Chapter Eighteen
Shep
“S O, THIS IS what you do? Seduce men into helping you get away with murder?”
“No, Shep, I told you. None of this was planned. I mean, meeting you was never in my plans, but the way I feel about you is real .”
“And what about Clarke?”
She frowned. “What about him?”
“Don’t fucking do that,” I snapped. “You know what I mean.”
I probably should have been afraid of her. Evangeline had just admitted to committing multiple murders. I hadn’t studied her tattoo long enough to count the number of butterflies, but I knew it was a high enough number to buy a first-class ticket to the gas chamber.
The fucked up, crazy part, was I wasn’t afraid of her. I was completely in love with her and all I wanted to do was protect her. I was terrified of what she’d done and that she’d be caught and taken away from me, but I wasn’t scared of her or of what she might do to me now that I knew her secret. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe, it was because I knew deep in my heart that Lina truly loved me the way I loved her.
Or maybe I was just a total dumb shit.
I was leaning more toward dumb shit, mostly because I was smart enough to know that men did a lot of things for pussy. Men were led around by their dicks every day, and I did not think so highly of myself to believe that I could not be fooled into believing that Evangeline could and probably would lie to and manipulate me. Hell, she already had.
On the flipside, I had been a first responder for longer than a decade and I’d seen true evil. Like, fucked up, devil kinda shit, and she wasn’t that.
Again, could the argument be made that her magical pussy was making me feel that way?
Maybe.
But somebody who’d been victimized the way that she had couldn’t help but lean on her ability to lie and manipulate. It was her defense mechanism, and she had the right to use it. Anyone in her position would surely fantasize about exacting revenge on their abuser. Hell, I responded to a call where an executive assistant had stabbed another assistant with a pair of scissors because she called her a bitch and HR didn’t fire her. If thoughts of killing people who pissed us off weren’t a thing, road rage wouldn’t exist.
The abuse Evangeline, and others like her, suffered were rarely dealt with at a level they probably should be, so she was simply taking care of that. Maybe I was justifying things, and what she was doing certainly wasn’t ‘right,’ but I couldn’t necessarily say they were wrong either and I sure as hell wasn’t about to play judge and jury. My job, as I saw it, was to protect her.
“Listen, Shep. I’m telling you the truth. I’m using Clarke. I have no other choice. He figured out my connection to some cases on the east coast and confronted me.”
I crossed my arms. “But he hasn’t turned you in because you’re fucking him.”
Evangeline’s face dropped and I knew at that instant that I’d cut her deep. And that maybe I’d been wrong. “Lina, I’m sorry—”
“No.” She held up a hand. “It’s okay. I earned that.”
“Fuck. That’s not true.”
“Shep, I just told you that I’ve committed multiple murders, and here you are trying to apologize for being insensitive.”
“I’m scared for you,” I said, taking her hand.
“I’m not fucking Clarke. I told you I wasn’t, but I also told you I got the black eye from a door, so if I lied about one thing, I can understand why you’d think I’d lie about that.”
“It’s doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it matters,” she replied. “It matters to me. I may have been treated like a whore my whole life, but who I sleep with and why is a big fucking deal to me.”
“But he’s in love with you?”
She grimaced. “I don’t think Clarke knows what love is. He says he wants to help me.”
“Help you how?”
“He wants to join me. Help me track and execute sickos all around this great land of ours. He’s dreamed up some vigilante lover’s fantasy. Natural Born Killers kind of shit.”
“You’re kidding me.”
“He was obsessed with this case and now he’s obsessed with me.” She sighed. “So, love? No, I don’t think so. He might think he’s in love with me, but it’s really some kind of sick obsession.”
“What are you going to do about him?”
“I haven’t figured that out just yet, but when I do, you’ll be the first to know.” She bit her lip. “If you’re still around that is.”
Something in Evangeline’s voice told me how vulnerable she was.
I stood, stepping over to her and cupping her face. “I’m not going anywhere, but we have clearly got a lot of shit we need to discuss and figure out.”
“I promise I’ll tell you everything. Anything you want to know.”
I lifted her chin and asked, “How many people have you killed?”
“Nine,” she replied.
“Who was your first?”
“Remember the guy I told you about? The one who I drugged and robbed the night I escaped?”
I nodded.
“His name was Bruce Claussen. He owned a bunch of brake shops across the South. The guy was a total slimeball. Anyway, a few years later, I ran into a hustler kid named Scrawny Mike I knew from back then and he told me that Bruce Claussen overdosed on opiates that night. The police thought it was a suicide.”
He cocked his head. “So, you never meant to kill him.”
“Not him.” She shook her head. “Not that time. But every other kill since has been my decision. With Bruce Claussen, I found out so long after the fact that it didn’t even help bring closure at the time.”
“And the other killings do?”
She bit her lip and nodded. “It’s the main reason I do what I do.”
“But not the only reason.”
