Bear
Erin looks way too fucking beautiful when I pick her up on Saturday night.
She rushes out the doors of the skyrise building she, Jess, and Ashlei live in, her hair flying back behind her as the breeze hits her cheeks.
She’s smiling wide and bright as she jumps into the passenger side of my truck, and even with strands of hair sticking to her glossy lips when she turns to smile at me, she’s an absolute vision.
It damn near kills me.
“Hi!” she greets, situating her purse by her feet. As soon as she does, she’s rummaging inside it. “Before we go anywhere, I have something for you.”
“For me?” I smirk, mostly at the fact that she’s so goddamn oblivious to how gorgeous she is, and how her simply getting into my truck felt more like her stopping the record of my life mid-song with a dramatic scratch.
When she sits back up, it’s with something hidden in her hands, and she bites back a smile as she looks at me. “Close your eyes.”
“Okay,” I oblige.
“Hold out your hand.”
When I do, I feel her place something small and light into my palm.
“Okay. Open!”
I smile at the absolutely hideous crocheted bracelet in my hand. Not only is it made with the worst color combination — burnt orange and shit brown — but it looks worse than the ones elementary girls make.
“Um… thanks?”
Erin laughs. “It’s our friendship bracelet, silly. See?” She holds up her wrist, and sure enough, she’s wearing one identical to the one in my hand. “I know they’re kind of… ugly. But I’m out of practice, and honestly, I think it gives them charm.”
I smile, handing her the bracelet and holding out my wrist. “They’re perfect.”
Erin blushes a little as she ties the thread around my wrist, and then our eyes meet, and I hold her gaze for a long moment as I shove down everything I want to say.
“Alright,” I finally declare, putting the truck in drive and tearing my eyes away from Erin and back to the road. “You ready to get your ass kicked in some skeeball?”
“You wish. I’ll have you know, I’m the skeeball champion back home.”
“Well, you’re about to be dethroned.”
It’s kind of an awkward silence after that as we make our way closer to one of my favorite off-campus hangs.
It’s a newer bar with arcade games lining every wall and a giant dance floor that usually has a live band playing on the stage above it.
When Erin said she wanted to get out of the house, I figured it was just the spot.
“It’s kind of weird, isn’t it?” Erin asks when I put the truck in park. “Me and you hanging out after all this time.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
She gives a sigh of a laugh at that. “I’m not sure how it couldn’t be.” Her little mouth pulls to the side when she looks back up at me. “Clinton, I know I’ve said it, but I’m sorry for—”
I cut her off by reaching over the center console and grabbing her hands in mine. I pull her to face me, lowering my gaze to meet hers with a smile.
“Stop apologizing. Okay? We’ve hashed out all of the shit in our past. Yes, we’ve both been assholes along the way, but I don’t want to think about any of that anymore.
I just want to hang out with you and catch up and beat your ass in every game inside that bar,” I add, nodding toward the building.
Erin laughs, but I don’t miss the way her eyes gloss over. “Yeah. I like that plan.”
“Good,” I say, and then I realize I’m smoothing my thumbs over her wrists where I hold them, and both our gazes fall to the point of contact.
We pull back like a jolt of electricity stung us, and before the awkwardness can seep back in, I hop out of the truck and jog around to open her door.
When we get inside, I head for the bar to get us a couple beers while Erin hits the token machine. We meet at skeeball first, and after a quick cheers, the games begin.
I’ve seen Erin in many situations — all dolled up for formal, looking hot as sin in a swimsuit on the top deck of a cruise ship, crying in my shower as I hold her together as much as I can, running a Kappa Kappa Beta chapter like a bad ass, pouring her heart out over a candlelit dinner.
But I’ve never seen her like this.
I’ve never seen this bright, unbreakable smile. I’ve never heard this carefree bubble of a laugh.
And yet, underneath it, I can sense something is off.
That’s how it’s always been with me and Erin.
