Chapter Thirty #2
“Not this time,” I say, my voice shaking with something fierce—something raw. “I promise. I swear to you, I will be the first person you see when you get back to Connecticut. I don’t care if I have to wait on the front lawn for hours.”
She’s silent for a moment. I don’t know what she’s thinking, but when she speaks again, it’s barely a whisper. “Okay.”
A tear slips down my cheek, and I let it fall. I don’t wipe it away. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a bad brother, Astrid,” I tell her. “I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment.”
“You’re not a bad brother, you idiot,” she tells me. “You’re the best brother and that’s why I’m so mad at you.”
I squeeze my eyes tighter before sniffling and thanking her. “You’re the best pain-in-the-ass sister, too,” I tell her.
“And don’t say you’re a disappointment,” she adds, sounding clearer. “That’s a Dad word. You’re just… messy. Yeah, you’re just a little messy, Jamie.”
I sniff a laugh. “I am,” I agree.
“I have to go now,” she tells me. “We’re going to have breakfast when Mom gets back, and I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I’ll text you when we get to Grandma’s.”
“You better,” I say.
My sister murmurs goodbye and hangs up. I sit for a moment, lonely and a little heartsick.
Why is it so hard to be with the people you care about sometimes?
Why are there so many ethical choices involved?
I care about my little sister, but I can’t go to California with them.
I need to start my life, figure out who I am.
I just wish the choice was a little easier.
There’s a soft knock on the door of my cabin. “Come in,” I say. The door opens a crack, and Noa pops her head in. She looks a bit stressed.
“Uh…” she says. “I just met your mom. She’s waiting for you on the dock.”
I hold her gaze, my stomach twisting around the idea, and then I nod.
I knew I would have to face my mom eventually, but I can’t say I’m ready for it.
I turned against my father, outing him in front of everyone, and possibly sent him to jail.
I can’t imagine I’m her favorite person right now. She’s always taken his side.
I stand up, and Noa comes in to wrap herself around me, giving me a hug that I sorely needed.
“If it’s any consolation,” she says, her cheek to my chest, “she was really nice to me.”
I smile, because in a weird way, it does help.
I pull back to look down at her. “After this, I think we should get some things for the boat, maybe have a little party later.”
She smiles, and if she’d do anything to make me happy right now. “Sure.”
I walk out and head upstairs. I pass Ellis, and he nods at me as I walk outside onto the deck.
The sun is shining again, as if yesterday’s rainstorm never happened.
It’s warm, even now. I see my mother standing with her back to me, dressed in a summer dress and sneakers, no power suit or corporate wear.
Her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail.
I climb down off the boat and when I hit the dock, she spins around to look at me. Her eyes quickly scan me with concern, focusing on my arm again.
“How many this time?” she asks, coming closer.
“Eight,” I tell her. “I’m getting better at this, right?”
She laughs although she doesn’t want to.
She stops in front of me, and for the first time, I see her.
I see the lines around her eyes that used to be from smiling, the lines around her mouth that have deepened from frowning.
She’s all at once a powerful woman and a lost girl. Somehow, I can see all that in her now.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her, and she shakes her head.
“No,” she says, and my anxiety spikes. “I don’t want your apology.”
I swallow hard, lowering my eyes to the wood slats under my feet.
“I’m the one who’s sorry, Jamie,” she says, drawing my gaze again.
“I should have left your father years ago. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe you; it was that I believed he could change.
But… when you’re in the middle of something, it’s sometimes hard to have a clear view of what’s ahead or even behind.
We… I,” she corrects, “have mistreated you. I know that now.”
Her eyes well up and so do mine. There are a lot of things I can hold against her at this point, but really… all I ever wanted was for her to love me again. For us to be a family again.
“I’m not saying you’re perfect, because you do fuck up a lot,” she adds, and we both laugh through our tears.
“But…” she continues, “I’m so sorry for not protecting you from his words, which I know hurt you so badly.
I promise, I will never make that mistake again.
I… I’m leaving him, Jamie. For better or for worse, but when it comes to my kids, it’s only for the better.
