Cassie
I should be getting ready for my last semi-formal.
I should be laughing with Skyler as she does my hair and I help her pick out the perfect accessories to go with the dynamite black dress she bought a few weeks ago for the occasion.
I should be taking Tera under my wing, showing her the ropes, passing the torch to her as Skyler and I leave and she starts the new line of our family.
Instead, I’m on a flight to Denver, my tail tucked firmly between my legs and what’s left of my bleeding heart on my sleeve.
It’s all I have to offer Adam. No apology will be enough. No amount of admitted regret can take back what I’ve done. Nothing I ever say or do will be able to atone for how I betrayed him in the most fundamental and hurtful way there is to betray someone you love.
In my heart, in the very pit of my gut, I know I’m walking into a losing battle. Like a soldier on the front line against an impossible force, I know I won’t walk out a survivor. But I can’t let him go without a fight. I can’t let go of him without knowing I did everything I could to hold on.
A soft, quiet voice whispers in my ear that Adam loves me, that we can make it through anything, that it will all be okay — but I don’t see how it ever could. Adam hasn’t spoken to me even once in the three long weeks since I confessed what happened in Mexico.
I wouldn’t speak to me, either.
For all I know, he’s written me out of his life forever.
For all I know, he’s shacking up with any girl who looks his way and trying to fuck me out of his system.
For all I know, he’s moved past the grieving stage and right on to the fuck her stage where he firmly believes everything between us was a lie.
I cover my mouth against the bile burning my throat at the thought, closing my eyes and willing myself to calm down as the captain announces we’re descending into Denver.
I was supposed to be on this flight three weeks ago, flying in to spend a long holiday weekend with the man I love.
Instead, he went to try to secure our future.
And I put my mouth on another man.
If I hadn’t already cried out every bit of moisture left in my body, I know I’d be sobbing once again.
None of the girls have been successful at pulling me out of my depression — no matter how they tried.
It’s taken all my energy just to drag myself to class and pass my last finals.
I barely passed them, my long run with all A’s slipping from my fingers.
I’ll still graduate just fine, and I’m already set for Johns Hopkins, but it doesn’t change the fact that not only did I fail Adam, but I’ve failed myself, too.
Regret and longing sour in my gut as I grab my carry-on out of the top compartment once we land, wheeling it behind me. My mind races, trying to grasp words out of thin air, to string together the right declarations that will somehow prove to Adam that I’m still worthy of his love.
How can I convince him when I don’t even know that I believe it myself?
My phone pings to life when I turn it off airplane mode, texts from both Tera and Skyler filling the screen.
They send pictures of their outfits, of them doing our sorority hand sign in front of the house, and the latest is them piled into the back of the limo, loading up to go to dinner and then to the venue.
Fire burns my chest as I type back that I miss them and hope they have the best time. Skyler just types in all caps GO GET YOUR MAN while Tera sends a string of emojis.
I’m still staring at the pictures when I hear my name called.
“Cassie?”
My feet stop moving.
My heart stops beating.
My lungs cease to provide air as the familiarity of that voice sinks in.
Everything comes back to life in slow motion, and I turn just the same, finding Adam sitting in a chair by gate C45. His phone balances in his hand, brows furrowed together as he blinks over and over like it can’t actually be me he’s seeing.
When he realizes it is, he’s off his feet in the next instant, his phone dropped on top of his duffle bag and left behind.
I immediately start to cry.
And then I’m swept into his arms.
I clutch him so tight my knuckles whiten, and he crushes me in return, soothing me as I sob and struggle to catch my breath.
“Cassie? What are you doing here?” he asks, but still, he holds me, kissing my hair before pulling back to search my eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
“I didn’t want you to tell me not to.”
My bottom lip quivers with the admission, and Adam sighs, shaking his head and pulling me into his chest again. “Oh, baby. I would never say that.”
“Not even after the monster I’ve become?”
His laugh is soft, blowing up the tendrils of my messy hair. “You’re not a monster.”
“Sir,” a stern voice interrupts behind us. “Please don’t leave your bags unattended.”
It’s one of the flight attendants working the gate desk, and Adam nods, grabbing my hand and my bag before pulling us both over to where he was sitting. When we get there, he drops his hold on my bag, but keeps his hold on me.
