Bear
The Sunday after Halloween, an entire plate of hummus and tzatziki sits untouched between me and Erin, along with fresh, hot pita bread and a smorgasbord of vegetables.
It’s been there for at least five minutes now, but neither of us moves for it, and I’ve nearly drained my first beer as Erin has attempted small talk.
The way her eyebrows are drawn together as she watches me from across the table, I have a feeling she’s about done with that.
Thank God.
Now we can get this over with.
“Thank you for agreeing to meet me,” she says, tentatively tucking a strand of hair behind one ear.
Her hair is longer now than it was at the end of last semester, when her head was in the toilet and she told me unknowingly about our baby.
She was an absolute wreck that night, but this evening, she looks…
calm. At peace. She looks like she’s getting sleep and eating.
Still, she watches me with worry etched in every feature, and I find that as fucked up as it is, I like that aspect the most.
Erin clears her throat when I don’t answer, folding her hands in her lap with her eyes falling to the hummus plate.
“I don’t know how to start, so I’m just going to talk.
And I know a lot of this might not make sense to you, but…
I guess, I just wanted to talk to you. I wanted to explain what happened.
” She lifted her eyes to me then. “Why I made the choices I made.”
I inhale a stiff breath, draining the last of my beer and signaling to the waitress for another. She delivers it promptly, seeing as how there are only a dozen tables inside the small restaurant.
Erin offers a gentle smile as I take my first sip, something like pity in her eyes now.
“When we slept together, neither of us really knew each other. I mean, I asked you to semi-formal on the heels of your fraternity being on probation, and then we accidentally got too drunk and…”
She pauses when I take three dramatically large gulps from my beer, belching before I set the glass back down on the table. Her eyes stick there for a moment before she swallows and continues.
“I mean, neither of us even really remembered it the next morning. Do you recall that? We laughed it off, promised not to tell anyone… it wasn’t serious.”
“Is there a point here?”
Erin blows out a slow breath. “Bear, we weren’t in a relationship. We still aren’t ready for a child, let alone back then. We’re just kids ourselves. And when I found out I was pregnant… I did come to you.”
“Bullshit.”
“Let me finish,” she says, holding up one hand. “I came to you, before I even took the test, actually. I wanted to do it together. I knew we could figure it out. But when I went to you… you were with Shawna.”
I frown, tracing back through my memory for what she could possibly be talking about. “I don’t understand.”
Erin takes all her hair and wraps it over one shoulder, taking a deep breath. “I went back to your room, and I was knocking but you didn’t answer, and when I walked in… I didn’t know her at the time, but you and Shawna were…” She swallows. “Indisposed.”
My gaze hardens.
“And, I don’t know, Bear. I just, I felt so fucking silly. Like, we had a one-night stand, and I expected you to hold my hand while I peed on a stick? I mean, these were my exact thoughts.” She shakes her head. “I felt like a fool. How could I expect that of you, of anyone in college?”
I take another pull of my beer in lieu of answering.
“Anyway, so I took the test alone, and… well… obviously, I was pregnant. But I lied to Jess, who was the only one who even knew I was suspicious about being pregnant. I told her it was a stomach flu. And then…”
She doesn’t finish, and I squeeze the glass so hard in my hand, I wonder if I can break it like the Hulk.
Erin’s expression softens, and she reaches forward, wrapping her hand around my wrist before I can flinch away. As soon as I feel her warmth, something inside me cracks, and emotion stings my nose, but I fight it back.
“I am so sorry, Bear,” she says, her eyes glossing with tears.
“I was a coward. I should have come to you. I know that now, but I also know it doesn’t change what I did.
At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do.
And I’m sorry I didn’t include you in the decision, but…
it was my body. And ultimately, it was my choice. ”
I shake my head, tearing back from her grasp. “I know it was your choice. And I would have supported it, Ex — even more so if you would have just fucking told me.”
She breaks at my words, swiping at the tears streaming down her cheeks furiously.
“I know that now. I didn’t know that then, but I do now.
I know that you were the one who saw I wasn’t okay before anyone else.
I know that you were the one who saved me when Landon…
” Her voice breaks, and another zip of pain splits my chest open.
“When he raped me, when his brothers stole every ounce of innocence I had, you were there. You saved me. You kept my secret even when I knew it killed you.” She rolls her lips together, more tears tumbling over her cheeks.
“You are the most amazing man I know, and you are my best friend. And I am so sorry I hurt you.”
Every muscle in my jaw is tight and burning as I fight off the emotion strangling my throat. I just shake my head, over and over, gaze lost in the distance before I finally pull my eyes back to hers.
“Listen. I know you’re going to therapy, and I’m really fucking glad you are. Okay? I want you to be okay. I do,” I say, and I mean it. “I also know that you’re sorry,” I continue, forcing a breath. “But that doesn’t mean I have to forgive you. So, don’t expect me to.”