Evangeline shook her head. “Torturing and killing them is only the first part. That part is about justice and retribution. That’s for me. Disfiguring them and leaving them out in the open to be found is done in service to others.”
I took her hands and squeezed them, meeting her eyes. “Why?”
“Because I want the world to finally see who these men truly are. Twisted, grotesque, and vile. Men who have been spit out of the bowels of hell before returning to it, forever.”
I frowned. “These men had families.”
“Enablers and fools who are better off without these predators in their lives. At least I give the families the peace of knowing what happened to these sick bastards. If I did the smart thing and disposed of the bodies, they’d spend the rest of their lives wondering why these guys up and disappeared. That’s even more cruel if you ask me.”
“So, who was the first guy you killed on purpose?”
She shook her head. “Not a guy. It was my mother.”
“Jesus Christ,” I hissed.
“You have to believe me when I tell you she deserved death most of all. She was the one who first threw me to these wolves like a piece of meat.”
“She was still your mother.”
“She was my pimp and killing her set me free. She was already dying of bladder cancer and wasn’t expected to live more than a year, but I was more than happy to send her to hell a little early.”
“How did you do it?”
“I pushed an air bubble into her IV tube via an empty syringe. Her death looked like an old lady dying of a stroke.”
“Baby,” he rasped.
“I made sure she was awake and alert before I did it and I looked her right in the eyes when I told her what I was doing. I wanted her to know that it was my vengeance coursing through her veins. That she didn’t break me and that I was the one sending her to her doom. Once I’d killed her, I knew I could do it again. I’d already damned my soul to hell, so why not?”
“My God.”
“You think I’m a monster.”
“I think you’ve suffered unimaginable trauma and that I’m in no way qualified to handle this shit.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t talk to me like some psychiatrist who’s afraid to take me on as a patient. I’m me. You know exactly who I am.”
“How the hell can you say that, when I just found out you’re a fucking serial killer?”
“That’s not who I am, it’s what I do.”
“You don’t really think an argument like that is gonna work on me, do you?”
“No, what I think is that I don’t have to argue with you at all or justify anything I do. I’m ridding the world of people who victimize children. I’m doing what the cops, churches, and courts refuse to do.”
“You keep talking in the present tense. You’re not done, are you?”
“I’m not even close.”
“Goddammit, Lina. Someone’s gonna figure out that it was you behind all these murders. Clarke did.”
“He only knows about some of them, and like I said, I’ve got him under control.”
“For now, but what if he decides to talk. Or writes a book? Jesus. An obsessed, lovesick, small-town sheriff doesn’t sound like good news to me.”
“It’s worse than that,” she said.
“What?” I asked, terrified of her response.
“He used to be an NYPD homicide detective.”
“That’s just great,” I snapped. “I tell you that’s fan-fucking-tastic.”
“You know what?” she whispered. “You’re right. This is all too much. I’m going to ask you to go.”
“Are you fuckin’ serious right now?” I snapped, but she’d already shut down.
“I just ask that you say nothing to anyone, okay?”
“Jesus, Lina, I would never betray you, you should know that by now.”
“Please, Shep. Just go.”
With one last glance, I grabbed my wallet and keys and walked out the door.
* * *
Evangeline
I was lucid enough to walk to the door and lock it, then I slid to the floor, raising my knees to my chest and bursting into tears.
I let myself grieve for about six minutes and then the internal berating began. I had no business falling in love, least of all falling in love with a saint like Shepard Waller. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.
I wasn’t thinking, obviously.
But the sad truth was, I was in love with him. Completely.
So much so, I actually wanted to give up my ‘projects.’
The second I saw his face, my desire to enact justice on my past abusers seemed to wane because Shep eased the pain of that abuse. He was the balm to the wound left behind. I knew he saw me, truly saw me, and I believed him when he said he loved me.
Men said that to me all the time but when Shep said it, it was different. His love wasn’t lustful, it was restorative.
And I loved him back. Loved him with the innocence that was lost as a little girl, but also with the knowing of the woman I’d become. And I loved him with everything in between. He was my friend, he was my lover, and I liked him. I wanted to be around him.
I shook my head and stared at the fleur de lis wallpaper.
I couldn’t be with him. It wouldn’t be right.
He’d become an accessory and even if I gave up everything now, he was still in danger of prosecution because he knew everything I’d done and wasn’t going to the police.
I hoped.
I bit my lip. He wouldn’t.
I knew that in my soul.
I could trust him.
I burst into tears again, the pain in my chest unbearable.
I’d never been able to trust anyone before.
Not even Mouse.
I mean, maybe I could trust Emory, but I would never tell her anything because I wanted to protect her and Papillon House, but with Shep, I knew he could protect himself.
And me.
I let out a deep sigh and hauled my butt up off the floor. I wouldn’t ask him to do that. I had no choice but to accept Clarke’s terms.