34. Rakim
THIRTY-FOUR
rakim
COUPLE MONTHS LATER . . .
Celebrated boxer Nate “Big Bully” Godfrey still missing. Latest lead proven to be useless.
I read the headline of the latest article on my father, smirking slightly. Ayan had gone to them with what he thought could lead them to finding our father, and it, of course, wasn’t shit.
It was done purposely to make it seem as if we truly were searching for Nate’s bitch ass when in reality, we were the cause.
It would take some time—a long ass time—but eventually, he would be pronounced dead due to absentia, because they would never find his remains let alone any fucking clues as to what actually happened to that nigga.
A part of me wanted to expose him for the piece of shit ass father the muthafucka was, but I had to swallow that one.
If I made it obvious my brothers and I held hatred in our hearts for that nigga, detectives would put a magnifying glass over our asses more than they already had before they’d absolved us of any guilt.
“Good afternoon, Rakim. Good afternoon, Ayan.” Our therapist that Daylin had pushed my brothers and I to see entered her low-lit office.
“What’s good?” Ayan and I stated simultaneously, making her smirk the way she always did when we spoke at the same time, stating it was a twin thing.
Dr. Meyers settled into her seat and pulled out her notepad, before shoving her glasses up onto her face.
Josias, Ayan, and I had been coming to see her for a little minute now, and initially, she was telling us shit we already knew.
That Josias was sexually reckless with women because he craved the pedestal it put him on after being emasculated constantly by Nate.
Ayan was so fucking hard up for Nate’s approval, mostly out of fear, that’d he’d started to become that nigga.
As for me, she of course pointed out my violent reaction to anything that I felt threatened me, my family, or my woman since I’d grown up having to defend myself, only getting results when I reacted brutally.
So because of her revealing what had already been revealed, I wasn’t feeling her ass, but that was just the start.
She began to dig out the whys and whens we all started to become that way and how Ayan and I could repair our relationship.
We’d mainly had sessions separately, but today, it was me and my twin together.
“Okay, Ayan, did you want to tell your brother what we figured out last session?” Dr. Meyers crossed her legs, eyeing him.
Ayan paused for a bit, seated at the edge of the couch just as I was, before he began speaking.
“That I feel clearheaded without Pop around. It’s like his aura had a hold on me from me within, and it’s been that way since I was a kid. I can’t explain it, but I feel like I’ve been baptized or some shit. I feel and see differently,” he said as she nodded.
“Do you understand what he’s saying?” She questioned me.
“That my father was a spawn of fucking Satan?” I half joked, making Dr. Meyers smile softly, but Ayan kept his eyes pinned to the floor, wearing a serious expression.
“I guess you could put it like that.” She adjusted in her seat. “We know today’s session is about you two resurrecting your relationship—”
“You can only resurrect something that was once alive, and our relationship never really got off the ground,” I corrected as Ayan nodded. “I can’t really remember a time where me and this nigga weren’t enemies, due to no fault of mine.”
“You’re right. So we don’t want to resurrect. We want to create a brotherhood between you two that goes beyond blood, Rakim. Am I right?”
“That’s the plan,” I replied.
“Now, when I asked you in your session what it would take for you to trust your brother, what did you say?”
Ayan had been straight since that day he followed me into my office pleading for my forgiveness, but it wasn’t enough. He’d been the opps for decades, and one apology or admission of guilt wouldn’t change that shit in seconds.
I was even thankful he couldn’t make it to my baby shower because me nor my girl felt comfortable having him there. It was awkward between us, almost like a stranger versus a nigga I’d shared the womb with.
It was weird to look over at him and see him wearing a regular expression versus a venomous one like normal. It was weird to have a casual conversation with his ass that didn’t involve trading insults. Everything was just odd as fuck. It was like the muthafucka had undergone a lobotomy.
“I said I didn’t know because I never trusted him. It was always him and my father against Josias, Zaire, and me. Even against our mother.” I murmured that last portion knowing Ayan didn’t like hearing that.
“I did that to protect myself, Rah. What was I supposed to do, get in his face about her and get fucked up?” Ayan looked over at me. “I watched him knock you unconscious for taking up for Ma and lock you in the closet under the stairs for a week straight. Why the fuck would I endure that?”
“I forgot you was soft,” I said, and Dr. Meyers shot me a motherly look.
“I’m soft? We was kids!” Ayan snapped, and I waved him off.
“Rakim, I know you feel the way you feel, but your brother is right. At eight years old, you should not have to fight your father and endure abuse to save your mother. I know in your eyes she was fragile and needed saving, but you were a child, and she was the parent. Therefore, she is there to protect you.”
“No.” I shook my head. “She was a woman and I—”
“Was a little boy. Let me ask you something, Rakim. How did your mother react when you would take up for her? Did she thank you and praise you, or did she admonish you for it?”
Swallowing hard, I said, “The latter.”
“Exactly. Do you know why she did that?”
“To protect me,” I mumbled.
“Exactly. She didn’t want you doing that, because you were a child, her child, and she was your protector at the time.
