28. Paige
28
Paige
I ’m breathing hard like he is while figuring out where the offending noise is coming from. Looking behind me, I notice Rhodes’ thimble-sized car is right there. He must have pushed me back against the passenger door, and it decided to go off.
Remind me to murder his car later.
Or thank it. I can’t figure out how I feel yet.
My glasses are askew on my face, so I right them, along with my shirt and wits. I can’t believe I just kissed my best friend, and he kissed me back. So hard. So good . Who knew Rhodes could kiss like that? I sure as hell didn’t.
Who is he practicing with? Delia? No. He doesn’t like her. He likes me.
I should be relieved that Rhodes and Roger are the same person. My problems are solved. Except for the fact Rhodes lied to me. Don’s words to focus on myself for a hot minute don’t make me feel like anything is solid. I’m on the brink of upheaval, and I know it.
Rhodes fumbles for his keys hooked to his belt loop at his hip and turns off the alarm blaring in our ears. Like my dream, alarms are always getting in the way .
Placing a hand over my racing heart, I try to make sense of the last hour—I mean three minutes. Time is a fickle thing, a slippery fish I can’t grab hold of. He’s the guy I’ve been talking to for the last week and who I’ve known my whole life. He flirted with me. I flirted with him as Roger and Rhodes.
Does that mean I like my best friend?
Maybe the purpose of this whole experiment was to teach me I need to be okay being me first. I’ve never done that before. I’m used to being with someone, relying on another person to regulate how I feel about myself.
Who does that?
I don’t want to be that girl.
I definitely don’t want to be that girl with Rhodes of all people, but I don’t think I know how not to be. And I really want to know. I want to kiss him like that again. I want to do a hell of a lot more. But it isn’t fair to him or me.
“Rhodes,” I finally say, but it’s little more than a whisper.
His shoulders shrug, and the joy that was on his face starts to fade. “Please, don’t say it. Don’t do this.”
I swallow back the tears pushing forward like a lineman. “I need to…think. This is all happening too fast. I thought I was meeting Roger, but then Don had to go and inspire me, and now I’m not sure what I want, or if I want to be with anyone. Not because of you but because of me. I know it sounds like I’m feeding you a line, but I swear I’m not. I just need a minute.”
He takes a step closer, and I take a step back. The problem is that there aren’t a lot of places to go, and I end up bumping into his car and setting off the alarm again .
Rushing to turn it off, he steps closer until our toes are nearly touching. “Don’t do this, Paige. Please. I know I’m not the only one who felt that kiss.”
He’s right. He wasn’t. But I also hate admitting it since this is the worst possible time for this to happen. I’m a mess. My life is…confusing. I’ve never had a grown-up career. There’s enough money in my bank account to move out, but I hate the thought of living on my own, being alone. And getting a car means going places, and that’s the last thing I’m doing.
Plus, he lied , and I don’t like that.
I’ve lived a comfortable life so far with very little risk, and my reward for it has been paid in the form of shitty relationships and very little independence.
I want to be like Don.
I want to travel and eat questionable food. I want to meet new people and stay in cool places. I want to figure myself out and decide on a career I can settle into. But I can’t do any of that while staying here, in this town, with my parents, with Rhodes, in my bubble.
If I want to learn how to be okay on my own, I have to take the first step.
Rhodes is right. That kiss meant something. But I can’t even begin to decipher what that is right now. I want it to mean more than just the flings I’ve had in the past, but I can’t do that as the woman in my skin right now.
It isn’t the right time.
I raise a hand and rest it on Rhodes’ chest right above his heart. “I can’t do this.”
“Please.” He rests his forehead on mine then knocks our noses.
His mouth is so close, and I’m caught back in that trance once again as he presses light pecks on my mouth. I kiss him back because I don’t think I possess the ability to deny him now. He tries to deepen the kiss again, gripping my waist and begging for me to get lost. I consider it.
But this is my best friend, and he isn’t just another guy I want to get lost in.
I press both hands to his chest and push back, breaking our kiss and keeping my eyes on anything other than his so I don’t have to see how badly I’ve hurt him. I can’t stand it.
“Please, Rhodes.” Now I’m the one begging.
“This can’t be how this ends,” he says solemnly, hands now on his hips and a step away from me.
I curl my lips in. “It has to be. We’re just friends.”
“Don’t say that! We aren’t just friends. We’re more. We always have been!” he yells, frantically raking hands through his hair, knocking the hat off his head, and pacing in front of me. I’m hurting him, and it breaks my heart. One kiss was all it took to break us up. We can’t be that fickle. We aren’t these people.
I reach for his hands, pulling them away from his rumpled hair, and he lets me. “Rhodes, listen to me.”
Tears fill his eyes as he looks down at me, but he nods.
It takes every bit of my resolve not to fold. We can’t both be seconds from falling apart.
“I need you to listen to me,” I hear myself saying again. “This isn’t good timing. I need to think. You need to think. We can’t just rush into anything. I’ve done that before, but you’re different. You’re not just another guy. Okay?” My voice is pleading. “And you owe me at least an ice cream a day for the rest of my life for that lie.”
He takes a moment to respond but nods with a barely-there tone of voice, “Okay. For the ice cream and…ti me.”
I drop his hands, and he stares longingly at where we were once connected.
“I’m going to call Constance to pick me up, and we’ll talk about this more tomorrow.” Words are just falling out of my mouth before I really know what I’m saying.
“Don’t call her. I can take you home.” He’s already reaching for his keys.
The road noise has become louder after coming out of the dream we created in each other for a short time. “I think it’s going to be better to give us some…space.”
“I don’t need space,” he says in a frustrated tone.
“I do.”
At my words, he looks up and studies me, nodding like he agrees even though I know he doesn’t. It’s then I know for certain Rhodes would do just about anything for me. Even if that means denying what he really wants for what I do.
He slips into the driver’s seat, and I pull out my phone to text Constance. She told me she’d be at the beauty supply store down the road in case Roger ended up being an ax murderer. Turns out, he’s not. Just my best friend of all time admitting feelings for me.
Maybe an ax murderer would’ve been preferable…
Slipping my phone back in my pocket, I blow out a heavy breath and look out for Constance to show. Rhodes pulls out and heads for the main street while I wait for my world to be still once again.
But that isn’t going to happen.
It only spins faster, and now I’m dizzy.