Pages of Amber

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

“DEEP brEATHS, AMBER. YOU can do this.”

Her fingers cramped, tiny pinpricks shooting through them. She released them from the hem of her sweater and smoothed the front from wrinkles. Beverly had threatened to end her if she ruined the outfit before Noah saw her. The girls had wrangled her before the vanity mirror to slather her pale face with foundation, lip gloss and mascara. Her hair was in a high ponytail, and small hoops earrings clinked her skin when she moved her head. The turtle neck wool sweater complimented the light blue jeans and boots she had on. She felt good in her outfit, but the feeling didn’t extend to the task before her.

“Come on,” she whispered to herself, no doubt looking crazy to the older couple who passed her on the sidewalk. “It’s not that hard. Walk in, find him and tell him…”

Tell him what? That she was sorry and never should’ve insulted him? That she hadn’t meant to throw his words in his face after he’d confided in her. That she hadn’t meant to push him away but she had because she’d been scared he would see how broken she was and walk away himself?

Her fingers cramped in protest as she dug them back into her sweater. He was going to think she was nuts. If he even gave her a chance to say anything.

She imagined his face. Those dark eyes falling on her, matching the dark freckles popping across his nose as he flushed in anger, his mouth tightening, his hands fisting as he’d turn away from her or worse, have Mr. Arthur kick her out of the store. He’d been a regular at the bookstore way before her anyway. He had more right to be here than she did.

On the way over, as Evelyn drove the car she’d borrowed from her older sister, she had said the Hidden Gems was a sanctuary for Noah. He came to the bookstore when he needed a breather, when he wanted to clear his head or just wanted to bury himself in a haven of books until things made a little more sense.

Amber understood that more than Evelyn knew. It was why she’d started coming to the store to hole in a corner to write instead of staying locked up in her room. This was Noah’s safe space, like how her garden was hers. She may have voluntarily let him into hers, but who was to say he wanted her here?

Amber clutched her purse to her as a group of friends shouldered past her. While she got ready, Beverly had filled it with her phone, home keys and some cash. The girls had tried to pep-talk her as they rode to the store. Then they’d hugged her tight and said they would hear all the details tomorrow. Fingers crossed it would be good news. Now if only Amber could find the courage to take the first step into the store.

The door opened and a man stepped out, nearly bumping into Amber. He held a paper bag to his chest and was tucking a receipt into his coat pocket when he lifted his head and saw her. He murmured an apology, his hand going out to hold the door.

“Going in?” he asked.

A heavy swallow slid down her throat. Guess it was now or never. “Yes, thank you.”

The bell dinged when the door shut behind her, leaving Amber in the entryway. She took slow steps past the table displays, her gaze roaming around the cozy store with its black shelves, elegant blue and white scheme, round tables offering seating and the coffee bar in the corner.

“You’re looking for Noah?”

A silent scream left Amber as she stumbled into one of the displays. The books tumbled over, crashing heavily on the floor. The tables were cute additions to the store but placing them in the entryway also made them a hazard.

“I’m so sorry,” she apologized to Mr. Arthur. She’d greeted the elderly man the few times she’d come into the store to write or check out some books. When she had been leaving with Noah the last time, he and the store owner had exchanged banter that indicated a friendly relationship between them.

Mr. Arthur waved her off. “It’s fine. That display has seen better days.”

Amber bent to pick the books. The older man looked her over as he arranged them back in their place.

“You looking for Noah?”

“Uh, yeah.” She pinched the neck of her sweater. “Is he here?”

A gruff noise left the man. “He’s been here all weekend. He’s somewhere at the back, arranging a shelf he’s arranged twice already.”

“Oh.”

“I said I didn’t need him doing all that work and tried to kick him out. The little twat threatened he’d stop shopping here completely.”

Amber hid a snicker. “He did?”

“If you’d imagine it,” Mr. Arthur bellowed. “Said he’ll find someone else who values his hard work and might actually pay him. I should have thrown him out on his butt.”