Ayan may have seemed soft to you back then, but he did what he was supposed to.
Would you rather your child put themselves in harm’s way to save you or stay out of the way and protect themselves? ”
“The latter,” I repeated, sinking into the couch before running a hand down my face.
“Right. Now I want you to forgive your brother for not putting himself in harm’s way.
It is not his fault that he didn’t stand up for your mom.
Your parents were two grown adults, and while your father was a very bad person, it was not any of you kids’ job to stand in for your mother.
That’s why she reprimanded you when you did it. ”
“My bad. I ain’t look at it that way,” I said to Ayan, glancing over to see him nodding.
“Now, Ayan, can you forgive your brother for making you feel soft? For being angry that you didn’t join him in his efforts to save your mother?” She looked to Ayan.
“I can so long as he don’t feel that way anymore.”
“I don’t,” I informed. “I don’t.”
Suddenly, I felt like shit for talking down on that nigga about it, even in adulthood. I guess because I was his same age at the time, I didn’t see him as a child. I was terrified of Nate, too, but my want to protect my mother outweighed my fear.
Even now, that was my problem, according to Dr. Meyers. My willingness to protect eclipsed my fear and safety. And though I didn’t regret kidnapping my lady, I didn’t give a fuck about the repercussions, so long as I saved Talid and got a minute of her time to myself.
“Great. Now we have to work on trust. Ayan explained he trusts you, but we know you don’t trust him, Rakim, and for good reason.
You explained it is because he was always on you guys’ father’s side.
Well, now he is saying that hold Mr. Godfrey had on him is no longer. Does that mean anything to you?”
“It does.” I nodded. “But it ain’t gon’ happen overnight—trust. This is a nigga who meant me no good and hated me for longer than we’ve been cool.”
“I have. You right. I’ve been envious of my brother since I was a kid, especially because our father would always remind me how he was better.
He got better grades, was better in sports at school, even little league shit, and hearing about that constantly from my father, who belittled me over it, caused the jealousy to fester and metastasize from being thoughts in my head to my reality.
“So I started working overtime to show that I could do shit better or that I was better.” He shrugged as if he wasn’t sure, shaking his head at himself.
“Add to that my fear of Nate, and I became this envious ass, evil person, just like him. And as Rah started to make mistakes like losing his career and going to prison, it became easier to show I was better. And when I failed to appear better, it came out in terrible ways like hitting my child’s mother.
No matter what, I could see Nate preferred him over me.
LaMia preferred him over me, and that only drove my nefarious ambitions.
But now, with them both out of my life, I don’t care.
” He chuckled mirthlessly. “I don’t give a fuck about competing with another nigga, whether he’s my brother or a stranger.
Being evil is exhausting when it ain’t in you like that.
” His eyes caught mine before we looked away at the doctor.
“And now that you see that, you’ve been working on being better. Like Rakim said, you won’t be those close kinds of twins overnight, but overtime, if you keep this up, you will. Right?” She looked to me.
“Ain’t nothing to keep up because that insinuates that this is a charade. I’m just gon’ keep being me, and he’ll see,” Ayan corrected.
“The new you or the real you in a sense,” she said. “You have to get to know Ayan as if he is a new person, Rakim. The one you knew wasn’t real, but it’s the one you are familiar with. This Ayan is akin to a stranger, so it makes sense that you will need some time to get close to him. Make sense?”
Everything made perfect sense. His explanation of feeling different correlated with him coming off as if he’d gotten the lobotomy I’d mentioned.
“Yeah,” he and I answered in unison, and she smiled, of course.
The session continued for another thirty minutes, where she had us do some corny ass bonding exercises for the last fifteen.
“She said we have to start kicking it more so . . . what you doing this weekend?” Ayan questioned as soon as we stepped outside into the bright ass sun.
“Damn, nigga, be easy. I hope you ain’t this eager as soon as you get a woman’s number.”
“Says the nigga who kidnapped his current fiancée. And if you must know, I ain’t ever eager. They’re always eager.” He winked, and I shook my head.
“Some shit ain’t gon’ change I see.” I looked off briefly as he chuckled. “Josias is coming over with Kasia while I put some food on the grill, so you can roll through. No guests though. Especially not that one bitch you be fucking on. She used to work for Day.”
“I’m single, and I haven’t talked to that girl in months. Had to block her ass.”
Chuckling, I replied, “Well aight. You welcome to come.”
We slapped hands as he nodded before we both started toward our respective vehicles.
“Aye, tell Daylin I appreciate the therapy suggestion,” he said, standing in between his car and the open door.
“You tell her yourself this weekend, nigga.” I climbed in my car, peeping the sliver of a smirk on his face through my window before he hopped into his own shit.
Me: I love you. No therapy will ever make me regret how I got you though.
Baby: Lol. I love you too.
Baby: Come kidnap me again then because I want some ice cream and can’t wait for you to bring it to me.
Me: Aight.
I shook my head, locking my phone before pulling off.
Maybe Nate Godfrey had been a dark fucking cloud we just needed to get rid of to see the sunshine, rainbows, and shit.