We’re in tune in a way that no one else is.
Sure, with Skyler, she’s one of my best friends and I know when she’s hurting.
But Skyler is also open with me when it comes to what’s going on in her life.
I’m usually one of the first she runs to, and she’s one of the first I go to, too.
But with Erin, it’s like no matter how we try to hide the truth from each other, it’s always there, buzzing under the surface like a live wire.
We can’t ignore it.
We can’t run from it.
We can’t let each other go.
“So, how are things going with Gavin?” I ask as casually as I can after Erin absolutely wrecks me at a round of air hockey.
She’s still a little out of breath when she plops down at one of the high-top tables in the center of the bar, and I take the seat across from her. “Really good,” she says with a smile.
I wait for her to continue, but that’s all I get.
I arch a brow, taking a sip of my beer and trying again. “He was busy tonight?”
“He’s been busy a lot lately,” she says with a sigh, and her eyes fall to where her hands are around her beer. “I think… I think I might have scared him a little.”
“How in the world could you possibly scare anyone?”
She chuckles. “Well, in case you missed it over the years, I’m a hot mess with a pretty impressive load of baggage for a girl who’s fresh out of college.”
“You don’t have baggage.”
“Come on, Bear,” she says. “I’ve had an abortion, been gang-raped, fucked over my closest friends under the guise of self-therapy, and I’ve lied to even those I love more than anyone in the world just to save myself the pain of telling the truth.”
Her eyes find mine with those last words, and I feel the full weight of them — the full weight of everything that’s happened between us.
“Sorry for putting it all so bluntly,” she continues.
“But therapy has really helped me see that running from my past, or hiding it, or lying to myself or anyone else about it doesn’t do anything but hurt me.
So, I’m embracing it. All of it. It’s all led me here, and…
all things considered?” I smile. “I’m pretty happy. ”
“I’m glad you’re in therapy,” I say earnestly. “And I’m glad it’s helping. But… I still don’t understand how you could scare Gavin. Isn’t he in therapy, too?”
“I think everyone should be in therapy,” she says with a laugh, and I have to chug half my beer to keep myself from boiling over at the memory of the fight Gavin and I had over this same topic at Friendsgiving.
Purely because I was pissed when I saw him there with Erin, if I were being honest with myself.
“I just… I might have rushed some things between us…” She bites her lip, shaking her head. “I feel weird talking about this with you.”
“Why?” I reach over, grabbing her hand and giving it a squeeze. “Come on, Ex. It’s me. You don’t have to feel weird or sugarcoat anything.”
“I know, but…”
“Just spill it.”
She chuckles. “Alright… well, on Valentine’s Day, I wanted to… um… to go all the way with him.”
Her cheeks flush so furiously that I chuckle a bit despite the way my stomach bottoms out at her admission.
“But he stopped us. And really, he had good reason. He’s being respectful to what I’ve been through, and he knows I haven’t…
um… you know… with anyone else… since…” She waves her hand around.
“Anyway, so he stopped it, and we cuddled and everything, and I felt fine when I left the next morning. But ever since then, he’s been distant.
I mean, I haven’t seen him for more than a mid-day lunch. ”
God, I want to punch him.
I want to literally find him and knock him the fuck out.
But then again, I kind of want to shake his hand and thank him.
Because although I don’t like the thought of him so much as laying a finger on Erin, I respect the hell out of him for taking things slow. Even when Erin said she was ready, he knew she wasn’t.
I still hate him, but I’m thankful to him at least for that much.
I force a breath, taking a sip of my beer before I say, “Well, I know it hurts to be rejected like that. Even if it was for good reason. And I don’t like that he’s being kind of distant, but it might be that he has something else going on, something entirely unrelated.”
“He has been really busy with school,” she admits. “It’s his last semester in the graduate program.”
“I’m sure that’s very intense.”
She sighs and nods, but I can see the hurt on her face as she takes a sip of her beer.
