Pages of Amber

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

SUNLIGHT STREAMED THROUGH THE windows, streaking across the pine green bedspread. She watched the curtains dance against the motion of the air that filtered in, a dull ache pulsating in her ankle. Spring had snuck up while she wallowed in her bedroom back home. She wondered about her garden. Were her flowers waiting to embrace the season only to remain thirsty and unkempt because she had abandoned them?

Amber shut her swollen eyes. She had been up since four am, unable to find relief even in sleep. She’d pretended to be asleep when Noah had snuck in to check on her before leaving for school. He’d been amazing the past four days. Kind, gentle, a shoulder she could lean on. The doubt began to creep in again. How much longer would he wait for an explanation?

The smell of something delicious had been drifting through the door for a while. Her stomach rumbled for the nth time since she had skipped breakfast, prompting her to finally get up. Every part of her ached as she climbed off the bed and made her way out of the room. When Beverly and Evelyn had found her last week, she had injured her toes and set back her ankle’s healing. Then, she had worsened it by walking to Noah’s house barefoot, scraping her feet in the process. She was a mess, both inside and out.

If only her father could see her. He would be heartbroken.

“Hungry?”

The question pulled her attention to the kitchen where Mrs. Rhodes sat at the counter, sipping a cup of coffee. “I kept your breakfast warm.”

Amber crossed the room to the counter, the bottom of her feet still smarting when she stepped hard.

“Thank you,” she said as Mrs. Rhodes shut the laptop before her and pushed a plate of scrambled eggs and toasted bread to Amber. Her gaze flitted over the woman as she bustled around the kitchen, pulling ingredients here and there.

“I’m thinking of making rice with romesco sauce and fried chicken for lunch. What do you think?”

Amber’s stomach rumbled in response. “That sounds really good.”

Mrs. Rhodes shot her another smile. “I could use a little help. If you’re willing to join me?”

Honestly, it would be the least Amber could do after this kind woman had accepted her, allowed her to stay in her home and provided her with meals and clothes until Dottie could bring her own. Mrs. Rhodes had been a constant shadow around Amber the past few days. They had formed a sort of routine where Amber came down for breakfast, helped Mrs. Rhodes with chores, then they sat outside on the deck until Noah returned from school. Ronan had gone back to college for his semester papers before the long holiday.

“I’d love to,” Amber answered. Her gaze fell on the laptop as she dug into her meal. A burning question had been on her tongue since the first morning she’d woken up here. “You work from home?”

Noah’s mom threw a glance over her shoulder as she set a pot on the stove. “Oh no, dear. I took a few days off from work. It was short notice but my boss had to agree that I hardly take time off.”

Amber blinked. “Short notice?”

“Well I wasn’t going to leave you in a strange house by yourself after the night you had.” Her gaze on Amber softened. “I’m here if you need a gal pal to listen, okay?”

The food soured in her mouth as tears filled her vision. They came easily these days, sneaking up on her and leaving her weak after each crying bout. Mrs. Rhodes rounded the counter immediately, settling in the seat beside Amber as she patted her hair in comfort.

Her unrelenting support pushed the words out of Amber.

“It was such a horrible fight,” she sniffled. “She was talking about sending me to Europe and I felt so sick and tired of her control over my life. I yelled. She yelled back. And then…” The tears came harder as the memory hit her all over again.

“Because you killed him. You killed my husband!”

“Take your time,” Mrs. Rhodes swept her hair off her shoulder. The gentle caress calmed Amber enough to hold back the tears.

“My dad died when I was eleven. He’d just enrolled me at Redmington and at the Fleur Elysian Theatre when he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It wasn’t malignant at that point but the doctors advised he should get surgery. The treatment made him a shell of who he was, but we had hope that the surgery would put an end to it. Mom was over the moon when we were able to get the best doctors to come in for the surgery. But a few days before that, I had my first ballet performance coming up. I wanted him to come so bad.”

“Was he on bed rest?”

Amber nodded. “But he fought against his nurse and came anyway. I was ecstatic when I saw him in the second row. And after the performance, he gave me the biggest hug. I wish I’d known it would be the last hug I’d ever receive from him.”

“Oh, Amber.” Mrs. Rhodes sympathized. “What happened?”

Her throat was tight, fighting against her next words. “We returned to the hospital and we talked for hours until I fell asleep holding his hand. I woke up to my mom screaming and nurses rushing into the room.” Amber squeezed her eyes shut, replaying the devastation on her mother’s face. “She hates me. She never forgave me for taking him from her. For so long, I thought I had to be good, be obedient and make her proud, but it was never about earning her love. I didn’t realize I was dead to her.”

