Chapter 13 #2
Benson’s cheek is reddened, the one he had resting against me. His hand moves from my waist to my leg, his fingers tracing a seam almost unconsciously. I work hard not to let on how much the touch is affecting me.
“I know it’s just a kiss,” Benson says at last. “But… I’ve never had a first kiss that didn’t feel like I was checking off a to-do list. I don’t want it to be like that. Something…expected.”
My breath leaves me on a slow exhale. “That’s a damn good reason to wait.”
His eyes meet mine. “Is it?”
“Yeah.” Lifting my hands, I make sure I have his full attention. ‘I’ll happily wait for that.’
He nods before running a palm roughly over his face. “Second kiss, technically. In our situation.”
I wince slightly. “Did I fuck that up?”
“What?” His eyes snap to mine, his fingers pinching in a quick no. “I don’t think we’d be here otherwise. I had no idea…” He peters out, waving to me in explanation.
“No idea I wanted to climb you like a tree?” I supply.
His eyes widen. “Jesus,” he chokes out, seeming to struggle for words. “You’re not a squirrel.”
I drop my head back with a groan. “Fuck, Ben. You make it too easy.”
“Too easy for what?”
Smile on my face, I drag my gaze his way and wink. “I do like nuts, though.”
It takes him a second, and then he flushes.
“Too much?” I ask around a chuckle.
He shakes his head. “You’re not too much, Remi. I’ll never tell you you’re too much.”
My chest pings at that. At the fierce protectiveness in his tone I suspect has to do with how he’s felt most of his life.
I lift my hand slowly before running my fingers through Benson’s hair. He stills for only a second, his gaze meeting mine, curious and—more than that—hopeful. “I want to know you, too,” I tell him truthfully. “You don’t have to hide around me, okay?”
His eyes move slowly between my own. “Sometimes I shut down.”
“Okay?” I say softly.
“I’ve never let myself do that in front of someone. Not fully. It’s like… I need to reboot. I need everything to turn off for a little while until I’m ready for the world to return.”
I slide my hand down to his neck, squeezing gently. “All right.”
“And I try to be careful about what I say, but every once in a while, a thought gets free before I can run it through my head. I don’t mean to be rude, so I apologize in advance if I come off that way.”
“No apologies necessary.”
“And I swear everyone has this social rulebook that I don’t understand.
Like small talk? I don’t fucking get it.
It’s so pointless. Steph says there’s a reason for it.
Like, micro-cues? Gathering information?
It doesn’t work like that for me. I either keep to myself, which is normal, or I overshare.
And with you, I think I’ve been oversharing a lot.
So I’m sorry about that. If I cross a line, please tell me. I don’t know where the lines are.”
“Hey,” I say lightly, wrapping my other hand around Benson’s neck so he’s cradled in my grip.
Slowly, giving him time to pull away, I lean forward and press a kiss to his cheek.
His hand lands on my waist again, squeezing tight.
“Every little bit I’ve learned about you only makes me want to know more.
I appreciate you telling me these things, Ben.
But you don’t need to come with a warning label, all right? ”
Easing out a breath, Benson opens his mouth, his words so low I have to watch for them. “I didn’t even get to the part about choking hazards.”
Surprised and more than a little delighted, I lean back and catch his eye. “Was that…a dick joke?”
“Oh, God,” Benson mutters, seemingly embarrassed by his own quip.
I chuckle, shifting my hands to his shoulders. “Share all you want,” I tell him seriously. “Just don’t apologize for it. Not any of it.”
His forehead scrunches. “I can’t promise that, Remi. If I hurt you, even unintentionally, it’s only right to apologize.”
Christ, this man. “Fine. So long as that apology doesn’t hurt you in the process.”
He mulls that over, his gaze on where his fingers are lightly twisting my shirt. Seeming to catch himself, he lets the clothing go, his hand falling back to his own lap. “Fuck, I’m a mess around you.”
“I like it,” I admit. “That you know you can be.”
His next words nearly break my heart. “I tend to lose people. I don’t know how to keep them.”
“Benjamin,” I groan.
Benson’s eyes flash to mine. “That’s not my name.”
“I know,” I say with a soft chuckle, even as my chest aches. I give Benson’s own chest a pat before reclaiming my hand. “The good news is I’m persistent, so I don’t think you have to worry about that. The bad news is I desperately want to smother you right now.”
“I…don’t understand.”
“I know,” I breathe. “I’m sad, Ben. That you’ve felt that way. And I want to make it better.”
“You could tell me more about the chicks while we work.”
“Yeah?” I ask, my smile returning.
Benson’s own is slight, but it’s a far cry better than how he showed up this afternoon. Was that him close to being shut down? Considering he came from a therapy session, it wouldn’t surprise me. That has to be mentally and emotionally draining.
“Well, come on then,” I say, grabbing our trash. “Let’s talk chicks.”
Benson snorts, the sound turning into a chuckle that goes on and on. I can’t stop my own grin as I swipe my coat off the floor, the two of us heading down the stairs.
Maybe the cold hasn’t quite run off, but I barely feel it as Benson and I work alongside one another on the ranch.
I never knew waiting for a kiss could keep me so damn warm.