Chapter 28 Nola
NOLA
It’s evening by the time we leave White Pine Care Center. Opal and I delivered all the vases to residents, while Max stayed behind to visit with Stella. He looks worse for the wear and whether that’s life on the road or the surprise when he landed, I haven’t asked.
“Ready to go?” I link my fingers through his and lead him out of the building into the parking lot. He walks me to the driver’s side and opens the door for me. “I was thinking maybe we’d pick up those protein bowls you like for dinner tonight.”
He thinks about this and leans his body against the car. “Can we maybe go hike somewhere first? Table Rock? I’ve got a lot I need to process.”
“Sure.” That last sentence hangs ominously. We aren’t dressed for the favorite hiking spot of Boiseans. Dusty switchbacks to a flat rock with a tall cross that overlooks the valley. It’s a trail that gives you a good sweat. The hardcore participants run it for thrills that I’ll never understand.
I give him a once-over, in his post-ball game look of dress chinos and button up under a dark blazer.
My flowy spring dress will at least keep me cool as we climb the trail in the warm May evening, and I’m grateful to spot a pair of forgotten tennis shoes under the passenger seat.
Overall, neither one of us looks up for the challenge.
“If we’re going to do this, I’ll need a snack,” I tell him and drive up the street to a little gas station that caters to hikers.
Max lets out a tired laugh. “If you tell me you’re getting sushi . . .”
“Calm down, Mr. All-About-Nutrition now. They have protein snack packs and the best pebble ice for fountain Diet Pepsi.”
Half an hour later, we’re on the trail, climbing slowly as the sun beats its evening heat on us.
Dust kicks up around us and the yellow Arrowleaf Balsamroot is blooming all over the hills.
Near one of the parks downtown there’s a hot air balloon drifting lazily.
It really is peaceful, if not for the looming conversation I know waits for us.
The first switchback is a long and slow one that we spend lost in our own thoughts.
This morning, I was ready to commit to Mitchell and tell Max that it’ll be hard to be apart but it’s three months.
His seasons are longer than that and half the time we’ll be in Europe, he’ll be on the road anyway.
We’d be back in time for the playoffs, easy.
Now, having experienced a full episode cycle with Stella, I’m struggling. I don’t feel good about being across the world after I’d committed to being available to her until Max was done in the fall.
There’s one more switchback to go, one final curve up to the top, when a small rock makes its way into my shoe, lodging itself between the ball of my foot and the shoe bed.
Max notices my struggle and stops. I reach out to him, steadying myself as I loosen my shoe to pry the rock free.
During this break, we’re passed by a group of cross-country runners making their way to the top for sunset.
Two women walking dogs and talking loudly about life follow next, waving to us as they go on.
A guy with a weighted backpack passes after that.
Three mountain bikers head down, claiming the right of way.
Having stopped to fix my shoe, we lose our momentum, and once we are able to see how busy the top had gotten already, I’m not sure the last quarter mile is worth the hassle.
“Do you have your heart set on getting up there?” Max asks.
I give him a wide smile. “My heart is on the couch right now.”
The bend we’ve stopped at has a large boulder, perfect for two. We both sit down, legs leaning against one another, and peel open our overpriced convenience store snack packs of nuts, cheese squares, and salami rounds.
We face the valley, with the path at our backs. Nobody is paying any attention to us. If we do end up in the gossip columns, we’ll look like we got lost going on a date, but that’s something I can live with. I take a long drink of my soda and say, “Who wants to go first?”
“How long have you known about this offer for Europe?” he asks.
I push a stray hair off my face and secure it into my ponytail. “Mitchell called me the day Emma and I surprised you.”
His face stays stoic, but I see his jaw tense for a slight moment. He throws a few nuts into his mouth and speaks around them. “It hurts that you didn’t want to tell me.”
“It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you that weekend, I just didn’t know how I felt about it yet.”
He gets a sad look on his face as he says, “I didn’t need you to have all the answers when you brought it up.
I wish you would’ve felt like you could share such life-changing news with me and we could’ve talked it out together.
That’s the part that stings. I feel like you didn’t even want me to know. ”
“That couldn’t be farther from the truth and I hope you know that,” I pick at my tray of snacks but don’t select anything.
“But I don’t know that, Nola. You’re independent and that’s something I really admire about you.
It also could be seen as a fault. By the time you surprised me in Seattle, we were in a relationship.
A real one. At least as far as I thought.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but you did tell me you loved me that weekend.
This is the kind of news you share with the person you love, regardless of if you’ve decided to take the offer or not. ”
“It’s three months.” I remind him, stressing the word months.
