Fallon
Happiness and love. I’m surrounded by it, but I don’t get to experience either.
I miss him so much, and time isn’t helping. It’s supposed to heal all wounds, but it’s only making things worse. It’s like I’m missing part of my soul, a part I fear I’ll never get back.
It’s New Year’s Eve, and, once again, I’m the only single person at this party. A party I was forced to attend against my will.
Tanner is hosting. Unlike last year, when it was a smaller gathering, it’s a much bigger event. All his local clients and their respective spouses and kids are here. Even Kennedy, Daylen, Sulley, and Vance are here.
We’re all standing around with our drinks, chatting in various groups. God bless Reggie. She’s doing her best to bring a smile to my face tonight, but her efforts are fruitless. I’ve lost the ability to feel joy.
She looks at our smaller group. “Did you all know the words to the eighty’s song ‘Gloria’ by Laura Branigan are about menopause?”
Cassandra scrunches her face. “No way.”
Reggie nods. “Yep. The lights are on, but you're not home... your mind is not your own. You really don't remember...was it something that he said?” she sings. “That’s all about brain fog. And there are lines like, You can't sleep, and, Your heart sweats, your body shakes. I’m telling you, it’s about menopause.”
We all stand there a bit dumbfounded. Is it true? That song is from 1982. I never considered the words before.
I walk away as they all talk about their perimenopause symptoms of the week. It’s depressing. I can’t listen to it. The day it hits for me is the day I know my dream of having more children will be over. I was hot one day last week, and I had a panic attack thinking it was a hot flash.
I’m sitting alone on the sofa, lost in my thoughts, when Kennedy plops down next to me and wraps her arm around me, pulling me close. “Are you okay?” she asks.
I lay my head on her shoulder. “Not really, but we probably shouldn’t talk about it. My friendship with you never has and never will have anything to do with your dad. I don’t ever want to make you feel uncomfortable, like you have to choose sides.”
“I don’t feel that way,” she responds. “I’m here to listen if you want to talk.” Her concerned eyes meet mine. “He’s hurting too. In fact, he’s an even bigger mess than you.” She takes my hand. “He misses you so much.”
“I miss him too,” I admit as I lift my head. “It feels like a part of me is forever lost. I don’t know how to move forward without him,” I quietly admit.
“Then don’t,” she pushes. “You guys are the real deal. Move forward together.”
I shake my head. “He hurt me. Badly.”
“No one is perfect, Fallon. Everyone makes mistakes. We’re all human and imperfect. You can’t undo the past. Has he apologized and recognized his wrongs?” she asks with a bit of edge to her tone.
I narrow my eyes at her attempt to mimic my words to her from months ago.
“You can choose to move forward,” she continues. “Relationships are messy. Do you value the relationship over the grudge?” Again, she mimics my words to her.
“Who let you in here?” I mumble.
She releases a laugh. “A wise woman once said all that to me. It gave me a lot to think about at the time.”
I lean back on the sofa. “That’s the thing. Our relationship wasn’t messy at all. He was…wonderful to me for so many months. Every single thing he did and said was right and…perfect.”
I realize what a hypocrite I am using that word, but it’s how I feel. To me, Jett Jeffries was perfect...until he wasn’t.
She shakes her head. “There’s no such thing as perfect.
That’s an unrealistic expectation. It’s not fair to expect perfection from him.
Trust me, I know firsthand that he’s imperfect, but I also know that beneath all that damage, he’s a good man who works hard every single day to be better.
He wants to be what we both need. It took me a while, but I chose to let him back in my life, and now I regret the decade we lost. I don’t want the same for you two.
You two have a real chance. Don’t let the first speed bump derail something that I know is great.
You can choose to stay for all the things he did right, not leave for the one thing he did wrong. ”
I’m silent for a few long beats as I consider her words. She’s not wrong. It was our first speed bump. Is that all it was?
I shake my head. “It’s not just the fight and how he treated me. I swore I’d never compromise my happiness again. I’ve done that for too long. I want more children. Whether it happens for me or not is another thing, but I want to know the possibility exists.”
She rubs my shoulder. “Parenthood was a shitshow for him the first time around. He’s unrecognizable to the man who raised me. You know what he told me after he sobered up and calmed down about my pregnancy?”
