11. LaMia Sellers
ELEVEN
lamia sellers
FIVE YEARS AGO . . . TWO WEEKS AFTER RAKIM’S RELEASE . . .
It was raining hard as ever as I pulled up to Rakim’s home. I could barely see on the way over here, and it was probably God’s way of telling me to take my ass back home, but, per usual, I didn’t listen.
Things with Ayan were cool, but I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Rakim. I was still in love with him, and while I liked Ayan a lot, it wasn’t the same.
Our bond wasn’t as strong as the one I’d built with Rakim, and ultimately, something was missing.
Ayan made me laugh and was a shoulder to lean on while Rakim was locked up, but seeing Rakim in the flesh a couple weeks ago made me realize I wasn’t over him.
Ayan had been a nice place holder, but it was nothing more.
He may have been Rakim’s twin, but he wasn’t him.
Hell, he didn’t even look like him much.
Typing in Rakim’s gate code that thankfully he hadn’t had time to alter yet, I pulled through the gates, nervous as all hell. He was pissed when he popped up on us and whupped Ayan’s ass, but I had to remember he wouldn’t have done such a thing if he had no feelings for me.
Parking, I gathered my things and made sure my hood was secured around my head before hopping out and rushing up to his door. Ringing the doorbell, I waited for a nice while before Rakim tugged the door open.
He looked good but sad. I’d never seen him like this, and it made me feel even worse for what I’d done. He didn’t say anything, and rightfully so, because I was the one who had shown up on his doorstep after ending things with him in favor of his brother.
“Can we talk?” I asked, trembling from how cold it was. It was six o’clock in the evening, so even without rain, it would be cold. The rain only worsened things.
He stepped back without a word, allowing me inside, and I had to shut my lids at the warmth of his home.
“What you need to say, LaMia?” he asked after waiting a good while as I attempted to gather my thoughts.
Truthfully, I didn’t know why I was here or what my plan had been.
Ayan and I had a great day together with me attending his practice before we saw a movie and then having sex.
However, I couldn’t stop thinking about Rakim and had been itching to see him.
I figured we’d run into one another since I was still around the family, but he’d been a recluse these past weeks.
“I don’t know. I—I can’t stop thinking about you.” I looked up into his handsome but distressed face.
I’d never been to jail or prison, but I heard the latter was no cake walk.
The times he and I spoke on the phone, he’d expressed to me the torture of being confined and never being able to really sleep because of his environment.
It sounded terrible, and I figured coming home to your woman no longer being your woman probably made things worse.
He chuckled mirthlessly, running a hand down his face before walking off. I followed like the lost puppy I resembled.
As he pulled food from the fridge to assemble a sandwich, he replied while shaking his head, “I don’t know what you want me to say to that.”
I rounded the counter, so close to him I could smell the scent of his soap. He’d just showered because it was always this fragrant when he’d recently used it.
“Do you love me still?” I queried, crying for some reason I couldn’t quite articulate.
He paused, then said, “I got love for you, but I’ll get over it. Halfway there.”
His words were like a punch to the gut. He killed for me, so I guess I assumed his love would always run deep.
Running my hand up under his wife beater, I used the other to reach down and fondle his dick. He and Ayan were surely twins in that department, but Rakim was more than a big dick. He worked it well while Ayan felt just because he was packing, all he needed to do was put it inside of you.
I hated that I waited until after I ended shit with Rakim to fuck Ayan because I might’ve made different choices had I known the sex was lackluster.
Rakim remained silent as I dropped to my knees and took him into my mouth.
I moaned, feeling him tap the back of my throat like he used to.
He hadn’t said a word, and when I opened my eyes, he was just watching me suck him off, emotionless.
He didn’t toy with my hair or cheer me on like usual, and his dick wasn’t as hard as it usually would be, but I didn’t give a damn.
He’d need time to come around which made sense.
Picking me up after yanking his dick from my mouth, he carried me to the den, bent me over, and then reached into the small table drawer for a condom.
Dressing his shaft, he pushed inside of me and started to pound me roughly.
It was a lot at first, but eventually, it started to feel amazing.
This was the sex I was used to, a little less rough, but still; the stroke game couldn’t be bought.
Just as I was about to cum, he pulled out of me, pissing me off.