Her heart was torn in pieces, bitterness and regret welling up in her. “It’s my fault. I broke our home. I broke her.”

“Don’t say that,” Mrs. Rhodes chastised in a firm voice, despite the tears that had slipped from her eyes as she listened to Amber. “You are not at fault. You were only a child.”

“But I should have known better. He isn’t here because of me. She had every right to blame me, to hate me.”

“No, she doesn’t. Listen to me, Amber. She is your mother but that doesn’t excuse her actions or justify the cruel things she’s done to you. If she could bring someone as amazing as you into this world and be blind to it, then it’s her loss. Not yours. Never blame yourself for the inadequacy of others. You deserve more than that.”

Her words hit Amber in the softest part of her. She barely knew this woman who had shown her more kindness than her own mother. Her heart numbered for the affection she had been starved of her whole life, but another part of her was scared it would be dangled in her face only to be snatched away.

“Why are you so kind to me? I haven’t done anything to deserve it.”

“You know, it’s the person who thinks they are undeserving that actually needs kindness the most.” Mrs. Rhodes smiled at her. “You opened our eyes to our faults as parents, you make my Noah happy and you fit in my home like you’ve belonged here from the start.”

Amber’s heart soared at her words. She’d never had a strong sense of belonging but it began to take root in her as she basked in the feeling of rightness.

You fit. You’ve belonged here from the start.

Maybe it didn’t matter if she never went back to her house when she’d found a home to call hers.

“You have a beautiful soul, Amber. I saw it from the first moment we met. From all I see, you’ve more than earned your fair share of kindness. Lucky for you, in this home, there’s always extra to share.”

At the knock, Amber sprang to her feet. Mrs. Rhodes laid a comforting hand on her shoulder before she crossed the floor to invite Dottie in.

The sight of Dottie in the entryway, dark shadows and worry etched on her face, Amber crumpled. She rushed over, forgetting the ache in her feet and fell into Dottie’s arms, racking sobs escaping her. Dottie squeezed her tight, running her hands over Amber’s back. Having her here both broke and mended something in Amber. As she calmed down, Mrs. Rhodes invited Dottie in, grabbing the two duffel bags she’d brought. Mrs. Rhodes escorted them out to the patio and left them to talk in private.

“How is she?” Amber blurted as soon as she sat down. “Is she okay?”

“Easy there.” Dottie shushed, pulling her chair closer. She bracketed her arms around her, easing Amber’s head to her shoulders. “Let me hold you first. I’ve missed you so much.”

Her eyes fell shut, tears slipping past them. Poor Dottie. She couldn’t imagine what she and her mom must be putting Dottie through by placing her in the middle.

“How are you? You've lost some weight,” Dottie commented. “You haven’t been eating.”

“You can tell from squeezing me?” A small laugh escaped her.

“And the bones of your shoulder keep digging into me,” Dottie joked. She gave her another squeeze. “Your mama… she’s going through some things. We both know she’d been running from demons, but you made her face them. I say it’s about time.”

Amber sat up, meeting the older woman’s eyes in surprise. “But I shouldn’t have pushed her so hard. I’m the reason she’s like this. She said it.”

“Don’t listen to any of that.” Dottie palmed her cheek. “People say anything when it comes from a place of hurt. Your mom’s been swimming in pain for so many years that what she knows is bitterness. Grief turns a person into a shadow of themselves. I came into your home thinking I needed to keep your heads above water, to stop the both of you from sinking into despair. I was wrong. I should have made you face the truth. No matter how fast you run, grief will always be faster. Until you learn to beat it.”

“Is she beating it?”

Dottie smiled sadly. “She’s trying to. I saw a box of his old photographs in her room yesterday.”

“She has his pictures?” Amber gasped. “I thought she threw everything out. She wouldn't even let me talk about him.”

“Because the pain was all she knew. You kept his memory alive within you and in your greenhouse. You saw the light in the darkness. Your mom never looked for the light. I thought I could help her find it, but I failed.”

She grasped onto Dottie’s hand, unwilling to let her take the blame. “I failed her, too/ I gave up trying to help her. I wasn’t showing her the way, I was forcing her to see me, acknowledge me. I was thinking of myself when I should have been thinking of her.”

