20. LaMia
TWENTY
lamia
A WEEK LATER . . .
“Mommy, I’m hungry!” AJ shouted from the back seat, only intensifying my headache.
“Okay. After we leave here, we can get some food,” I said.
“I wanna go back to Grandma’s!” Ayanna chimed in with her tiny, cute voice.
Peering at her through my rearview as AJ co-signed, I replied, “Trust me, you guys are going right back after we get the food.”
My kids had been staying with my mother for the past few days because I needed time to process shit and get my damn life together. Nothing was going right, and I found myself aimless and confused at the moment. I only had them right now because they had to be here for the doctor.
Ever since Ayan began accusing me of cheating with Rakim and lying about the paternity of our children, our relationship had been nonexistent.
I thought he and I would get over it, sweeping our issues and arguments under the rug like normal, but he’d stopped coming home immediately after that night.
Then, I saw him in the club with some bitch, hugged up like she was me.
He was a public fucking figure, and everyone who knew Ayan Godfrey was aware that LaMia Sellers was his girlfriend and baby mama.
So the fact that he was out and about with another woman as if that wouldn’t embarrass me, infuriated me to no end.
That feeling of lividity and betrayal, mixed with the few drinks I’d consumed before arriving, caused me to blurt my true thoughts to Rakim right in front of Ayan.
Though they were real and raw feelings, I’d always been cognizant enough to never make a move on or expose the love I had for Rakim when Ayan was around to witness the shit.
Same way a man would never profess his love for his mistress when the wife was present.
And now that I’d basically done that, Ayan had pretty much ghosted me and the kids.
He had ironclad proof that I was still pining after his brother, and I could no longer gaslight him and make him believe it was all in his head.
After parking, I gathered my kids from the car and took them inside of the building to wait.
I sighed, checking my phone, but then the front door of the doctor’s suite came open, and my heart galloped in my chest.
That always happened whenever Rakim was in the room with me.
The times when I would be with Ayan, it would take so much power for me not to react to his brother’s presence, because I was head over heels for him, and unfortunately, being in a five-year relationship that spawned two kids with his brother didn’t diminish that love even a little bit.
In fact, I believe my love for Rakim had only snowballed over time, morphing into an uncontrollable emotion that I could hardly contain.
“Uncle Rah!” AJ jumped to his feet and rushed his uncle. He loved Rakim so much, and I could tell he was elated that he could react naturally to seeing him since Ayan wasn’t here to reprimand him. Ayan hated when AJ excitedly greeted Rakim.
“Uncle Rah!” Ayanna mimicked her brother, rushing to Rakim who picked them both up, wearing a grin.
I watched with a simper as he kissed both of their faces, making me wish he was their father and that the shit wasn’t just a rumor.
“How are my favorites?” Rakim queried, and I chuckled because he said the same thing to Josias’s kids, making both sets of siblings believe they were his favorite ones.
“Good . . . You got a toy for me . . . I got a new game . . .” AJ and Ayanna talked over one another, Ayanna being sure to ask for a gift.
Placing them on their feet, Rakim dug into his pocket and handed them one fifty-dollar bill each. AJ and Ayanna squealed at the sight, though I knew they didn’t exactly know how much they had.
“What do you say?” I spoke up, thinking Rakim would look at me, but he kept his eyes and smile trained on my children.
“Thank you!” AJ and Ayanna sang in synchrony, hugging his legs.
“Hey.” I smiled at him as he sat across from me, ignoring the fact that there were several seats beside me.
AJ and Ayanna sat on either side of him, with the former playing with his new superhero toy he wouldn’t put down, and the latter focused intently on shoving her fresh money into her little purse.
“What’s good?” Rakim checked the time on his watch.
“Have somewhere to be? If so, we can cancel this whole thing, Rah. These kids aren’t yours, and we both know that. This is a waste of money,” I reasoned.
Though Ayan was shouting from the rooftops about his twin fathering our kids, he knew the shit wasn’t factual, which was why he refused to pay for the tests or even test our kids against himself.
However, Rakim and I were still sitting in this office to get one done simply because Miss Daylin wanted it.