She couldn’t hold in her laughter at the disgruntled look on his face. Noah was extraordinarily stubborn when he wanted to be. She should know. She had been on the receiving end of it for years before they had gotten closer.

Or at least when they had been closer. The thought sobered her, a frown now pulling on her face.

“I’ll go find him,” she said.

Mr. Arthur hobbled off to the counter. “Check around the Mystery section.”

She nodded and was off, her hands trembling with each step she took. It didn’t take long to find Noah. He leaned against the shelf at the end of the line, his focus on the book in his hand. His expression looked peaceful as he read. The usual scowl was gone. His brows weren’t drawn in boredom or skepticism. He was in a world of his own and Amber couldn’t bear the idea of pulling him out of it for her selfish reasons.

Her courage wilted. Pulling back, she turned to leave when she bumped into someone coming into the same aisle. The woman grunted at the collision, her eyes wide in shock as she peered down at Amber.

“Are you okay?” she asked immediately. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“It’s fine.” What wasn’t fine was how her voice reverberated in the small aisle, successfully bringing Noah’s attention to them. Amber took a deep breath and prepared to face whatever came next.

Noah’s gaze met hers, those dark eyes flashing with something, but he remained in place, not moving as he stared at her. It seemed she had to make the first move. After all, she was the one who had sought him out. The stranger continued past them, leaving the aisle empty as she stood at one end and him on the other. For the first time, the silence between them was uncomfortable and suffocating. Amber wished it would be as simple as waving a wand and returning everything back to last week.

“Hi,” The greeting was low and quiet, sinking into the tension.

Noah said nothing.

“It’s good to see you here.” A nervous laugh left her. “Of course you’d be here. I’m the one who came to meet you. But I probably shouldn’t have come, right? You must hate that I’m here. But I had these thoughts and I wanted to tell you but…”

Deep in her soul, she fought the urge to cringe at the words spilling out of her. What was she saying? She was barely making sense. Amber startled out of her self-recrimination when Noah moved. He shut the book and reached to put it back on the shelf. A wave of panic washed over her, sending warning bells ringing in her head. He was going to leave. He would walk and she’d never get another chance to talk to him, to apologize, to fix this. She needed to say something!

“I’m the worst person ever,” was what tumbled out of her. Noah froze, the book barely in place. He blinked, turning his head in her direction. “I’m the worst person for what I said to you. I’ve been horrible to you from the start. I’ve insulted you, belittled you and yet you chose to tutor me. You opened your heart and your home to me. You’ve shown me more kindness and understanding than anyone I know, Noah. And I threw it all in your face. I don’t know how you can ever forgive me, because I can’t even forgive myself. But please, even if I’ve lost your friendship, even if I've lost you, I want you to know I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. For picking fights with you, for jeopardizing your position, for yelling at you. I’ll be sorry for the rest of my life, but I need you to know that I regret every single thing I did to you.”

Tears streamed down her cheeks, her words stuttering out and accompanied by hiccups. This wasn’t the plan. She wasn’t supposed to garner pity by shedding tears. She had messed it up all over again. She really was the worst. Noah was still silent in the aftermath of her spiel, his gaze now tracking the tears that stained her cheeks.

Would he think she was trying to manipulate him with her tears?

Was he on the verge of telling her to never speak to him again?

Had he closed his heart to her forever?

She was dying to know what was running through his mind. She needed to know if she had lost him or if there was still hope. Her heart hung on by a string. What did it matter if his answer would be the final blow?

“Say something, Noah. Please,” she begged unashamedly. At this point, she was ready to do anything.

“I’m not mad.”

“I know I don’t deserve to ask you to forgive me. I took you for granted when I- what?”

“I’m not mad at you, okay?” At her dazed look, he sighed. His hands raked through his hair, the tired lines on his face tugging at her. “You couldn’t look me in the eyes while you were talking in the infirmary. Not once. That’s how I knew you didn’t mean anything you’d said. It hurt to hear, but it turns out seeing you cry hurt me more. The thought of being mad at you when you weren’t okay… it tore me apart. I couldn’t do it.”

An awkward silence. Amber wasn’t sure what to do, to think, to feel. Her vision clouded with tears.