“That’s a lot to bear on your shoulders,” Dottie said. “You've dealt with more than someone your age should. You’ve fought these battles when you should have enjoyed your childhood and made fun memories as a teenager. I said it before and I’ll say it again. You are strong and incredible.” She patted Amber’s cheek. “But it’s time to move forward for yourself. It’s time to live for you. Not for anyone else.”

Where would she start from? What did living for herself even mean? She’d always moved in the direction her mom wanted, bent to her will when she wished and had done everything possible on a mission to keep her happy. Would she be able to separate that part of her from the one who wanted to be a normal teenager working toward her dream?

“What about my mom?”

“You leave her to me. I’m going to do what I should have done years ago. In the meantime, I brought you this.” Reaching into her bag, Dottie pulled out Amber’s phone. In her blind rush to leave home, she hadn’t taken a single thing with her. Dottie pulled out a bundle of papers and a familiar notebook that set her heart racing. “And this.”

Amber gaped at her literature analysis assignment, the one that had started it all. The title blurred as tears rushed forward. “My assignment. My journal.” She hugged the book to her chest. “Where did you find it?”

Dottie chuckled. “I’m a nosy old lady alone in a big house when you go to school. I hope you don’t mind that I read your other stories, too.”

Amber shook her head. It wasn’t like there was anything she could do about it now. Dottie leaned in. “My favorite is this one about the girl with the fading light and the boy who helped keep her aflame even though he’s living in the darkness. Does it have an ending? I’m dying to read it.”

A small smile curved her lips. She hadn’t known where the plot would lead when she started that story. Until Noah had discovered it at the bookstore. Their night at the meadow had inspired her more than he knew. Not only did she want to finish the book, but she would give it a happy ending.

Her smile widened at the realization that struck her. She didn’t have to search for a way to live for herself.

She’d had the answer in the palm of her hands all this time.

“Guess what?” Noah flopped onto the rug beside her. “I bumped into Mrs. Wilson at school. She asked about you and how you were feeling. Then, she told me to tell you that she and Principal Ellis want to see you after school tomorrow.”

A pit formed in her stomach. “What do you think it’s about?”

“No idea, but she was smiling so I took that as a good sign.” He shook his head. “Oh, I almost forgot. She asked that you bring along your assignment too. I’m hoping that means she’ll grade it for you.”

“You think?” Amber asked hesitantly. She’s had it in her mind that she might have to repeat the year. Or plead with the principal so she could re-sit the midterms and write her final exams in the summer, when everyone else would be celebrating heading off to college. “I don’t think I can salvage my school work after everything I missed.”

“No bad thoughts.” Noah tipped her chin. “We’ll hope for the best and plan for the worst. It’ll be fine.”

Amber wanted to believe him. Leaning against his shoulder, she remembered she also had news to share.

“Guess what?”

He looked at her expectantly.

“You’re supposed to guess, Noah.” She huffed when he raised a brow, a tiny smirk dancing on his face. “Spoilsport. Anyway, Dottie came by. We talked for a while and she brought my journal for me. You know, the one you illegally read from and proceeded to use as leverage to learn my secrets.” At least he had the grace to look embarrassed about it. “I came to a decision.”

At her dramatic pause, he sighed. “Are you going to tell me about it?”

She snickered, but decided to put him out of his misery. her heart never so certain as she was in that moment. “I want to finish writing my book and try to get it published. I want people to read my stories. No more hiding. I’m ready to chase my dream of being an author.”

Noah blinked, his eyes wide. Then a smile lit up his face. “Amber, that’s incredible.”

She grew shy under his praise. Although her mind and heart were in complete agreement, she couldn’t help the pinch of doubt. It was a huge leap she was taking outside of everything she had been confined to. “You don’t think it sounds silly? What if I can’t do it?”

“I wouldn’t believe that for a second.” Noah was quick to shut down those doubts. “You succeed at everything you put your mind to. You’re an amazing friend, you love to help people, you’re a talented dancer and a brilliant writer. You’re choosing to share another gift with the world, and this one will be your greatest treasure yet because it’s coming right from the heart of who you are. It’s your truth written in your own words. The pages of Amber in all its glory.”

“I was excited about it before, but you made it sound even more magical.” She smiled at him, half wondering if he could see the stars in her eyes. Her heart had melted down to goo in her chest.

“Then maybe I found a talent for myself. You’re already way ahead of me in that department. I have to catch up if I’m gonna prove myself worthy of you.”

Did she say her heart was goo? The rest of her joined the melted mass as she sunk into Noah’s side, cuddling into him on his bedroom floor.