Initially, when Rakim told me we’d have to do this, I, in so many words, told him to kiss my ass—I wasn’t doing shit for that bitch. But Rakim let me know that if I didn’t show up to the appointment and with my children, Ayan would be their only caretaker.
So, I was here. Nevertheless, I felt a little joy that I had Daylin bothered or at least enough for her to want proof my kids weren’t Rakim’s.
If only I had the connections, I would’ve made sure the results came back as 99.
9% his. I smirked at the thought, awaiting Rakim’s response to my statement.
AJ, I could maybe get away with, but him being Ayanna’s father was just in no way possible.
Instead of replying, Rakim tuned in on what Ayanna was telling him about something that never happened. She was three and at the age where she made random shit up.
“Rakim Godfrey?” A nurse emerged, so the four of us stood to follow her to the back.
The service was rather prompt, with the doctor coming in shortly after to explain the process, to which Rakim said he knew because he’d just gotten one.
That piqued my interest, making me wonder who else’s baby he had to be tested against. Jealousy consumed my thoughts the entire appointment, so once we all were outside in the lot, and I had my kids buckled in the car and occupied, I asked questions.
“Who else’s baby did you need a DNA for?” I called out before Rakim could walk away. He’d helped put Ayanna in her seat, something his brother never did. Ayan would simply sit in the driver’s seat and wait for me to finish.
“LaMia, what I do ain’t none of ya business,” he replied over his shoulder.
Glancing over my shoulder to check on my kids once more, I took a few steps to reach and grab his hand, halting his steps.
Rakim promptly moved from my touch, frowning down at me as if I were a two-headed dragon.
“You know what I said at the club that night was real, right? I love you and never stopped. What if we just see if feelings are still there?” I smiled up at him, admiring the way the sun beamed down on his dark skin.
“The kids are going to my mom’s once I grab them some food.
But you can meet me at the house, I can cook, and then we can spend the night together.
If you decide after that, that you don’t want me, I will leave you alone.
I won’t mention it to Ayan or her either. ”
I didn’t wanna say her name aloud.
For a moment, Rakim drank me in, surveilling me as if he were attempting to figure me out. I waited, hoping he would oblige my request and offer.
“I don’t need to spend a fucking night with you to know I don’t want you nor do I have feelings for you,” he stated coolly, but the shock hit me all the same as if he’d bellowed it. “Once you did what you did, all feelings were lost. That’s what the fuck you not comprehending.”
“Baby, I am sorry. I regret it. I regret it with everything in me. I made a huge mistake. I wish these were your kids. You’re better with them.
You’re better with me too. I-it’s just the thought of you being in prison is what made me lose my mind and make bad ass decisions. You have to understand that.”
“Nah.” He chuckled. “Be real. That’s the least you can do, LaMia. You knew my career was over and jumped ship to what you deemed the next best thing.”
My lip trembled as tears sprang to my eyes.
He was right, and I hated myself for it.
I was much younger and way more foolish back then, thinking Ayan was the better choice because he was up-and-coming in the boxing world.
Additionally, he didn’t have Rakim’s violent streak—or so I thought—and I wouldn’t have had to worry about him fumbling his career due to acting out.
And while I was right about Ayan Godfrey becoming a rich and successful boxer, I was wrong about his vicious nature.
While he wasn’t like Rakim, he was like Nate Godfrey—worse.
Whereas Rakim enacted his violence against those who wronged him and deserved it, Ayan was a woman beater just like his father before him.
All the Godfrey boys were messed up in one way or another, but you had to pick your poison if you chose one. I chose wrong.
Every day I feared AJ would grow up to be like Ayan and his grandfather, and it made me physically ill.
“You’re right, but charge it to my head and not my heart. I was young and stupid, Rah. I swear to you.” I sniffled, closing the small gap between us. “If we rekindle, I will spend the rest of my days making it up to you.”
“No coming back, LaMia. Nothing you can say, offer, promise, or buy that will make me even contemplate being with yo’ ass. Plus, I would never leave what I got for you. Whether I was single though or with Daylin, you would never be an option for a nigga. Ever.”
I felt like my heart was physically bleeding within my chest as my breathing became labored.
“You love her more than you loved me?” I whimpered.