Erin
For the first time since I was raped, I’m drunk.
I’ve avoided alcohol like most college students avoid homework, knowing all too well what can happen when I lose control of my body, of my mind. I’ve had absolutely no desire to even have a drink, let alone several.
Until tonight.
I knew I shouldn’t have followed Kip and Skyler.
I knew I shouldn’t have creeped on their date like some kind of psycho.
But, then again, I’ve known since the moment this harebrained scheme formed in my head that I was tiptoeing on the line between I’m okay and I’m completely insane, but it didn’t stop me.
Maybe I really am going crazy, but I can’t find the will to care — let alone stop.
And so, I’d broken my dry spell, no longer able to survive the night sober after I watched them fake kiss at Bella’s Italian Restaurant.
If I told my mom what I was doing, she’d likely pull me out of school and drag me kicking and screaming back home. But it was her who told me to channel my emotions, to put them to use, to find what makes me happy and cling onto that.
Well, Kip makes me happy. At least, he did, when we were younger, and I know he will again.
I just have to get to him.
And Skyler is supposed to be helping me do that.
I shift on the couch in our sorority common room, my stomach rolling as I finish off the last of the tequila I poured in a small tea cup, just in case anyone walked in. My thoughts swim in my intoxicated mind, fuzzy and unclear, and I try to pick them out of the murky water as they pass.
It’s after two now, and Skyler should be rolling in any minute.
I know, because I watched them from afar as she and Kip said goodnight. I listened to him ask her to stay, to her saying she couldn’t, all the while fighting off the urge to upchuck my dinner on the beach.
Sighing, I run the tip of my index finger along the lip of my tea cup, eyes on the small bit of liquid left in a ring around the bottom.
Skyler was trying to keep her distance from Kip — that much I could tell with how she responded to his fake proposal at dinner.
It was adorable, absolutely swoon-worthy for any girl trying to resist his charm.
But Skyler had played it like a pro, only joining in at the very end to join his charade.
That hadn’t been hard to watch.
In fact, not even that first kiss had been. I watched him dip her back in a dramatic fashion, watched his hands grip the small of her back as they kissed for the crowd, and though it stung, I knew it was all part of the show.
But then, I followed them to the beach, to the pier, and everything from that point on became a torturous affair.
I never would have labeled myself as a masochist before tonight, but that’s the only word suitable for what I’d inflicted.
I’d followed them around, watching from afar as Kip tried unsuccessfully to win Skyler a giant teddy bear before she finally became the one to pull it off.
I tried to breathe normally as I watched them float up to the sky in a bucket on the Ferris wheel, tried to ignore the jealousy flaring in me as they laughed at the top, and I tried not to pass out altogether when I saw their lips still locked together as they floated toward the bottom again.
Skyler had broken their kiss first, jumping off Kip’s lap and running her hands through her messy hair, but I knew as much as she did in that moment that she was in trouble.
She was falling for him. He was falling for her.
And my plan was quickly getting sidelined.
A very small, very quiet voice in my head told me I should stop the charade altogether. I should tell Skyler she’s off the hook, free to do whatever she wanted with Kip. I should move on, leaving my past in the past.
But that voice was like a quiet whisper compared to the other one, the one screaming like a freight train for me to hold onto this one, small sliver of possible happiness.
It’s been such a long year, filled with so much pain, and all I want is to feel whole again.
I hear my mom’s voice in my head again as I ask myself how many people I’ll have to hurt in the process, and I can’t find it in myself to care.
I steel my emotions as the front door creaks open, Skyler sneaking through it as quietly as she can.
I deposit the empty tea cup on the table beside the couch, reaffirming my plan to pull her head back in the game.
She had a fun night. She’s distracted. She’s possibly thinking of all the ways she can ask me to call everything off.
This is my chance to get us back on track.
Just before she hits the stairs, I find my voice, the sound of it almost foreign as I call after her.
“Good night?”
I can’t disguise the touch of bitterness in my words, but Skyler doesn’t seem to catch it as she clutches her heart and lets out a sigh of relief when she sees me on the couch.
“Holy shit, Big. You scared the living hell out of me.”
“Sorry,” I say with a smile, willing all the calmness I can from my inner pool of strength. “I was waiting up, wanted to know how it went tonight.”
Skyler eyes me like she doesn’t believe that for a second. My Little is smart, and she’s careful with her word choice as she falls down into the cushions next to me, her pink cheeks framed by the long hair now falling out of her messy bun.
Effortlessly beautiful, that’s what Skyler is. She doesn’t need makeup, or a dress, or a strand of pearls. She’s the kind of girl who can roll out of bed and have a man falling to his knees with want.
Kip was proof of that.
“It was nice,” she says, her eyes soft on mine. “We went to dinner and to the pier, nothing special.”
Liar.
The thought screams through me, but I force a smile, swallowing past the sandpaper knot in my throat.
“Good.”
Skyler watches me for a long moment, like she’s trying to decipher the thoughts in my head. If only she knew how difficult that was, how long I’d tried to untangle the sticky web of them.
There’s a touch of something behind her blue irises… pity, maybe? But I don’t let it sink in, don’t let my heart soften at the sight of it. And when she moves to stand, saying she wants to turn in for the night, I drop that hard shield over my heart again.
“Wait.”
Skyler turns, waiting for my next words.
