Chapter Fourteen
T he next morning, Deirdre was up—but not at ’em by any stretch of the imagination. She sipped on her morning coffee and settled into her office chair, not even remotely enthusiastic about a day of hospital meetings and policy development.
Concentrating would be a challenge. Same with staying awake. She had tossed and turned all night, with so many truths she had kept hidden for years, even from herself, tumbling through her brain.
She couldn’t betray Elijah’s memory. He had been a good partner, even if their early love had quickly mellowed to affection and friendship.
And yet…
With a soft sob, she pressed a hand to her chest, remembering the end.
Stay , Elijah had said a few days before passing away.
He had held out his thin hand for her.
Stay.
The whispered word, the quiet and desperate need for her to be with him in those last moments, burned into her mind.
True to her promise, Deirdre had remained at his side until he was gone.
For an hour after that, she had sat there, his cooling hand grasped in hers.
Elijah wasn’t here anymore. Hadn’t been in a long time.
Calvin was here. But not for long.
What did she want?
What had she wanted, those years ago, when everything was possible and both Calvin and Elijah held special places in her young heart? That was the impossible question.
She took a fortifying sip of coffee and dropped her head in her hands, rubbing her forehead with her fingertips.
“Knock, knock, is this a closed meeting?” Mav poked his head in, his big grin dropping to a frown of concern. “You okay, sis?”
“Fine.” She motioned to the chair in front of her desk. “Come on in. What can I do for you?”
“Nuh-uh. You’re not pulling the administrator crap on your brother.” He sprawled in the office chair and rested a booted ankle on the opposite knee. “Spill.”
“Since when do you say spill?”
“Since I have an amazing and hip girlfriend who has opened my eyes to the value of sharing.”
“I’m fine.”
“That’s not an answer.” He rested his hands on his stomach, ready to stay for a while. “So?”
Deirdre wrapped her hands around the coffee mug, as if the mug was a flotation device that would keep her head above the cold water of the thoughts that dragged at her. “Just busy.”
“That’s also not going to fly. I’ve seen you busy before. Even doing a million things at once, you’re the calmest, steadiest person in the room.” He pointed at her. “This is not calm or steady. This is upset. Your eyes are all red.”
“Since when did you get in touch with other people’s feelings, Mav? You don’t even get in touch with your own feelings.” Okay, that last bit was harsh, and maybe less true these days. She took another sip of coffee, glaring at it when she didn’t immediately perk up. “It’s not nice to comment on people’s appearances. I didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Because of?” His light brown eyebrows waggled. “Any juicy news?” He froze, then narrowed his eyes. “Do I need to hurt someone for you?”
She almost laughed. Almost. “Nothing like that.” Actually, pretty much like that. Which was the problem. She ground her teeth. “I was thinking a lot.”
“Thinking about what?”
“Lots of things.”
“Such as?”
“You’re being annoying.”
He grinned, and for a flash she saw him as her kid brother, circa age thirteen. In the present, though, she wanted to pummel him for getting into her business.
He said, “I can do this all day long, Dee. I got a million more questions I can ask and nothing but time. Shift ended an hour ago.”
“Crap.”
“Or you can keep talking. It might be good for you.”
“Come on, Mav.”
He buffed his nails on his medic jacket and somehow relaxed his big frame further into the seat. “Try again.”
Where to begin?
She rubbed her forehead. “It’s Calvin.”
“Before we go any further, do I need to beat him up?”
“What? No!”
Steepling his fingers like the sage he absolutely was not, he nodded gravely, “Yup.”
“Yup? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Means I might be a meathead and your brother but have eyes and a brain and can put two and two together. Could you and Calvin be any more obvious?”
“No.”
“Um, yes.”
“Seriously, there’s nothing going on.”
“But I can see—”
She huffed. “It’s fake.”
“Huh?” His jaw hung open.
Leaning on her elbows, she motioned at him. “We’re pretending to see each other so that people like you stop bugging us. His folks are driving him up the wall with twenty questions about his future plans. You and everyone in this hospital keep prying into my personal life and setting me up with anyone in the greater Yukon Valley area who’s unattached and in my target age group.”
“That’s like three people.” He closed one eye and stared at the ceiling for a second. “Five if you’re flexible on gender.”
Despite herself, she snorted. “Anyway, it’s all a sham.”
