Chapter 30
Benson
We’re quiet on the way back from the vet’s office. Remi keeps shooting me glances, but I don’t know what to say.
Mouse’s cast is off. The field mouse has been cleared to be set free.
I pet the top of her head, her whiskers flicking as she cleans her leg from inside my shirt pocket. I don’t know why the idea of saying goodbye is so hard. She was never mine, not really. I only gave her a safe space to heal.
She’s always been wild.
The pang in my chest has me looking Remi’s way. There’s a soft frown on his face as he stares out the windshield, driving us back to my mom’s house. That beauty mark above his lip draws my eye. Or maybe it’s just his lips that do it.
Remi is wild, too. He’s always seemed that way to me.
Ethereal, almost. Like light through a sun-catcher, color scattered across the floor and walls.
I swear sometimes he glows. His hair. His skin.
Golden, like hay, sunlight, all those warm happy memories he talked about.
Past and future, isn’t that what he said?
Can you have memories of the future? Because I swear I can see them.
Remi meets my eye, his hand shifting over to give my leg a squeeze. He doesn’t say anything, but I know talking while driving isn’t his favorite. I don’t mind.
When Remi takes a turn toward the town center, I eye him curiously. His lips twitch, but he doesn’t offer an explanation. He parks in front of Plum’s, the local grocers.
“What are we doing?” I ask once the vehicle is off.
“Having a picnic.”
“Is that so?”
“Mhm. Mouse needs a nice send-off. So we’ll grab her favorite treats, as well as ours.”
The bubbling in my chest has me reaching to hook the back of Remi’s neck. There’s a smile on his face when I capture his lips. I still ache, that’s true. But it’s softer.
This isn’t a sad day for Mouse. And I appreciate Remi reminding me of that.
His hand on the side of my neck is warm, his thumb stroking over my throat in a way that quickly has me flashing hot. I clear my throat and pull back, which Remi seems amused by. “All right?”
I hum my yes, adding a nod as I collect my words. “You know exactly what you’re doing.”
He grins. “Flirting with you?”
“Do try to watch yourself around Mouse, Remi. Small eyes and ears and all.”
He barks a laugh, that grin of his blinding. “Let’s shop.”
Not about to argue, I step out of the truck, Mouse still in my pocket. Remi raises an eyebrow as he glances pointedly at my shirt, but I shrug.
“Rebel,” he mutters.
Inside the store, I grab a hand basket as Remi beelines for the bakery section. He finds a small lemon cake he adds to the basket, and I pop in some freshly baked biscuits. Remi, clearly delighted, pats my chest and says he’ll grab honey. While he does that, I make my way over to the produce.
“Blueberries?” I ask Mouse.
Her whiskers flick as small black eyes peer up at me. I try to ignore the tug in my chest and pick out the plumpest batch of berries I can find.
Remi meets me near the register, a small pot of honey in his hand that he sets on the conveyor belt. It’s a small haul but beyond perfect.
The sun is shining when we get to the house. Neither my mom nor August are home. I grab an old blanket from the hall closet, and Remi and I head out back where I first found Mouse. We spread the blanket on the ground, my throat too tight to speak.
It’s a happy day for Mouse. That’s true. But it doesn’t make this any easier.
Remi sits opposite me, his legs crossed like a pretzel. He cuts slices from the cake, three that he separates out to plates. I add some blueberries to each, and he opens the honey.
I blow out a quiet breath as I lift Mouse from my pocket. She scents the air, and I know there’s every chance she won’t stick around long enough to eat anything. There’s nothing stopping her from running off the moment I set her down. Which makes it all that much harder to lower my hand.
My chest stutters as I force out quiet words. “Goodbye, friend.”
I brace myself to watch the field mouse disappear. But she doesn’t run off. Not right away.
She skitters onto one of the plates, her tiny paws braced against a slice of cake before she drops to investigate the blueberries. She picks one up, making a mess of the fruit.
Remi holds out a fork, a small smile on his face. “Join us, Mr. Harper?”
My voice comes out rough. “I didn’t realize this was a fancy picnic, Mr. Darling.”
“The fanciest,” Remi says before a frown slips over his face. “Damn it, I forgot the tea.”
I chuckle, accepting the fork as Remi makes himself a biscuit with honey.
My eyes stay on Mouse as she works through one blueberry, then two.
The lemon cake is delicious, and I let that take hold for a moment, wanting to remember it.
The lemon, the sun, the blanket on the ground. The present company.
A picnic with a mouse. How utterly and wonderfully perfect.