His face lightens up. “So? That’s nothing in the scheme of things.”
“And there’s Stella.”
“What about her?” he asks casually, like she’s not one of the most important women in his life.
Max is either the densest man on the planet or he’s really that supportive of me and my dreams. I need him to see the reality of what we’re facing, though.
“Come on, Max. I can’t leave her, not after today.
We agreed when you’re playing ball, that’s where your focus should be.
I don’t want you worrying about her because I’m not in town close by. ”
His voice softens. “She’s not yours to worry about, Nola.”
In the last couple of months, I’ve spent a lot of time with Stella as part of my arrangement with Max.
We’ve had our twice a week dinners with Emma tagging along and bingo Saturdays.
I’ve gone up for a few hours while Emma’s at school to hang out with her when Opal’s been at appointments and Stella calls me because she’s bored.
For him to tell me that she’s not my problem makes me defensive.
“Believe it or not,” I start, then stop myself and lower my voice to keep this between us.
“Believe it or not, her sassy ways have grown on me and I love her like she’s my own grandma.
I want us to be there for her. If something happens, I want to be the one to call you and fill you in.
Not have you get a report from the nurse. ”
With a half smile, he shakes his head at me.
“I love you so much for this, but I’m not letting you give up this once-in-a-lifetime chance to chase your dreams. Violet always has more time off accrued than she knows what to do with it, and Madelyn has got to be in between projects soon.
Let me talk to them and figure something out.
They can take turns while we’re both out of town this summer. ”
“That’s it? Just like that?” My mouth hangs open for a second and I take in everything he’s just said. “You really want me to do this?”
“More than anything. You and Emma need to go have a wild European adventure. Show off your art and send me pictures of everything you go visit. I’ll miss you so much but you’ll come back.
” Max sets his snack pack on the ground and puts an arm around me.
“Want to know something? When you were delivering flowers with Opal, Stella told me you were the best thing to ever happen to me and she’s totally right, as usual. ”
“Pretty sure I’m the lucky one,” I tell him, leaning my head on his shoulder. “How was Emma when she and my mom got you from the airport?”
“She gave me a screaming welcome and your mom gave me a big hug.” There’s a break in his voice and he hides his emotion behind a drink of Pepsi. “It made me wonder what it’d be like to step off a plane and see my mom waiting for me.”
In my eight years of widowhood, I’ve learned there’s only one right thing to say at moments like this. “I’m sorry, Maxford.”
“It’s okay, really.” He lets out an uncomfortable chuckle. “Actually, my therapist will be more than happy to unpack that with me when I’m ready to go there.”
He’s made visible strides in therapy and other than the Europe setback, I’ve worked on being less guarded about my feelings, especially around Max. Relaxed, sentimental Nola is a work in progress but we’re both giving one another grace as we improve ourselves.
“I can’t believe you were willing to give up your summer for me and Stella.” He grabs my hand and rubs his thumb over my knuckles.
I let out a long sigh and tease. “It was really selfless of me.”
He chuckles and tickles my side. I squirm and squeal, which is exactly what he’s looking for and he does it again until I cry “Okay! That’s not why I was willing to do it!”
“What’s the reason, then?” he asks, letting me go.
“Because I love you and I want this marriage to you and my bonus family more than I want strangers to praise my art.” I sit up and wait until he’s looking at me.
“At the end of the day, it comes down to you and how I feel about you, Maxford. You infuriate me. You surprise me. You make me feel whole again.”
There’s a startling look on his face. He once told me he didn’t like being too attached to his family because he knew they’d all leave him eventually.
It hits me that he not only pushes people away so they can’t hurt him, but he also assumes people will give up on him if he pushes hard enough, which helps him control when the hurt will happen.
How has this poor man made it this far in life living a delicate balance like this?
He must be exhausted from surviving as long as he has.
“I’m going to mess up,” he admits. “Probably more than once. You’re going to get mad at me and we might even have a fight or two. This isn’t going to be easy, Adler.”
I level my gaze at him. “I don’t expect it to be, Maxford, but you’re not getting rid of me.”
“Why’s that?” he grins.
“Because you belong with me.”
I let it sink in and watch him mull this over in his head. Tentatively, he puts a hand on my thigh and gives it a squeeze. “I need you.”
That’s all that comes out of his mouth. It’s romantic enough, something from those romcoms he’d watched with his sisters years ago, but it also feels unfinished.
I politely prod, “You need me to be your wife? You need me to put you in your place? You need me to cheer you on at work? You need me to introduce Stella to a new album? You need me to cosplay Ben Franklin again? What do you need, Max?”
“You.” He lets out a content sigh and gives me his half grin. “All of you.”