Cassie
In hindsight, perhaps using Kade as a secret way to talk about Adam with the girls wasn’t my smartest plan.
It started earlier in the week, when I was feeling particularly bummed out before my talk with Adam at the bonfire last night. Skyler asked me what was wrong, and in an effort to get her fabulous boy advice, I told her about my flip-flop emotional feelings toward Adam.
Except, I said it was Kade I was feeling them for.
It seemed smart at the time. If I used a code name, then I could talk about my feelings and get them out of my head.
I could get advice from my sisters. And Kade is such a flirt, he’s already had three “girlfriends” in his short time since joining Alpha Sigma.
It would work, I told myself. No one would question it.
And they haven’t.
But now, it’s a little harder to hold the facade as I carefully craft my words before I say them to Skyler in the bathroom at the Alpha Sig Valentine’s Day dance.
To say that I’m frustrated would be a drastic understatement. I huff again, sliding my lip gloss over my lip for the thirteenth time. My lips are shiny. I should put it away, but it’s giving me something to do.
Adam sat next to me in the limo on the way to the dance, but other than our conversation there, he hasn’t said a word to me.
And he hasn’t asked me to dance.
I know it’s his duty as president to make sure everything is going smoothly, and I know his brothers are here, and his new members, and he’s got his hands full.
I know all that. But here he is, less than twenty-four hours after preaching all this actions are louder than words shit, and in my eyes, he’s failing.
His words might have said that he thinks I’m beautiful tonight and he can’t wait to spin me around the dance floor, but his actions are saying I’m the last thing on his mind.
I should be calm, I should know he’ll ask me to dance soon. I should still be comforted by all the wonderful, perfect, amazing things he said to me as he held me by the bonfire last night.
But my anxiety is a nasty, wild beast, and right now, I can’t fight against it with an animal as weak as logic.
“So, do you see what I’m saying?” I ask Skyler, continuing our conversation about Adam — AKA, Kade — not asking me to dance yet. I slip my lip gloss back in my purse, turning to watch her finish touching up her mascara. “He’s more difficult to read than my fucking biology books.”
At least that part was true.
“Take control, Little,” Skyler says, as if it’s easy. As if every girl in the world has the same bad ass, cocky style that she does. “Kade is young. Hot, but young. If you want him, make a move.”
Things I want to say:
I have made a move, but he wants to take it slow. What’s up with that shit?
I understand his motives for wanting to move slow. It’s the most amazing, most respectful way I’ve ever been treated. But I simultaneously hate it.
I feel completely out of control of my emotions and have no idea what is happening.
Oh and PS, it’s actually Adam I’m talking about.
Instead, what I actually say is, “Ugh. I’m not you, Big. I can’t just make a move.”
And again, at least that part is true. At this point in our story, I am not asking Adam to dance. He should be asking me.
“I’m confident,” I tell Skyler, believing it only about sixty percent in my heart. “But, I’m also traditional. I want him to ask me.”
I watch her slick the mascara over her lashes one last time, chewing my lip with a question I’ve been burning to ask her since last night at the bonfire.
I know she and Adam are just friends, that they have a close relationship — definitely not a traditional one for exes to have.
Still… the way she looked at him, the way she flirted with him…
Does she still like him?
Because I’m almost entirely sure that if the answer to that is yes, I will literally die. And not a cute, movie kind of death. I’m talking the gruesome kind that they can’t show on the news.
Kappa Kappa Beta Sister Dies of Heartbreak, Explodes Into Mess of Guts and Feelings.
“Ask me whatever it is you want to ask me before you chew off your bottom lip,” Skyler says, grinning at me in the mirror.
I sigh, leaning a hip against the bathroom counter.
I debate my next words carefully. I haven’t talked to Skyler about Adam in…
well, ever. Our entire friendship, or whatever you call it, has been kept away from Skyler — mostly because I was a little ashamed of having feelings for someone who used to be her boyfriend.
But I can’t go any longer without knowing.
“Are you and Adam still a thing?” I ask, trying to sound na?ve. I aim for somewhere between idle curiosity and bored concern. “Like, when this thing is over with Kip… are you going to date him again?”
A friend would ask another friend that, right? That’s normal, right?
Skyler’s face warps into confusion as she tucks her mascara away. “What?” she almost scoffs. “No, not even close. Adam was fun last year and we’re still good friends, but he’s president and doesn’t have time for a girlfriend.”
Tell me about it.
“And even if he did,” Skyler continues. “It wouldn’t be me.”
“Why?” I say quickly, almost too quickly.
“I don’t know,” she says with a shrug. “I’m just not into him like that anymore.” Suddenly, Skyler turns on me, one brow popped up in curiosity. “Why do you ask?”