“Erin, look at me.”
For the longest time, she keeps her eyes on her glass, but then those warm brown irises finally find mine.
“Gavin is a good guy,” I say, even as my chest tightens with the words. “He cares about you. I could see that much after just one hour at Friendsgiving, and I saw it again when I ran into you downtown. And as much as I know it hurt, I’m glad he turned you down.”
Erin laughs a little, though her eyebrows pinch together. “Well, that’s kind of harsh.”
“No, no,” I say with a laugh of my own. I reach over to grab her hand, folding her fingers over mine.
“I just mean that he’s right. You have been through a lot, and I think taking it slow is the best move for both of you.
The fact that he gives a shit about you enough to put your emotional well-being ahead of his hormones is pretty fucking impressive, honestly.
Because he’s a man, Erin, and being one myself, I can tell you it took a lot of willpower to stop in that moment.
” I pause, swallowing. “Especially because you are the most goddamn beautiful woman who has ever existed.”
Erin’s expression softens at that, and her eyes flick back and forth between mine. “You think I’m beautiful?”
“I do,” I say, throat tight. “And the craziest thing is that as stunning as you are, your beauty is the least interesting thing about you.”
Her eyes flood with tears, but they don’t fall, not even when her hand squeezes mine.
“You’re sensational, Erin. In every way. And Gavin knows that, too.”
Erin blows out a long breath at that, and to my dismay, she pulls her hand from mine so she can use both to wipe her cheeks before the tears fall too far. “God, I’m crying in a bar.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll tell anyone who asks that I just kicked your ass in air hockey.”
“Except it was me doing the ass-kicking.”
“Do you want a cover story or not?”
She chuckles, wiping the mascara from under her left eye before she smiles at me.
“Thank you, Bear. I’m actually really glad we talked about this.
I tried talking to Jess about it, but it wasn’t the same.
You… you know more about me than anyone else in this world, I think. You’ve been here through so much.”
“And I’ll always be here,” I promise.
“Thank God for that.”
Erin and I share a smile, and then I stand, grabbing our empty cups. “I’ll refill these. And, hey, a word of advice?”
She nods.
“Tell the girls what happened to you. Tell them everything.” I shrug.
“I know it’s hard, and I know you’re afraid of them judging you.
But I promise, they won’t. They love you.
And as much as I mean it that I’ll always be here, there are going to be times when you need your girls.
And they can’t help you if they don’t know the whole story. ”
Her eyes well up again, but she swallows back the emotion and gives me another smile. “Go get our refills so I can beat you at the next game.”
“Ha! Don’t bet on it, Ex. I don’t lose twice.”
I give her a wink, but before I can turn, she’s up out of her chair and in my arms.
She wraps herself all around me, her arms around my neck, hair in my face and body flush against mine as I stand there stupidly holding our empty cups.
“Thank you, Bear. Really.” She inhales a long breath and lets it go just as slowly, still holding me tight. “I love you.”
I go rigid at her words, at how fiercely I want to throw these cups across the room, take her face in my palms, and kiss her breathless until she feels just how much I love her, too.
But she’s not mine to kiss.
With a slow breath through my nose, I wrap her in a hug that’s not as good as I’d like with the cups in my hands. Still, I hold her, and smell her hair, and close my eyes against the emotion building in my chest.
“I love you, too,” I say.
And I do. More than she’ll ever know.
When she pulls away with her bright smile back in place, I die a little inside.
Because there’s a pit in my gut that tells me I’ve lost whatever small chance I ever had with this girl, and that I’ll never have my chance again. It’s likely that nights like tonight — where we hang out as just friends — is the most I’ll ever have.
I hate that truth.
I can’t stomach it.
I don’t know if I can survive it.
But if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that even if it kills me, I’ll never leave Erin alone. I can’t.
So, I hold onto hope.
Because I’m a patient man.
And for her, I’ll wait forever if I have to.