“Wh-what are you doing?” I looked at him, befuddled as he removed the condom from his flaccid dick, trashing it. “You finished?”
I knew he hadn’t, but he wasn’t hard anymore.
“Not into it,” he answered dryly, but I could tell he was in deep thought, putting his dick back into his joggers.
“Let me get it back up.” I stood upright and neared him now that he’d plopped down onto the couch.
He was quiet as I got on my knees and tried everything in the book to get him to brick up, but I realized it wasn’t working. This never happened.
Peering up into his face, I was caught off guard at him eyeing me so intently.
“Couldn’t even get revenge on that nigga if I wanted to, ’cause I don’t fuck with you no more,” he stated coolly.
This was embarrassing as hell. A man not being able to get hard for me had never happened. Honestly, I would’ve preferred this happen with Ayan than Rakim, and I couldn’t exactly say why.
“I know you only like sex with feeling—”
He laughed lowly, lighting a blunt.
Blowing out smoke, he asked, “You think ’cause a nigga was faithful to you that I need feelings involved in order to fuck?”
That was what I thought.
“You said—”
“I told you I would never slide up in another woman because I was yours and respected you. But I don’t need feelings to get a nut, LaMia.
I know how to turn that lust shit on and off.
I can fuck every bitch with a slit, or I can buckle down and be with one.
Part of being a man is having control over oneself.
” He expelled the smoke he withheld in his mouth.
Spiraling at the thought of Rakim fucking any and everything moving while I had to deal with his quick pumping brother was gonna have me going insane.
“B-but you said you still loved me and—”
“You can’t possibly fucking think I still love you, LaMia.
Ain’t no way you thought I was sitting up over here pining over you after what the fuck you did.
” He stared at me skeptically. “I got love for you, but any feelings I once had vanished immediately. Honestly, I never loved you like that, I’m realizing.
I was on the way, but as you know, we never fucking made it. ”
“You seem all sad and—”
“Because I gotta rebuild my fucking life after losing everything from going to prison.” He frowned at me as if I were an idiot, and fittingly so. “I’ll die before I sit up crying over a bitch that left me to fuck my brother.”
Hopping to my feet and insulted, I yelled, “But you were about to have sex with me!”
“I been locked up for three muthafuckin’ years and some change, so nah, I ain’t turning down no pussy at the moment, LaMia.
I thought you was smarter than that. I know damn well you ain’t roll up over here thinking you had a chance to rekindle shit with me.
You know me, and you know I don’t get down like that. ”
He was right. I did know him, and usually, he wouldn’t take a woman back for doing what I did, but I thought I was special.
“I know.” I wiped the snot running from my nose since I was sobbing by this point. “I just thought I meant more to you and would get . . .”
“What? A pass?” He grinned, irritated. “You want Ayan ’cause he everything I used to be and won’t be no more.
Let’s not play this game like you wanna come back to me.
This ain’t no bone deep romance we got. Even if you did wanna return to me, though, baby, it’ll never happen.
I can’t do shit with a woman who gotta work to make my dick hard.
You go where the money and the fame go, and right now, he got it.
” Rakim rose to his feet, ashing his blunt.
“Last favor I’ll extend you is not telling that nigga you came through here trying to get fucked, because yo’ heart thought you could have me but ya brain and ego want him.
And as wet as that pussy was when I hadn’t even touched it yet tells me you ain’t had an orgasm since you got with him.
” He gave me his back to start toward the exit of the den.
“Oh, and I won’t tell him I don’t want you. ”
I stood there for a bit, clit throbbing, inner thighs wet, and feeling like a torn fool.
He’d summed me up perfectly, but I would never admit it. Ayan was who I wanted my man to be, but my heart was with Rakim. If only he hadn’t ruined his career for me, he’d be perfect. But now, he was nobody but a well-known murderer, and that wasn’t what I wanted my nigga to be famous for.
I missed the old Rakim who had the revolving riches, positive notoriety, good sex, and his aura. Now, he only possessed the latter while his brother held the former traits. Women often wished to be able to merge multiple niggas into one, and once upon a time, I’d had that until he obliterated it.
Rakim left the den and ventured back to the kitchen to wash his hands, according to the running water, to I guess continue making his sandwich.
Wiping my face, I hurried out and through the foyer to the door seeing no point in telling him I was leaving.