When Mouse loses interest in the food, I set my fork down. She meanders over to the edge of the blanket, her whiskers flicking against the grass. She looks so small as she steps amongst the blades.
“Breathe, Ben.”
The reminder is welcome. I suck in a breath, Remi scooting closer to run his fingers over my knee. “I’m ridiculous, aren’t I?”
“No,” Remi answers immediately. “You’re not. You’re compassionate. Empathetic. You care a lot. That’s not ridiculous.”
“She never was mine.”
“Maybe not. But you gave her a great life she wouldn’t have otherwise had. So maybe that makes you hers. Of course this is hard.”
I nod, watching as Mouse investigates the grass. She doesn’t seem in any hurry to scamper off, and I can’t decide if that’s better or worse. “I think I should set her somewhere safe. Near the bushes where I found her.”
Remi nods. “Sure.”
Mouse doesn’t protest as I lift her. I walk her to the corner of the yard where there’s plenty of cover and shade.
Like before, she investigates the grass when I set her down.
I stand there for a long moment before forcing myself to turn toward Remi and our blanket, my feet feeling as if they’re weighted with lead.
Remi is watching me with sad eyes, but then his gaze flicks down, and he laughs. I turn back to find Mouse chasing after me. She climbs over my shoe before zagging away, finding something more interesting.
I huff quietly and continue on my way, sitting down beside Remi.
“Ben,” he says quietly, notching his head behind me.
There’s Mouse again, running over. She climbs onto my leg, scrambling up toward my pocket.
“Don’t you know you’re free?” I tell the silly mouse.
She makes it over the lip of fabric, tumbling into my pocket and curling up, her belly full of blueberries.
Remi hums consideringly. “I think she’s made her choice.”
“Maybe I should try again tomorrow?” I suggest, even as my relief to have her near practically bowls me over.
“If you want,” he says softly. “But given the choice between your pocket and the outside world, I know which I’d pick.”
“You’re not a mouse,” I say, heart tripping over itself.
Remi chuckles. “No, but I still want inside your clothes.”
I swallow roughly, heat on my cheeks that has nothing to do with the sun. “This is a fancy picnic, Mr. Darling. Please keep it contained.”
Remi’s laugh curls inside me like that relief still pooled in my chest. Maybe tomorrow, Mouse will choose to go. But for today… For today, it’s still the three of us.
The sun is sinking behind the mountains when Remi and I set off for Jackson’s place. I’m anxious about the bonfire with his brothers. I’ve known these men since we were all young. Some of their partners, too. But this is different.
I’m not just going as Benson.
I’m going as the man dating their baby brother.
“Holy hell,” I mutter, stopping along the dirt track we’re walking. “Remi. I’m gonna die.”
He looks alarmed, bending to catch my eye as I clutch my knees. “What’s wrong? What hurts?”
“Not…that,” I manage, pushing upright and puffing out a breath. “Your brothers are gonna skin me alive.”
His lips quirk. “They are not.”
‘Yes,’ I fist-nod. ‘We can make long-distance work, right? Utah isn’t that far.’
Remi grabs my arm before I can finish turning around, laughter in his voice. “It’ll be fine. Yes, they interrogated Oakley, but that was one time. No one’s going to mess with you.”
‘Not reassuring,’ I manage with my hands.
His palms bracket my neck a moment before his lips are pressing firmly to mine. Like a switch, I’m lost to him, my unease gone to make room for the force of my want. It’s physical, yes. But that’s not all.
How could it be when he’s skipping along my nerve endings and rearranging my thoughts?
Remi pulls back only once I’ve calmed. Blue eyes meet mine, light and searching. “If you’ve had enough and want to go, you tell me, and we’ll go. Okay?”
“Okay.”
His lips whisper over mine again. “Good boy.”
I groan as he drops to his heels and tugs me along the drive to Jackson’s.
Adirondack chairs flank the fire roaring in the backyard, the flames flickering and wood popping as it burns. Chatter doesn’t die down as we approach, but Ash calls out a, “Hey,” and a few heads turn in our direction.
“You’re here,” Colton yells, picking a bag of marshmallows up off the ground. He chucks it at Remi, who catches it easily. “Still a few mallows left.”
“I’m afraid to ask how many you’ve eaten,” Remi says, tugging one of the remaining two chairs closer to the other so we can sit side by side. “What’s the gossip?”
“Jenna from the grocers got a girlfriend,” Colton says gleefully.
“Noo,” Ash responds, even as he’s smiling. “The one who kept hitting on Noah?”
Colton scowls at the memory.
Noah grabs his chin, tugging Colton close to kiss his cheek. “Now we’re both taken.”
