Chapter Eleven
SHAY
“Shay—come here, darling.”
I’m back at Arin’s estate, my feet wading through thick water through the hallways. I hear his voice, but I can’t find him. Desperation rises as I push further through the house in search of his voice.
“Shay…where are you?” His voice is further away now, like a whisper in the wind. My chest tightens when I approach the bathroom down the hall from my room.
This is the last place I ever saw him. Our last time together physically. I push the door open and am greeted by an empty bathroom. He’s not lying on the ground in front of the tub anymore.
An icy hand lands on my shoulder, and before I can turn around, my eyes open.
Soft, warm fingers remove the cuffs around my wrists as I wake. The sound of my heart pounding in my ears muffles what Rayne is saying. I can see his lips moving, but I can’t hear him. He gently cups my face, and that’s when I realize I’m hyperventilating and having a panic attack.
“Shay—what’s wrong? Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.
It’s okay, little one. Just focus on your breathing.
” I focus on his instructions while battling my fight-or-flight instinct.
I want to run away and scream into the air.
Instead, I look into his eyes and fight to ground myself again.
“It was just a bad dream. It’s okay; you’re safe here. I promise.” My body shakes because my muscles are so tense. I keep having these nightmares; I’m back at the mansion, Arin keeps calling my name, but I can’t find him. I wake up frustrated and disappointed; it was only a dream.
Why did I make this room so damn similar to Arin’s office? Being here made me relax at first, but now, after waking from that nightmare, I’m angry that I’m not back home. My mind takes a while to process reality again, and I realize Rayne hasn’t left my side. He furrows his brow in concern.
“What do you need from me, Shay?” he says softly, not gruff or annoyed that I’m acting up.
“Just need to change things,” I breathe. It’s hard to tell him what I want.
“We can change anything. Just tell me what you want.”
I close my eyes and try to envision what this room should look like. What I want it to look like. No desk. No leather sofa. No random books.
I want it to be bright and cozy, someplace that I can call my own without trying to mimic where I’ve spent so much time before. Somewhere new that I can make memories that won’t haunt me.
Rayne has already added his own touches: the plants, soft blankets, the coffee and tea bar. He made it different, and I love it, but we need to change more. This will be the first time I’m allowed to create something for myself, and I’m going to take advantage of that.
“I don’t want it to look like his office anymore,” I whispered.
Rayne’s mouth opens, and he struggles to say something. I know what he must be thinking. Why would I make this look like Arin’s office when he asked me to make it my own? Because I don’t know any different. Because I’m terrified of reality. Because I’m a coward.
He says nothing and instead stands and heads to his desk, where he pulls out some lotion and starts brewing some hot water. He kneels down beside me again and puts lotion on my wrists where the cuffs were. I’m not in any pain, but it feels so good to have him be so gentle with me.
“I can help you change this room. We can do it together if it makes it easier, Shay. You’re doing really well, and I know it won’t be easy to just forget what your life was like for the last decade. That’s not what I want to do: erase those memories.”
I want to erase them. I wish I could just forget Arin, but I can’t. I don’t think I ever will. Rayne gets up again to bring me some hot tea and a blanket. I sit up on the couch, and he wraps me in the fuzzy blanket before handing me a hot mug. Chamomile—one of my favorites. How did he know that?
Then I realized: I had written it in my notebook.
He was actually paying attention to what I had written in there; he wasn’t just looking for something to wound me with.
Instead, he was trying to get to know me.
Guilt washes over me because I’m softening around Rayne.
My hard exterior is crumbling because I feel a sense of safety and trust with him.
The same trust I felt with Arin for so many years.
I don’t know what I want to say to him, so I pull out one of my favorite memories with Arin and decide to share that.
“About a year after I moved in with Arin, he had a business trip to Paris. At that point, I had never traveled internationally with him before. I would stay home most days and wait for him to come back; he was never gone long, only a few days at a time.” I stare at the cup of tea in my hands.
The steam swirls around the top, and I bring the cup to my lips to take a sip.
“I’m sure I had shared with him at some point that I always wanted to go to Paris. To see the Eiffel Tower, eat Parisian food, drink rich wine,” I laugh to myself. “How silly I was when I was younger.” Rayne takes a seat on the couch next to me, not saying a word.
“He surprised me with a whole new wardrobe and didn’t tell me where he was taking me.
That part was nothing new; he never told me where we were going; he would just take me, and I would follow along like the good girl I was.
When we got on the private plane, I knew something was different.
He kept asking me what I wanted to do in Paris—what I wanted to see, eat, and where I wanted to visit. ”
“Were you excited? Nervous?” He finally asks.
“Both? Everything between us was still so new that I didn’t know Arin very well yet. Whenever he took me places, I was terrified deep down. I questioned everything to myself for the first few years. I didn’t learn to trust him fully for a long time,” I admit.
“That’s understandable. If I were as young as you were when you met him, I don’t think I would have trusted him with my well-being right away.”
“I fell asleep on the plane, and when I woke up, it was dark inside the cabin. When I looked out the window, I couldn’t see anything; it was so dark, and I figured we were over open water.
Arin had dozed off as well, so I couldn’t ask him how much longer.
The flight attendant came over and asked if I wanted anything to drink or eat.
I asked her when we would be landing, and she told me it was still hours away until we reached Paris.
When I heard that, I was elated—my heart was racing with excitement the rest of the flight over. ”
I close my eyes and remember the joy I felt.
It was the first thing Arin had ever done that was specifically for me.
Sure, he gave me presents, took care of my finances, and maintained my well-being; but all of those things were done because he enjoyed having full control over me.
He actually listened to me and did something I never would have been able to do on my own.
“When he woke up, I didn’t say anything.
I kept quiet to maintain the surprise because I was afraid of disappointing or upsetting him.
He was usually a calm, collected person, but he had an explosive part of his personality that I was afraid of.
” I sigh, not knowing why I’m bothering to share any of this, but it feels good to talk to someone about my life for the last 13 years.
“The trip was wonderful; I ate so much I would make myself sick, but it was worth it. It was worth it because I got to see how happy it made him. He got to experience showing me something completely new. We saw all the famous sites while he wasn’t working.
Of course, his work always came first,” I whispered that last part.
“I’ll never forget that trip. I think I asked him to go back after, but we never did.
Together, that is. He traveled plenty for work. ”
“Did he ever let you leave the house on your own? See friends, family?”
“No. I never went anywhere without him. He didn’t even allow me to go into certain rooms in the house without his explicit consent. Everything I did was one hundred percent controlled.” I’ve never told anyone that before.
“How did that make you feel, Shay?”
“At the time, it seemed normal. Now I see how fucked up it all was, but I didn’t know any better.
You know?” My voice cracks as I realize that I had wasted all those years being controlled in a way that wasn’t right.
Rayne places his hand over mine and squeezes lightly.
I lean over and place my head on his shoulder; the smell of his cologne or body wash is subtle and comforting.
“It’s okay, little one. I’m going to teach you what a proper relationship like that should look and feel like. You’re strong, smart, and you’ll learn how to take care of yourself again. I promise,” I can feel his voice vibrate through his body as he speaks to me.
“Thank you, Da—Rayne,” I stop myself before I call him Daddy.
Did he notice? Shit, I hope not. Overwhelming guilt washes over me because I’ve allowed myself to trust another man again and almost call him Daddy.
I always promised Arin he would be the only one, but I can’t help feeling like Rayne is the one I’ve always been waiting for.