“Bear,” her voice cracks, and she reaches for me again, but I’m already up out of my chair, abandoning my napkin on the table, as well as what’s left of my beer.
“Excuse me,” I murmur, and then I’m gone, out of the restaurant and in the first campus cab I see.
My heart is thundering in my chest as the car carries me to the other side of campus, and then I’m on Becca’s doorstep, and as soon as she opens the door and sees me, she invites me in, wrapping me in a warm hug that I completely collapse into.
I’m not sure how long she holds me, how long I have to use every ounce of willpower I have to fight off the tears my body is desperate to let free, but eventually, she grabs me by the hand and pulls me back to her room.
Her dorm mate doesn’t seem to be around, which I’m thankful for as she closes the door behind us.
She sits us on her bed, wrapping her arms around me and leaning her head on my chest. For the longest time, we just hold each other, and she takes long, exaggerated breaths, cueing me to do the same.
After a while, she whispers, “Is this about the trip?”
I sigh, running my fingers over her hip where I hold her against me. Just feeling her warmth already makes me feel better. “Partly.”
“How did it go?”
I swallow. “Well, Clayton is convinced I’m a monster because I don’t believe our lying, sack-of-shit mother when she says she’s back for good.”
“Was she drugged out?”
“No,” I admit. “She seems clean, actually. But I don’t trust it.”
“What’s the other part?”
I sigh, debating how much I should tell her. “I just met up with Erin, and we… we had a fight.”
Becca stiffens in my grasp, sitting up even when I try to hold her there in my arms. She shakes her head, looking out her window before her eyes land on me. “You saw Erin before you saw me?”
Shit.
I let out a long sigh. “She asked if I’d have dinner with her,” I explain. “She wanted to apologize.”
“For what?”
Fuck.
Another hot breath leaves my nose, and I roll my lips together, looking anywhere but back at Becca.
“I asked you last semester if there was anything between you and Erin, and you said there wasn’t.”
“There’s not.”
“Then why are you holding this…” She waves her hand in the air. “Grudge against her? You haven’t talked to her or about her since the night of Skyler’s poker tournament, and now you’re meeting her for dinner for her to apologize for… what?”
I swallow.
“What happened, Bear?”
Still, I don’t answer. And it kills me, because I know Becca is pissed, and hurt, and as much as I am angry with Erin, it’s still not my place to tell anyone what happened.
Becca shakes her head, sliding off the bed before I can stop her. She stands, crossing her arms and watching me. “Maybe you should look at that.”
I frown. “At what?”
“You told me about what happened with you and Shawna, how you never forgave her, even when she came to you begging for you to understand. And when you held a grudge against Skyler for half a semester. And how you wrote off your mom completely, and now that she’s back and legitimately trying, you won’t have any part of it. ”
Defensiveness prickles in my chest, and I stand up, too, ready to combat her. But she holds up a hand to silence me.
“And, on top of all that, whatever is happening with Erin that she needs to apologize, which — judging by the way you were acting when you first got here — I’m assuming you didn’t accept either.”
I clamp my mouth shut at that.
Becca shakes her head, her golden eyes thick with confusion and pity as she watches me. “You don’t give second chances, even when someone maybe deserves one. Why is that, Bear?”
I blink at the accusation, skin hot and uncomfortable for the way it sinks into my gut like an anchor.
Becca holds her hands out toward me, palms up, desperation in her voice. “Have you never made a mistake? Have you never hurt someone?”
My little brother’s words echoed on my girlfriend’s lips.
She waits for me to answer and gives me plenty of time to do so. But when I don’t, she just shakes her head, tears blurring her vision as she opens her door.
“I think you should go,” she whispers, her eyes finding mine.
“And maybe think about that. Because we’re all human, Bear.
We all fuck up. I know I have. And if I was never forgiven for my transgressions in the past, I don’t know where I’d be today.
Besides… holding onto all that anger, all the resentment? ” She swallows. “It’s tearing you up.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, moving toward her, but she flinches away, opening the door wider. “Please, don’t make me go right now. I need you.”
“No,” she argues, looking at me pointedly. “What you need is time alone with yourself. You’re just too scared to take it.”
We stand there, watching each other for what feels like an eternity, and her words melt over me like lava, burning my skin, scarring my heart. Eventually, I nod, and as soon as I’m out her dorm door, she closes and locks it behind me.
For the first time since last semester, I don’t feel numb.
For the first time, I feel all the pain, all the betrayal, all the resentment and anger I’ve been trying to work out of my system with weights and cardio and drinking.
Becca’s right.
I do need to be alone.
But I’m fucking terrified of what will happen now that I am.