“Has he asked you to the A Sig Valentine’s Day dance yet?”
“No,” she answers, her voice hesitant. “And I doubt he will.”
“No, he definitely will,” I assure her, a hint of bitterness back in my words.
I cross my arms tight over my chest, testing my next words before I say them aloud.
“When he does, you’ll say yes. And that’s the night you blow him off.
I’ll be there with Chance Griffins. It’ll be perfect.
Chance is a dog and will surely do something to piss me off,” I think out loud, the plan forming as the words tumble out.
“Kip will be heartbroken, and by the end of the night, we’ll be consoling each other between the sheets. ”
Skyler’s calm expression cracks a little at that, and I can’t help but cringe with her.
Did those words really just come out of my mouth?
I’m distantly aware of how far I’ve fallen from the girl I used to know as I watch Skyler, looking for any sign of defiance, all the while wondering how the hell I got here.
“Okay, sounds like a plan,” she says after a moment.
I nod, something between a smile and a grimace finding my lips as I lean back into the couch again. I wait for Skyler to make her way up the stairs, but she just watches me instead.
Then, slowly, she sits back down beside me and pulls me in for a hug.
I stiffen in her arms, warning bells going off at her proximity. But then her warmth transfers into me, and I break, leaning into her as I rest my head on her chest.
The urge to cry washes over me like a tsunami, but I swallow it down.
“You okay, Big?” Skyler whispers.
I sigh, one word slipping through my lips easily. “No.”
After that, I’m not sure what to say.
I was raped.
I thought I was okay, but I’m not.
No one knows except Bear, and he can’t help me. No one can. No one but me. But I don’t know how to help me.
I’m scared.
I feel used. I feel broken. I feel ruined.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I hate myself for what I’m doing to you.
I don’t know how to stop.
Each thought flicks in and out of range like low-flying birds, close enough to see but too far away to touch, to catch and hold onto.
So, I lie, instead.
Seems to be the only thing I’m good at doing, anymore.
“I’m stressed the fuck out,” I say. “Being president is amazing, but it’s a lot of work. I’m falling behind in class already and I feel like my social life is consumed with meetings and philanthropy work.”
And stalking you and Kip.
“I’m happy,” I whisper, the lie coming from my lips so effortlessly I surprise myself. “But, I don’t know…”
“Can you take a break?” Skyler asks, her Mrs. Fix-It brain already kicking into high gear. “Let J-Love and Lei handle some of the weight for a while? I know you like to be in control, but maybe just let a few of the smaller things go so you have more time.”
“Yeah, I guess I could,” I say, my heart aching a little as she holds me tighter.
Here I am using her for my own agenda, and she can’t help herself but to try to help me feel better.
The world doesn’t deserve Skyler Thorne.
“You know how I am, though,” I continue “I just feel like if I don’t do everything, it’ll all get messed up.”
“I know, Big,” she says with a laugh. “But trust me, the girls know what they’re doing. Your G-Little is pretty smart, too. You should ask her for help.”
I should probably also jump off a cliff because I’m quite possibly the worst human being to ever walk the Earth.
“Really?” I ask distantly.
“Seriously. She’s amazing. I really hope you two can get to know each other more.”
“I do, too,” I say, this time genuine. Cassie and I used to spend more time together, studying and talking, sharing our mutual love for our majors. But after what happened last semester, I shut everyone out — her included.
Another wave of tequila rushes through me as my eyes find focus on my toes, and I finally let myself ask something real, bridging the gap between me and Skyler in a rare moment of vulnerability.
“Do you hate me for what I’m making you do?” I ask, my voice just a whisper. “Be honest.”
Skyler tenses, one hand still rubbing my back as her eyes fall to the floor with mine.
“No,” she says on a long breath. “I mean, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me to play him this way, but I want to be president.
I want to keep our Greek line tradition.
And I know that you would do the same thing for me. ”
Her admission warms my heart, and I smile — because it’s true.
I would do the same for her. There’s something special about the bond between sisters, and I know what she means by wanting to keep our Greek traditions alive.
I know how much that want can grow deep within a heart, how deep the roots can be.
“It’s about sacrifice sometimes,” Skyler continues. “And I’m pretty selfish all the time, so it’s a good lesson.”
I want to argue with her, because in my opinion, Skyler is the least selfish person I know. But my words stick in my throat, and before I can fight back again, the tears I’ve been holding back pool in my eyes.
I wipe away the first tear before it can fall past the apple of my cheek.
“Ugh, sorry. I’m such an emotional wreck right now.
” I watch her, forcing a smile. “You just make me so proud, Little. You’re going to be an awesome president.
” I swallow, knowing that if nothing else I’ve said tonight is true, that definitely is. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she says, wrapping me in another hug.
When we pull back, I eye her sweat pants, my curiosity from the entire night getting the best of me. I was horrified when I saw them both dressed in pajamas in public.
“What are you wearing?”
A laugh bursts out of her, and she shakes her head. “It’s a long story.”
But she tells it, filling me in on the night as carefully as she can. And though it burns to hear her talk about Kip, I feel a touch of comfort at the fact that the plan has been solidified again.
We know the next steps. And with the Valentine’s Day dance being just around the corner, I allow hope to bloom in my chest again, small and feeble, but blooming nonetheless.
Kip Jackson will be back in my life soon enough.
And then, hopefully, I’ll find happiness again, too.