I shake my head.
“He told me to be the type of parent my children will never have to unlearn. The insinuation was obvious. The way he was when I grew up haunts him deeply. It’s damaged him.
Give him a hot minute to come to terms with doing it all over again.
I don’t think it’s anything he ever truly considered before you.
Inside, I believe he wants the chance to do it the right way.
Step one of that is finding the right partner.
He finally did that the day he met you. You’re an amazing person and an amazing mother.
” Her glassy green eyes meet mine. “I wish more than anything in the world that you were my mother.”
Tears trickle from my eyes at her words. I pull her into my arms. This poor girl has suffered so much in her life.
I whisper into her hair, “I love you. That will never change, no matter what happens with your father. I’ll always be here for you.”
I can feel her nod as her body trembles a bit.
“Fuck, Fallon,” I hear Daylen’s intruding, loud voice. “Stop making my wife cry. It’s a party.”
We both giggle through our tears as we break apart. He looks down at her with concern written all over his face.
Wiping her tears away with his thumb, he says, “It’s karaoke time. Let’s get our groove on, sexy. They’re about to play our song.” He wiggles his eyebrows up and down.
Her face lights up. “Hell yes.” She turns to me. “Will you consider what I said?”
I shrug. “I’ll try. It’s a two-way street. I need to hear some of these things from him, not you.”
She smiles widely. “I’ll take that.” Standing, she asks, “Are you okay?”
I nod, giving her the assurance she needs, even if I’m faking my way through it. I’m far from okay. I’m missing my other half.
Music starts playing, but it’s white noise. I’m considering what she said, one line in particular. You can choose to stay for all the things he did right, not leave for the one thing he did wrong.
Kennedy and Daylen are singing “Waterfalls” by TLC and having the time of their lives. I can’t help but smile, knowing the long road they traveled to their happily ever after. She’s such a good kid. She deserves it.
As the song draws to a close, I hear competing music. Where is it coming from? Are the kids playing music from somewhere in the house?
And then I realize what song it is. Tears immediately well in my eyes.
“In Your Eyes” is playing from somewhere.
It’s the song he and I danced to on our first date.
The song from Diane and Lloyd’s movie. The song that was playing during our first kiss.
The moment I knew I was already gone for Jett and there was no turning back.
Kennedy walks back over to me and takes in my emotional state. “Want to step outside for some fresh air?”
I nod, grateful for her kindness. I need to get away from all the happy couples for a minute. I need to get away from this song. Too many memories. Happy memories.
As we walk toward the door, the music only gets louder. What the hell? Is it coming from outside?
As soon as she opens the front door and we step outside, I get my answer.
Jett is standing there in front of his car, holding an old-school boombox over his head.
The song is blaring from the speakers. I can’t help but smile as realization hits me.
He’s recreating the big scene from the movie Say Anything.
He’s in black slacks with a white knit sweater stretched across his chest. I’ve never seen a more beautiful man. He takes my breath away. Every. Damn. Time.
He stands there unwavering by my presence, just staring at me. I turn around and look at Kennedy in time to see her step back inside. “Just hear him out,” she pleads. “Please.”
At this point, I’m powerless to say no, so I nod before she retreats all the way inside and closes the door behind her, leaving us alone.
As I walk toward the love of my life, emotions run strong. The push and pull are palpable. I want him, but I don’t. I love him, but I shouldn’t. I need him, but at what cost to my own self-respect? Haven’t I sacrificed enough? When is it my turn to be the priority?
As I approach him, I get a whiff of his intoxicating scent. My body reacts involuntarily to it. Like a moth to a flame, I’m drawn to him. It takes everything I have not to throw myself into his muscular arms and let him make all the pain go away.
He inhales deeply and briefly closes his eyes before breathing, “God, I’ve missed the way you smell.”
My sentiments exactly.
After placing the boombox on the ground and turning the volume of the music down, he looks at me with glassy eyes. “I’ve missed you more than I could ever imagine possible. It’s an indescribable emptiness that only a person with a truly broken heart could ever understand.”
I nod in understanding because I feel the same way.
He takes my hands in his, and I let him because I crave his touch on a level I’ll never understand. It’s cold outside, but the moment we touch, my entire body is flooded with warmth. He’s like a warm blanket to my soul.