Noah lifted his shoulders. “I guess it’s your turn to say something.”

She stumbled for words. “You can’t just forgive me. I don’t deserve it. I never should’ve said what I did. I never should’ve hurt you. It’s all my fault–”

“You don’t get to decide that,” Noah cut her off, his voice tight with anger. A muscle jerked in his jaw as he glared at her. Amber stilled, her heart pounding. “You owned up to your fault, but everyone has their choice and I made mine from the moment I walked out of the nurse’s office. You don’t have to condemn yourself for every mistake and stop saying you don’t deserve forgiveness. We make mistakes and we learn from them. We earn our second chance. It’s okay to be flawed, Amber.”

It’s okay to be flawed.

His words crashed against her like a wave on a dry shore, washing Amber of her bitterness, her sadness, her fear of losing him. It carried away a bit of her self-hatred too, leaving her feeling a lot lighter.

Noah had forgiven her. Just like that. She hadn’t needed to cry or beg or bleed or work herself dead. He had simply forgiven her because he had seen the lies in her words, the fake venom she had tried to spew to stop him from seeing more of the mess she was. He’d seen all of it, and he wasn’t judging her for any of it.

“What are you thinking, Amber?”

The call of her name from his lips pierced her heart. His hand grasped hers, his warmth enveloping her. Noah had moved from the end of the aisle, bridging the gap between them. Amber sobbed at the feel of her hand in his. She thought she would never feel it again.

When she was able to talk around her tears, she stammered out, “I-I have to ma-make it up to you. I have to. You’re too good for me, Noah. You’re too–”

“Shh.” He braced his forehead against hers. His free hand came up to her cheeks, slowly wiping at the evidence of her misery and relief. If he continued to be gentle with her, she would sink into his arms forever. His voice was soft, the words between them as he said, “It’s time to start being good to yourself. It’s time to see yourself the way everyone sees you.”

A shaky gasp left her. Her hand came up, grasping his wrist near her cheek, as though pulling him closer. She wanted to savor this moment with him. There wasn’t anywhere she’d rather be, even if it was in the middle of the Mystery aisle at Hidden Gems. As long as she was with Noah, she didn’t care.

A thought speared her mind. Was this love? This overwhelming sense of comfort and acceptance and warmth that he clouded her in. Was this the feeling she had searched for all these years to fill the ache in her?

She didn’t know for sure. But if it was, she wasn’t eager to escape it any time soon.

She was wrapped up in his arms, her head tucked in his neck, her hands grasping his slung over her shoulder. She was in a Noah bubble and she never wanted to leave.

The jerk of the taxi brought in reality. They were on the street leading up to Noah’s home to drop him off. After leaving the bookstore, they’d called a cab and got in where Noah had explained that his older brother was in town and using the truck for a few days. Amber was glad it gave her an excuse to snuggle Noah.

The car ride came to a stop a little too quickly. Noah untangled himself, a matching look of discontent on his face that she knew was clear on hers. She had never felt this clingy with anyone before.

“I gotta go,” Noah muttered, his brows pulled low.

Amber nodded, unable to say anything past the rock in her throat. He read her easily, though. Leaning forward, he pressed a kiss to her forehead and stepped out. He stepped towards the front window to pay the fare when she came to herself.

“Tell your mom I said hi!” she blurted.

Her lip pinched between her teeth when Noah stilled, his hand hovering on the door. Did he not want her talking about his mom? Was he still mad at her? She hated the insecurity that plagued her even after everything they’d shared at Hidden Gems. Where was the former confident Amber?

Noah paid the driver and his head ducked back at her door, dark locks flopping over his eyes. The small smile on his face sent a wave of relief over her.

“I think she’d love it more if it came from you. Why don’t you come in?”

Her palms slicked immediately. “Wait, what? I don’t have to come in. You’ve probably had enough of me. I’ll leave you to your space.”

“Amber.” His name fell firmly from his lips, cutting off her rambling. It rubbed her the wrong way to hear Noah say her name. His gaze was steady when it met hers. “I want you here. I like you everywhere in my space. So, come in.”