I have to focus not to blanch, not to blush, and I’m sure my cheeks shade pink, anyway. But I keep my voice steady, convincing her as much as I can that this is a normal conversation.
“I don’t know,” I say, shrugging and facing the mirror again. “I was just curious. Just wondering if you’d have someone to fall back on, I guess.”
Yeah, that sounds legit.
Blessedly, Erin, Ashlei, and Jess pour into the bathroom, saving me from having to answer any other questions about my sudden interest in Skyler and Adam. Ashlei gets to us first, and she slides right between us, one arm hanging on each of our shoulders.
“J-Love is D-Runk,” she announces.
“I am not!” is the immediate argument from Jess, but the words slur a little as she says them. “I’m just having fun. You should try it.”
“No Violet Vulva tonight, J-Love?” Skyler asks.
“Nope.” Jess holds one finger up, waving it side to side. “Let’s just say there’s a little garden that’s not so innocent anymore.”
We all laugh out a mixture of ew and gross, and through the spew of laughter, Skyler says, “Kip gave me a gift in that garden, you skank. You ruined my Valentine’s Day.”
“Oh hush, I didn’t fuck on your precious glasses, you prude,” Jess retorts, referencing the new pair of Ray-Bans Kip gave Skyler as a gift.
They’re actually perfect for her, and one of the most thoughtful gifts I’ve ever seen her receive.
I eye her as Jess keeps talking, noting the tinge of sadness in her eyes.
She likes him.
It’s as clear as day, and we all know it.
My stomach knots, thinking about how this is all going to end.
“Just on the bench where he gave them to you,” Jess continues, which earns another round of laughter and a playful shove from Skyler.
Jess escapes into one of the stalls to pee as Ashlei leans up agains the wall, taking pressure off her feet in the sky-high heels she’s wearing. “Speaking of Kip, how’s it going?”
Erin has been surprisingly quiet, just laughing along with everything until that exact moment. She watches Skyler carefully, as if she’s ready to catch her should she try to run away — like a lioness hunting a gazelle.
“It’s fine. We’re having fun, everything is going according to plan.”
The words roll off Skyler’s tongue easy enough, but we all know it’s a lie.
Even Erin.
Which is why I can’t contain my reaction to what she says next.
“The dance is almost over. I think you should do it soon. Use Adam.”
The room tilts, the laughter of other girls around us suddenly too loud, the lights too bright. I’m sure my knees will buckle at any moment, and I grab the counter to hold myself up.
“What?!”
That’s the word out of my mouth — and it’s the same one out of Skyler’s. She turns to look at me, as if it’s strange for me to react in that way, and with her now knowing about me and Adam, I guess it kind of is.
But I can’t look at her.
All I can do is gape at Erin, silently begging her with my gaze to reconsider what she’s asking, to come up with a new plan.
“Why would I use Adam?” Skyler asks Erin, though she’s still watching me.
“It’s believable,” Erin answers easily. “It’s obvious Adam still has a thing for you, so tell Kip you have feelings for him, too. Tell him you were using him to make Adam jealous and it worked.”
That tilt turns into a full spin, warping my reality like a washing machine set to high speed.
I grip the counter more firmly, my only assurance that I’m not actually tumbling to the floor of the bathroom.
Every breath comes shallower, every blink invades my vision with more blackness that doesn’t recede when my eyes are open again.
I tell myself to calm down, to breathe, but I can’t do either.
This cannot be happening.
I think I tell the girls I need air. I think I tell Skyler good luck. I think I tell Erin to go fuck herself. Maybe I say nothing at all. I don’t know anything for sure, not until I’m outside, in the garden, away from the noise and the reality of what’s about to happen.
It’ll be fine. Adam cares about you, he wants to be with you. He’s not going to be with Skyler just because she says she wants him back.
I say the words in my head, even risking it and speaking a few of them out loud. But they do nothing to soothe my racing heart, because the truth of the matter is I don’t know any of those things for sure.
Do I trust him? Yes. Do I believe that he feels what he says he does for me? Without a doubt.
But things between us have been muddled enough without any interference. What will happen when Adam hears Skyler say she wants him again? Will it stir something inside him, wake him up to a feeling he thought was gone that has always existed?
Will he want her, too?
My mouth waters, almost as if its sweating, and heat rushes away from my face, leaving it clammy and cool.
I’m sick. I’m absolutely sick at the thought, at the possibility of losing Adam again — losing him before I’ve even had him at all.
I force a breath, closing my eyes for five long seconds to try to find calmness, to find assurance, to find peace.
But what I actually find is the nearest bush, just in time to pull my hair back and forfeit my dinner.