I should have realized that a long time ago. ”
I’m not sure what to say. I’m happy, definitely. I’m relieved. I’m even a little avenged, I guess. But my mother has spent the better part of her life with that man, and I know it won’t be easy to extricate herself from him. I’m scared to trust her yet. Life can be complicated that way.
“Astrid told me about California,” I say, my voice a little unsteady. My mother nods, smiling softly.
“I’m going home for a little while,” she says. “See my parents, remember who I am. I think Astrid will like it there. It’ll be nice change from these stuffy resorts.”
“I suppose,” I agree. “And, uh… when you come back?”
She holds my eyes, knowing what I’m really asking. “You are always welcome to spend time with your sister, Jamie. She loves you.”
My mother starts to fully cry, unable to fight it back. Her words come out in little sobs.
“I know how much you love her, and I’m so grateful for that. I really am. I love you, Jamie.”
And now I’m crying with her. “I love you, too, Mom. I’ve always loved you, even when I was mad at you.”
My mother reaches over to grab my shirt and pull me into a hug. She cries into my shoulder, and I have to say that I haven’t cried in my mother’s arms since I was a baby. But I do, and she’s there for me. Holy shit—I had no idea how much I still needed my mom.
After an embarrassing amount of time, my mother draws a tissue pack from her purse and hands me one as she dots her cheeks. I wipe away my tears and shove the tissue in my back pocket.
“Now,” she says, straightening up. “Any chance you want to come to California, or…” She glances over at the yacht.
“I don’t think so,” I tell her, smiling. “I’m going to stay here for a while. Help them rebuild the Surf Shack.”
“I figured,” she says with a grin. “She’s lovely, by the way. Noa? She’s quite lovely.”
“I know,” I tell her.
My mother takes a look around, and then motions to the boat. “I’m drawing up papers as we speak,” she says. “I’ll be sure this is in your name immediately.”
“Thank you,” I say. I’m a little stunned. I just got a yacht.
My mother starts back down the dock toward the resort, but halfway there, she turns around to look me over one more time. “This place suits you, you know,” she calls out to me. “I think you’ll be happy here.”
We watch each other a moment, both of us realizing this is goodbye. Nothing will ever be the same. I’m an adult now—I’m never really coming home again.
I hold up my hand in a wave, and she does the same before heading back to the resort.
I wait a long moment, not sure how to feel, but when I turn around and see the yacht, a smile creeps over my lips. I just got a fucking yacht.
“Noa!” I shout, breathless, and start moving back toward the boat. “Noa!”
She appears on the deck near the ladder, her brows drawn as worry cuts across her features. “What?” she asks. “What happened?”
But then she sees me, the wide grin on my face, and her panic melts into a smile. “What?” she asks again, like she doesn’t dare hope it’s something awesome.
I leap onto the deck and sweep her into my arms, swinging her around and making her laugh. The sound is sharp and bright, like fucking sunshine, and when I set her down again, I can’t stop looking at her.
She’s everything. The chaos and the calm. My peaceful place.
“I’m not leaving Cape Hope,” I tell her, my voice suddenly heavy with everything I can’t put into words.
Her eyes study mine, this last flash of hesitance. Last hint of protection. “For good?” she asks. “Like, for good.”
“Forever,” I whisper. Then lower, truer, “Also… I think you should know that I’m stupidly and fully in love with you. The reckless sort,” I add with a shrug. “The kind that will let you get away with anything.”
“Like stealing your boat?” she asks with a smile, although there are happy tears in her eyes.
“Oh?” I say, pretending to be confused. “Don’t you mean my yacht?”
Her mouth falls open, and she pushes me backward. “Seriously?” she asks. Then louder, “Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
She rushes to hug me again, the two of us laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.
After a moment, Noa sighs, lacing her fingers behind my neck as she gazes up at me. The green in her eyes catching the sun, soft brown freckles dotting her skin.
“Jamie,” she murmurs. “I am also stupidly and fully in love with you. And more than anything”—a soft smile sneaks across her lips—“I just really want you to kiss me right now.”
I hum out that it’s a good idea, and lean in and do just that.
I kiss her completely and with my whole body, one arm around her waist and my palm on her cheek, keeping her close. My tongue against hers, her fingers in my hair, tiny gasps between each kiss. Each touch consuming.
Like it can never be enough to make up for lost time.