Bear
On the last night of Spring Break, I’m nostalgic as fuck.
As I get dressed for an evening out — slowly get dressed, thanks to how sore I am from skiing — I can’t help but reflect on the past four years.
I guess this isn’t anything new. I guess most seniors in college go through this.
When you first come to college, everything is fresh and new and exciting.
Then, as the years go on, you’re a veteran.
You’re experienced and know what to expect and can make the most of everything.
But when you’re in your last semester and just a couple of months from graduation, it’s hard not to experience every moment with a sense of longing and sadness.
This is my last semester living in the fraternity house.
This is my last couple of months of classes — and no matter how many times I cut class or bitched about exams, a part of me knows I’ll miss it.
I’ll miss having a house full of rowdy brothers who are always down to do something, go out, party, play video games, hit the gym, whatever.
A part of me will miss learning something new every day, and that feeling of studying hard and seeing it pay off with a good grade.
And on the last night of my last Spring Break, all I can think is did I take advantage of this the way I should have? Did I soak up every minute? Did I appreciate these responsibility-free vacations with my brothers?
I’m still lost in my contemplation and fucking with my button up when my phone rings. It’s sitting on top of the old wooden dresser with the mirror I’m currently staring at my reflection in, and when I glance down, I’m surprised to see Erin’s face on the screen.
Requesting a video chat.
I smile, but my brows furrow in confusion as I slide my thumb over the screen to answer. “Well, hello there.”
Erin whistles. “Damn, Bear. You’re all dressed up!”
I hold the phone out more so she can get a better look of the full outfit. “You can’t see, but my sneakers match the hat.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” After a chuckle, she narrows her eyes at the screen. “Where the hell are you?”
“The cabin. We’re all about to go grab dinner and then hit the town for the night.”
At that, her smile fades, and she shakes her head and drags a hand over her face. “Spring Break. God, why I did completely space on that?” She rolls her lips together and paints on another smile. “Breckenridge, right?”
“Indeed.”
“Lots of skiing?”
“Too much,” I say. “I haven’t been this sore since I attempted ice hockey for Omega Chi.”
Erin laughs, but I can hear the way the sound has changed just in the few minutes we’ve been on the phone.
It’s softer now, more dejected. I finally take a good look at her, her dark blonde hair pulled up into a high ponytail, her face makeup-free but beautiful, nonetheless.
She looks cozy in her sweatpants and a t-shirt hanging off her shoulder.
“Well, I’ll let you get to it!” she says. “I hope you have a great night.”
“Wait.”
Erin looks to the side, tongue in cheek, and though she’s trying to hide it, I can tell she’s not okay.
“What’s going on, Ex?”
“Nothing,” she says on a sigh.
“Okay. Let’s pretend like I’ve asked you that a few times and now you’re finally ready to tell me what’s wrong.”
She smiles at that, but when her eyes meet mine, the smile fades.
“I’m good. Really, I promise. I just… I was kind of needing a friend night and was going to see if you wanted to…
” She waves her hand in the air. “I don’t know.
Go somewhere. Do something.” When her hand falls again, she shakes her head.
“But, silly me, I forgot it’s still Spring Break, so.
Yeah. Anyway. I’ll see you when you get back. ”
“Wait, Erin, don’t hang up.”
I sigh, resting my hand on top of my hat as I glance at the door to my room.
I can already hear everyone gathering in the living room to head out, the sound of laughter and pregaming filling the air.
And while I can feel that the part of me that was stressing earlier over it being my last night of Spring Break, the part reminding me to seize the day, there’s a louder, more pressing voice inside me saying not to let this girl hang up the phone.
“Can you hold for just a sec?”
Erin nods, and I put my phone on mute and leave it facing the ceiling long enough to jog down the hall to the balcony that overlooks the lower-level living room. I spot Skyler easy enough and wave her up the stairs.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just… I think I’m going to hang back tonight.”
Skyler frowns. “What? Why? It’s the last night!”
“I know, I know, I’m just…” Helplessly in love with your Big. “Hungover. And sore. I just want to chill.”
Skyler arches a brow. “Why do I feel like you’re having a ski bunny come over and you don’t plan on leaving your room?”
I plaster on my famous smirk and shrug in lieu of confirming or denying, which makes Skyler smile and shake her head.
“Use protection. And have fun. I’ll cover for you.”
“Thank you,” I say, and after a quick hug, I’m back in the room and staring at Erin’s beautiful face.
“I’m all yours.”
“What?!” Her eyes go wide. “Bear, no! It’s Spring Break. I’m fine, really, I’ll just—”
“Look, I’m hungover and sore, anyway. I didn’t even want to go out,” I lie. “Besides, I’d much rather hang out with you. Even if it’s just a FaceTime date.”
My throat goes dry at my last word, but thankfully, Erin doesn’t seem to read too much into it. She’s too busy fighting back tears on a smile.
“You really don’t mind?”
“I want to talk to you. I want to be here.”
Erin sinks farther into the couch, and it’s then that I see the glass of red wine in her hand. “You’re too good for me, Bear. Too good for this world.”
“Tell that to my ex-girlfriends.”
That earns me my first real, head-thrown-back signature Erin laugh, all light and bubbly and sweet like champagne.
I make it my goal to tally up at least ten of those bad boys by the night’s end.
