Bear
“Little, if you don’t get your shit together right now, I’m going to put you in a cab and send you back to Greek Row.”
My goofy-ass Little, Josh, who is usually mouthing off and getting himself into trouble with girls, is currently a sobbing mess in one of the hottest bars downtown.
His red hair is disheveled, and thanks to his fresh spray tan, he’s starting to leave streak marks on his face. If it wasn’t so pathetic, I’d be laughing.
“I just don’t know what I’m going to do without you here,” he says, and he grimaces with another wave of emotion.
Until I punch him in the stomach.
He doubles over, coughing, but when he’s upright again, he nods. “You’re right. I needed that.”
“You’re going to be fine,” I assure him, resting a hand on his shoulder as I inch a shot of whiskey toward him. “You’re going to party and hook up with girls and do all the things you’ve done every year since you joined Omega Chi.”
“But you’re my partner in crime,” he says, shaking his head. “I mean, you’re the reason half these guys put up with me.”
At that, I laugh. “Hey, that’s not true. We all love you — even when you annoy the shit out of us.”
He looks down at the shot, not convinced.
“Listen to me,” I say, leveling my gaze with his. “You need to stop playing this role you think you have to play, being the jokester all the time. You spit the corny lines to the ladies because you think that’s what they expect from you. You’re the clown, right?”
Josh nods.
“But I know you, the real you,” I say, poking his chest. “And you’re actually funny.
Not in the stupid way either. You’re also smart.
And you’ve got ideas for this fraternity that you would rather shuffle through me than stand up and say on your own.
But this is it, little brother. This is the passing of the torch.
You can either let it fall to the ground and extinguish itself, or you can grab it and hold it high and run on. The choice is yours.”
The more I talk, the more Josh nods, his brows furrowing together. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right, man.”
“Obviously.”
He smirks at that, and then he claps a hand on my shoulder. “I really am going to miss you, bro.”
“Well, I’m not gone yet,” I say, lifting my own shot glass. “So, let’s get fucked up while I’m still young and broke and without adult responsibilities.”
“Hear, hear!”
We slam back the whiskey, wincing as it burns our esophagi. Then, Josh nods toward a few girls at the other end of the bar.
“Shall we?”
Every single one of the girls looks older than us by at least five years — the perks of being at a bar downtown as opposed to one close to campus.
We loaded up two vans with brothers to take on the downtown area, and I have to admit, the women coming out after a long day working at the office in their designer heels and pencil skirts is a fresh and welcome change of scenery.
Still, even with the tallest of the girls batting her lashes at me, her long legs crossed, skirt inched up over her knees — I can’t help but feel like something’s… off.
“You go ahead without me,” I say. “I need some air, I think.”
Josh frowns, and I can already see him opening his mouth to argue.
“You’ve got this,” I say, giving him a pointed look as I stand.
At that, he zips his lips closed again with a determined nod, and then he brushes past me, puffing his chest out and holding his shoulders back as he approaches the girls.
I should have told him to wipe his fucking face first, but lucky for him, it looks like the blonde of the group is into sensitive guys. She wipes the wetness from his cheeks and even though I can’t hear her, I see her lips mouth what happened, are you okay?
Josh gives me a wink over his shoulder, and I shake my head on a laugh, knowing he’ll be just fine.
One glance around the dark bar and it’s easy to see all my brothers are enjoying themselves. They’re dancing under the lights on the giant dance floor, hitting on girls older and wiser than them at the bar, competing in beer pong back in the corner. They’re all smiles and laughter, living it up.
And for some reason, it makes my chest hurt.
Scrubbing a hand over my fade, I make my way through the crowd and let myself outside. It’s not as cold as it has been — the rare cold front that moved through has definitely passed — but it’s far from the summertime heat, and I give a sigh of relief when the cool breeze washes over me.
Downtown is bustling with people going to and fro, girls linking arms and giggling as they pass, guys shouting and jumping on each other’s backs as they try to get the girls’ attention.
Music and laughter spill out onto the street from every building, and I smile, leaning my back against the cool brick and taking it all in.
I’m not sure why I felt so claustrophobic inside. Maybe it’s because I’m going to miss it all, that I’m sad to be leaving it behind. I’m graduating soon, moving on, leaving the place I’ve called home for almost four years now. My life will consist of more work and less play, a natural progression.
Even so, I shake my head at myself, because it’s not like my life is ending when I leave college.
If anything, it’s just beginning. I’ll have more freedom, no classes or homework, no fraternity events.
I’ll be able to go wherever I want, do whatever I want.
And, if I get the right job, I’ll actually have money to do shit with.
I’m still trying to figure out the source of my anxiety when a familiar head of short, blonde hair catches my eye down the street.
It’s just a glimmer of the fairy lights hanging over head at first, their glow reflecting in her golden locks. But then she turns, and laughs, her wide, brown eyes shining in the low light of the street.
Erin Xander.
My heart stops in my chest at the sight of her.
I haven’t seen her since we got back from break.
Truthfully, I wondered if I’d ever see her again after Friendsgiving last year.
She graduated, and since she wouldn’t return any of my calls or texts, I had no idea if she stayed in the area or moved away.
But here she is, shining like the brightest star downtown.
With her arm linked in Gavin’s.