The sigh that left Amber was a swoon mixed with deep relief. Taking his hand, she hauled herself out of the backseat, stepping right into Noah’s arms. His left arm wrapped around her, while the other shut the door and waved off the driver.

“I’ll come, but only if you call me m’lady again,” she whispered.

When he looked down at her, Amber’s heart soared at the boyish smile stamped onto his face. The one he reserved for his friends, the one he’d begun to frequently show to the world. The one she loved the most because it meant he was happy.

He leaned in, his breath ghosting the tendrils of her hair.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, m’lady.”

“You’re here! It’s so good to see you again!” Mrs. Rhodes squealed. “Ronan, come meet our guest,” she yelled up the stairs as she ushered Amber towards the open-plan living room left of the staircase. “Noah, can you get Amber a glass of orange juice?”

“Yes, mom,” He drawled, his eyes catching Amber’s over his mom’s shoulder. He gave Amber an exaggerated pout that made her giggle.

“You don’t have to go out of your way, Mrs. Rhodes,” she said as she sat on the soft blue couch.

Noah’s mom gasped dramatically. Her hair bobbed in its bun as she shook her head in time with her words. “Of course I do. My eldest is back home for the weekend before his exams. It’s great having my boys under the same room but I can’t help feeling outnumbered. Thank God you’re here.”

Amber giggled. “I’m glad to be here.” Her smile dimmed. “I don’t know if Noah told you what happened. I was scared you’d hate me.”

“Look at me, dear.” Her hand squeezed Amber’s. “I know my son. He doesn’t talk about a lot of things that bother him and I’ve learned not to push until he’s ready. His worry was clear when he told me about your injured ankle but he wouldn’t say any more about you. You’ll both be adults soon. I trust you both to solve your issues. Tell me, was I right to do that?”

Amber was already nodding. “Yes, completely. It was all my fault, and I should have apologized earlier, but I was scared. It took an intervention from my friends to make me see that I had to be brave for myself.”

“Good friends always give the best advice. Everyone needs help along the way, Amber. As long as you’re open to the right help and follow your heart.”

Her heart had led her right to Noah.

“How is your ankle, by the way?”

Amber glanced down at her feet, feeling the heavy bandage wrapped around her ankle. “It’s been healing nicely so far.” Until she’d set it back with her reckless dancing against the doctor’s strict orders.

They were interrupted by loud stomps on the stairs followed by groaning. A guy stepped into the living room, musing his dark hair over his forehead.

“You said we have a–” He paused when his gaze landed on her. “Oh, it’s a pretty guest.” The cheshire grin on his face was jarring. It was like looking at a jovial, sunshine version of Noah.

“I’m Amber. It’s nice to finally meet you.” She smiled.

Ronan raised his hand for a shake. “It’s definitely nice to meet you.”

“Paws off.” Noah appeared at her side, smacking his brother’s hand.

Ronan pulled his hand away with a yelp. He shot a glance between them, his smile growing wider. “I see. She’s your guest.” The way he said it made it obvious he enjoyed pulling his brother’s leg. “As I was saying before I got interrupted, I’m Ronan, the handsome brother, the one in college and the one who owns a truck.”

“Technically, you don’t own it since Mom and Dad got it for me. I let you borrow it.” Noah glared at his brother.

“Noah didn’t fail to mention you,” she said. “It’s your fault he had to ride home in a taxi.”

“Only Noah would think to bring a pretty girl home in a taxi,” Ronan remarked loudly enough for Noah to hear as he handed Amber the glass.

“You took my truck,” Noah grumbled.

“All I hear are excuses.”

Amber tried not to laugh as she sipped on her orange juice. She checked the time on her phone and moved to stand. “Thank you for having me. But I need to be on my way.”

Her announcement was met with protests all round. Noah blocked her in as Mrs. Rhodes locked her fingers under her chin.

“Stay for dinner. Please.”

And they all had puppy eyes. Amber sighed in defeat. There was no way she could say no. In fact, absolutely no part of her wanted to.