“We’re throwing Wendy a graduation party,” Oakley cuts in, speaking of Lawson’s daughter. “Next month at our place.”
“Holy shit,” Remi says beside me. “Time really flies.”
I glance Lawson’s way, the eldest Darling brother looking both sad and proud about the news. He clears his throat, his hands moving slowly with his words. “Oakley already promised to make stew.”
“Is Belladonna staying with y’all?” Colton asks.
Lawson gives a decisive nod. “Of course.”
Oakley mumbles something I don’t catch.
It’s immediately countered by Lawson’s, “You’re not eating our cow.”
‘They have a pet cow?’ I sign to Remi.
He nods, lips twitching.
“Did y’all hear about Remi’s new house rules?” Jackson asks, sounding sulky.
Ash snickers.
“Wait, what?” Colton replies, head popping around. “What rules?”
“No visitors before breakfast,” Jackson explains. “Except for Ash.”
Ash seems to preen while Colton’s head continues to swivel. Colton says, “But… What about me? I live there.”
“If you’re not in by ten, don’t show up before five,” Remi says easily. “I know parts of the main house will always be communal, and I have no problem with that. I love how the ranch is run. But I deserve a little privacy in my home. We deserve that.”
My heart thumps at the we I’m fairly sure includes me, but Remi talks on.
“And you rarely ever spend the night anymore, Colt. We both know it. If you don’t show up early enough for me to know you’re there, I won’t be held accountable for what you might hear or see.”
“Ahh,” Colton complains, covering his eyes. “Why would you put that in my head?”
“Would you rather stumble on it firsthand?” Remi counters. “Again?”
Colton shakes his head vigorously.
“Speaking of time flying,” Jackson says evenly, although his words sound pointed. Every set of eyes turns Remi’s way. “You’re grown up.”
“Have been for a good decade,” Remi shoots back.
I try to sink in my seat as a few gazes slide my way.
“Oh, don’t look at him like that,” Remi says, his hands cutting through the air. “If anything, I’m the one who corrupted him.”
“Excuse you,” I pipe up, unable not to. “Who’s responsible for us having sex in the barn?”
Ash cackles as a few groans ring out.
Remi grins at me. “You’re arguing a technicality?”
“Yes, I am. I kissed you first.”
“In the barn, yes. But I kissed you before that.”
“Okay, okay,” Colton cuts in, slashing his hands back and forth. “Maybe we don’t need to share everything?”
“You’re one to talk,” Remi retorts. “Mr. Didn’t Replace the Saddle Butter.”
Jackson rubs his face as Noah busts out laughing.
“I don’t think I should know this,” Jackson grumbles. “I’m the boss.”
“Not that night,” Colton says. “Noah was—”
Noah’s hand clamps over Colton’s mouth, his tone amused. “Do any of y’all have a filter?”
Oakley raises his hand.
“You do not!” Remi says ardently. “Otherwise none of us would know about the rope you keep in your bedroom.”
Oakley slowly lowers his hand, and Lawson chuckles. “He’s got a point, Oak.”
Ash shakes his head, taking a sip from his whiskey tin. “This family. God, I love it.”
I meet Remi’s gaze, his face lit by the fire, his smile so wide I swear I can feel it inside my chest. Big. Wild. Beautiful. My own smile feels out of control, and I duck my head. Until a marshmallow pings off my shoulder.
Remi signs one word my way. ‘Pride.’
It’s a reminder not to hide myself away. One I appreciate.
‘Pride,’ I repeat, my smile gentler but no less true.
His expression is serene, a little mischievous as his hands lilt and fall. ‘Good boy.’
“Oh God,” Colton croaks out. “What was that? What did I just see?”
Without missing a beat, Remi flashes his middle finger, his smile for me never wavering.
He was right. No one gives me shit about him and me.
Once Colton has recovered, he asks us how the new Silkies are doing.
Ash mentions that he’s excited for yoga to start up next week.
Noah talks a bit about the projects Hank and his uncle Walter have been working on, primarily whittling a bunch of salad bowl utensils no one needs.
And there’s not a single second that feels like too much.
As Remi and I are walking back to the house, I spot a clump of arrowleaf balsamroot flowering at the edge of the drive. I step that way, picking one of the stalks under the glow of the moon. Remi stands still as I tuck the stem behind his ear, the petals yellow with dark gold in the center.
Running my hand in front of my face, I sign a single word. ‘Beautiful.’
Remi holds out his hand, the wild sunflower at his ear no match for the man wearing it. “Take me to bed, Ben?”
I nod. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.