Chapter 25 #2
“I know you do what you think is best for me and try your hardest to make sure I have a good life, despite the choices that get me here. And…”
I turn to look at him.
Dean watches the lanterns. Not once did he remove his hand.
I’ve been naive. Not once since I’ve been here, have I tried to win or couple up with someone who could help me.
He deserves a better version of me than one standing here.
“You’re right,” I say. “I shouldn’t be here.” My insides keep deflating until they’re at the initial stage of a balloon. Except every organ is ruptured.
“I’m not saying this to ruin your fun, but I’m worried about you. I hate how our distance stopped you from confiding in me.”
Tears gather in my eyes .
Our distance was a product of my insecurities. “I’ll be better, I promise.”
“I believe you,” she sniffles. “Come back to me, okay?”
It’s laden with dominance I never refuse. “Okay.”
After a soft I love you , the line goes dead.
I feel it happening. The curves of my body are screaming to do the one thing I’ve prevented myself from doing since the first night.
It’s swift, the turning of apps, the clicking of certain titles, the almost confirmed payment.
My phone plucked out of my hands and into Deans.
“Nova.”
I’m undeserving of his softness.
Sternly, “My phone, Dean.”
He looks at my open palm, then tucks the device away.
That singular action makes me break.
Tears stream down my cheeks. What I thought was going to be one of the most beautiful moments of my life has turned into a travesty. Now, I’m the sad ending of a good story.
Dean doesn’t hesitate wrapping his arms around me and nuzzling me into his chest, but it doesn’t last long.
I pull away, but he keeps his hands on my waist. “Tell me what happened.”
“Nothing that’s worth bothering you with.” A forced smile. “I promise.”
Dean wipes away a tear slipping down my cheek. “You’re crying for a reason.”
“Oh this?” I wipe away another. “Very normal for me.”
I sniffle, trying to blink away the blurriness.
“Was that your sister?”
I nod .
“She didn’t know you were on a dating show, did she?”
I nod again.
Guess we’re both hypocrites.
“Why?”
“The same reasons you didn’t tell your brothers.”
He presses his thumb against the pulse on my wrist. “Our reasons are not the same.”
And when I look directly at him. Tears shedding. Mascara messed. My chest convulses. Dean stares at me with all his layers peeled away.
In front of me stands a man whose meaning stands in front of him.
I don’t have it in me to ask—to confirm it.
Instead, “You don’t want a girl who doesn’t own up to her mistakes or neglects responsibilities. If you keep picking me, what does that say about your self-respect?”
He finds my gaze again. “The most self-respecting act I’ve done is loving you, Nova.”
I shut my eyes. “Don’t make this hard for me, Dean.”
“Tell me that the kiss we shared was a mistake,” he rasps.
It isn’t. How can it be when I’m thinking about him? The way he smiles or laughs or lets go. I’m thinking about how he’s patient and kind. How his silence is a blanketing presence in my loud thoughts. I’m thinking of the way he calls me lovebird even when I don’t know why.
Dean, I’m always thinking about you.
There’s a section in my brain that’s simply labelled Dean. I’m figuring out how it functions and how it works, but for now it just is.
“My life,” I release a stammered breath. “It’s a mess. That’s why I came onto this show, Dean. I need the winning money. This has nothing to do with you. You’re everything I’ve believed I didn’t deserve yet somehow still got. ”
“Then trust that I can help you. Didn’t we decide to do this together?”
“If,” my voice comes out shaky. “You told Azar to pick between you and the woman he loves, who would you want him to pick?”
“The woman he loves,” he doesn’t look away.
“Now see that’s where we’re different because,” there’s a high pitch in my tone before it settles into the base of my sternum. “If the roles were reversed and I asked my sisters who I’d want them to pick, I’d want them to pick me.”
He lets me continue.
“And that’s why,” my throat constricts. “I’ll always choose them over any man in my life.”
The air around us stills. Turns into sharpened daggers, pointing at our throats with no shield, no choice to defend. It’s debilitating and terrifying at the same time.
Because I’d rather a dagger slit my throat than see the pang of hurt in Dean’s eyes ever again.
“You’d do that even though that’s not what your sisters would want?”
“I need space to think about what I want.”
Dean nods slowly. The weight of my silence settling in.
Break my heart, why don’t you?
“Dean,” it comes out broken.
He shakes his head profusely. A sign of comfort, to show me that it’s okay. It doesn’t feel okay. None of this feels right.
“Don’t apologize for your choices,” he’s cupping my face. “I respect your decisions.”
He brushes away another tear when I say, “You can’t look at me like that anymore.”
The tendrils from his jaw stretch across the span of his throat. His tongue pushes against his cheek. “Don’t ask that of me.”
I breathe and wipe away the rest of my tears. “Please?”
Dean rubs the back of his neck, looking pained like I’m asking for the impossible.
“I left my brothers, my responsibilities, and everything for this. I even thought about letting you be, helping you find someone to be with, but then I saw you with Rhys and my resolve crumbled. There is no life worth living if it’s not with you and as dramatic as that may sound, I mean it.
I’m not a romantic, but somehow I’ve made my life a story to fit you. ”
I hiccup back a sob. “With that monologue, you might as well take Shakespeare’s job.” The joke falls flat.
“I’d rather not,” he cracks a broken smile.
“It’s good to keep a man on his knees.”
“Don’t you see that I already am?”
It breaks a piece of me to see him vulnerable.
Dean deserves the version of me without baggage and dishonesty. It’ll be a while before I can give him that.
Dean and I stand for so long that people begin dispersing. The conversations turn quiet, the sky softly dimming with faded lanterns, and all that’s left is us and our hearts wearing out the material of our sleeves.
“There is no one I want more than you,” Dean’s shoulders slump. “Remember that for me.”