“I’m supposed to be boarding a flight in twenty minutes,” he says with a laugh. “To come see you.”
I sniff, looking at the monitor behind him. Sure enough, Miami is written in big letters at the top.
“You were coming to see me?”
“I was going to crash semi-formal,” he says on another laugh. “I mean, come on — you know it’s my favorite thing to do when it comes to you.”
“I seem to remember it being me who crashed through your bedroom window last year.”
“True,” he admits. “And then we went to semi in our pajamas.”
The memory makes him smile, but it makes tears well in my eyes again, and I cover my mouth, shaking my head as they relentlessly fall free.
“Hey,” Adam says softly, pulling me into his chest. “Shhh, it’s okay, it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” I sob, wiping my nose with the back of my wrist as I press space between us. “Adam, why were you coming to me? I’m the one who messed up. I’m the one who… who…”
I can’t even finish the words, and Adam frowns, rubbing my arms. “Have you been torturing yourself this whole time?”
“How could I not?”
I sob harder, and Adam sighs, looking pointedly at an older man staring at us before saying, “A little privacy, please?” The man looks away, and Adam grabs our stuff and leads us to the corner of the waiting area, tucked between a wall and a window.
I finally find the strength to look into his eyes, my hands clinging to his shirt. “I’m so sorry, Adam.”
“I know,” he says. “I already know. Okay? Trust me — I’ve been on that side plenty of times to know you didn’t mean to hurt me, and even more that it meant nothing to you.”
“It didn’t,” I swear. “I was so drunk I don’t even remember it, which I hate admitting, but it’s true.”
Adam just smooths his hand up and down my arm for a long moment, letting me breathe, willing me to steady my racing heart. His touch alone is enough to do it, and slowly, my tears start to dry.
And then I hiccup.
Adam smiles. “There’s my girl.”
“I hate myself,” I whisper on another hiccup.
“Don’t. Look at me,” he says, lowering his gaze to mine.
“I’m sorry, too. I should have made you more of a priority this semester, should have listened to you when you told me you missed me and we weren’t spending enough time together.
I was so focused on the fraternity, on the drama with the exec board, and then my focus shifted completely to getting a job in Baltimore.
When the opportunity came up with Chandler, I just…
I couldn’t see all the ways it might threaten you or upset you because I was too zeroed in on what it would mean if I landed the job.
I promised you last year that I wouldn’t mess things up over this, and I meant it.
But I failed you. I just hope you see that it’s always been us in my mind — even if I didn’t do things the right way. ”
“You were doing it for us,” I say. “I know that now. I see it. But in the moment, I was just…”
“I know. And you had every right to be. I’m sorry I didn’t follow up on my word to you. I’m sorry I ever made you doubt that there’s anything or anyone more important to me than you.”
That makes my nose sting again, and I stifle the tears threatening to spill. “How can you say that after what I did?”
“You fucked up,” he says — simply, casually, as if I left my purse in a restaurant rather than kissed another man. “And you know what, so did I. I have. Multiple times. I mean, have you forgotten the absolute ass I made of myself in the first two years I knew you?”
I laugh a little at that.
“I don’t care about some loser in Mexico,” he says, waving his hand. “He might have got one kiss. But I want the rest of them. I want them all, every kiss from here on out, from now until the end of time.”
“So dramatic,” I tease.
“Have I ever been any other way?”
I shake my head, tentatively leaning into him. “So, you forgive me?”
“I do. And I’m sorry it took me so long. I hate that I made you sick all this time. I know you’ve been sick, because I have been, too.”
“It’s been the worst three weeks of my life,” I admit. “I thought I lost you. For real, this time.”
“Silly girl,” he says, lining my jaw with his thumb. “Were you not listening to me at Spring Break last year?”
I try to smile, but my chest is still so tight, it’s impossible to hold in place.
“Cassie McBee,” he says softly, tilting my chin until I look into his eyes. “What did I say?”
I swallow. “That I’m your now. And your forever.”
“Yes,” he says. “And that means you’re my pain in the ass and no one else’s.”
A little laugh breaks free from me at that, and before it can turn to tears, Adam pulls me in for a sweet, slow kiss.