“Clearly, it’s not working.”
“What isn’t working?”
“Your little plan didn’t get me off your back. My interest is way higher now. I’m guessing that Bruce and Aggie are no less invested than before. They’ll just bother Calvin with different annoying questions now. But go on with your story.” He wiggled his big fingers and lifted his chin, like a target that begged her to pop him right there . He sat still, not saying a word. It amazed her how he weaponized silence, but she couldn’t deny her little brother.
In the end, Deirdre and Mav were ride or die for each other.
Leaning on one armrest, she said, “So you know how people have been nagging me about my dating life? Calvin’s been getting the same treatment from his parents and now from coworkers. We both got tired of it, so we formed a little team to combat the nagging. End of story.”
“Denial isn’t the same as Denali.”
She reared back. “What kind of dumb saying is that?”
He pretended to be offended. “One I made up on the spot.”
“It doesn’t make sense.”
“It does to me. Go on. Tell me more about your relationship, please.”
“Mav!” She slapped the desk. “There is no relationship. That’s what I’m trying to explain. Calvin and I are old friends and current coworkers, pretending to lightly date so that we get a break from the whisper network.”
“Whisper network?” He leaned forward and pinned her with an I-have-a-secret stare. “That sounds illicit and juicy.”
“Like you don’t know. How did you like it when you had to wait for Lee to decide if she wanted to stay and be with you? And everyone—literally everyone—in EMS, fire, and the hospital were constantly asking you for updates?”
He flicked a frayed area of leather on the armrest. “As I recall, you were one of the people bugging me. Shoe’s on the other foot now.”
“No.” She paused. Okay, yes, she had encouraged her brother to embrace the possibility of a future with Lee while also giving her time to sort out her feelings. The wait was healthy for him. Built character. “My advice was for a good cause. You and Lee are happy together.”
“Why is this different?”
“Because whatever people think that Calvin and I have, it isn’t real. We’re using each other as a cover to survive until after the Breakup Festival and he gets his parents squared away. Then he’s going back to Seattle.”
Mav cocked his head to the side and propped his chin on his fist. “How do you feel about that?”
She smashed the twinge in her chest and set her jaw against the rush of eyelid-burning emotion. “Perfectly fine. That was the deal.”
“Deals can change.”
“Not this one.”
“What if it could change? If there’s a chance for you two? Would you want that?”
She rubbed the prickles of irritation forming on the back of her neck. “It’s a moot point.”
“If it wasn’t a moot point, what would keep you from trying?”
Another wave of emotions and memories swamped her, and she swallowed a hard lump. “My past is messy. I took a chance on someone and look how it turned out.”
“That’s a cop-out, sis. You and Elijah had more than ten good years together. Yes, he was gone too soon, and it wasn’t enough time. Yes, I miss him. You miss him. We can’t bring him back, which sucks.”
“I… Elijah, then Mom and Dad. It’s been a lot. My heart can only take so much.”
“And?”
It took a moment to unclamp her jaw. “I can’t go through another loss like that, Mav. Not again.”
“There’s the truth.” His smile was warm but sad.
Understandable as they both missed their parents.
“I’ve got a lot of baggage to carry.”
“The right person can help with the load.”
“He’s leaving.”
“Or not. You don’t know for sure.” He lifted a hand when she started to speak. “Grief doesn’t go away, but you can grow your heart around it to make more room.”
She closed one eye and stared at him. Who was this guy and what happened to her little brother? “Oh my gosh, so cheesy. Was that Dr. Phil?”
He shook his head. “Podcast on grief.”
“Look at you, working through emotions.”
“Yeah, you should try it one day.”
“Sure.”
“Don’t sure me, Dee.” He pushed to his feet, stepped around the desk, and leaned down to haul her into a hug around her shoulders that triggered more burning behind her eyelids. Stupid younger brother with a stupid hug being stupid and comforting. “If you won’t risk anything, then will you ever truly be alive and whole again?”
“That’s deep.”
“I want you to be happy.”
“Same here.”
“I am. Thanks in some part to my meddling sister.” He patted her on the shoulder and headed to the door. “You’re solid with everything you do, sis. You’ve got this.”
“There’s nothing to get.”
As he opened the door, he glanced back. “It’s scary, but sometimes you’ve gotta decide that you’re worth the risk and take a chance on yourself.”