationship going forward, I’ll understand.
I promise. You’ve done nothing wrong, Ally.
We did. We hurt you. And I want the opportunity to fix that and to be your dad again, but if that doesn’t happen, it’s because of what I did, not you. ”
Ally cried quietly for a moment, hands over her face as she trembled in the chair.
I physically ached with the need to wrap her in my arms and let her cry on my shoulder just like she had as a scared little girl or an upset teenager.
But I didn’t know if that would be welcome, and for all I desperately wanted to make this better, I was terrified to make it worse.
Somehow, I managed to say, “You don’t even have to decide today what you want to do. My door will always be open, and you’ll always be my little girl. If you need time, or if you—”
Ally’s chair squeaked as she rose, and panic shot through me. In my mind’s eye, I saw her darting out of the kitchen, leaving me there alone with cold coffee and regret.
To my utter astonishment, though, she came around the table. I rose, heart pounding with uncertainty, and then—
Then my baby girl was hugging me.
I closed my eyes and held her against me, fighting hard not to break down sobbing myself. Stroking her hair, I whispered, “I’m so sorry, baby.”
“Me too.”
“No.” I held her tighter. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“But I cut you off for—”
“Ally.” I kissed the top of her head. “I was the adult. You were a kid. I don’t hold it any of it against you.”
The renewed sobs drove my guilt even deeper; how much of our estrangement hadn’t just been her being angry at me, but feeling responsible for the rift?
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” I told her again. “Nothing at all.”
She relaxed a bit more and held me a bit tighter.
I just closed my eyes again and held on, still stroking her hair and still trying to keep myself together.
I hated that I’d caused her this much pain, and I didn’t know if I’d ever forgive myself for how much I’d hurt all of my kids.
Somehow, she was this much closer to forgiving me.
After a moment, Ally let me go, and she wiped her eyes. “Listen, um…” She wrung her hands in front of her. “I need to know something. Just… yes or no.”
My insides knotted all over again. Honesty was a given, but I was afraid of what she was going to ask me to say. “Okay.”
“When you were married…” Ally swallowed. Then she looked at me through her lashes. “Did you love Mom?”
The question chased all the air out of the room. Of all the things she could’ve asked, that one hadn’t even crossed my mind.
After a moment, I met my daughter’s tear-filled gaze. “Yes. I loved her.”
Ally closed her eyes and bowed her head. I couldn’t see enough of her face to gauge her expression, though she seemed relieved. Intensely, deeply relieved.
“I always loved her,” I went on softly. “Even when I thought I hated her. And I still love her.” I paused, then decided my daughter deserved the truth that went all the way to the bone.
It was a struggle, but I managed to go on.
“One of my biggest regrets besides what we did to you kids was what we did to ourselves and our relationship. I know I can’t be married to her anymore.
She and I weren’t right for each other, and we’ve both moved on with other people.
But truth be told, a day doesn’t go by—” My voice caught, and I paused again, trying to collect myself.
Ally raised her head, studying me curiously.
I cleared my throat, and somehow I didn’t break as I said, “A day doesn’t go by that I don’t miss my friend.”
She teared up again and came in for another hug. Neither of us spoke. Maybe we didn’t need to.
Eyes closed, I just held on to my daughter and let the relief roll over me.
Six long years ago, all four of my kids had been furious with me and their mom.
Especially me. It had taken months to start smoothing things over with my eldest and youngest. It had taken another few years to get back on speaking terms with Chris.
And today, finally, by what felt like a dozen miracles, I’d reconnected with Ally.
There was no undoing the past. There was no pretending there’d never been a rift or that I’d never done anything to create that rift. There was still a lot of work to be done.
But I had my kids back.
Maybe I hadn’t been great in the past, but I had a second chance to do better in the future.
I couldn’t ask for anything more.