***
Three hours later, I’ve got my phone plugged in and propped up on a mountain of luggage while I kick back against the bed frame, a half-empty bottle of whiskey at my side.
Erin has already finished a bottle of red and opened a second, and both of us have got to have eight packs by now from the insane amount of laughter we’ve been doing.
So far, we’ve played five rounds of never have I ever, a couple rounds of charades, watched an episode of Drunk History together and Erin has given me a tour of her keepsakes box she keeps in her closet with old photos of her and other childhood memorabilia.
My favorite was a photo of her in eighth grade with braces and pigtails and overalls — the quintessential, adorable nerd.
“God, Bear,” Erin says, wiping tears from the corner of her eyes after our latest fit of laughter. “I can’t tell you how much I needed this.”
“Well, I’m glad I could help,” I reply. I take a sip of my whiskey, aiming for nonchalance when I ask, “You ever going to tell me what’s going on that has you in your feels, or is that to remain a mystery?”
She sighs. “A half a bottle ago, I would have said let’s change the subject. But…” She wiggles her almost-empty glass with a smile.
“Is it school?”
“Somewhat. I mean, I knew law school wouldn’t be easy, but I guess I did wrongly assume that I was smarter than nearly everyone else.
” She smiles with the joke. “I spend so much time on campus, and when I’m not there, I’m studying.
And speaking of studying, the people in my study group kind of suck,” she adds with a laugh, but her eyes are sad.
“Why did the words study group just make you almost cry?”
She shakes her head. “You’re going to think I’m stupid.”
“I promise, that’s not possible.”
Another sigh. “I just… Gavin and I haven’t seen each other much since… since… the whole…”
“Valentine’s Day thing?” I finish for her.
She nods. “And we were supposed to have a date night last week, but he bailed for a study group thing. Which I totally understand. He’s graduating with his master’s degree in a couple months, and I know he’s worked hard for this. But honestly? I’m worried about him.”
I tilt my head, biting back the curse words I want to throw out for that idiot blowing her off for a fucking study group. “Why’s that?”
“He hasn’t been coming to therapy, not for about a month now.
He says he’s gotten what he needed out of it, that he needs to focus on school.
And he has a part-time job helping out in the admissions office, too.
And I get it, I do, but… I just don’t know that he’s cured or whatever.
I don’t think any of us really are. You know?
And I just hate to see him pull away from therapy.
” She swallows, eyes on her glass. “Away from me.”
“He feels distant?”
She snorts a laugh. “Very much so.”
I inhale a deep breath, let it go, do it all again once more for good measure while I sort through my thoughts and what I want to say.
That little voice inside me is screaming now for me to tell her he’s an idiot and not good enough for her and that she should tell him not to let the doorknob hit him on the way out of her fucking life forever.
But, thankfully, even in my tipsiness, I know that’s not the best move.
As much as it sours my gut, she cares about this guy. And this is the first guy she’s allowed herself to care about since that horrendous night happened to her.
“I understand that school is important. I mean, I’m in my last semester, too, and you just graduated. We get that pressure.”
Erin nods.
“But that being said, I can always find time for people who are important to me.” I wave a hand at the phone.
“Case in point, tonight. And I know that even though you’re up to your neck in schoolwork, you still find time for the girls when they need you, and if Gavin called you right now and said to come over, you would be in your car in the next five minutes. ”
“Seven,” she corrects. “I’d have to brush my teeth.”
I smirk, taking a moment to think about my next words carefully. “What I’m saying is, maybe you should just remind him that if you’re important to him, he needs to show it. And Erin, I hate to say it, but no one can read your mind. Least of all a man.”
She laughs.
“I mean it. I think you’re one of those girls who says yes to everything, helps everyone, while silently wishing that someone would see you and ask you what you need, too.”
Her eyes well up at that, and she rolls her lips together. “I do. I really do.”
“Well, sometimes you’ve just got to tell people what you need.
Especially if he’s got so much going on, he probably doesn’t even know he’s upsetting you.
He just thinks you’re cool with him bailing and rescheduling and not giving you his time.
” I shrug. “Tell him you need him. Tell him you want him at therapy and then you want him to take you out and spend the night with you.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It is. Do you want me to make you some cue cards?”
She chuckles. “If you were here, I’d glob you with a pillow.”
I grab the one behind me and knock myself over the head, which makes her burst out into a full-belly laugh.
Number thirteen for the night, if my numbers are right.
“Ugh, okay. I’ll just… tell him that I need to see him.”
“Good girl.”
She bites her lip. “What if he still bails, or makes an excuse?”
“I think you know the answer to that.”
She nods, her eyes sad again as she sips the last of her wine.
“Hey, look at me.” I wait until she does, and then I smile, hoping she can feel my sincerity when I say, “No matter what, you always have me.”
Her warm brown eyes are still glossy under her thick lashes, but she smiles a little. “Promise?”
My heart thumps loud in my chest, so desperate to reach for her, hold her, touch her…
Kiss her.
I swallow, trying to assure myself that everything will be okay even though I can’t be sure. All I do know is that as long as Erin wants me around, as long as she lets me be here for her, I’ll be here.
Waiting.
Wanting.
Wishing.
I force a smile and hold my hand to the sky before covering my heart. “Swear.”