I hate that my fingers curl into fists at my sides at the sight of him, that my jaw tenses and my next breath is hotter than the one before it. All I want is to be happy for her, to see that smile on her face and be thankful that someone put it back after so many years of it being absent.
But something in my stomach sours every time I see them together, and I don’t know if that will ever change.
Gavin says something to Erin when they’re about two bars down from me, and she nods with a smile, blushing at the kiss he lays on her cheek before he disappears inside.
My feet are moving before I even make the conscious decision to go to her.
As soon as I take the first step, my heart is in my throat, and it stays there every inch of the way as I make my way toward her.
The closer I get, the more I can see how freshly tanned her skin is, how her long lashes are painted black, her lips a crimson red.
The dress she’s wearing is somehow both conservative and sexy, the hem of it flowing below her knees, but the V-neck cutting down deep enough to show her cleavage.
Those legs of hers are emphasized by the high heels she’s wearing, and her hair is slightly curled, just enough of a wave to make it look like she might have just taken a toss in the sheets before coming out.
Maybe she had.
The thought makes me ill.
She’s blissfully unaware of me until I’m about ten feet away, and then her brown eyes catch on mine, and the smile on her face slips off like a runny egg.
I stop when there’s a foot left between us, and suddenly, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.
I open my mouth, close it again, shove my hands in my pockets and look down the street, clearing my throat.
It takes me a long moment to look at her again, and when I do, she’s watching me like a nightmare that’s come to haunt her again.
I want to be the first one to speak, but I can’t.
“Bear,” she finally says, and my name is broken on her lips. So much so that she clears her throat, tucking her hair behind her ears before she crosses her arms over her chest. “What are you doing down here?”
“Some of the brothers carpooled out,” I answer stupidly. “Wanted a change of scenery.”
“Oh,” she says, and she tries to smile, but it falls flat.
Her eyes jet over to the door Gavin walked in, and I assume he either went to the bathroom or to get them a drink, since there’s an open container pass as long as you stay within the block.
Either way, my time alone with her is limited.
“You look good,” I say.
Again, stupidly.
“Oh, thank you,” she says with a blush, looking down at her dress.
“Get lots of time at the beach over break?”
She frowns, confused.
“You’re tan,” I comment. “More so than usual.”
So stupid.
“Ah,” she says. “Yes, actually, but not here. Um… Gavin and I, we… we took a trip.”
“Oh.”
“We went to the airport and just let two strangers pick our gate letter and number.”
At that, I balk genuinely. “Wow. That’s… that’s ballsy.”
She laughs, and the sound is so sweet, so familiar and yet such a distant memory I almost question if it’s real. “It’s okay. You can say what you really think — it was crazy. And very unlike me.” She pauses then, filling up with a fresh inhale. “And amazing in every possible way.”
My stomach twists with jealousy, but I shove the emotion down. “Where did you end up?”
“Ecuador, if you can believe it.”
“Wow,” I say with another bulging of eyes.
“I know! I know,” Erin says, shaking her head.
“It was some city we’d never even heard of.
Guayaquil? But some quick research while we waited to board and we found this gorgeous beach town.
The water was so blue and beautiful, and there were giant turtles and exotic birds, and the music was… oh, and the food!”
She can barely contain her smile as she talks about the place, the name of which I miss because I’m too busy telling myself to smile like I mean it, and it takes all my effort to do so.
After a while, she falls silent again, and I know my time is running out. It’s now or never to say what I have to say.
“Erin, I’m really sorry about what happened at Friendsgiving.”
She winces like I’ve struck her. “It’s ok—”
“No.” I stop her, holding up a hand. “It’s not okay. I know it and so do you.”
She rolls her lips together, crossing her arms even tighter over her chest as she waits for me to continue.
“I was an asshole. I acted out of line and I’m sorry for it. I don’t blame you for ignoring my calls and my texts. I’d be pissed if I were you, too. But…”
Don’t you fucking get emotional, Bear.
But it’s useless. My throat nearly closes on itself as I try to fight back the tears stinging the corner of my eyes, and I still a breath before I continue.
“Look, I don’t have an excuse, other than I had my own shit going on.
But it doesn’t matter. All that does is that I’m genuinely sorry that I hurt you.
” I find her gaze then, and when I see her eyebrows pinched together as she watches me struggle with my emotion, I nearly fall apart.
“And I’m glad to see you happy, Erin. I truly am. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
She sucks in a stiff breath, and I don’t miss the glossing of her own eyes. “Bear…”
Behind her, I see Gavin in the bar, making his way through the crowd and back out to the street.
“I just wanted you to know,” I say with a sniff, and then I turn and bolt without another word, steering myself back toward the bar where my brothers are.
I don’t look over my shoulder to see if Erin is watching me leave, or if Gavin is giving her a kiss now that he’s reunited with her, or if they’re walking hand in hand in the opposite direction.
I can’t do anything but forge on.
And as I reach the bar again, ducking inside and welcoming the greeting of smoke and music, I have the most disturbing moment of clarity.
I finally understand why I feel tethered to this place, why it feels impossible to leave.
It’s not PSU that’s keeping me here. It’s not my brothers or the parties or the nostalgia of being a college kid. It’s not the bars or the three-story gym on campus or the mostly responsibility-free lifestyle.
It’s her.
And now that I see it, I know one thing for sure.
I can’t leave here.
Not yet.
And not without her.